Obviously AU. Warning: This chapter is heavy T/light M for naughty words, so be careful, oh innocent readers.

The Tongue Thing

Wallace Fennel has been in some strange situations—especially since meeting a certain P.I.—but out of all of them, this one definitely takes the cake. He'd laugh, or pinch himself, or get the hell out of there, but above being Veronica's best friend and the good boy he knows he is—he's a guy. And what red-blooded, straight male would give up getting the scoop on the most renowned girl in the history of Neptune High?

"So are the rumors true?" Felix was asking, "She really that mind-blowing?"

"Oh, she blows more than your mind," Logan mused. The o'niner had an empty can of beer in his hand and another laying at his feet, which probably explained the looseness of his tongue, "Lily was a beast in bed."

Wallace flinched, half expecting Weevil to leap at him—hey, he had ears, and putting together everything Veronica half-tells him and the rumors floating around school isn't exactly rocket science—but the PCHer just took a swig of the beer he'd snatched from the nearby cooler and nodded in reluctant agreement. "Chica was completely loca. She was into everything. Bondage, role-playing, whatever. Wanted to see if I'd be up for a threesome once, right before we broke up."

"Yeah, she brought that up with me too, but said something about 'complications,'" Logan shot Duncan accusatory look, "Apparently someone got in the way."

Duncan Kane, who'd remained surprisingly calm throughout the conversation, choked. In between coughing his guts out and glaring at Logan, he managed to catch his breath. "Veronica was my girlfriend."

Wallace nearly had a heart attack, right there. "What?" he asked, trying to keep the x-rated images out of his head, "Veronica? Veronica Mars?"

"You sound surprised, Fennel," Logan smirked, "What, don't think she'd be up for it?" He stretched lazily, "Throw me another beer."

Wallace complied. "Are we talking about the same Veronica Mars? You know, rebel boots and spiked hair? The one with the taser and pitbull?"

"That's right, you're new." Logan took a swig and smirked, "We call her the ice queen to piss her off, but Veronica's a real babe when she wants to be." He rolled his eyes as Duncan made another choking sound, "Stop playing the saint, Kane. It was you're sister that corrupted her."

Oh, I really didn't need to hear that. Wallace felt his stomach turn over as the implications of that phrase swamped his head. He really hoped he'd be able to look his best friend in the eye the next day.

"Really?" Weevil sounded interested, "This I gotta hear."

Logan shrugged. "She walked into our classroom in a pink sweater and golden curls, looking like an angel. Then, during recess, she kicked everyone's ass at soccer and Lilly got interested. And, as always, what Lilly wanted, Lilly got."

Duncan muttered what sounded like a "you've got that right" under his breath, but Logan just smirked at him. "You can shut up, loverboy. First time you laid eyes on Lilly's new best friend, you were just as eager to make her part of our group." He threw up his hand in a mock imitation, "Hey, Veronica, come sit with us! Yeah, we'd love to have you over! Veronica, come to my birthday party so I can finally get my first kiss!"

"Shut up, man!" Duncan flushed, "Besides, it was totally worth it."

"Say what?" Wallace's ears perked up, "I thought you said she was all innocent Barbie."

Logan sighed happily, which Wallace found disturbing. Then, Logan turned and smiled sloppily at Wallace, which disconcerted him more than the sigh had. "Ah, Wally. Poor innocent Wally. Ready to hear one of the most well-kept secrets at Neptune High?" he lowered his voice dramatically, "Veronica Mars is a—wait for it—very good kisser. We're talking monumental here. Talent."

"All naturál," Duncan agreed, "No practice."

"I thought Lilly taught it to her," Logan confided, leaning forward confidingly, "But Lilly always claims credit when she does things. Especially naughty things." He smirked, "Anyway, on with the story of how Lilly corrupted Veronica."

"Wait, I want to hear more about Blondie's smackin' skills," Felix complained, "How come I never heard of this—"

He stopped with a yell as Weevil smacked him over the head. "Shut up, Toombs."

Something in his tone apparently caught Logan's attention, because while Wallace and Duncan were snickering, he turned his eyes on the biker. Weevil stared back defiantly, and Logan's mouth fell open. "No way. What the hell, man. First Lilly, and now Veronica? What's with you making out with all my girlfriends?"

Duncan choked for the third time, and if Wallace hadn't been so enraptured by the scene taking place before him over the best friend he apparently didn't know as well as he thought, he would have been worried. "Wait," the Kane heir sputtered, "When was this?"

"If you're asking if I was the appetizer to one of you entrées, then I'll kick your ass," Weevil said, "She wasn't dating any of you when she planted one on me. 'Sides, it was all business."

"Sure," Logan said, "Of course it was."

Weevil shot him a glare. "We were acting, rich boy. V got herself in a tight spot in some bar and called me in for backup. Some drunk dickhead was all over her and she didn't want to make a scene."

Logan snorted. "When has Veronica ever worried about raising hell?"

"He was some rich guy she needed to pump for information or some shit," Weevil explained, "So she tells him I'm her boyfriend. Drunk bastard tells her to prove it, and next thing I know, she lays one on me."

"Why the hell did she call you?" Logan demanded.

Weevil smirked. "Maybe she thought you weren't man enough to do the job right."

"Or maybe it was a poor-as-shit cholo bar and she knew you'd blend right in."

Weevil growled. "You're going to regret that—" and then Thelma's perfume washed over them.

"Trouble, boys?" she asked, placing hands on plump hips, "Because you know we can't have that here. I'm afraid that if you don't behave yourselves, I'll have to ask you to leave. The boss doesn't like fights." She pursed her lips, "My, my, my, and you're such big, handsome lads too. I would just hate to revoke your memberships."

"We're fine, Ma'am," Wallace supplied, flashing her his best good-boy smile, "Just exercising our vocal chords."

"Well, aren't you the sweet one," Thelma pinched his cheek, "I'll go get you something to eat." She walked away, Wallace grinned, "You can thank me in cash. I don't take credit."

Duncan snorted, "If you remember this place tomorrow, then we'll talk."

"He'll remember," Logan said glumly, "Thelma likes him. You could her melting at his choir-boy pheromones," he turned to Weevil, "So, did you fall in love when she did that tongue thing, amigo?"

"No, but I seem to recall you did."

"And I seem to recall that you're a bit of a liar when it comes to talking about my girlfriends."

"Wait, wait, wait," Felix interjected, "I'm confused. You're back together with Blondie again?"

"He's not," Wallace supplied as Logan shot the PCHer a dirty look, "She's with some older, foreign guy. I can never remember his name, but Veronica's always talking about him with Jackie when we try to hang out. Deputy something-or-other."

"Leo D'Amato."

Wallace's jaw dropped as Weevil, Logan, and Duncan simultaneously flushed and refused to meet his eyes, "Really, guys? In unison? I'm not even going to pretend that's not creepy," he said, "How—"

"He asked to sit in her section at the hut," Duncan said, "Every time. For the last month."

"Got arrested and saw a picture of them on the good deputy's desk," Weevil shrugged, "V proved me innocent a couple hours later. Usually, it takes forever for them to finally admit that I'm not guilty, but D'Amato just let me walk right out. Caught a glimpse of blond at his desk before I left."

"I caught them making out after school," Logan grumbled, "It was like watching a pedo-porn movie. The guy has to be at least thirty."

"Twenty-five," Wallace said, realization dawning, "She asked me to buy a cake a couple weeks ago." His face fell, "I guess I can stop hoping for that surprise party."

Just then, Thelma returned. "Did someone mention cake?" she asked, setting the double-layered chocolate cake down, "You boys need a little fattening up." She winked and walked away, "Enjoy!"

Wallace's mouth watered as the rich, creamy smell met his nose. "If you guys ain't touching it—"

"It might be drugged," Duncan pointed out, "We might wake up tomorrow thinking we spent the night drinking our asses off on the beach or at some party."

"Yeah."

"Probably."

"She did seem pissed that we were yelling."

Wallace hesitated. "So, just to be clear, we're all going to eat this cake, right?"

It was simultaneous. Five boys picked up the forks Thelma had thoughtfully provided and took a bite. They didn't remember much after that.

For those readers who are dying to know, the cake was drugged, but not with the memory-wipe that poor Justin Smith went through—just something to knock them all out so they can get home without making too much of a scene. All these boys will remember The Room and make appearances again. Reviews are welcome!