A/N - Ah, it hurts my poor little Shenko heart to torture Kaidan like this, but fear not, it won't last forever.
Critical but stable – the words that had been his shield, his mantra, mocked Kaidan now as he stood looking down at the woman who had become his world. The tiny phrase didn't really cover all the trauma, all the damage he saw. Her face was ravaged, burns and cuts and bandages covering every inch; even he would have had a difficult time recognizing her and, he thought, he knew her better than anyone in the galaxy. Her head, too, was swathed in bandages and he couldn't see a single strand of the fiery red hair that had been one of the first things he'd noticed about her, all those years ago.
She was hooked to every manner of machine he'd ever heard of in his medical training, even some he'd never seen before. He knew, without hearing the quiet report her doctor was giving Chakwas – thank the gods she had accompanied him, explaining that it would be easier for her to hear and translate the medical jargon, then report to the crew (Shepard's family) who would want as much information as they could get – that both her arms and legs were damaged, he could see the casts covering them. It appeared her left hand was further injured, it was completely swathed in gauze and casting. Not her dominant hand then, he thought as he took her (mostly unbandaged) limp and icy right hand in his and sank to the chair beside her bed. He didn't even for a moment question himself for thinking she'd pleased by that, that at least she'd be able to hold a gun, maybe not her rifle or shotgun but at least a pistol. The thought that she may never fight again, or even shoot, or the simple truth that there may not be anything left to fight weren't relevant to him at the moment.
Critical but stable. Kaidan drew the comfort of the words around him once again, and, blocking out the sound of the quiet conversation still ongoing between the two doctors, he let his head fall over their joined hands and didn't even notice the warm tears coating them.
He was still in that position some time later when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and looked up into Karin Chakwas' gentle and caring face. "Major – Kaidan," she said, her normally crisp British tones lowered and tempered with compassion, "I know you want to be her with as much as possible, but I'd like to brief the entire crew in the waiting room now. They'll want to know, and perhaps you should hear it too? I'm sure you weren't paying attention to my conversation with Dr. Hunter."
He wanted to deny her request, to stay with Shepard now that he was finally here, but he heard the plea underlying her words. She wanted to crew to see him, too, to be able to comfort him, to be comforted by him when he could reassure them after what was likely to be a hard-to-hear medical report that yes, she was still alive, still breathing (albeit not on her own). He nodded briefly, stood up, still holding Shepard's right hand, he leaned down and placed a light kiss on it, then gently, slowly, placed it back at her side and turned to follow Chakwas out of the room, intending to return at the first possible moment.
They had gathered in a large room with wall to floor glass on two sides, decorated in the cheery but sterile comfort typical of medical centers that tried, and often fell short, to provide a homey comfortable place for the friends and family of patients to relax, wait, even mourn. Kaidan knew that this particular med center was even more comfortable than most. Tucked in the English countryside far enough out of London to have been ignored by the Reapers during the last horrific assault, it had started life as an upscale convalescent center but had been repurposed to a full scale trauma center to handle the casualties that had escalated every day. He mused that this room, which had mercifully been reserved for only Shepard's crew (family) was likely once a recreation area where patients could mingle with their visitors in relative (albeit fake and sterile) comfort.
As he approached the group, Dr. Chakwas on his right shoulder, he realized with a start that it wasn't just the current Normandy crew gathered, but that some of the people she had collected during her time with Cerberus had joined them too. He recognized Miranda Lawson, back defiantly turned to the tattooed form of Jack who was conferring with the asari justicar Samara. Jacob Taylor, his arm in a sling, lounged against the far wall, huddled close to Dr. Brynn Cole, her slight form beginning to betray her condition. The infiltrator-thief, Kasumi Goto, stood tall and slim behind the main crew, not even cloaked, which was, to his mind, the strongest indication of her distress. And the tough and scarred mercenary Zaeed Massani stood looking out the bank of windows, conferring with Garrus Vakarian. Kaidan realized they were likely once again mourning the lack of security.
They all turned to him with guarded and expectant eyes, and he saw that it wasn't only he that had been holding the hope, shielding himself from the reality, the possibilities, since they had first heard that she was alive.
Dr. Chakwas stepped into the center of the group and everyone quieted, turning and giving her their attention.
"Commander Shepard is, as you have been told, in critical but stable condition," Chakwas began. Kaidan started, hearing his personal mantra spoken in her crisp tones took away some of the security they had provided him, but then, he thought to himself, he could still feel her hand in his, see her broken but alive body before him, and hear the sounds of the machines attesting to fact that alive was his new, even better, mantra.
The doctor continued to report in her typical no-nonsense style. "She has suffered major trauma to nearly every bone in her body, but the most severe damage is a skull fracture which has caused major complications both with intracranial bleeding as well as damage to her implant. As a result, the surgeons made the difficult decision to remove her implant, and although that has, for the time being, reduced the intracranial pressure, they are monitoring her constantly for indications that they may have to operate again. "Chakwas took a deep breath and forged on.
"She is in a medically induced coma, and, although the rescue workers reported that she did regain consciousness twice during their efforts to extricate her, it is unknown at this time if there will be long term neurological damage. Head injuries are tricky, even in this day and age, but the best hope that I can give you now is that she has, somehow, managed to hold on through two days under the wreckage, all the surgeries to stabilize her so far, and above all, this is Shepard. You all know she hasn't met odds she couldn't beat before. Let's hope it's the same now. In the meantime, it's a wait and see game." Chakwas concluded her statement and Kaidan couldn't help but notice that she was visibly shaken and it seemed that her last words were almost more to reassure herself than the rest of them. Most telling, she refused to meet Kaidan's eyes.
Her words died away in the shocked silence of the group gathered and Kaidan noted that they all seemed to have different reactions, from quietly weeping (Liara and Dr. Cole, specifically), to holding each other closely (Garrus and Tali), to downcast depression (Joker), and even, he noted, some anger, judging by the tight lips and white knuckles of James Vega and Miranda Lawson. As for himself, he wasn't sure how to categorize his reaction, or what he needed to do for his crewmates, his family, only that he was sure that he needed to do something. It's what Kat would want; it's what she would expect. He tucked his own feelings and reaction away to dissect later, preferably while holding her hand – alive – he cleared his throat against the lump that had formed there and stepped forward to address the crew.
"She's alive," Kaidan stated, quietly, vehemently, "it's a place to start."