I always promised to wait. To love. To be loyal until the very end of my lifetime.
I knew full well who and what you were, and what troubles and pains could be wrought thanks to that. I never expected to hear you tell me you loved me; after all, it was purely forbidden. You could not take sides, you could not love any one person, you could only watch and record the destruction and events of this long, torturous war. Even now, I wish I had asked you, 'What is it like to be a Bookman?' Alas, I never did.
Some boundaries just cannot be crossed.
Despite that… Do you remember, Lavi? Do you remember that day, deep down? I managed to irritate a Noah; one of the most dangerous, I'd think. Tyki Mikk. I came out okay, only a few bruises and pretty shaken up. It could have been far worse… I couldn't fully understand why, but… You interfered. You went to fight the Noah…
Did you realize what you were doing, then? Did you realize the rules you had just broken?
I was scared, knowing you went to fight him, but you seemed okay. Until he returned yet again. That's when we learned he put that dreaded Teaz in my heart… You were horrified and extremely irritated. You fought him again, until I started feeling the effects that Teaz had on me. I could never guess, could never dream, that a heart could hurt so much. So many different feelings of pain coursed through my chest; burning, tearing, I could feel every gnaw of Teaz in my heart… No word could describe such feelings.
You didn't skip a beat, though. You gave up the fight, you took me away from there before more harm could be done in my moment of weakness. You got me into a bed, and we waited for the Head Nurse… I felt so… So terrified. Yet, at the same time, I felt that comfort from you I experienced with our first hug.
Sappy, huh?
Sister… Jelena, she had come too. I tried to joke, act as if I was perfectly fine, but she knew better. Big sisters always know when their youngest sister is in pain. She had left for something… perhaps to actually find the Nurse? I hadn't really noticed at first, I was far too deep into thought. How was I still alive, even now? Was Tyki only toying with us, waiting to kill me off?
Lavi… You shook me out of those thoughts. You took my hand, oh so gently… You seemed genuinely distraught that this had all happened. I couldn't help but feel guilty. You apologized to me, then, Lavi. Did you feel it was your fault? You told me you should have been there, protecting me. I tried to assure you; it was okay. It wasn't your fault…
I lied for the first time to you, that day. I lied when I promised that I knew I'd survive. Of course, you had to voice my fears. You asked me, Lavi, 'How do you know? What if you don't?'' Again, I had to lie… I told you not to worry, no matter what, I would live. You gripped my hand a little bit tighter, then.
And, though you don't know it… What happened next is what saved my life.
Lavi, we both know you hesitated, but I'm so glad you came through with it… You told me you loved me. I don't think you could ever realize how much that shocked me, but, oh, what a pleasant shock it was. You may wonder how those words saved my life?
Lavi, oh my dear, sweet Lavi, those words changed my lie into a stone-hard oath; I would come out okay, better than okay, even. I would not let myself die; I refuse to give you up.
I will forever give you my loyalty and devotion.
You gave me my life, and the strength to grasp it tightly. I will cherish every second.