A/N – if you don't hate me and you're still reading, a quick clarification for this chapter. I realize only the vanilla game tells you that Shepard will die or likely die with the destroy ending, but I decided to keep it that way, for the sake of drama. More to come, I promise with less unhappy Shenko~
Garrus watched the man walking down the hall and figured the term 'walking wounded' couldn't have a more apt illustration than Kaidan Alenko in that moment. He hadn't heard the entire argument, he had arrived just shortly before Kaidan walked out, but he had heard enough to know that there was trouble in paradise. He figured 'fix this' fell solidly in the top ten of his duties as Shepard's best friend, and so he squared his shoulders and walked in her room preparing to do his duty.
He seriously reconsidered his plans – just for a panicked heartbeat – a moment later when he saw his best friend, Savior of the Galaxy, fearless combatant, hero to everyone she knew, crying quietly in her hospital bed. She looked, to his eyes, more like a child than a soldier, and she seemed broken. If he didn't like and respect Kaidan as much as he did, didn't consider himself 'Team Alenko' as far back as the original Normandy, he'd happily grab his Widow and put a bullet between the man's eyes for leaving her like this. Instead, he mustered as much courage as he could find and walked to Shepard's bedside and sat. Thank the Spirits turian females didn't cry. Although, quarian ones did so he was seriously screwed no matter what, he reflected.
He knew she was aware of his presence, but she kept her head turned, staring out the window. He also knew she wasn't seeing anything of the view, rather, her thoughts were turned inward, likely replaying the fight with Kaidan. He waited a moment to give her a chance to gather herself, then he broke the silence.
"Hey, Shepard," he opened, pitching his voice low, "do you want to tell me what that was about?"
She sighed and turned her tear-streaked face to him and he inhaled sharply when he saw the pain in her eyes. It wasn't too late for Plan Widow…
"That was me lashing out at the person who loves me best. I'm an ass, Garrus," she spoke quietly, bitterness and self-deprecation colored her voice.
He wondered where he would find the courage to tell her that even Commander Shepard was an ass some days, but then he figured insult to injury wasn't the best idea here.
"Wanna talk about it?" he asked her with a cringe. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the romantic woes of his best friend, but, he supposed, it came with the territory.
"I found out earlier today about the geth," she began, her voice breaking, "and EDI…" She trailed off and turned her head away again.
Garrus nodded to himself. A part of him had suspected that had been the cause of their argument. He, personally, had supported Kaidan's decision to keep the truth from her as long as possible. He wondered how she'd feel if he told her that. He never lacked for courage, in fact, sometimes he had more courage than brains, he thought, but he plunged ahead anyway.
"Yeah, we figured that might be too much for you to handle right away."
She whipped her face back to him and stared him down, green eyes pinned on him, "You, too? Why? How could you keep this from me?"
He took a moment to be glad he would live through this encounter – he was almost sure – since he was certain that no one else who had stared down that look had lived to describe it. Spirits, the woman was truly intimidating, even from her hospital bed.
"We were trying to do what was best for you, Shepard," he was fairly sure Kaidan had tried to make that point too, and had obviously failed. He wondered if she knew how many people held her in love and gratitude and realized it was unlikely.
Shepard sighed, resigned, "So I've been told." She visibly relaxed and continued, in a softer tone, "I guess I'm used to being the one protecting, not needing to be protected."
Garrus nodded. It made sense that she would have no experience with the flip side of that coin. For four years, she had placed her ass on the line for family, friends, galaxy, even her enemies at times, and he doubted a single one had thought of the cost to her. Present company and Kaidan excluded of course.
"We weren't trying to hurt you, Shepard, and we would have told you soon. We just didn't think you were ready." Garrus informed her.
"Yeah, I get that," she admitted quietly. "I'm not sure I was ready for it now, based on my reaction." She gave a self-deprecating laugh. She was quiet and still for a moment, thinking, then she continued. "Do you remember telling me about the ruthless calculus of war?"
Garrus remembered the conversation well, it had been a brutal and painful one. "Yeah," he replied.
"What do you do if the math doesn't add up for you?" she asked him quietly. "How do you deal with that?"
His first inclination was to deflect her with humor, but when he studied her face, he realized there was something she was holding back, something she needed to get out. Humor wouldn't give her the courage to face it.
"I dunno, Shepard," he told her quietly, "in the end, you do the only thing you can. You survive, you move on."
She took a deep breath and told him what she had remembered during her conversation with Joker, what had plagued her through her fight with Kaidan, the memory that her mind had locked away, protecting herself just as much as the people she had lashed out for doing much the same. "I had other choices. I deliberately made the one that killed EDI."
His first reaction was shock, since what she said contradicted everything he knew about Shepard, then he realized that she had given him no context. "What were the other choices?" he inquired.
"Well, I could complete the Illusive Man's master plan and control the Reapers as some type of god-like consciousness or I could meld all organics and synthetics into one new super race. I couldn't see how either option would work, even if I believed they were true. I took the third option, destroying the Reapers, knowing that it would kill all synthetic life, and…" her voice broke here, but she took a breath and continued, "…me. I was supposed to die, Garrus. Why am I still here?"
For a moment, he cursed the Spirits for having placed her, once again, in a position no person should ever be. Asking her to play god with the destiny of all life at her hands was too big an ask, even for Commander Shepard. That she had made the wrong decision never occurred to him. He knew he wasn't a great thinker, but even to his simple understanding, destruction was the only real choice. It was the end that she had spent four years taking every breath, every heartbeat, every fight to achieve. To turn back from that, for some grandiose alternate plan that may not even be real - as she had mentioned - at the last moment would be the last thing Shepard would do. Still, if there was anything he had learned, painfully, over the years, there were consequences to every decision, even the right ones. And those consequences were resting heavily on her shoulders now.
"I don't know, Shepard," he told her, "but I know a hell of a lot of people that are glad that you are. Don't you think it's time to add your name to that list?" She looked up, surprised. "We don't need a martyr. We need our friend, our leader, our hero." He told her softly.
He could see her processing his words, saw when she accepted them. She laid back, closed her eyes, and sighed. "I guess I should talk to Kaidan," she said quietly.
"I'd say that's the best choice you've made today," he agreed. He got up and walked out, leaving her to rest in peace. Duty fulfilled. Now where was that bar…