A/N – We are quickly nearing the end of our journey and each word I write is bittersweet. I have enjoyed this so much…
Anyway, just a quick note to say that I love Kaidan more every scene I write. Bioware is pure genius!
I should have clarified when I originally posted this chapter, fixing my oversight now, the scene where Kaidan gives Shepard her engagement ring is in my stand-alone outtake "Officers" - if you don't prefer to read smut, skip down to the last five paragraphs, after "After they had redressed..." and you're go to go, nothing but Shenko fluff from there~
Huge thanks to StoneburntHeart for helping me name this chapter, and for her awesome feedback and encouragement along the way - you're the best~
Shepard stared down the woman who had perfected the Commander Shepard stare – a little known fact – although it was more appropriately termed the "Admiral Shepard" stare. She figured her chances of winning the staring contest were slim to none, but hope reigned supreme so green eyes met blue, both narrowed and stubbornly refusing to look away. Shepard – the younger – finally sighed and looked away. Dammit. Still, she wasn't giving in, even if she couldn't make her mother go away with a look. "No," she repeated, for what seemed like the tenth time in this discussion.
Marina Alenko decided that perhaps cooler heads – or at least ones not named Shepard – might prevail, and stepped between the two other women. In a soft but nonetheless firm voice that had never failed to persuade her son she asked, "But, Shepard, why?" She looked at the woman in question in confusion, "I thought you loved Kaidan, had agreed to marry him. Why the reluctance now?"
Hannah nodded, deciding that perhaps a softer approach may be the more strategic one, and followed Marina's lead, "Yes, Kat, why are you resisting all of our attempts to help you plan the wedding? Marina and I," she inclined her chin at the other woman in a gesture of motherly solidarity, "figured that you would be glad to have help. Especially since we know you're better at planning battles than social events." This elicited a snicker from her daughter, despite the fact that the stubborn look remained firmly in place on Kat's face, "Help us understand why, please, honey? Did something happen?"
Kat looked up, startled, as if the thought had never occurred to her. "No, Mom," she hastened to reassure, "nothing happened. Kaidan and me…. We're good," the last was said with a soft smile as she twisted the ring he had placed on her right hand just days before. She traced over the stones, remembering how happy she had been in that moment.
She wished she could make the women questioning her understand, but she was afraid to voice the thoughts that swirled in her head, churned her stomach. Afraid that if she voiced them aloud, they might prove to be fact rather than truth. She sighed, not for the first time since the mothers – as she privately referred to them – had descended on her, wedding-related datapads in hands. She repeated the only thing she was willing to admit, no matter how ineffective and incomplete, "I'm just not ready. Not now."
Hannah shook her head and threw her hands up in frustration. "Fine," she said, "I can see we're not going to get anywhere with you. Curse the fates that saddled me with a daughter as stubborn as you, Katriona Shepard." She tossed the datapads she had still held on to the bed and stalked out the door.
"You mean a daughter as stubborn as you, Mom," Kat tossed at her mother's retreating back, then turned to the woman who remained, looking at her with patience shining out of eyes that so resembled Kaidan's. Kat had to swallow before she took the other woman's hand in hers and said softly, "Marina, I love your son with all my heart – I always have – but I'm just not ready to plan our wedding. I'm sorry."
Marina nodded, accepting that what Kat was saying was the truth, but not the whole truth. She patted Kat's hand and decided that Hannah's strategic retreat was the appropriate move. "It's ok, Kat," she told Shepard, "we'll wait until you're ready." With that, she too got up and left the room. She hadn't lied -she was willing to wait until Kat was ready. What she hadn't said was that she didn't plan to wait some nebulous undetermined length of time for Kat to get ready. She turned down to walk down the hall to enlist the aid of the one person she knew could get to the bottom of this, determination showing in her stride.
When Kaidan entered Shepard's room a few minutes later, he still wasn't sure what the crisis that had sent his mother to him was. She had been cryptic, muttering something about two stubborn people deserving each other and informed him that he should speak with his fiancée asap and 'fix things.' He responded in the only way a dutiful son could – he'd hugged her and promised that he would. Now, as he stood quietly watching the woman he loved from the door, trying to assess the situation, he saw that Shepard was clearly unhappy. She was sitting on the edge of her bed, face cast down, twisting the engagement ring he had given her and lost in thought. He took a deep breath and entered the room greeting her with a "Hey, Shepard, what's up?"
"Kaidan," she replied with a small smile, returning his kiss of greeting, "I guess the mothers sent you in as reinforcements." She gave a self deprecating laugh. "I should have seen that coming."
Kaidan took a moment to settle himself in the recliner opposite where she was sitting, then reached for her hand, taking it in his. He could see, now, that clearly there was an issue that required his intervention and braced himself for the process of coaxing it out of his fiancée, who was looking rather – forlorn – he thought. Something had clearly upset her, and he wondered if he was going to have to have a long discussion with his mother. He sincerely hoped not, he loved his mother very much, but if she had caused the downcast attitude Shepard was currently displaying, he would – lovingly – intercede.
"Kat," he began, "why don't you tell me what's wrong?" Maybe a direct question would yield positive results this time. Worth a try at least.
Kat looked at him with utter misery in her eyes, and he worried that some major crisis – another one – had developed in the few short hours that he had been in his office working. Then he was sure his jaw dropped to the floor – literally – when his fierce warrior woman, Savior of the Galaxy, confessed in a small voice, "I can't plan our wedding."
Ok, not what he had expected to hear. His heart clenched a moment until his brain reminded him that she hadn't said 'I can't marry you', and he tried to decipher what she was trying to say without actually saying it. "Ok, I assume that's why our mothers were here?" he questioned her.
"Yeah," she admitted, "they brought datapads and stuff. But Kaidan, I just can't."
This was going nowhere fast, Kaidan thought. And although he was sure he was the last person in the galaxy to consult on such things, he bravely offered, "Do you want me to help?"
Shepard looked at him with frustration plain on her face. "No. I want everyone to stop asking about it!" she nearly shouted at him.
Ok, so it wasn't the wedding or marrying him that was behind this, he now realized. Still, maybe she didn't realize it yet, or – more likely – she wasn't willing to admit it. Despite the anger and frustration she still displayed, he took a chance and drew her onto his lap. She didn't come easily, but she acceded, finally resting her head on his chest and sighing. She was quiet a moment and he saw that her gaze was still fixed on her engagement ring. He waited her out.
"How can I think about marrying you – about planning our wedding – when I'm still like this?" she finally asked, bitterness in her tone and with a frustrated wave of her hand at her own body. "How can I marry you if I can't even walk down the aisle to you?" She was near tears now.
His heart squeezed when the full impact and meaning of her words struck him. She wasn't doubting him, nor even them, but rather, she doubted herself. Doubted that she would ever fully be that woman, as she defined herself, again. He stroked her hair gently in silent comfort and gave her the words of his heart, "Kat, I would still marry you if you had to crawl up the aisle. I would marry you sitting right here with you in my arms. I would marry you in any circumstances I could have you. But if you want to wait until you can walk down that aisle on your own, I'll honor that, and I'll wait with you. But, Kat, never think, for one moment, that I need you to walk to love you more." He placed a gentle kiss on her cheek, continuing, "I know you will do it. And I'll be there, every step of the way, helping. And then I'll be there, smiling proudly, to watch you walk down the aisle and marry me."
She smiled at him, and he saw that the crisis had passed, once again. She kissed him softly and said with a soft laugh, "I guess I've been a bit of a bitch about this. I should apologize to our mothers."
Kaidan smiled and laughed with her, then told her, "They're tough women, they can take it."
"Yeah," she replied, "but I need them on my side so that I don't end up wearing some ugly monstrosity of a wedding dress."
Kaidan saw the wisdom in that and kept the thought that he wouldn't care what she wore – even her N7 armor – as long as she was marrying him - to himself. Some thoughts were better left unsaid, in the interest of his personal safety. He held the woman who was going to become his wife – wife – in his arms, silently thanking the powers that be that she was his.