Part XVIII

By the time Roy was cleared to return to full duty, he and Joanne had already started bi-weekly sessions with a therapist, Dr. Layne, a personable woman that both of them felt comfortable with. It was a unpleasant revelation to Joanne when she began to figure out just how much she had been subconsciously judging success and failure by parameters set by her mother's standards. As for Roy? Once he began to slowly open up, Joanne was frankly shocked at the number of things that her quiet husband kept beneath the surface. The confidence Roy had with himself regarding the things he could do was nowhere to be found with the things that he felt. And while Joanne had figured out that Roy had nightmares on occasion, she hadn't known just how frequently he had them.

That turned out to be one thing that the therapist helped a lot on. With her encouragement, Roy began to talk in more than generalities and, for the first time, spoke about some of the more wrenching things he'd seen on his job that stuck with him. Especially those calls that had involved children. Joanne knew he was still sanitizing what he was describing, but even so, it was more than she'd ever known before about the demons that sometimes plagued Roy's sleep.

Not that everything went smoothly just because their sessions were going so well. Joanne had to actively watch to keep herself from sliding into what had, over the last year, become a pattern for her. She ended up enlisting the kids. She put a small jar in 'Command Central' with a small bowl beside it that held the beads from a necklace that the string had broken on. The kids didn't have to confront their mother or say anything. Every time that they heard her saying something to or about someone that sounded 'a little too much like Grandmother', they were to drop a bead into the jar. Whenever she saw a bead in the jar, Joanne knew she needed to think back over what she had done or said recently. The beads were fairly frequent occurrences during the first few weeks, but as spring moved to summer and then to fall, the beads rarely entered the jar any more.

Seeing the empty jar on the counter proved to be a real confidence booster for her. It meant that not only did she think she was doing better, her family was noticing and thought she was doing better as well. The usual perils of being a firefighter/paramedic intruded, but they were talking about it more and that seemed to help both of them.

The first major test came when Johnny ended up in the hospital just before Thanksgiving. Roy was forced to leave the hospital to get some rest, but he hadn't been asleep long before Joanne realized he was in the grip of a nightmare. She resisted the urge to touch him and instead stayed to the side and called out his name until he finally responded. Breathing hard and covered in sweat, it took another minute for him to fully recognize where he was.

"Jo?"

"Right here. Are you alright, Roy?"

Sitting up and running his hand over his face, Roy gave a brief nod.

"Sorry. I should have realized that was coming and gone down to the couch."

She just stared at him for a moment while that sank in.

"Wait a minute. You mean that's why I'll find you on the couch sometimes?"

He just nodded again.

"No need to wreck sleep for both of us, right? Jo?"

When Roy lowered his hands away from his face, he wasn't quite sure what the expression on his wife's face meant. She finally sighed and sat down next to him, leaning against his body despite the dampness.

"You have no idea how many nights I've sat here and wondered if I'd said or done something wrong. If you were tired of me. Just didn't want to be bothered."

Hearing what thoughts had been running through her mind, Roy groaned.

"You're right. I had no idea. We could be poster models for miscommunication, could we?"

"I rather we weren't anymore. Roy? Do you think you could tell me what the nightmare was about?"

"It's not pretty, honey."

"If it was pretty, you wouldn't be having nightmares about it. Talk to me. Please. Was it something to do with Johnny?"

She was surprised when he shook his head.

"No."

For a moment, she thought that was all he was going to say, but then he wrapped his arms around her and began speaking softly.

"It was back with my unit. One of the newer guys twisted his ankle, of all things. He was eighteen, went into the Army straight out of school. Anyway, I was checking him over to make sure he hadn't broken anything. I don't even remember anymore what it was that I needed out of my kit, but I leaned back to get it. While I was looking away, there was a noise. Kind of like a buzz from a flying insect and there were plenty of insects over there."

"When I turned back around, he was dead. Buzzing noise I heard was probably the bullet that killed him. I know this is going to sound weird, but it didn't really get to me until about a week later. That when we got word that there was a small team going around targeting medics and doctors."

"My CO figured what happened was that the shooter was targeting me and when I moved for my kit, the bullet hit the kid instead of me. And I know it isn't logical. I didn't even know the guy was out there. But I still feel like I'm partially responsible for killing that kid."

Joanne just held him, thinking back on the times when Johnny would get frustrated because it seemed like any time that he got even a slight injury, Roy seemed to feel responsible for not being able to prevent it. She made a mental note to herself to try and bring it up during their next therapy session. She didn't feel comfortable trying to tackle it on her own, but he was bearing burdens. Heavy ones. She didn't him to keep them to himself for so long that they broke him.

After a few minutes, she urged him up and into a warm shower while she changed the sheets. She hoped a change of topic before going back to sleep might allow him to get a little rest.

"You know, Dr. Early seemed hopeful that Johnny will be out before Thanksgiving, but he'll still be needing to take things easy. Why don't we ask him to stay in the guest room and we'll have Thanksgiving right here for the five of us?"

As he settled back into bed, Roy drew Joanne over to him.

"I'd like that. I'd like that a lot. But you mother -"

She stopped him before he could finish that thought.

"I've been thinking a lot about that. When I was growing up, Mom didn't take me to my grandparent's house every Thanksgiving. Most of them were spent at home with just my parents and us kids. That's what I'd like to do too. With Johnny added in. He's half your younger brother and half your oldest son, I think."

That got a much desired laugh from Roy.

"Please don't let Johnny hear you say that. Stick with the younger brother part."