Adam's POV
What am I going to do? Clare caught me. Should I just tell her the truth? She's going to tell Eli and then I'm going to have to tell them the truth. Might as well just get it over with, I guess. Maybe they'll understand. Maybe they'll still be my friends. If I tell them, they will be the only ones to know besides my family. My family sometimes can't accept me, so maybe they will. I just have to figure out a way to ease them into the conversation. Yeah I can just see it now...
"Uh sorry about yesterday Clare, but the truth is I'm really a girl." Yeah that'll go over great. How can I tell them without freaking them out? Maybe I shouldn't tell them after all. I'm conflicted.
This is the conversation I have with myself as I lay in bed looking at the ceiling. I pull myself out of bed and into the bathroom. It's just another day, I can get through this. Drew bangs on the bathroom door.
"Come on, let me in. I need to do my hair."
"I'm almost done," I say throwing on my shirt.
"You said that like ten minutes ago. You took less time to get ready when you were a girl," He shouts back. Why would he say that! He's an idiot. I throw open the door.
"I was never a girl, idiot," I shoot back. Drew pushes passed me. "Got you to open the door, didn't I."
"So think Clare told anyone," He asks applying moose to his hair.
"Maybe Eli," I sigh.
"Guys your breakfast is getting cold," Mom yells from downstairs.
"Ok we're coming," Drew says.
"She still in the bathroom," Mom asks referring to me. Drew shakes his head.
"Really Mom, pronoun problems still," I yell back. I hear her sigh.
"Sorry Adam," She says back. "Let's go!"
"I swear she does that on purpose," I say to Drew.
"Nah she just forgets. But I bet, she's wishing ya'll switch back to girl mode for Grandma tomorrow," He says turning toward me.
"You're sons will be down in a second," I yell down to Mom. Drew walks out the door. I look myself over in the mirror. School should be interesting today.
At school I see Clare and Eli sitting at a picnic table. I hear them whispering about yesterday. Looks like its confession time.
"Are you sure they were tampons," Eli whispers. "What could he need them for?"
"A nose bleed," Clare says. Man, is she way off. I walk up to the table.
"Hey thanks for covering Clare. That wasn't cool of me," I say trying to avoid eye contact.
"So, what was I covering exactly," Clare asks. I hesitate.
"You don't have to explain. It's none of our business," Eli says.
"It's ok. I want to tell you," I say sitting down. "Ok. So I'm a guy, a hundred percent dude, but I was born in a girl's body," I explain.
They don't say anything, so I go on. "I'm an FTM. Female to Male Transgender." I can't look at them. Ugh why did I tell them? "Questions? Anything go ahead," I press.
"Does that mean you're gay," Clare asks still shocked.
"Uh no I like girls and since I'm a guy between the ears that makes me straight. At least I think so," I say.
"Cool," Eli says. I smile a little. Was he accepting me? "How long have you known," He asks.
"Since I was four, five. I hated wearing dresses and having long hair," I explain some more.
"Well how do you know you're not a tomboy or a lesbian," Clare asks.
"I just know," I say.
"Well are we the only ones who know, besides you're family of course" She asks.
"Simpson knows and he sent letters informing every teacher. Except for that stupid ballroom teacher who called out my girls name. The worst," I say.
"Hold the phone. Does this mean I can't let one rip in front of you," Eli asks suddenly. I chuckle.
"Eli, I'd be insulted if you didn't," I say. We bump fists.
"You guys are foul," Clare giggles.
"You're just jealous," Eli corrects her.
"Fine, whatever," Clare giggles some more. They accept me, just the way I am. I don't think I've ever felt like this before. For the first time in my life I feel...normal.
Eli's POV
So Adam's a transgender. Well that's interesting, I never would have guessed.
I could tell it was hard for him to tell me and Clare. I'm glad he did though.
In a way it makes us all closer friends. On second thought, maybe that's not such a good idea.
Me getting close to people was not a good idea. That's why I've been pushing Clare away.
Too protect her from getting hurt. I don't want to hurt Clare. She's so innocent and perfect, while I'm dangerous and broken.
If I was to ever let my guard down around her...I just know it wouldn't end well.
Sometimes I can't help myself when I'm around her. The things I feel for her. The things I think of doing with her.
I know I shouldn't. She's innocent/pure/wholesome. I wish I could make it all stop.
My feelings, my thoughts.
Sometimes I wish I couldn't feel anything anymore.
Sometimes I wish I could just be...dead.