A/N - This is one of my favorite chapters, and frankly, the one that prompted me to actually commit this all to text. The idea of putting Kaidan in this situation - I know I'm mean to him now, and trust me, I feel appropriately guilty for it - and to have him react with such brutal honesty despite his overwhelming love for Shepard was something I couldn't wait to share. I hope you agree with me that his reactions here are totally in character for him, lovely man that he is :-) don't agree? drop me a line and let me know, I'd be interesting to hear your take
He was in his "office" later that afternoon when he received a call from Miranda Lawson. He hadn't expected her to report in so quickly – he had assigned her to coordinate the large science team Shepard had assembled for the Crucible project and categorize them based on specialty and usefulness to the reconstruction efforts, then report to him with recommendations on their placement. He was aware, from what he had read, the little Shepard had told him, and his own observation, that Lawson was above average in just about everything – intelligence, competence, looks (not that it mattered to him, but he was male, of course he noticed) – which had been part of the reason that he had assigned that particular project to her. But he was also fairly sure that not even someone as above average as Miranda Lawson could have accomplished the task in the few scant hours since it was started. He also knew her to be a perfectionist, the other reason that he had trusted the project to her, so he was fairly sure when he saw her name on the contact id that her project wasn't completed. Curious, he opened the link and answered "Ms. Lawson?" with a question in his voice.
Her crisp accented tones flowed through the other end of the link and the display showed she was still dressed in her ridiculous and impractical catsuit. Kaidan took a moment to wonder if Cerberus had designed her "armor" for protection or with the intent of distracting enemies before he realized he'd then be traveling down the very disturbing path of contemplating whether Reaper forces would be sexually attracted to even this finest specimen of human female form, and shook himself back to the present.
"Major Alenko," she was saying, "thanks for taking my call." Kaidan nodded, silently encouraging her to continue. "I was hoping you'd have some time to meet with me in person, there's something I believe we should discuss."
Curiosity thoroughly piqued now, Kaidan raised a brow. "Something wrong with the project?" he asked, betting to himself that it wasn't regarding that at all. He promised himself the beer he had bet when he saw her shake her head and she replied, "No, this is personal." After directing her to his newly acquired office space and hoping the docs didn't give him grief for holding office hours there, he sat back to wait her arrival, wondering why she would be seeking him out.
She rapped sharply on the doorframe ten minutes later and raised her brows as she took in her surroundings. She saw that the small, cramped space with industrial shelves (empty of the linen they were clearly designed to hold) lining two walls now held a desk, a small terminal, several holo display screens, many datapads, and one clearly battered chair that had seen better days.
The major stood now, holding out his hand to shake hers, and then offering the sole chair to her as he leaned against the desk, patiently waiting for her to begin.
Miranda seated herself, took an extra minute to settle and calm her nerves, and generally work up the courage to breach the topic she had come to discuss. She realized that man leaning beside her was suffering, she saw the stress and fatigue in his face, in his eyes, but she also saw the strength. The years had changed Kaidan Alenko, she thought, and for the better. She had been present for that confrontation between him and Shepard on Horizon two years ago. She wondered if he remembered that. The man before her now bore little resemblance to the one she had seen that day, and she approved. She told herself once again that she had made the right choice, coming here, and gathered herself to begin.
Kaidan saw the thoughts move over her face and realized she was clearly struggling with some internal dilemma. He waited in quiet anticipation as she seemed to come to a decision, then she looked up at him with quiet determination and what looked like hope shining from her blue eyes. She opened her mouth to speak and destroyed Kaidan's day in just one sentence.
"Major, I can rebuild her." She stated calmly.
Kaidan literally took a second to ponder if the blow he felt to his gut after hearing that declaration was real or just figurative. Once he decided that he could, indeed, breathe, he inhaled sharply, took ragged control of his temper and repeated his mantra alive alive alive alive alive until he felt he could keep it that way. A part of him realized he would always owe a debt to this woman for giving Shepard back to him after she had died three years ago, but a larger part, the part that was currently fighting for dominance now, remembered the times he had doubted Shepard, fought with Shepard, held Shepard when she doubted herself, and raged at Miranda Lawson. It was one of the strangest emotional conflicts he'd ever endured.
He took yet another deep breath, and another when he realized his biotics had unconsciously flared during his little mental tug of war, and looked at the woman sitting calmly waiting for his reply to her declaration. He said the first thing that he could think of, the best thing, a simple, succinct "No."
Miranda looked at Kaidan sharply, wondering if she had actually heard what he had said. She had been surprised to see his initial reaction, he had paled, then his biotics had flared and he had clearly spent a moment trying to control himself. She had assumed it was due to his strong feelings about Shepard and having to reconcile himself with the idea that she would, indeed, likely need to be "rebuilt". She supposed using that terminology and stating it so bluntly was not one of her more eloquent moments, but she mentally shrugged, realizing it was too late to change things now. But if she was hearing correctly, either he hadn't understood her, or he doubted what she had said. She decided to try again.
"Major – Kaidan," she corrected herself, realizing she needed to apply to the man not the soldier, "many of the original Lazarus project files were destroyed in the attack which awakened Shepard, but I've spent a great deal of time reconstru-"
"No." he interrupted her, this time more forcefully and with a shake of his head.
She stopped midsentence and stared at him. She had no idea how to react.
Kaidan saw her gape at him and sighed wearily. When he looked at her now, without the filter of temper, he saw the love and respect she had for Shepard, the desperation to want to do anything, to fix things. He realized for someone like Miranda Lawson, not being able to control a situation was be the worst possible outcome.
"Miranda," he said softly, speaking to the woman, the person that Shepard had found beneath all the cool perfection, as she had appealed to the man, "just because you can do something, doesn't mean that you should."
She looked up sharply at him, and then his words seemed to penetrate, and tears filled her eyes.
"How can you say that? You love her," she threw it at him as almost an accusation. "I was on Horizon, I saw you two."
Kaidan inhaled sharply as the reminder of what was clearly one of his least fine days was thrown in his face. If he lived as long as an asari, he was sure he would still be kicking himself for how he had acted, what he said on that fateful day. If it wasn't for the fact that he knew with certainty that Shepard had long since forgiven him for it, and acknowledged that she too, had said things she regretted, he would never be able to allow Miranda's blow to glance off his heart with only minor bruising.
"It's because I love her," he told the woman sitting before him, tears running unchecked down her face. "I respect that you, and Cerberus, had valid reasons for bringing her back the first time. Part of me even thanks you for it. If the threat of the Reapers still existed, I might even allow you to convince me that playing god with her again is necessary." Kaidan took a moment to swallow the bile that rose at that thought. "But, Miranda, she's done. She's finished. She won." Alive alive alive alive alive "Doesn't she deserve to rest now, if that's what fate has in store for her? If we love her, shouldn't we honor her and let her go?" His voice broke on the last sentence; he looked down and tried to collect himself to continue, to find the words that would make her understand.
"I'm not sure she would thank me for revealing this to you," he continued once he felt he could do so without breaking, "and if I didn't know the love and respect she feels for you were returned, I'm not sure I would bother. Are you aware of how she felt after being resurrected?" He realized he needed to clarify when Miranda looked like she would recite the medical facts of the procedure to him. "Not on a clinical level, but emotionally, psychologically? Shepard is not a spiritual woman, but the one thing that she has always had, that has shaped her into the woman she is, the soldier she is, the leader she is, is an intrinsic belief in herself. I've seen her in situations that would shake the faith of even the most confident person," Virmire, he thought, being primary among them, "and come out just as strong, confident, assured. The only time I've ever seen her doubt herself was when she talked about her resurrection." Kaidan reflected painfully on the times he had held her as she cried, realizing that parts of her were different, changed irrevocably by the woman in front of him, done without malice, but just as wounding in the end.
"It's not that she was ungrateful – a part of her will always be happy with the result, I think, but what you did, and I realize now, in retrospect that there was no other choice, changed her, and not necessarily for the better." Kaidan sighed, regretting phrasing it that way, but still unable, unwilling to sugar coat the truth he was presenting. "I know, without a doubt, that if she was asked if she wanted to endure that again, she'd say no." At this point, he stood up to pace, roaming the small space with shortened strides, hoping to burn off the stress he was feeling.
"So yeah, I love her, and no, I don't even want to contemplate a world without her in it, and so if it were only myself to consider, I'd gratefully accept your offer. But that would be the most selfish decision I'd ever make. So, no." He came to a stop before her and looked down to see quiet acceptance on her face.
"I'm sorry," she said simply, placing a hand on his arm.
He covered her hand with his own, looked her in the eyes and said the only thing he could. "Thank you."