A/N - finally we're back to the Shenko. I told you I'd fix it! I'm not married to the title of this chapter, I had planned it as simply the counterpoint to "Conflict" but now, don't think it fits. But, I wasn't going to torture any of you, making you wait, while I tried to think of a better one. If you have any suggestions, drop me a line~
She seemed to be sleeping when he reached her room a moment later; her eyes were closed and she was breathing deeply. She opened as soon as she heard his quiet footfalls on the tile floor and watched him as he made his way to the recliner by her bed and seated himself. Only after the short journey was complete did she acknowledge his presence with a quiet, "Kaidan."
He judged, by the soft whisper that she had used, that he wasn't in danger of bodily harm anymore and counted it a victory, albeit small. He searched her face for clues for the span of a breath before he answered her, in equally soft tones, "Kat."
She smirked, for just an instant, before she cockily observed, "Now that introductions are out of the way, maybe we should talk?"
He chuckled a bit, appreciating her ability to deflect with humor, grateful that she was making an effort and answered, "Yeah, I think we should."
It was typical of them, and their relationship, that they both then fell silent, staring at each, neither sure where to begin. Then, nearly simultaneously, they both said, "I'm sorry."
They both laughed, amused at their characteristic synchronicity, both feeling the relief of both saying and hearing the apologies. Then, when he went to speak again, she grabbed his hand and curtailed him with a, "no, wait, let me go first." He nodded, and squeezed her hand, indicating she should continue.
She watched his face closely as she tried to put into words everything that had flown during her head since she had awakened to see Joker staring down at her that morning. The dream memories had coalesced more and more during their talk and the horror of the situation had overwhelmed her. She hadn't wanted to face it, and taken the cowardly way – she was ashamed to admit it, but she wouldn't lie to herself about it – and lashed out at Kaidan. She regretted every word she had flung at him in anger, but she found herself struggling now to find the ones to correct her mistake. Instead, she sighed and said the one thing she thought he needed to hear most right now, "I love you."
Kaidan smiled and immediately returned her words, "I love you, too." But he saw she was still trying to pick her words, so he settled back into patient silence.
"Earlier today," she told him, "some of my memories – ok all of my memories – about the Citadel and the Crucible came back. And, Kaidan," her voice broke, she had to clear her throat to continue, "I chose. There was this AI, it's complicated and not important right now, but it gave me the choice. I picked the option that destroyed EDI and the Geth."
Kaidan sucked in his breath in surprise and wondered what evil power that be had thought that the fate of the galaxy should be determined like making a decision in one of those choose-your-own-ending stories from his childhood and cursed them for placing the weight of that choice on the shoulders of this woman. Had they known that she, more than any other person in that situation, would suffer no matter what choice she had made? Did they care? Still, as much as he railed against the circumstances, bitter recriminations wouldn't help the woman clutching his hand desperately.
"What were the other choices?" he decided that taking her through this logically was going to be the best option here, and he had to admit, he was curious.
She wouldn't have expected anything else from him, she thought. So Kaidan – something he didn't understand, couldn't conquer, he'd think it out, calm and collected, trying to reason his way through things that sometimes didn't make sense. Still, she would tell him, it was important that he know all the facts at hand and she would watch closely for any criticism, any flaw, of her reasoning.
"The first option was to control the Reapers. It told me I would fuse my consciousness to them, I would be dead but exist as some type of omniscient being, able to make sure that they couldn't cause further harm," she gave him the summary as she understood it, didn't color the facts with her interpretation at the time that it was either a pretty fantasy or an outright lie (although her thoughts at the time were much more on the level of 'bullshit').
However, she saw immediately that he had come to the same conclusion and that was confirmed when he drawled out, "Are you sure the AI wasn't the Illusive Man in disguise?"
"No, he was already dead – shot himself in the head – but it did sound too good to be true to me," she answered him, smiling at his joke.
"Ok, so not an option," Kaidan confirmed, "what's next?"
She took a deep breath and forged on, "The other option was something it called synthesis." She couldn't keep the distaste from coloring her voice here as much as she wanted to present a purely factual report, not a persuasion; the bile still rose whenever she thought of making that choice. To have the audacity to change all life in the galaxy permanently, and in a way she couldn't be sure was for the better, well, that wasn't a trait of which she ever wanted to consider herself capable. She tried to present the explanation in the blandest terms she could, "All life – synthetic and organic – would be melded into one race. Every person would be both synthetic and organic. It said it was the final evolution."
Kaidan read between the lines despite the efforts she made to mask it and saw how distasteful she had found that option. Playing god, changing the very DNA of all life in the galaxy? Not something he could ever imagine Shepard considering. Plus, he thought again about what she said and queried, "Didn't you say Reapers were synthetics built with organic building blocks? That they were trying to build a human Reaper on the Collector base?" At her nod, he continued, coming to his point, "So wouldn't the synthesis option mean we'd all become Reapers?"
Shepard stared at him, agape. She was fairly sure that conclusion had been lurking somewhere, beneath the bile and distaste, but it hadn't yet surfaced consciously. Trust Kaidan to make things so clear to her. And he was right. Synthesis would have turned them all into nothing more than Reapers.
She sighed, realizing she needed to finish, and continued, "The final choice – the one I made – would destroy the Reapers, and all synthetic life along with them. I knew when I made that choice that EDI would die, the Geth would be gone. I knew it and I still did it anyway, with a song in my heart."
Kaidan's own heart broke for her then, and he wiped the tears away from her cheeks and kissed it softly. He sat back and sighed, stroking her hand, he told her, "You already know you made the right choice. Thank you."
She looked startled at his quiet words, at his unequivocal support, and he smiled at her. Trust Shepard to blame herself where no one else would.
"Kaidan," she said in a small, uncharacteristically weak voice, "do you remember how I was after Virmire?"
He closed his eyes briefly thinking he would never forget, then he gave her a small nod in reply.
"The thing about my choice on Virmire that has always haunted me is whether I made the right choice for the wrong reasons," she told him softly. "I had every Alliance reg and protocol on my side – you were the clear choice, the only choice as the higher ranking officer and the one in the more strategic position – and I pulled those regs and protocols around me to try to find comfort. But deep inside, I always knew that if your situations had been reversed, I might have made a different choice."
Personally, he doubted that. The Shepard he knew might have hesitated, but she would have, in the end, done her duty. He knew she would have suffered even more for it, but she would have made the right call. He wouldn't have blamed her for an instant.
"Shepard," he told her, "in all the years I've known you one of the things I've come to respect about you the most is that you make the tough calls. I told you that before, and I'll say it again now. Whatever your reasons, you weren't wrong on Virmire, you weren't wrong this time. There's a galaxy out there that has a chance at new life thanks to you and the tough call you made. No matter the cost, no matter the sacrifice, you did the right thing."
He knew she was a long way from acceptance. He just hoped he had been able to make a difference, to set her on that path. They had more to talk about, sure. But they had time. For now, he just sat, quietly holding her hand, until she closed her eyes and slipped into much needed sleep. He watched, prepared to guard her, even from her dreams if necessary.