Choices

"Why didn't you tell me?" She rose from the bed to pace.

"Lady Alex, I thought you understood!"

"How could I? No one—not you, not Loki, not Idun—told me what the apple really did. She just said it would give me my memories back!"

"But you could remember being tested before. I thought with that came knowledge of what the golden apples provided."

"Well, it didn't." She stopped in front of the door, resting her head against the wood. "I'm sorry. This isn't your doing. Of anyone, Idun should have told me, and Loki kept pissing her off."

"It is not Lady Idun's way to mislead anyone."

"But it is Loki's." He knew exactly how much she did and didn't remember, but he'd made sure the conversation never strayed to immortality before she accepted the apple. "Is Idun still here?"

"She is—she needs to rest to gather her strength before she can return to Asgard. She's using her own magic for the journeys."

"Can you take me to her?"

Thor stifled a sigh. "I can."

She pulled on her boots and followed Thor out of the room, back down to the elevator Idun had arrived in. From there he bore right, down a parallel hallway, until they reached a set of double doors. No guards waited outside—she supposed Idun was a guest here, whereas Asta was still a prisoner of sorts. "Mr Stark was kind enough to relinquish his rooms to Lady Idun until she has is able to depart. Well, in truth, it was Ms Potts who informed him he'd be doing so."

"Okay." She had no idea who those people were, but no doubt Mr Stark was something to do with Stark Tower.

Thor rapped on the wood. "Lady Idun?"

After a moment the door cracked open. "Your highness," she greeted Thor. "Lady Alexandra." Her gown was less elaborate than before, her hair loose, and Asta guessed she'd been in bed, if not sleeping. "How may I serve you?"

"Lady Alexandra wishes to speak with you."

"Okay, first of all, you don't need to keep referring to me as Lady anything. I don't have rights to any title."

Idun's mouth quirked at Thor's discomfort. "Do come in. You must understand, the prince has been brought up with courtly manners. His mother would be very disappointed to learn he was not abiding by them, but if it makes you uncomfortable, we should of course desist. What should we call you instead? Alexandra?"

Asta stepped instead the room, which was about five times the size of where Asta had come from and decorated in neutral silks. "That's a bit of a mouthful even on its own." She had a choice here. Was she Alex or Asta? She was still getting used to the Alex side of her being there, but it did fit like an old skin, one she'd used for over twenty years. It had been the name her parents gave to her. Asta wasn't even a real name. It was Loki's invention, used for only a few years. If she kept using it, she was giving Loki continued control over her. That, and when she remembered how he'd first used it, her body flushed in embarrassment and…well, she wasn't going there in public. "It's just Alex."

"Very well. What was it you wished to discuss?"

Thor rested against the door, trying to be as inconspicuous as a man that size could be. He clearly didn't want any part of the upcoming conversation.

"The immortality thing."

"Is there a problem?" Idun settled herself on a love seat and Alex took the chaise longue opposite.

"Yes. I don't want it. I didn't even realise that's what the apple did."

Idun's eyebrows crinkled together. "You realise it in no way binds you to Loki. I know that's what he implied, but the gift has no conditions to it. You passed a test and you are entitled to the life you earned."

"A life that would force me to Asgard if I accept it. How could I stay here when I know everyone around me is going to grow old and die, over and over again? I've watched enough vampire movies to know that immortality is only a good thing if everyone around you is immortal as well. Otherwise it's just a curse."

"I see."

"Is there any way to take it back?"

Idun stared over Alex's head, towards Thor. "There is, but I wish for you to consider your decision before you commit to it. Besides, I don't have the strength to wield the magic required for that at this point."

"But you can do it?"

"I will be here for half a lunar cycle." Alex translated that in her head—two weeks. "If you still wish to have your mortality returned before I depart, I can do that."

"Thank you."

She felt like she ought to offer something in payment, but she had nothing to offer. At least the goddess wasn't offended by Alex's request.

Idun addressed Thor next. "You look wary, my prince."

"I am considering what my brother may try to do if Lady Alex were to refuse immortality."

"I suggest you keep him muzzled and chained. If he hears of this, he will make sure she has no choice in the matter."

"Anything he does will only be because he cares for her. He hides just how vulnerable he really is."

"That doesn't make him any less selfish. Alex, if you do decide to keep the gift, you needn't condemn yourself to misery in this realm."

"I can choose misery in another realm?"

Idun laughed. "I'd prefer you shunned misery entirely. There are places on Asgard that would welcome you, far from the royal court. Some of them—like the shield maidens' home—are forbidden to men. You would never need see Loki again."

"Forgive me, my lady," said Thor, "but Loki has changed his form into that of a woman before."

"Then your father will need to find some way of controlling him, if she wishes to be free of him."

Alex scrubbed her face with her hands. "I'll think about it. I suppose there are other things I can do while you rest."

"You look like you could use the rest too, child."

Alex gave a hollow laugh. "I've rested all I can for now. I have new fodder for nightmares now I can remember everything that happened."

"I can remove some, if you wish. If it would make it easier."

"No. I think I need them all, good or bad. I lived through them, and if I am still missing parts of my past, then I'll never really be whole."

"You have a wise streak in you. It bodes well." Alex rose from the chair and wondered whether she needed to curtsy, before offering Idun an awkward wave. Thank you, again. I hope you get the rest you need."

"And you."

Thor followed her out, and Alex paused in the corridor, where it split. "I don't think I want to go back to my room just yet."

"You wish to see him," Thor said quietly.

"Yeah." She sighed. She felt pathetic for giving into the urge—for even having the urge—but even with her new perspective, she wanted to be around him. They'd been together so long, with her an almost constant presence at his side when they became a couple, that the absence of him for nearly two years gnawed at her. There was a space where he'd been missing from her life, and she wanted to fill it. Even if she started weaning herself off him, she'd probably forever feel that absence. Besides which, she wondered what seeing him with the fresh perspective she'd gained would be like.

They returned to the elevator and Thor punched for two floors below. It was easy to spot where Loki was being held; there were six SHIELD soldiers outside the single steel door. The one directly in front of it stepped aside at Thor's approach, and Thor swiped an electronic pass that blipped, allowing him to push inside.

"Brother". Alex couldn't see Loki around Thor's bulk, not until he swept aside to retrieve something from the corner. She caught sight of the massive hammer he swung up, focusing on his movement rather than the glowering figure on the other side of the room, chained to a hefty armchair. Sadly, watching Thor only led to her staring at Loki anyway, when he crossed to drop the hammer down into Loki's lap. Loki hissed behind the silver gag he was wearing, but when Alex stepped forward he turned his attention away from Thor. She couldn't see his mouth, the bottom half of his face completely obscured, but even his eyes alone managed to convey his smirk.

"He won't be able to move when he's pinned by Mjolnir," Thor explained as he reached around to unclip the muzzle.

"That's much appreciated," Loki said when his mouth was free, though his gaze never left Alex. The anticipation there left goosebumps crawling across her skin. "It'll be even more appreciated if you destroy it."

"This is just so you may talk, brother. I'll be returning." Thor backed into the hallway and swung the door shut behind him. The locks snicked, trapping her in.

"Asta."

"It's Alex."

"But you always did prefer it when I called you Asta."

"My name is Alex."

He shrugged. "It's a shame. I did get a kick out of everyone calling you by my endearment for you. It reinforced just how much you are mine."

She ignored the possessive heat in his gaze. "You need a shower. And a haircut."

"I assure you, that is not what I need most."

"From where I'm standing it is."

"Come closer, I can change your mind. Or perhaps you'd like to bathe with me."

"No. No sweet talk. You haven't earned the right. And definitely no innuendo with that hair."

His stare turned cold. This wasn't the reaction he'd expected from her; she wasn't falling into his arms and promising eternal devotion. All that arrogance from before was washed away.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you," she said, her tone making it clear she wasn't sorry at all. "I know this isn't what you expected."

"They must have tampered with your memories."

"No. My memories are fine. Only I didn't just get my past back, I gained some clarity with it. I saw how we truly were."

"And that displeases you somehow?" His mouth twisted into a snarl. "You loved me, then. You love me still. I was the only man you ever wanted, and in return I gave you fidelity and the promise of marriage. I didn't make those promises lightly. You tasted pleasure most women only read about in stories."

It was easier to ignore the memories she had of that pleasure when he looked as he did right now, the evil he committed clinging to his skin as much as the grime.

"You gave me enough to keep me a placid pet. I don't delude myself that I was ever more than that."

He stiffened, his legs straining against the chains, but the hammer held him fast. "You think I would go to all this effort to retrieve someone I considered no more than a pet?"

"What else am I supposed to think? I had to beg you for affection, and often it felt like you barely tolerated it. That pleasure you spoke about? That was as much for your benefit as for mine—at first I was convenient, and then I was a way of winding your father up. You never once told me you loved me!"

"You think I would ask you to be my wife if I didn't?"

"I think you knew taking a Midgardian girl home was going to annoy Odin, and you just couldn't resist the urge to needle him. Not when he'd already chosen Thor over you for the throne."

"You are wrong." His tone carried the chill of menace. "I wanted you, just as I told you, and when you were torn from me I stopped playing their games."

"That's why you tried to destroy Jotunheim? You want to blame me for that?"

"I see Thor has told you his side of the story," he said, with no small amount of bitterness.

"What other side is there? There's no other way of explaining how you almost destroyed an entire realm, or tried to take over the planet I live on."

"I did it all for you! Without you, what incentive did I have to abide by their rules?"

"That's not an excuse! People lose the ones they love all the time. They grieve, they mourn—they don't attempt genocide."

"You are impossible to please."

"You're impossible to make happy. Don't kid yourself, you didn't do this for me. It was for you. God, you invaded every part of my life. Even when I wasn't with you I was thinking about you. You didn't care that I didn't have any real friends, or that all that time with you distanced me from my family. So long as I was cooing and fawning over you, you were happy. I never had a chance at normality. I'm just a toy taken away from you, so you're throwing a tantrum. It's always been about you, and unless you face up to your own self-loathing, you'll never find any peace."

"Perhaps I have no interest in peace."

"Well, I do."

He scoffed. "Not after the life I've shown you. You'll never be content, not without me. You'll never feel this way about anyone else. I'm in your blood."

"Maybe I don't need to. I could find a nice man, a kind man, and that would satisfy me. It'd be a refreshing change, not having to constantly guess how he really felt, waiting for any scrap of affection he could throw my way. Not dancing around on tiptoe waiting for another emotional outburst that results in a levelled city. I could find happiness in that."

He snarled, and Alex backed up to the door, afraid the hammer and chains weren't going to contain him, but despite his struggles he was trapped. "Do not think I will ever allow another man to even look at you in that way. I told you once that I would have all of you, and you willingly chose that. Even if you are at the other end of the universe, you will always be mine. Always."

Despite her fear, she met his eyes. "No one gets to make decisions for me anymore. Not you, not your father, not SHIELD." She rapped on the door, waiting for the locks to open before she delivered her final words. "And right now, I don't choose you."