Chapter 22
The next couple days passed uneventfully, Damon had sorted things out at her school and Elena was planning to go back on Monday. Damon made sure she was busy during the daytime, anything to take her mind off whatever bad habits she had sunk into over the past months. She had spent the nights at the boarding house but Damon hadn't joined her, she didn't know where he went. He was there when she went to sleep and when she woke up but there were no signs that he had slept anywhere in the house. She slept in his bed, she knew that was probably the reason he was avoiding it, but she selfishly didn't want move. She felt safe there, surrounded by his belongings and smell. It was as though nothing could harm her when she was wrapped in his sheets.
They hadn't talked about their kiss. She had tried to bring it up on numerous occasions but he had always avoided the topic. He kept their relationship strictly platonic, and their conversations light and meaningless.
She had been doing well; the urge to cut was diminishing, as was her desire for alcohol. Not that it wasn't hard. Damon had caught her with one of his scotch bottles resulting in an argument and him hiding all the booze in the house.
Sometimes she would catch Damon looking at her in a way that made her chest ache. There was such intensity on his face, such love in his eyes that she wanted more than anything to explain that she felt the same way.
Damon was struggling. He was struggling with life, with love, with responsibility. He was just struggling with everything. He was desperately trying to hold it all together, but every minute it got harder.
Every second of every day he could feel Elena's lips against his, her delicate fingers on his skin. It was taking everything he had not to grab her and force her into a repeat performance. His bed was coated in her sweet scent, the sheets rumpled, the pillows slept on. The entire house was full of her, her smell, her warmth, her presence. He felt like he was drowning in her, the only way to save himself being him pulling her down with him. He didn't want to be that guy for her, he didn't want to be one of her distractions. He couldn't be. It would break him completely, if he was with her only to be cast aside when the deed was done.
He knew she was confused by the way he was behaving. And that only made it harder. He hated seeing her upset, especially when he was the cause. But he was doing the right thing, however much he hated it, however much he wished that things could be different. He was doing the right thing.
He hadn't slept well in days. Every time he closed his eyes he was haunted by the image of her barely alive body sprawled on her bathroom floor. It was that that reminded him why he had to keep their relationship platonic. He was helping her get better, being there for her when she needed him. In a strictly friendly way. He was getting her life back on track, not letting his feelings get in the way of her well being.
That was more important than anything else.
He lay on the couch in the boarding house living room, staring unseeingly out of the rain-streaked window. He could hear Elena getting dressed upstairs, dragging a comb through her hair, slipping on her shoes. He heard her sigh softly before traipsing down the stairs towards him.
He braced himself for her presence, as pathetic as it sounded; containing himself around her had become quite a feat.
"Good morning Damon." She said quietly, giving him a small smile.
He nodded in reply, letting his eyes drift over her petite figure. He swallowed compulsively and looked away, trying to get the image of how well that particular pair of jeans hugged her curves, out of his mind.
"So, I was hoping we could maybe talk?" She murmured, fiddling with the hem of her shirt.
He glanced at her cautiously.
"Oh? What's on your mind?" He asked, his expression guarded.
She sighed and moved closer to the couch.
She knew she had to get it out before he realized what she was trying to talk about. All the other times he had successfully evaded her whenever she had even tried to bring it up. She chewed on her lip, contemplating what to say.
"It had nothing to do with Stefan." She suddenly blurted out. While it didn't live up to the epic speech she had prepared in her mind, it got the point across.
Damon's eyes snapped to hers briefly before he looked away, his walls firmly in place.
"Elena." He said warningly, moving to stand up.
She rushed to his side and placed her hands on his shoulders, keeping him in place.
He could have easily broken out of her grip but he allowed her to hold him still, his skin burning where she touched him.
"Please just listen to me." She begged.
He clenched his jaw and looked anywhere but her eyes, which he knew would be enormous and pleading. Impossible to say no to.
"I kissed you because…"
He was up before she could finish her sentence.
"Don't." He spat.
She flinched at the hostility that was rolling off him in waves.
He found himself briefly wondering what he was doing. If he just let her talk they could get it over with and get past all this awkwardness. They could go back to how things were before. He knew she was about to give him some excuse as to why she had done it, and promise him that she cared. But he didn't think he could hear it. He didn't think he could listen to another one of her 'I care about you, Damon' speeches. They always ended with a 'but' and it was that three letter word that would break his heart just a little more.
She reached out to touch his arm.
"Please…" She started.
He flinched away from and forced himself to ignore the tears that were swimming in her eyes.
"Leave it alone! Why can't you just leave it the hell alone?" He yelled, his words coming out harsher than he had intended.
She grabbed his hand before he could stop her.
"Damon!"
He yanked himself out of her grasp with superhuman force, cringing when he felt her finger twist unnaturally against his hand.
She cried out in pain and looked up at him with nothing but hurt in her watery eyes.
Her face crumpled and she turned and ran out of the house, cradling her hand against her chest.
He stood rooted to the spot, a mixture of disbelief and disgust coursing through his veins. This was a new low for him. Not only had he brought her to tears, but he had actually physically hurt her. Something he swore he would never do.
His face twisted in anger and his fist collided with the wall, breaking it easily, only serving to remind him that with that very strength he had hurt her not seconds before. He had hurt Elena.
He looked back at the window, the sky was dark with clouds, the air thick with torrential rain. He suddenly wanted nothing more than to have her safe in his arms. He needed to tell her that it was all him, that she was perfect and sweet and kind and precious. That everything was his fault and he's sorry and he'll protect her forever.
He found himself tearing out of the door into the downpour. He searched for her figure, the rain impairing visibility.
"Elena? Elena!" He called, possessed by a sudden, immobilizing fear. She could have slipped and broken her neck, she could have been hit by a passing car, swerving out of control in the water.
"Elena!" He searched desperately for any sense of her, breathing a sigh of relief when he heard her pounding heartbeat relatively close to him. He followed the delicious sound until he saw her. She was standing at the bottom of the driveway, looking like she didn't know what to do next. Her hair was plastered to her head and dark streaks of mascara stained her cheeks. Even when she was a complete mess she looked impossibly beautiful.
She noticed him and gulped, wiping angrily at her face.
"Leave me alone." She shouted. "I don't want to talk to you."
He felt a lump form in his throat as he looked at her pitiful expression. How could he do this to her?
"I'm sorry ok?" He yelled.
The rain was beating down on them, tracing paths down his face.
"I'm sorry that I keep hurting you. I'm sorry that every time I move you get hurt."
She was crying openly now, water and tears mixing on her cheeks.
"I keep trying to do the right thing. I'm trying to do what's best for you, but I don't know how any more. Because I want you so much."
He was choking on his words and she was sure that the wetness on his face wasn't only caused by the torrential downpour.
"I'm trying not to be selfish. But I love you. I love you so much that it hurts every time I look at you."
He ran a hand through his hair and stared up at the sky, letting the rain hit his closed eyes.
"I'm sorry." He said again, quieter this time, as though admitting defeat.
Elena gasped, trying to hold in her sobs.
"Damon." She cried.
And suddenly she was running. She didn't care about anything else, she just had to get to him. He heard her footsteps and opened his eyes and arms just in time to catch her as she hurled herself against him.
He picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. She pressed a hand against his cheek and stared into his blue eyes, they were watery and intense. Beautiful.
"Has it ever occurred to you that letting me love you might be the right thing to do?" She asked, barely above a whisper.
And then his lips were on hers, hot and desperate. She responded with equal need, showing him her love in every touch and caress. Pouring her passion into that one kiss, leaving them both gasping for breath.
"I love you so much." She moaned into his mouth.
He pulled away and stared at her with something in between elation and disbelief.
"I love you. I love you. I love you." She whispered, holding his gaze unflinchingly.
He was incapable of forming a sentence, her sweet words whirling around his brain. She loved him. Elena Gilbert loved him. The thought was so extraordinary that he felt the sudden urge to laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of it. But no, he could see the truth in her eyes, they were filled with the one emotion that had never ever been directed at him in his very long life. Love.
She was gazing at him lovingly.
She pressed her lips to his in a caress. Softly, sweetly telling him everything he needed to know. She was his. It was undoubtedly the best moment of his existence.
She shivered slightly in the rain and he snapped out of his love induced reverie and carried her to the house. Suddenly worried by her soaking clothes and pale skin.
He set on the couch, right where he'd been sitting only minutes earlier. How did everything change in such a short period of time?
She hissed in pain as her finger got caught on his shirt. He instantly knelt beside her and took her hand gently in his, rage and remorse filling him when he saw her oddly bent finger.
He brought it to his mouth and pressed light kisses over every inch of her hand, punctuating each brush of his lips with a whispered apology.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry." He murmured, holding the damaged extremity like it was the most precious thing in the world.
He pulled back to examine the extent of her injury, being careful not to cause her even the slightest discomfort.
"Your beautiful, beautiful hands." He breathed.
Elena watched him, her heart filling with an unmatchable warmth. No one had ever shown this much love to her, no one had ever made her feel so cherished. She felt her eyes flood with a new batch of tears. She found herself wondering why the hell it had taken her so long to realize that it was him. It was him all along, it was always Damon.
She ran her unharmed hand through his wet hair, reveling in the fact that she could touch him without feeling guilty.
"I'm sorry." She whispered.
His eyes snapped to hers, disbelief etched across his features.
"What?" He asked as though he couldn't believe his ears. "Elena, you have nothing, nothing to apologize for."
She pressed her hand to the side of his face, brushing her thumb against his chin.
"I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out." She breathed, before reaching forwards and pressing her lips to his.
Ok well that is not where I was planning to go with this chapter! They weren't going to get together for at least another three chapters, but I guess they couldn't wait, cos once I started this I couldn't stop! I hope it was worth the wait and their culmination was good enough..
- Serena x