A/N – I decided that Joker needed more love, and that there were things I needed to say to him so I blatantly hijacked Shepard to do it. *grin* maybe I can finally stop feeling guilty.

I am a huge Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan and this chapter is inspired by a quote from that show. Those who know the show will understand the correlation better, but I think the quote stands on its own regardless:

"To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's, it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it." - Giles (I don't own this quote any more than I own the Mass Effect world and characters I so blatantly abuse in this fiction, and I thank Joss Whedon for it just as I thank Bioware for ME)

I have also, you will note, broken my own rules a bit in this chapter by reiterating a part of the game as it was presented. I couldn't see another way to show the process Kat is enduring without it, but it won't be a common occurrence.

This is the last of my content for tonight, although I have the next few chapters planned and I'll post them as soon as I'm able. Warning, there is angst ahead for Shenko, but nothing they can't weather!

jena – I love you, my dear, and I hope I don't ruin your night by stopping for now, but sleep calls!

Joker figured he was taking his life into his own hands, waking her up. He'd known Shepard for a long time now, and he had seen her on enough mornings, to know that her mood usually varied between cranky (on the good days) to downright bitchy (the really bad days.) He wasn't sure which kind of day this one would be, but since it wouldn't take more than a casual swipe of her arm, especially the one still encased in a cast, to break him in two, it was risky. Still, he knew that they needed to talk. His conversation with Kaidan the week before had helped, but he knew the only person that could truly give him peace was currently sleeping in the bed next to where he stood. He noticed, before he reached out to touch her shoulder to shake her gently, that she didn't seem to be sleeping peacefully and winced, hoping that wasn't a bad sign.

Shepard was dreaming. She had always had vivid dreams, even as a child, but in the past four years her dreams had gone from vivid to high definition Technicolor and although on the few times her dreams had starred Kaidan, she had reveled in the realism, most of the time it just plain sucked. It seemed like since her brain had been scrambled and filled with visions from the Prothean beacon, dream was synonymous with nightmare. This was one of the worst.

She saw the gruesome bodies piled in the corners, smelled them too. She felt the pain of her injuries, taking her breath away, making it hard for her to move. She heard Anderson's voice over the com and wondered now, as she had in that moment, how it was still working when it appeared that all her other tech had failed. She knew the shield gen in her hardsuit was gone, hell, most of the hardsuit was gone, and the medigel delivery system had failed when she tried it. She stumbled, then righted herself, moving toward the exit at the end of the passage, updating Anderson on her slow painful progress.

The dream shifted, she saw the Illusive Man now, sneering at her in the flesh, finally, and she saw the pistol in her hand. She watched in paralyzed horror as she brought her arm up and shot Anderson, helpless to resist the compulsion the asshole had pressed on her. She watched in satisfaction as the words she and Anderson flung at TIM finally penetrated and he brought the pistol to his own temple and pulled the trigger.

She cried slow tears reliving Anderson's death.

Then she saw the child, again, speaking in echoes, words she couldn't quite hear in the dream, she wanted to ask him to repeat himself, to make her understand, but she was shaking and…

She came awake with a gasp, startled to see Joker's face leaning over hers, calling her name. She took a deep shaky breath and tried to let go of the vestiges of the nightmare. Her consciousness shied away from allowing the thought that it had been a memory not a nightmare to surface. She cleared her throat and tried a smile, realizing it was likely to be an incredibly weak attempt. "Hey, Joker," she greeted her pilot and friend.

"You ok, Commander?" Joker said, alarmed to see her so pale and trembling. She looked weak and shaky, and he had second and third guesses about the wisdom of visiting her today. He watched her gather herself, take a deep breath and the smile she offered him now looked much more like the Shepard he knew. He sat gingerly in the chair behind him, remembering its discomfort from his previous visit.

Trust Joker to still call her 'Commander' she thought with affection. She doubted he'd change his form of address if she made it to the rank of Admiral – perish the thought - and she loved him for it. Joker had been one of the few constants in her life over the past four years and as much as she had thought him a pain in the ass at times, she also knew he was one of the best friends she had in the world. Loyalty, she thought, was an attribute that many aspired to, but few achieved on the level this man had. She'd be grateful for the rest of her days that she was lucky enough to inspire it in him.

"I'm good, Joker, thanks," she replied to his inquiry, shaking off the remnants of her dream. "How are you? Haven't seen you here much."

Joker nodded, "Been busy," he replied, "there's tons of use for a good pilot these days so I've spent the last month pretty much in the cockpit."

She nodded. That made sense.

"Plus," Joker continued, and he seemed to hesitate a bit, which wasn't like him, Shepard thought, "I've been putting this off."

She was surprised. Joker had never been one to back down, even when he should, nor did he seem the type to be put off by what she was sure had been the gruesome sight of her laying in a coma. "Ok. Why?" she questioned him, confused.

"Well, at first I was so angry," he mused, "then I felt guilty for being angry, even after Kaidan helped me see I was being an ass, and then I guess I was just – putting it off."

There were so many parts of that explanation that she didn't follow that she wasn't sure where to start so she grabbed on to the one thing that stood out most prominently to her. "Kaidan helped you see you were being an ass?" She repeated, as a question this time.

"Yeah, we had a – well, I guess you'd call it a confrontation – when I came in here, all angry about you killing EDI…" he trailed off, alarmed, to see her pale again, she went sheet white, and looked shocked and shaky again. He wondered if he should call for a doctor or Kaidan then he saw her color return, this time in red flags of anger. Oh boy, this wasn't going well…

"I killed EDI?" she hissed out in shock and disbelief, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Joker realized that perhaps he should have made sure she knew the aftereffects of the energy wave that had destroyed the Reapers before he came in here to talk to her about it. Too late now, he shrugged and hastened to inform her, "It wasn't on purpose – at least I don't think – was it? Anyway, when you fired the Crucible, it emitted this strange red energy wave. It was massive, traveled galaxy-wide from what I hear, so sick job there, but afterwards, EDI just – stopped. And then when we got back to the Fleet, they told us that the same thing happened to the Geth, and other AIs. So we knew it had something to do with the Crucible." He finished his explanation with a flourish of his hands and realized she wasn't looking well again.

Shepard was not digesting the news well. She knew the last moments on the Citadel were still locked in her memory and she hadn't managed to access them yet. She was having a hard time reconciling herself to the fact that she may have consciously made a decision that wiped out an entire race of people that she had declared sentient just a few months prior, and a person – because yes, that was how she'd seen EDI – that she had considered a good friend. She wondered if the wave of guilt that washed over her now would ever recede or if it would remain there, haunting and lurking, like her decision to leave Ash behind on Virmire still did. She figured this would be worse.

"God, Joker," she croaked out, "I didn't know. I'm so sorry. My memories, I'm not sure…" she trailed off, at a complete loss of what to say to this man – her friend.

"Shit, Shepard," Joker sat forward, "I thought you remembered or that they would have told you. I didn't realize. Look, I'm sorry, I made a mistake coming here." He started to get up to leave.

"No, wait," Kat said, motioning with her good arm for him to sit again. She waited until he complied then she continued, "I don't know what to say. I just know that I wouldn't have done it if there had been any other choice. When you came in, I was dreaming, remembering, I think, but I woke up before the end… I can't ever seem to finish it. But, Jeff, I loved her too. I'm so sorry."

Joker realized that he had forgiven her some time ago, moments after Kaidan had opened his eyes to the fact that his anger at her had been not only selfish but entirely misplaced. But he, thought, she needed to say it, and she needed to have him give her absolution. "I forgive you," he replied softly, reaching out to touch her shoulder again.

She smiled at him, there was still pain there, he could see, but, he hoped, they'd be ok after this. It was enough for now.