Part XIV

By the time Joanne reached the hospital room, Kim was still laying on the bed with her father but they had both woken back up. The apprehensive look in all four sets of eyes as they looked at her as she entered the room hurt, but Joanne couldn't say that she hadn't asked for it.

"Johnny? Would you mind terribly taking the kids down to the cafeteria? I'm sure they wouldn't mind a snack."

The kids and Johnny all looked to Roy, who gave a nod of approval.

"Go on. I'm not going anywhere."

As Joanne started to reach into her purse for some money, Johnny just waved her off as he moved over to Roy's bed and lifted Kim off.

"Time to get your shoes back on, Kimmy. Come on, Chris. I don't know about you guys, but I think I want a burger."

An awkward silence hung over the room as the kids got ready and lingered even after Johnny had herded them out. Joanne was having trouble thinking how to begin. The silence was finally broken by Roy.

"Jo? I know what I do can't be easy to live with. But it isn't just a job for me. Never has been and I doubt it ever will be. If a fireman's wife isn't something that you want to be anymore, I won't fight it. I'd rather see you happy, but I won't be cut off from the kids."

His words hit her hard and weren't at all what she had been expecting. Obviously the past year had wounded him deeper than Roy had let show.

"Are you talking about us getting a divorce?"

"Yes. I am."

"You don't even want to fight for our marriage?"

The sigh came out before Roy could stop it, but he managed not to let the discomfort it caused show.

"If you don't love me anymore, Jo – there's nothing left to fight for."

It took her a moment to catch her breath. Roy's blue eyes were open windows that always exposed his feelings even if he was trying to mask them in other ways. He really did think she didn't still love him. Roy spoke again while she was still silent.

"This isn't an easy question, but it's one I'd really like the answer to. I've been thinking back some. Back to when we were dating. I never knew what it was over, but I know you and your mother were fighting a lot in those days. Did - when I proposed to you? Did you accept because you loved me or because you were rebeling against your mother?"

Roy's eyes stayed on her, but hers didn't meet his as the silence lingered a little too long as she tried to figure out what to say. If she was being honest with herself, both were true to a degree. His voice broke the silence again.

"I guess that answers that."

The resigned tone in his voice both slightly irritated her and worried her. More the latter.

"Does it really matter now? We have a family together."

His gaze left her and he focused on the IV tubing running to his arm.

"It does - it matters to me."

"Do you still love me, Roy?"

He winced a bit as his ribs disagreed with his shifting his position as he looked at her again.

"Yes. I've always loved you, Jo. I just don't know if I can continue this way. Everything -"

Roy really couldn't find the words for it. It was like the floor had fallen out from underneath him. In a way, the floor had given way. Everything beyond work that he'd built his life around had been built on a lie so far as he could see. The expression on his face was hard for her to watch.

"I do love you, Roy."

"You've had a funny way of showing it lately."

"What's going on in here?"

Turning, Joanne reflected that the way her day had been going, it figured that Dr. Brackett would pick just that moment to come in.

Scowling, it didn't take Dr. Brackett long to take note that almost none of the orders he'd left for his patient had been followed including the removal of the restraints. That part he elected to ignore for the moment. It wasn't as if Roy could have removed them by himself.

"Any particular reason you've been refusing your medications? Don't even try to tell me you aren't in pain."

Over the years, Dr. Brackett had seen Roy in any number of conditions and situations, but nothing like his current one. Roy just closed his eyes as if he were exhausted.

"Doesn't matter any more. Do whatever you want. I don't care."

Brackett looked back to Joanne.

"Listen - I don't know and I don't want to know what you two were talking about, but you need to wait until later to continue it. I need the room cleared for now while I examine him."

As Joanne just quietly nodded and stepped outside. The whole conversation hadn't gone the way that she'd intended. She should have known better and started out by apologizing. After all of her years with Roy, Joanne knew that when he was hurt and unable to do things, he tended to get broody and slightly depressed. Add that to everything else, his mental state should have been obvious. Sighing, she found a chair and sank into it, rubbing her forehead. She had to get out what needed to be said to Roy soon if she was going to be able to salvage what was left of their marriage.