A/N: STRONG SUGGESTION: At the section that begins with stars (*******), go to youtube and play the song "Hush Thee My Dove, A Manx Lullaby" by Hilary Field and Patrice O'Neill. Here's a link for you: youtube /watch?v=UqRIQgWTPcc . Trust me, it will make reading that part even more enjoyable : )

Also, there's kind of a spoiler for the book A Clockwork Orange in this chapter. My favorite book in the world by the way...

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. The roller coaster really kinda starts here.

From The Ashes

By Anna Morgan

Chapter 10 Of Nightmares and Lullabies

That night, the first nightmare infiltrated his mind's fortress.

Loki was lying spread eagle on the floor, each hand pinned to the ground by a poisoned knife. Over him, stood the Other – and Thanos. They laughed at him, mocking his pain as they kicked him and spat on him. He could feel the poison burning through him, ripping his nerves apart, boiling his blood as he screamed in agony.

And suddenly he was surrounded by horrific images of his past as he tortured himself, his sins consuming him, swallowing him like the Void had done.

"You cannot kill an entire race!"
"Why not?"

"You were made to be ruled."

"I will conceal you and a handfold of your soldiers, lead you into Odin's chambers and you can slay him where he lies."

"The Chitauri are coming! Nothing can stop that!"

"I wanna know what you've done to Agent Barton."
"I'd say I've expanded his mind."

"I could have done it, Father! I could have done it! For you! For all of us!"
"No, Loki."

He bolted upright in his bed, panting, sweating, tears streaming from his eyes. Looking around, he saw that he was not with the Chitauri, or even Thanos, any longer, but safe in his bedroom in the Avengers Tower.

He placed his head in his hands and wiped his eyes. It was a nightmare. Nothing more.

His heart pounded so hard he thought it would jump straight from his chest. The images of his sins still burned fresh in his mind. Gods, why could he remove them?!

Lying back down he closed his eyes again, though he knew it was in vain. He would not sleep again that night.

….

Change and adaptation were a strange and wonderful couple Loki thought, as time passed in the Avengers tower. It seemed as though he had only blinked and a month passed by in the second his eyes were closed. The cool autumn breeze of early November, adorned with gold and scarlet and orange leaves, evolved into a harshly cold December winter wind that left the trees barren and void of life. Not that Loki minded the cold; indeed he actually felt rather comfortable when he stood out on the balcony overlooking the city skyline. Of course, he figured, it was the Jotun blood in him.

As far as life in the tower was concerned, Loki found it couldn't be more different from the structured life in the palace of Asgard. The tower served as both Stark Enterprises' research and development facility and the Avengers headquarters. Because of these uses, and of the occupants themselves, a daily normal routine simply didn't exist. The two resident spies and assassins came and went sporadically, being sent away on missions either together or solo fairly often. Steve also had his own agenda at SHIELD that he was pursuing, having partially filled the gap in the ranks left by Agent Coulson, a role which he shared with Natasha.

Tony and Pepper, of course, had a multi-billion dollar company to run, and so they were attending to business often, when they weren't tinkering in the lab with Bruce of course. Bruce haunted the RnD labs most of the time, having been hired full time by Tony to help lead the RnD team, and so he could most often be found there, surrounded by unhealthy amounts of granola wrappers, half-eaten pizza, and coffee. Random explosions from the labs were not only common in the tower, but a phenomenon to be expected.

It was unpredictable, orderless, unsystematic – and Loki basked in the chaos of it all.

….

Eventually, Loki interacted with each of the Avengers (with the exception of Clint, who he only saw in passing or in the presence of others) but, bar none, Loki's favorite person in the tower quickly became Natasha.

Loki took her up on her offer to let him read some of the books she had at the first opportunity. The first time he visited her was a few evenings after their conversation in the common room floor just as Natasha had returned from one of her missions. It was night, and Loki had long since finished his interview with Steve about Thanos and all that he knew of his plans and he needed something to distract himself from the sinister images that had haunted his mind all afternoon. It was with relief that he remembered Natasha's offer and the opportunity to distract himself for at least a little while.

Loki climbed the stairs three stories up from the common room floor so that he wouldn't startle her again with his teleporting. He climbed until he reached a door with a small red hourglass printed at eye level that indicated it was the Black Widow's, knocked politely and waited until she opened the door.

She was still in her SHIELD uniform when she answered, looking a bit tired and dirty. She looked mildly surprised and a little confused to see him. "Hey, Loki," she said.

"Good evening Natasha," Loki greeted her. "I wonder if I might take you up on your offer to share some of your library?"

Her face relaxed a bit and she smiled lightly. "Sure. Come on in…"

Natasha opened the door to allow him access and closed it again behind him. She led him around the divider to an open living area and his attention was drawn to the left. On the slanted ivory wall was a fireplace, which was blazing now, surrounded by an in-wall bookshelf on all sides. Volumes and volumes of books stacked neatly on the shelves covered nearly every single inch of the wall, encompassing every subject from science to medicine to history and, of course, classic literature.

She hadn't been lying when she said she had a small library. Loki was actually impressed at her collection.

He scanned the wall and quickly found what he was looking for: an entire section of Shakespeare works (every one of his plays from the looks of it). He could tell which ones she read often – their bindings were obviously more worn and bent up than those that sat undisturbed on the shelf. His eyes were drawn immediately to one battered-looking work: King Lear. He slowly reached for it and pulled it off the shelf.

Natasha stood to the side, observing him cautiously. "That's a good one," she commented as he scrutinized her collection. "One of my favorites."

"So it would seem," Loki turned the book over in his hand. "You must have read it often judging by the state of it."

She shrugged in reply. "Were you planning to stay here and read it or take it somewhere?" she asked. "I don't mind either way," she added at Loki's expression. "As long as you don't, you know, tear pages out. Or spill coffee on it like Thor did," she added darkly at the memory of Thor knocking over his coffee onto one of her books. True, it was an accident and he had apologized profusely but that didn't make the loss of her book any less tragic.

Loki chuckled lightly. That sounds like Thor – clambering about and causing destruction with his clumsiness, Loki thought.

"I shall be the image of caution. If it eases you I shall stay here with it," Loki said. He preferred it here – the room was very cozy, and much less noisy than the common room floor.

"That's fine," Natasha replied. "I need to clean up obviously," she looked herself down referencing her dirty, tired appearance. "But you can hang around here, I won't be long."

Loki accepted her offer and made his way to sit in the oversized black circular chair as Natasha departed for her room to shower and clean herself up. He opened the book and began to read silently to himself. After a few minutes he heard the water in the shower turn on. The soft sound of running water mingled with the pop and crackle of the fire that filled the room was calming.

About half an hour later, Natasha emerged from her room clad in simple black jeans and a red t-shirt. Her long red curls were still damp, Loki noticed, as she made her way to the bookshelf to retrieve her own book amongst the many volumes. He watched as she selected one and took it to the end of the sofa furthest away from him. Curling her legs underneath her like a cat, she began to read, humming quietly to herself as Loki focused his attention back to his own book.

Neither one of them said a word for at least an hour, each caught up in their own silent reverie. Loki, for his part, found himself quite content there. He had come to find a calm distraction and he had found it. The air that hung between them was a convivial one – blissful even, in a way that didn't require words. Both of them were perfectly content to allow each other their respite.

Natasha had been surprised at how calm she was around him. Having company after a 48-hour mission halfway across the world, and sitting through one of Fury's famous debriefing sessions, was the last thing she wanted but Loki was proving to be a pleasant guest. Who knew that being in the presence of a megalomaniac who had once tried to enslave the human race could be so comfortable? And, she reminded herself, she had offered to let him to borrow some of her books so she couldn't exactly tell him to go away.

Not that she wanted to.

When Loki decided that he had been distracted enough, he returned the book to its place on the shelf and approached Natasha. He extended his hand, requesting hers, which she willingly gave him. "Goodnight, Natasha," he brought her hand to his lips for a chaste kiss before he teleported back to his own room.

And so, it became their routine – whenever Natasha had some free time to herself, amidst her busy SHIELD schedule, missions, and training –she and Loki would sit down together in solitude and bond over the favorite past time that they shared.

….

Loki wished that more of his time could be as peaceful as the ones he spent with Natasha. But the calm hours he spent with her were the polar opposite of the personal hell that he endured each night.

Loki teleported into the common room floor in the morning a month after he had arrived, just as he did each morning. He was in a foul mood with everything – he had not slept well again that night. By now, purple bruises were beginning to form noticeably in the corners and beneath his tired eyes from how little sleep he had gotten in the past month.

Outside, the first snowfall of the year had begun to fall. A gentle wind blew the tiny flakes past the panoramic window that conjured an image of the snowfall in Jotunheim…. He shook his head to remove the image from his mind of the looming, sinister towers cloaked in thick snow and ice.

On this morning, only Bruce was present in the kitchen, hovering over the coffee pot as it brewed (Does that man ever sleep?). This was fine with Loki; he didn't feel like dealing with people right now anyway.

On the dining table sat a box containing an antique marble chess set.

"Morning Loki." Bruce said brightly, though obviously tired. "You ever play chess before?"

Loki raised an eyebrow. "No." He grabbed an apple and a cup of black coffee (he actually enjoyed the bitter taste – no need to overload it with sugar and cream, the way Thor did) and sat down at the table. He pulled out Natasha's copy of King Richard III and started to read.

"Would you like to learn?" Bruce asked. He didn't wait for Loki to answer before sitting down at the table across from Loki. Really Loki wasn't in a gaming mood but the book wasn't taking his mind off his nightmares, so he figured he may as well.

Bruce sat on the opposite side of him across the table and explained the rules and what the pieces did as Loki listened half-heartedly. He explained how and why he made certain movements with his pieces, which Loki mirrored. Loki caught onto the game quickly and their battle of wits and strategy ensued. Midgardians and their simple strategy games…

After a few minutes though, Bruce dominated the board, which annoyed Loki more than he already was. He furrowed his brow in concentration while Bruce tried to keep from looking too pleased with himself.

"Sooo….. How are you getting along here, Loki?" Bruce asked, trying to ease the tension a bit. "Do you like it here?"

"It is sufficient," Loki said coolly. He was still concentrating hard on his next movement. "I prefer it to the company of the Chitauri."

"That's…good…" Bruce wasn't sure how far he wanted to push Loki just now. On purpose, he sacrificed one of his knights.

"I heard you're getting along really well with Tony and Natasha," Bruce continued casually.

Loki looked up at him for a second, evaluating the purpose of the conversation. "Yes…it seems I am." The beast's mortal form is trying to distract me…. He gladly took the knight out with a bishop.

Their conversation was light and consisted of what Loki thought was nonsensical questions and answers: how he spent his days, projects that Bruce was working on in the labs, the idiosyncrasies of each of the Avengers that they both noticed…

Eventually, the topic turned to Natasha.

"I gotta say - it's nice to see Natasha spending time doing something other than beating the hell out of Steve or one of the poor punching bags," Bruce smiled lightly.

Loki looked Bruce in the eye. "It is her nature to unleash her more…extreme sentimentalities…in a violent manner. Much like some others in this dwelling." He kept eye contact for a few more seconds before moving a rook.

Of course Bruce knew what he was referring to. "Well I guess we're three peas in a pod then," Bruce took Loki's rook.

Loki hadn't been including himself when he had made the reference to the Hulk, but of course he realized how well he fit into that group.

"Since we are on the subject," Loki said more calmly. "I am curious as to her relationship with Agent Barton?" Bruce eyed him suspiciously. "I have noticed there is – as you say – bad blood between them," the words slithered with nearly innocent curiosity from his lips. He had been curious as to the nature of their apparent falling-out since he arrived. More importantly, it seemed as though the change of subject worked.

"Ah, that," Bruce ran a hand through his hair. "Well, don't go telling anyone I was the one who told you," Bruce looked around cautiously, "They were… together after what happened. But," he looked around again, "Clint…uh….had a woman on the side."

Loki hadn't expected that. "He had a mistress?" he exclaimed.

"Yeah…" Bruce continued quietly, as though he were speaking of a voodoo subject.

"Why ever would he do such a thing," Loki blurted out. Why would he need another woman if he had the most beautiful creature the Nine Realms had to offer…? Loki thought.

And where the Hel did that thought come from?!

"Beats me," Bruce replied. "She's beautiful, smart, cheeky…she could kick any of our asses with her hands behind her back," he smiled as his voice faded off. "And she's a good friend – doesn't judge anyone…"

Loki could sense the unspoken affection that Bruce obviously held for her.

Bruce snapped out of his daze. "Anyway, Steve and I actually caught him sneaking up with the other woman one night while Natasha was out on a mission," Bruce continued as he picked up his own rook. "Steve gave him an ultimatum: either he could 'fess up or we would tell her." He set down the rook. "So, he confessed."

"And Agent Romanoff was none too pleased I imagine?" Loki moved one of his remaining pawns forward.

"No…she wasn't" Bruce recalled the memory of that night. She had been in the gym, attacking a punching bag mercilessly for hours until her hands bled when he found her. He had approached her from behind. "Natasha…?" No answer. She kept hitting the bag. "Natasha?" Still no answer. "Natasha!" He grabbed her wrists to stop her. She had struggled for a second before she sank to her knees, sobbing as the blood poured down her forearms. He had hushed her as he held her close to his chest and ran his hand down her hair over and over, trying in vain to calm her…

"It really wasn't a pleasant sight," Bruce shook his head to clear the memory away. "I don't think we ever got all the blood off that bag." He backed Loki's king into a corner. "Check."

Loki moved a piece out to defend his king. "But they seem to work well together."

"Yeah, they've been SHIELD partners for years," Bruce replied as he picked up his queen. "They moved on pretty quick from it. They're really professional at what they do." He placed the queen down. "Checkmate."

Loki growled. He cursed the foolishness of the stupid Midgaurdian game as he rose from the table, Bruce grinning triumphantly.

….

Loki's mood hadn't improved much throughout the day. By the time Natasha arrived home in the early evening he had managed to get in a short nap, though it didn't help much.

They sat on the sofa in the common room floor tonight. It had been a long day for Natasha and she was exhausted. Her mind was at ease, however, when she had arrived home and Loki was already in the common room floor, reading to himself. Somehow, his presence calmed her, helped her unwind after difficult days like today. Perhaps because she now associated him with her one comforting activity….

Wordlessly, she sat down and began to read, willing herself to focus on the book before her, but something seemed off. She took her eyes from her book to examine him: he sat slightly slumped back in the center of the sofa, his knees spread apart, and leaning slightly to his left as he held the book in front of him. She could tell he was having a hard time focusing – he had dark circles under his eyes and purple bruises in the corners that indicated how sleepy he was.

He felt her eyes on him, and he raised his own to look at her from the corners of his weary eyes. "What, may I ask, are you staring at?"

"You," she said thoughtfully. "You look tired."

"Aren't you an ever-observant one?" he replied sarcastically.

Her face stayed neutral. "Are you alright?"

Loki was surprised by the tenderness of her tone. "Why do you ask?" Why do you care?

"Why should I not ask?" she pushed. He remained silent. She waited.

Finally, Loki sighed. "It is nothing you should concern yourself with." He turned his attention back to his book. He wanted to be able to trust her with that information. But he knew he would only be giving her potential ammunition to use against him in the future if she needed it. He knew that trick well…

Her gaze remained focused on him for a minute longer before she relented and turned back to her book. Her intuition told her that she knew exactly what was wrong based on her own experiences, but she didn't want to push the issue. She couldn't help but be reminded of that first night he had been there, when she walked on eggshells to keep him from imploding on himself in his fragile mental state at the time.

For another few moments, they sat quietly, the air somewhat heavy and tense. Suddenly Loki shut his book with a loud SNAP! Natasha jumped.

"What a stupid story," he commented angrily.

"Okay, first, please don't slam my books around, this copy is an original print," she took the book from his hands. Her voice was calm but he could tell she was annoyed. "Second, how can you say Lord of the Rings is stupid? It's a classic fantasy tale!"

"Because it is a fantasy!" He stood and paced around to release his annoyance. "These hobbit creatures do not exist anywhere in the Nine Realms! It is impossible for any of this to be real. Elves and Dwarves are nothing like the way they are described here," he ranted. "And they certainly do not interact with mortals. And furthermore, why in the name of Valhalla would a King of an immortal race trust an all-powerful ring with the potential to destroy the world and all who inhabit it in the hands of useless, defenseless creatures with no extraordinary powers and no way to safeguard it? It is completely illogical!" He took a deep breath and he realized how childish he must sound.

Natasha felt a strange rush of amusement at his now-familiar rants and had to stop herself from smiling.

"Relax, Spock, it's just a story." She eyed him inquisitively. "Here – " she reached into her bag beside her and pulled out a black paperback book. She held it close to her before reaching out to him.

She knew it could release triggers in him, and because she knew this, she hesitated. "This one is a little more real and logical."

Loki looked at her, then down at the book, then back at her again before he took it from her outstretched hand. He examined it. "A Clockwork Orange," he read aloud. He looked back up at her. "What does it concern?"

"It's centered on the possibility of 'evil' being as valid a state of being as 'good', and that it's our ability to choose between the two, not necessarily which path we choose, that's important," she paused. "it's a philosophical novel. My favorite book." He raised his eyebrows curiously. There was a pregnant pause; obviously this was a sensitive subject for them both. Their gaze held; Loki was the first to break it. He accepted it and went back to his original spot on the sofa. Sensing that the waters had calmed a bit she retreated back to her spot as he began to read.

A few more minutes passed. Natasha began to hum to herself quietly, barely audible to anyone who was not sitting three feet from her. It was a calm, slow tune that Loki recognized; she would hum it to herself all the time. He found himself becoming calmer as she carried on, it's slow melody draining his foul mood away from him.

"That song," he said more gently, his annoyance retreating. "You are always singing it." She stopped and looked at him. "What is it?"

Natasha hesitated. "It's a lullaby," she said. "My mother would sing it to my brother and me. Before the fire. Before the Red Room," she looked down, shaking her head. "It's one of the only memories I have that I know is my own."

Loki was surprised. This was the first mention of her past that she had willingly spoken of. He actually felt pity for her for a fleeting second, remembering how Frigga would sing to him as well. To calm the nightmares he had as a child…

"Sing it," he requested, though he as certainly not forceful.

*******Keeping her head down, she granted his request. She began to sing softly in a low but nonetheless beautiful tone:

"Oh hush thee my dove, oh hush thee my rowan
Oh hush thee my lapwing my little brown bird
Oh hush thee my dove, oh hush thee my rowan
Oh hush thee my lapwing my little brown bird

Oh fold thy wings, and seek thy nest now
Oh shine the berry on the bright tree
The bird is home from the mountain and valley

Oh hush thee my birdie my pretty dearie
Oh hush thee my birdie my pretty dearie"

She finished, her eyes in a daze as if she were somewhere else completely. Loki just stared at her. "That is beautiful," he said quietly.

Natasha smiled appreciatively. "Thanks," She caught his eye.

She has trusted you with a token of her past. How can you expect her to trust you if you do not trust her? Loki sighed. That little voice was right.

"You asked what it is that bothers me," he explained slowly. "I have nightmares," he said "of certain darker aspects of my past." No need to be specific on the details... "They keep me awake at night."

Natasha listened intently. "I know," he turned his head curiously. "I have those too sometimes," she explained. "It's just one of those things about our histories that will never truly leave us. They are a part of us, and they will never, ever go away."

Loki cringed at the familiarity of those words.

Natasha continued. "Trust me, they'll subside eventually."

Suddenly, his anger flared up again inside of him. How would she know? She has not been through what you have been through. She has not seen what you have seen. How could she possibly pretend to know what it is like? What the future will hold? How dare she presume to know such things!

He held his tongue, shaking his head, he turned back to reading. Sensing that the conversation was over, she returned to hers as well.

They continued reading silently for another hour or so. Loki managed to calm himself and restrained the cynical voice into the back of his mind. A new feeling – one of kinship – had replaced the formerly tense air between them. He felt that he understood her a bit better – despite his bad mood, the likenesses between them that the evening had revealed were not lost on him.

When Loki decided he was too tired to read on, he stood from the sofa and placed the book down on the table. Natasha knew by now what the routine was and she stood as well. He reached for her hand and gazed intensely into her eyes. As he raised her hand to his lips he kept eye contact with her, never moving them away from hers as he raised her hand to his lips, just as he had done each night they spent together.

Except, tonight, there was something else to his gesture, something that had to do with the unspoken fellowship that they both sensed had developed between them. Loki kissed the back of her hand, more gingerly than he ever had before. She must have noticed the change as well, and barely repressed a blush.

"Goodnight, Natasha," he managed to say quietly.

"Goodnight, Loki."

He teleported back to his room, leaving Natasha standing there almost dazed. She waited for a moment for the feelings to subside before retreating back to her own room for the night.

….

A/N: Another chapter down. A sincere thank you to all who have favorited, followed, and reviewed so far. Please don't be shy – tell me what you think : ) It actually does help with the writing process. More than you know.