A/N – One last angsty moment for our happy couple – my inner drama queen couldn't resist – then nothing but smooth sailing ahead I promise!
They walked together in silence, in unspoken accord, until they had entered the temporary housing they had been sharing since returning to Vancouver and closed the door behind them. They turned to each other, each still lost in their own thoughts, and almost simultaneously they both started to speak, "Kaidan…", "Shepard…"
Kaidan smiled a bit at their synchronicity, even now, then nodded at the woman he loved and told her, "You go first." He expected to hear her echo his own feelings – that she was happy, and amazed at how generous the Admiral had been with them. To say that he was shocked at what she really said would be an understatement.
"Kaidan," she began again, near misery in her voice, "I can't do this. How can he even think to suggest it after everything I've done?" She began pacing in nervous agitation, "How could he want to ground me? Didn't everything I accomplished mean anything?"
Ok - not the reaction he was expecting. Nor the one he had hoped to hear. But, he realized, as her words sank into his shocked brain, a totally Shepard way to look at things. Of course she would latch on to the bad, blind herself to the good. She had spent four years being saddled with the worst possible outcomes. Of course she would fail to see the silver lining in this one. He would just have to help her see it.
"Shepard," he said to the woman stalking around the small room in tight circles, "I don't think the Admiral was grounding you," he raised a hand to silence her when she would disagree, "I think he was giving us an acceptable compromise. You heard what he said. If we stay on ships, we'll be separated. Is that how you want to conduct our marriage? Because I know it's not how I want to."
"So you want me to give the Normandy up too?" She flung at him in hurt. "How can you say that? Do you know me at all?"
"Kat," he replied gently, grabbing her arm to still her, taking her face in his hands, "I don't want to take anything from you, and neither does the Admiral. We want to give you a normal life – as much as two soldiers can manage anyway. Is that so bad? That I want to fall asleep with my wife in my arms every night and wake up with her there the next morning? That I want to know that you'll be safe?"
She looked into his whiskey brown eyes and saw the quiet sincerity of his words reflected there. She sighed and tried to find the words to voice the frustration, the doubt that had swirled within her since they had left Admiral Hackett's office. "Kaidan, I'm Commander fucking Shepard, I don't do normal."
Kaidan nodded, realizing he should have expected this reaction. The woman he knew had been forged in fire, had come to define herself with the struggles she faced, had spent so long in fight-or-flight mode that now - when faced with the prospect of peace - she wouldn't know how to deal. He reached inside himself, into the well of patience he had often needed through their relationship – she would never be an easy person to love – and tried again. "Kat, isn't it time you did do normal?"
She felt sorry for hurting him. That had been the last thing she wanted – now or ever. Still, she couldn't easily relinquish the panic that the thought of a future groundside - without the quiet murmur of the Normandy's engines lulling her to sleep, without the adrenaline rush of the next ground mission looming on the horizon, without the undeniable knowledge that she was fighting the fight that humanity needed her to – raised in her heart. She loved this man with all her being, but Jacob Taylor had once told her that the Normandy was her first love. She greatly feared now, as she had then, that Jacob was right. What was she without it?
"Kaidan," she said on a sigh, "I don't know. It's too much. I'm afraid…" Her voice trailed off, unsure how to put the feelings to words, unwilling to make things worse between them. She looked down at the floor, fixing her eyes on a spot of carpet somewhere behind him. She couldn't face the guilt that she knew that she'd feel if she saw hurt in those wonderful whiskey eyes.
Kaidan knew she was avoiding him, trying to protect herself. Because he loved her so much, knew her so well, he gave her a moment of space, allowed her to run away. He knew that he could point out that her new position wouldn't be completely grounded – that, in fact N2 through N6 trials were traditionally held off planet, with N6 involving combat – that she would still need to command the Normandy for those trials was implied. He knew that he could point that out, but the stubborn part inside of her already knew. She was just having a hard time facing a future with no evil looming in it. She was doubting herself again – as she often did – doubting that she could be the same Shepard without the sharp edge of evil to hone herself against. He knew differently. He knew the woman beneath the mask. It was time to reacquaint her with that woman.
He gently tipped her chin up to meet his eyes again. When he spoke, it was with quiet confidence, not impatience or hurt. He did not for one moment show any weakness, any pain, knowing that it would only serve to wound her, not further his cause. He told her quietly, with love and certainty ringing in his voice, "Kat, you don't need the Normandy to be the woman I love. I love the Normandy as much as you – it's been our home for the most part of the last four years – but she's just a tool. A tool we needed once, but not now. The war is over. You won. Our home is us now. Together. Kat, you… you're my hero – you, not the captain of the Normandy – and the woman I love. And yeah, it's going to take adjustment. But we'll figure this out. Together. Haven't we earned that?"
Shepard thought, not for the first time and likely not the last, how lucky she was to have the love of this man. How much she returned that love. He was her true equal, her perfect mate, her counterpart in every way. She may be his hero, but he was hers. And when she saw him looking at her with such adoration, heard the plea that was heartfelt and sincere, she realized she could – once again – not deny him. In the depths of her heart, she knew he was only asking her to have the courage to admit that she wanted the same things too. He was just brave enough to voice it. She would honor his courage with her own. She nodded slightly then reached up to kiss him softly. "Ok, Kaidan, let's do this – let's be normal."
He kissed her again, then took her hand and led her to their bedroom. He figured they could start practicing the benefits of normal now. They had a week's leave after all.