A/N - This chapter, my dear readers, is another that is near and dear to my heart. Seeing Shepard so broken after Thessia never fails to tug at me, and my Shenko brain refuses to think that Kaidan wouldn't have been there to console her. Voila! This chapter was born.
And I have now reached the end of the content I have currently written. I do plan to continue this story and update as frequently as possible. This tale is burned into my brain and writing it has been a tremendous joy so far. I hope that if you're reading this note now, you have been entertained by the story so far and would like to see more. I can only ask, at this point, for you to take a moment to drop me a line and let me know you'd like more. I'm not needy, per se, but, oh, what the hell, I'm needy! I'd love to hear what you think! See you again soon...
Autonomic response was the term the doctors used. Unlikely that it was more than anything but reflex, in other words, they stated. Not an indication of improvement, they cautioned. Kaidan didn't care. He knew. He believed.
She still hadn't repeated the gesture a few hours later when he found himself sitting with Liara for her "rotation". He reflected that Liara had been quiet, remote since they had arrived at the hospital. Although she had never been gregarious her current reserve was odd for her. After ten minutes of silence, he looked at her questioningly. "What's wrong, Liara?" he asked.
Liara met his eyes, her blue ones startled and if he didn't know better, he'd swear she was embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Kaidan," she stated softly, gently. "It's hard to see her like this, and you, as well. I'm not sure what to say."
Kaidan started, realizing that her reserve was in deference to his pain and thought, not for the first time, that Shepard was truly a genius to be able to read these people as well as she did. He sighed and extended the hand that didn't hold Kat's and grabbed Liara's and squeezed gently. "You all love her too," he said, "I know that. You can say whatever you feel."
Liara smiled gently, and looked more like the woman he had come to know well over the last few years. "Thank you for that, Kaidan," she replied, "but I don't think you realize that we all love you too. The last thing we want to do right now is cause you more pain." She cast her eyes down at the woman lying on the bed, still and quiet, still bruised and pale, although, she noted, not as bad as when she had first seen her. She took a deep breath and came to an internal decision.
"Do you know the moment I realized how much she loves you?" she questioned him softly, looking for signs that her gentle inquiry was doing more harm than good. Kaidan shook his head in the negative and looked eager for her to continue. "It was after you were injured on Mars." Kaidan looked surprised at that response and she quickly went on to reassure him, "oh, don't get me wrong, I knew long before that, perhaps even before she so gently turned aside my affections in an incredibly foolish and awkward conversation on the original Normandy. But the depth of those feelings - that I didn't see until that day. That was the first time in all the years I have known her that I have ever seen Shepard helpless, speechless, directionless."
Kaidan looked up sharply, hearing what she was saying, but not quite understanding her point. "What do you mean?" he asked.
Liara smiled gently, and squeezed his hand. "What's the one thing you think of when you think of her? For me, its direction, purpose. No matter the odds, the obstacles, she has a plan, she takes action, she wraps herself in the belief that if she keeps moving forward and working at it, she can overcome it, and somehow, someway, she drags the rest of us with her."
Kaidan nodded, it was a very apt summary of the Commander Shepard that everyone knew. Very few people - he was one of the lucky few - ever got to see the Katriona Shepard beneath that mask.
"That day, after you were hurt, she sat in the medbay, and she looked, I don't know… lost. Small, helpless, like she didn't know what to do, she had no plan. It was like she had lost her anchor and was drifting." Liara smiled gently, remembering, "it was that moment that I realized the depth of the feelings she has for you. Only the threat of your loss could set her adrift like that."
Kaidan looked down at the woman lying on the bed, the woman that he would do anything for, die for if needed, and considered for a moment. The gift that Liara had just given him was one he felt deserved reciprocation but he had spent so long protecting the image of Commander Shepard, he wasn't sure the woman underneath would forgive him for revealing her. He came to the decision that if she disagreed with his choice, she could damn well wake up and yell at him for it and he'd take his lumps, with a smile on his face. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth to relate a moment he'd shared, not with Commander Shepard, but with his Kat…
They'd left the Reaper controlled skies of Thessia behind and traveled through the relay into safer territory over an hour ago. He found her sitting outside the com room, the incessant beeping signaling that she had a call waiting on the QEC behind her. The Asari councilor, Tevos, calling to ask about their mission he guessed. Shepard didn't move, didn't give any indication that she heard it. She was slumped against the wall, head down and looked as defeated as he'd ever seen her.
"Shep-" he started to say her name then realized he was using the wrong form of the address and started again. "Kat," he corrected himself, sliding down to the floor beside her, not touching her, but close enough that he knew she would feel his warmth beside her. "You did everything you could, you know that, right?"
She looked at him with hollow eyes, the grief had settled deep and he saw the stress in every line of her body. "Did I?" she asked him in a small voice, telegraphing fatigue and defeat with her tone, the set of her shoulders, and the self-doubt that was as rare as the failed result of their mission. "I took down a Reaper on Rannoch, didn't I? I cured the fucking genophage, didn't I? I solved a three hundred year old conflict, for fuck's sake, didn't I? So why did one man keep me from the last piece of the puzzle we needed to finally end this? How could I let that happen?" She let her breath out with a hitch and he realized with a start that she was close to tears for one of the few times he'd ever known her. "How could I let Liara down like that? What can I say to her?"
Knowing her as well as he did, Kaidan knew that her last questions were the heart of the matter. Although the fall of Thessia was hard to stomach and would have hit her no matter what, it was the inconceivable thought that she had disappointed one of her crew, one of her dear friends, hell, her family, that was at the heart of the depression that weighed heavy on her in this rare moment of doubt that most humans experienced on a regular basis. He added another reason to the growing list of why he loved her and reached over to gather her against him, allowing her a moment to be fragile, to rely on him for once. He rubbed his hands over her arms, stroked her hair gently, then he pulled back and looked her in her eyes.
"Kat," he told her gently, "you may be Commander Shepard, legend in your own time, and yes, you did all of those things that you listed. But everyone, even Commander Shepard, has a bad day. What makes you different from the rest of us mere mortals is you take those bad days and make the bastards responsible for them pay for ever making you cranky. You may not see it now, but I don't doubt that you'll be feeding Kai Leng his own sword at the next available opportunity, probably with an arrogant snarl on your face. And I will love you as much in that moment as much as I do now in this one. And that, my love, is how you'll avenge Liara, and Thessia. Right now, she needs to believe that day will come. Can you do that for her?"
Kat looked at him, startled, and he realized that may have been one of his more eloquent speeches to her. He was always better in text than in person and between the two of them, they had more than a few examples of blundering miscommunication. He saw the moment his words sank in and witnessed the wonder, not for the first time, of her pulling Commander Shepard around herself like a shield. Before Kat disappeared completely though she leaned over and kissed him softly and whispered "thank you" against his lips. Then she stood up and headed to the com room to answer Tevos' call.
He saw the tears streaming down Liara's face when he finished recounting his story and the smile of reverent love as she glanced down at the woman on the bed between them, and he knew he made the right choice by sharing the glimpse of the Shepard behind the mask.
"She came to me and comforted me after that, did you know?" Liara asked him.
He hadn't, but hearing it didn't surprise him in the least. That's who Shepard is, who Kat is, he thought. She gives until there's nothing left to give, then reaches somewhere inside and finds more. He smiled and replied softly, "Of course she did."
They sat in companionable silence for the remainder of Liara's rotation after that, but no longer was there reserve or restraint between them. Another thing for which they could thank the woman they both loved.