I wish I could tape myself reading your reviews because I think I would bring joy and hilarity to many people XD
Chapter Sixteen: Absit Reverentia Vero
It turned out that they didn't really get a chance talk the next day. In fact, Jim didn't see his First Officer at all.
He woke up around twelve-hundred hours to discover that Spock had already left the Hospital Bay against medical advice (just to keep things interesting and new because neither of them had ever done that before... right). The trial wasn't set to resume for another two days and the second thing Jim noticed (you know, after a complete absence of Spock in the vicinity) was a PADD that had been left on his bedside with a message from Mr Moss. The message was a voice-recording telling him that he and Spock were getting the day off to rest at the Sickbay, which made Jim forgive him for the outburst from last night, because just how adorable was it that he thought Jim would stay in a bed for twenty-four hours when he didn't even have any broken bones?
A nurse Jim recognized from the Enterprise (he was pretty sure her name was Noel) grudgingly helped him get his IV off and told him that Dr McCoy had already warned the rest of the medical staff about Jim's weird allergies to things such as caution and good sense, so he was technically allowed to leave as long as her quick tricorder scan proved he wasn't about to drop dead after a walk to the cafeteria.
It did, thankfully, and after that a now-finally-free James Kirk spent the morning working on the main deck, having used his influence as Captain and a fairly large amount of bullshit to ask for a peek at the base computers. It worked, much to his surprise, not with the classically attractive redhead manning her station, but with her stern-looking superior officer, who let him fiddle around with their system 'for kicks.' No one bothered him, either, which was a plus because it was difficult enough to hack into the software undetected without having to field any awkward questions.
Much to his frustration, it was incredibly slow work and he didn't find the irregular entry by the time Scotty had asked him to meet in Engineering; however, he resolved to go back the next day and work more. The afternoon, therefore, was spent helping out the mechanical crew by mostly coordinating their efforts and acting as buffer with Scotty again. His smart Chief did it in a way that let Jim look around the failed circuits too, so he conveniently got a chance to look out for any signs of foul play. Not that he found any, but most of the circuits were still a mess and Scotty was helping coordinate a pretty huge rewiring process that was going to take a few days. Chief Hayes from the base was clearly making efforts to look unimpressed with the Scotsman's work and, from Jim's rather amused point of view, altogether failing.
By dinnertime, he commed Uhura and asked, as casually as he could, if she had any idea where his First Officer was, and she replied something about Spock spending the entire day at the labs and not expecting to meet anyone for 'social interaction of any kind.' So, Jim and Scotty and a bunch of Engineers he'd met from the last time replicated sandwiches and, despite the fact that his new nickname really did become Captain Pretty-Boy thanks to the jerk from the first day, he was in higher spirits because of their support.
He and Spock had been given new quarters, obviously, but Jim still went by his old room to check out the investigation that night. There was a single female security guard outside (although he could hear plenty of people inside) but even a bit of flirting only got the faintest of blushes and not a single straight answer, so Jim left soon with a friendly wink over his shoulder.
Before he went to bed he replicated as much of his stuff as he could because, although most of his belongings were still in his room at the Enterprise, clothes were pretty essential for now. It was all boring regulation-blacks, but after the computer identified him he got the command gold shirts he would never, ever tire of wearing.
x
Had he imagined the way those eyes had feasted on the sight of him? Did it even mean anything? Or had it just been another loss of control, another moment of emotional compromise that Spock instantly regretted? Did it mean about as much as the time Spock had nearly killed him?
x
Jim spent the next morning between Main and Engineering again, and also avoiding people. He ducked out of sight of Mara Dalle on his way to lunch because he didn't really feel up to her annoyingly perceptive jibes; he stepped into a crowded turbolift when he'd been walking to Engineering so that Ben Finney and a team of fellow science officers didn't see him; he took pains to disappear whenever he recognized a reporter... and by the end of it all, he was itching for a confrontation, old instincts gnawing at his frayed nerves. Where was Spock? Jim had commed him twice but gotten no response, and he didn't want to ask Uhura again for fear of getting one of her long and very pointed silences (for a communications officer she had the most terrifying way of not saying anything).
Finally, it was time to meet Moss at his office, and Jim was eighty-percent annoyed and maybe fifteen-percent nervous (the remaining five-percent was replaying the entire scene in the shower on an endless loop).
He wished they'd had time to talk before, even if it was just to establish that this was a mistake that wouldn't happen again. As he walked down a crowded corridor and traded polite smiles with people who recognized him, however, Jim found himself acknowledging that if that was what they settled on eventually, it would make things easier in theory, but the same in practice. Or maybe even worse, actually. Because nothing Spock said would erase the way he'd grabbed Jim that day. Jim knew, now. Knew what it felt like, being kissed by Spock, even if it was with more hungry desperation than slow finesse. And if you wanted to get technical about things, they'd done more than kiss; they'd made out and groped each other for a very short, very intense time. What the hell was he supposed to do with that knowledge? He now had a perfectly accurate and real picture of what Spock looked like in wet black underwear. Jesus, was he supposed to just ignore that forever? Would his sex-life ever survive it? Would he ever have a sex life again if he got all conflicted and disinterested whenever he thought of sleeping with someone who wasn't Spo-
Holy shit, what? Oh, so now he didn't want to sleep with anyone else ever? The incident with Mara hadn't been a fluke, it had been a sign?
"Captain Kirk?"
"What?"
Moss rolled his eyes and sighed, and Jim blinked at him.
"Have you heard anything from the past two minutes I've been talking?"
"... No?"
Next to him, the empty chair where Spock wasn't seemed to be mocking Jim, and he was mostly expecting what happened next because it was ten minutes past the time Moss had told them to meet him but it still sucked to hear.
"Kirk, Mr Spock commed me to say he still needs some time to recuperate from his injuries and won't be coming today. So... it'll just be us."
This had crossed over from 'coincidentally not seeing each other' to outright avoidance. That was it, after finishing up here Jim was going to find Spock and force him into a civil conversation if he had to. The trial resumed tomorrow, they needed to sort their shit out tonight.
"Okay. Yeah, I figured he might, I mean he had really bad burns, you should've seen—"
"Kirk." Moss' tone was dead serious. Jim immediately raised his metaphorical shields, having heard that sort of inflection on his last name a million times before. He was about to get the 'feelings' talk. Moss was going to try and get him to 'open up.'
Well, too bad. It took McCoy a long time to succeed and he remained to this day the only person besides Spock and his unerringly honest eyes to have done so.
"Yeah?"
"I don't want to force you to talk to me about yourself, and I'm perfectly aware of the fact that I'm your lawyer, not your psychologist. But this thing with Mr Spock you're obviously not telling me about..."
Jim clenched his jaw and waited.
"... I think that all I want to know for now is, are you going to be okay?"
Huh. Well, he got points for originality, that was for sure. Jim graced the man with a small, genuine smile, and shook his head, going with complete honesty for once.
"I have no idea."
Moss' eyes were kind, but not pitying, which was good. "I see. Well, if you ever feel like making life easier on yourself and just telling me about it so that I can help you, please do so. Meanwhile, before we focus on the witnesses I want to talk about the last day in court. I've been thinking and Miss Shaw's rather amateur questions may not have been as foolish as I first thought."
Jim frowned. "What do you mean? They were childish and unprofessional. I'm pretty sure most of the people in there were cringing by the end, including Emerett. You know, the judge."
"Well, yes." Moss rolled his eyes again. "But I'm not so sure about these being rookie mistakes anymore. I think she's being pretty reckless about it, but she got to point out the tension between you two, the signs. Her words will stick, unconsciously altering the jury's perception."
Jim raised skeptical eyebrows at this. "I don't know." He clearly remembered most of the jury blob looking decidedly unimpressed that day. And as for the tension... well, two days ago he would have sworn it was one-sided, but now he was completely and utterly clueless as to what the hell people would find between him and Spock if they started digging.
Moss waved a hand around impatiently. "Look, I might say to you now that your hair looks awful today—"
"Hey!"
"—and you might dismiss it immediately, but that won't stop you from checking the first mirror you see. In a way Miss Shaw's seemingly clumsy attempt has ensured that they'll be watching out for that now, even if it's just out of curiosity or amusement or boredom or all of the above, but it'll be more closely than they would have otherwise."
"Well fuck my life, things can never be simple, can they?"
The lawyer smiled grimly. Jim found himself running a hand through his hair and answering his own question with a snort. "Of course not."
"Let's move on."
"Yeah, let's."
Moss shuffled some of the papers strewn over his desk and rearranging the notes into piles. He had so much paper, it made Jim curious.
"Why don't you use datapads in your office? You take them to the courtroom to seem more professional, but in here it's all books and papers and wooden desks and old stuff—"
Moss looked up at him shrewdly. "I happen to like 'old stuff.'"
"Me too, actually," Jim admitted. "Not that I have a huge collection of mega-expensive relics like you do but, yeah, it's interesting."
"So now you know my secret. To me, paper is like... tangible knowledge."
"Wow, that's deep, Moss," Jim said mockingly, and managed a wide grin which Moss returned, clearly amused.
"Anyway. We should talk about the witnesses. I met with Lieutenant Uhura yesterday since her turn to testify is tomorrow, and I have to say that it will be tricky. Very tricky."
"Uh, tricky how? She's smart as hell, she can handle it."
"Yes, that's the problem. She's a bit too smart, a bit too perceptive." Moss looked very pointedly at Jim when he said this and something in Jim's stomach felt like it was trying to claw it's way out. Something like a zombie version of the butterflies he'd felt around Spock. "Unless Miss Shaw asks very ambiguous questions, the Veritas device will pose a serious problem. The thing is, though, that I can't avoid it. She was in a relationship with Commander Spock, if I don't call her to the stand as a relevant party the prosecution will not only have a field day, but a chance to yell about obfuscation."
"Okay. Well that blows, but I trust her."
"Let's just hope that's enough. Dr McCoy, on the other hand, seems... opinionated, but firm, which is good because I do want the jury to see how faithful your crew is..."
x
"Captain."
"Hey."
There really was no way to control this Pavlovian reaction to Spock's presence, Jim thought to himself when he felt the familiar jolt of heat upon feasting his eyes on the sight of his First Officer. It was tragic; he became this eager little puppy, all bright-eyed and nervous energy and wanting to please his First Officer in sexy, sexy ways. Much as Jim hated the repeated comparisons of his person with fluffy baby animals, the effect was undeniable. It was... oh great, it was literally like one of Pavlov's dogs; he was actually salivating.
"Seeing each other at this time of night is inadvisable," Spock informed him primly, not stepping away from the door.
"Yeah, I know."
Swallowing (both literally and figuratively) with a grimace, Jim clapped the Vulcan's shoulder and promptly let himself into Spock's new quarters.
A quick glance at the bathroom told him this time there was no large antique tub, for which Jim was mostly grateful, but that was probably the only difference from the other place. Just like the old room it had the standard, Starfleet-efficient feel; narrow bed against the wall, a desk with computer terminal, one table that might pass for a nightstand and two empty shelves high up on the wall, under the air vent. In fact they looked pretty much identical, right down to the adjoining door on the right wall connecting them to Jim's room.
"Do come in, Captain," Spock said drily once the door had hissed shut, without turning around.
"Funny." Jim plopped himself on the bed and raised his eyebrows, instinctively conjuring up all of his bravado. "So. I think we should just skip the awkward small-talk and get straight to why you've been avoiding me."
Spock's posture didn't change one inch; it was as though he was frozen in place, his back still to Jim.
"And don't tell me you're gonna deny it because that would just be sa—"
"I have not 'avoided' you, Jim."
Jim huffed an annoyed breath and clapped his hands once to get Spock's attention.
"Hey, I'm over here. Look at me."
Spock turned around. His eyes were intense, immediately trying to pin Jim in his place, but he should have known that under such severe scrutiny Jim reacted differently from every crewman who'd cowered before the Vulcan's wrath. The Captain spread his legs comfortably in the civilian jeans he'd thrown on after he left Engineering covered in dirt again and put his arms behind his head; a perfect picture of mindless relaxation, untroubled by such trivial things as insecurities or fear.
"I see you, Captain," Spock said, with the sort of deliberate calm that betrayed his impatience.
"You'd better. You have been avoiding me for two days." Spock was silent. Jim lost his temper a little bit because the past two days had really sucked. "You didn't come to Moss' office because you feel under the weather? Really? Is that how little you think I know you?"
He hadn't planned on them butting heads straight away, honest; he'd been hoping for a peaceful resolution. But the problem Spock sometimes presented was… well, Jim was all restless bottled-up tension right now and Spock was stillness, calm control just waiting, begging to be messed with…
"The notion that a living being does not necessarily desire your constant presence at all times is entirely out of your grasp, I presume."
"Don't bullshit me," Jim snapped, dropping all pretence of ease and of standing up from the bed instead. He wanted… God, he wanted to kiss Spock so badly, to make him crazy with it and leave him panting for more. To punish him by pulling away the second Spock tried to get his hands all over Jim again, burning marks like imprints on his skin, same as last time.
As it was, Spock merely took a step forward, cheeks flushed a touch greener than usual in what Jim now knew to be anger. It wasn't a huge reaction but it still gave Jim a thrill because he'd made that face betray what it never wanted to.
"If you wish to speak, I do not intend to prevent you from doing so," Spock told him, using a reasonable tone that just irritated Jim all the more because it sounded exactly like one of his teachers scolding him for blowing up the school's lab when he was nine. Jim was perfectly aware of the fact that it would be a bad idea to try again. Obviously, if he used the same formula the compound would explode. He just needed to find the right proportions!
"I'm not here to rant at you, Spock, come on. Work with me."
Spock's eyes looked dark. "Are you here for an apology? Is that what you wish to hear?"
"What? No! That's stupid, we were both there, it's not just your fault!" Wow, this was spiralling way faster than he'd anticipated. But Spock was being deliberately obtuse.
"Then I propose we establish the parameters for future interaction and then leave this matter aside."
"Look, I…" Jim had gone from angry to baffled in short seconds. "Spock, I'm not sure what's gotten into you since we k—"
"There is no need to repeat it. What happened, happened."
Jim snorted. "You are being so fucking confusing right know I don't even know how to respond to that."
Spock took an aborted step toward him and Jim remembered what happened the last time Spock had gotten so angry he lost control; remembered for the millionth time the choking pain when Spock slammed him down and closed those long, deft fingers around his throat, gripping so tight that Jim saw stars and couldn't breathe. Oh well, there were worse ways to die, and in his current state, Jim was almost ready to settle for suffocation if it meant he could feel Spock's skin against his own again.
"Jim," Spock began, everything about his voice still reminiscent of a school-teacher facing an undisciplined James Kirk who'd done something wrong. "You cannot understand—"
"Bite me."
There was a pause during which this statement was contemplated by both parties.
"That would be illogical for a multitude of reasons," Spock said finally, his voice a touch hoarse.
"Why have you been avoiding me, Spock?" Jim repeated flatly.
"I c-cannot—" Spock started to say, then aburptly cut himself off with an expression of mild disbelief, as though his own incoherence was an unexpected, rather curious surprise. He took a slow breath and then started again; this time his voice was substantially more even, if not back to monotone. "My apologies."
"Don't worry about it," Jim said with just a twinge of sarcasm. "Now that's enough with the stalling. First you're going to tell me why you've been avoiding me and then you're going to explain why one little kiss has got your panties in a twist, got it? And don't bother refusing because I will make it an order."
Spock opened his mouth to argue but Jim raised his hand with his Captain's authority gesture, if not entirely unkindly.
"Just do it."
There was a short, charged pause, and then Spock caved. Finally.
"Your absence is always beneficial to my capacity for reasoning and logical thought, Jim. I required both." The Vulcan's tone had changed completely; it was said with an unexpected sort of softness, like a confession, which jarred in Jim's ears when all he'd heard out of it was a confirmation of his fears.
"So basically this is your nice way of saying you'd just rather not be in my company."
Spock opened his mouth as though he was going to object to this assessment, but then frowned slightly and appeared to thinking about it. "I cannot deny that your impression is accurate," he said at last, more than ever giving the sensation that he was choosing his words with care. "I am thankful that you can understand, Captain."
Jim felt a little sucker-punched. "Okay, so you prefer being away from me. That's… that's not exactly the friendship norm or anything but, uh, fine, I guess." He made an effort to sound sincere. "I mean I don't mind, if you want more space, less of my crazy—"
Spock took another step forward (they were eating up the space so quickly, Jim thought detachedly). "Please, allow me to explain my behaviour."
"I'd love that," Jim said eagerly, and as the ghost of a smile graced Spock's features the air around them seemed to diffuse some of the tension. Phew. Jim slumped down on the bed again, stretching comfortably. "Go ahead. I'm listening."
Spock walked to his desk chair and sat down. "In order to ensure maximum coherence I must ask for clarification of your previous order."
"Right." After all, 'explain why one little kiss has got your panties in a twist' wasn't exactly the most straighforward of commands. "Listen Spock, we're both adults here and I think we should discuss what happened in the shower rationally. But before we do that I want to know why it freaked you out so bad. You've never gone out of your way not to see me before, and I'm not an expert on Vulcan culture, so I'd feel way better if you explained what this… uh, means to you. I mean, it's not the end of the world, is it? It was just one kiss, right?"
"There is no such thing as casual physical interaction for me, Jim."
There was no special inflection in the way Spock said the words, but to Jim they sounded… heavy. How exhausting it must be, he thought now, looking at Spock and his perfectly composed appearance even in the casual setting of his own room.
"I'm sorry."
"It has been thus all my life," the half-Vulcan replied simply. It wasn't simple, though. Jim was sure of that.
"Okay."
"Two days ago I touched your skin at the same time as I was concentrating on repressing physical pain, which is why my mental barriers were not as strong as they should have been."
Jim gulped. He could remember what came next in high-definition and surround-sound.
"I… I must apologise. It was not acceptable and it will not happen again. I violated your privacy."
Hm. Well, that was true, but Jim hadn't really thought of it that way until now. He'd been a bit more worried about bombarding his best friend with lust-crazed thoughts of them together covered in soap and poison.
"So that's what you meant before," he mused out loud. And the look on Spock's face in the moment right before, that fear that had pained Jim so very much to remember… that made much more sense now. "Listen, you don't have to apologise. I'm the one who should be apologising."
A tiny little line appeared between Spock's eyebrows and his nose crinkled slightly, both signs of deep puzzlement. Both so adorable that Jim had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from cooing. "Excuse me? For what purpose?"
"Well, I never meant for you to feel all of that… uh, that is… I'm sorry I'm a perv?"
Spock's eyes widened. "Jim, are you apologising because you find me sexually desirable?"
Okay so when you put it like that it sounded kinda stupid.
"… Yes?"
"That is illogical. You cannot help yourself if you think of me that way."
Jim wanted to scoff and ask Spock if he wanted to look up 'humility' in the dictionary again because he must have gotten the meaning wrong… but then again, touch telepath.
"Yeah okay, so we established that I'm sorry I think you're hot." Wow, he'd actually just said that out loud. Not that… well, he'd always joked around with Spock before and flirting came to James Kirk about as naturally as breathing, but still, he genuinely meant this and it felt different than any other time he'd confessed finding someone attractive. "We should move on from this point, my ego feels."
It was probably a bad sign for Jim's plan to claw his way out of the grave he was digging for himself.
"Very well. I… as you know, my mother was Human." This time it was easy to catch the slight strain in Spock's words as he got them out, and Jim ached to put his arms around the guy and comfort him. But he wisely stayed where he was.
"'Course," he said roughly.
"Well, my mixed heritage implies certain… differences between myself and other Vulcans. I… obviously my control has not always been optimal; something you learnt first-hand."
Jim smiled wryly. "It's okay. I totally deserved it."
They'd already discussed that particular incident several times and now was not another time for guilt-ridden angst (or at least, not any more than the one they already had to deal with).
"However, I was emotionally compromised at the time. My normal state is far from such shameful instability." Jim nodded and didn't see Spock's right hand involuntarily clenching into a fist. "You asked why a… mere kiss would elicit conflict in me. Yet I believe that you are attributing Human qualities to my behaviour which do not apply. There is no logic in mindless pleasure, therefore my actions were illogical, and unworthy of a Vulcan."
For Spock's sake Jim ignored the little flip his stomach did at the word 'pleasure' coming out of Spock's mouth like that. Obviously it was a big deal for the guy to just give in to lust like that, and so Jim also ignored the fact that was staring at him in the face; Spock was definitely sort of indirectly admitting that there was lust there.
But Jim needed to be a friend now, not a horny asshole. "Spock, it was literally a life-or-death situation. And it was mostly my fault anyway."
"It remains unacceptable conduct. You do not understand… many Vulcans do not exchange such gestures until marriage." Spock looked at him sharply, obviously intent on catching Jim's reaction to these words.
"Whoa." Jim gulped and tried to school his features into an 'I'm totally cool with this' expression. "That's… uh, okay." And then something pretty relevant occurred to him. "But wait, if all this is because of a kiss, what the hell happens if you have sex outside of marriage?"
"The reason intercourse outside of marriage is frowned upon in Vulcan culture is that it is illogical, not because of any outdated religious belief. Just as intercourse without the eventual intent of marriage is entirely without purpose."
Jim could think of a lot of very vocal objections to that, but he kept his mouth shut.
"There are other… factors that come into play at a later time, however, for now suffice it to say any physical interaction that involves touch-telepathy must imply a substantial lack of self-discipline in myself."
"But what about Uhura?"
"... I do not understand your query." There was something about Spock's guarded face that made Jim's breath hitch.
"You know. If a kiss freaks you out, what happened when you fucked her? Is it because I'm a guy?"
His vulgar phrasing made Spock tense visibly, and for a moment the Vulcan didn't answer.
Jim sprang to his feet and strode over to tower over the other man (something he never got to do unless Spock was sitting down). He felt suddenly feverish, completely off-kilter. "I mean, you did do it with her, didn't you?"
Spock shook his head slightly. "Nyota and I have not had sexual intercourse, Jim."
"You… wait, seriously?"
Spock and Uhura were together for a pretty long time and Jim had just assumed that any sane person with a brain and the right sexual orientation—or screw that, just any living breathing being ever would want to hit that if given the chance. 'That' being 'Uhura.' Or, no wait, maybe he should change it to 'Spock', now. Uh, actually, he wasn't quite sure. Jesus, those two together would be hot.
Actually, no. With a ferocity that left him stunned, Jim's entire body revolted at the idea of Spock with Uhura. Yes, sure, from an aesthetic aspect it would probably be fucking gorgeous, but just… no. No, he didn't want to imagine that. Spock with someone else was a twisting feeling in his gut.
"Then who?"
Suddenly he had to know. Who, if not Uhura, who…? He needed to know this, it was completely vital for his continued existence.
Spock looked up at him from under his lashes, expression completely shuttered.
"Who, Spock? I mean god, if she wasn't—"
"Vulcan reproductive cycles differ from Humans, Jim."
It was almost too much to process. Jim's stomach was churning as though he was about to throw up and his skin felt too tight and tingling; every time he moved it scraped his bones and shot jolts up his spine.
"What's that mean?"
"There is no logic in mindless pleasure," Spock repeated. "To a Vulcan there is no such thing as a casual or frivolous encounter. Therefore, there is no purpose in recreational sexual practices without a lifelong commitment to your partner and the eventual intent to produce offspring."
Jim's brain seemed to be working extra syrupy-slow, but he was having a difficult time with all of this.
"Just say it plainly, okay?" he settled for hoarsely.
"I have not had sexual intercourse with Lieutenant Uhura or anyone else, Jim. I have never had sexual intercourse because there was no reason to."
No reason to…?
No reason?
Spock was a virgin…? Spock was a virgin. Spock was a virgin and for a crazy moment Jim's blood roared it's approval of this because yes, yes, fuck yes, Jim would be the first, the only—but of course he wouldn't. Couldn't. Marriage, Spock seemed to be implying. Commitment and words like 'lifelong.' Jim was no good for that and Spock didn't want it with him anyway.
"Jesus fucking Christ."
It was a lot to take in, okay?
"The fact that this is traditional of Vulcan beings does not mean I am in any way implying… insult to your sexual practices, of course," Spock said, but his voice was weirdly sharp, as though he was secretly wishing he was allowed to yell at Jim for his promiscuity.
"Okay. Yeah, and I mean it's totally cool with me too. About you being… you know. It's fine. You're gonna outlive me by fifty years anyway."
They both flinched slightly when that last sentence left Jim's mouth.
"I trust you understand why it was illogical of me to act on impulse, Jim."
Jim met Spock's gaze as steadily as his crazy pulse would allow. It was his turn to choose his words carefully. "I understand why it would freak you out and why you could think it was a bad thing. I can't really agree with you, though. Spock, you were in pain and the last thing you needed was to feel my, uh…" how did he put this lightly? "… interest. You said yourself you're only half-Human. You couldn't really help it, could you?"
Spock pursed his lips but his eyes lit with unexpected humour. "Indeed. I must say you are quite certain of your irresistibility."
"Are you positive that's a word?" Jim asked with a wink, taking a couple of steps away from Spock's chair so he wasn't crowding his space anymore. His pulse was slowly getting back to normal. "And you're damn right I'm sure. Not even Vulcans are immune to my power, so there."
He hoped this became something they could joke about. He'd try his best to ignore his stupid girlie feelings on the issue.
The corner of Spock's mouth twitched, but he quickly sobered. "Jim, you realize, I hope, the gravity of our situation."
"Of course. I'm sorry. But look, it doesn't have to be that bad. We don't need to tell anyone, and I already took the damn Veritas test so no one can ask me if there's ever been anything even remotely romantic between us. You're so cool you're immune to the thing, so we're safe."
"Indeed."
For some reason, as the atmosphere between them started crawling back to normal Jim felt… disappointed. Which was weird, because this had honestly gone better than he'd been expecting (what had he been expecting?), but… it was so businesslike. 'We kissed, we must cover our tracks and move on.' It was kind of painful, actually; in a dull, achy sort of way.
"Except… wait." Jim realised what he was saying. "You're still gonna have to lie."
"…I am aware of that."
"But you suck at lying."
Spock breathed in a way that said 'I'm suppressing a long-suffering sigh.' "I understand the logic behind stating something that is not true for a higher purpose, Captain. I am not a child."
"Right, and neither am I, now that we're at it, so that's enough with the lecture-tone, sir." At that Spock managed to convey being positively affronted without moving. "Look, anyway, I'm just not sure how I feel about you lying in front of a tribunal. I've heard you bullshit before so that's not the issue. It's just that a trial… it's official."
For a very long time after they met Jim had been absolutely convinced that the words 'official' and 'sacred' meant the same to his First Officer.
"Jim. I am quite capable of speaking a false fact regardless of the audience. It is generally said that Vulcans do not lie, however… if absolutely necessary, logic will justify an erroneous interpretation of the truth. And I am half-Human, as we've established twice already over the course of this discussion."
"Fine, fine." Jim wondered whether he'd get away with asking Spock to prove he could lie by saying 'I am a ballerina.' Probably not. And if he really thought about it, despite what Spock appeared to be in Human eyes, by Vulcan standards the guy was a total rebel. No one had ever rejected entry to the Vulcan Science Academy, for example. Only Spock, after being accepted and everything, and in front of the entire tribunal.
It was kind of stupidly hot, actually.
"So… great. I should probably go in case anyone's checking the computer locator to try and kill us again. Don't wanna make it easy on the crazy psycho, y'know?" He started walking slowly toward the adjoining door.
"I find your humour morbid."
"It's about death. 'Course it's morbid. It's about our death."
Spock's looked away from him for a moment (it seemed relevant enough to note, apparently; whenever Spock wasn't focused on Jim) to lift a datapad from the table and put it in his lap.
"You must have learned by now that I will not permit anything of that sort to happen to you," his first officer said firmly. Then he turned the PADD on and typed something with quick fingers.
Jim gave him a quizzical look, but Spock offered no explanation. "Uh, duh, and same here, which is sort of the reason we're in this mess in the first place?"
Spock looked up at him for a moment, hands still curled around the instrument, and Jim was struck by the way his exotic features were heightened in the bright lighting of his quarters; the glint of his black eyes making him wild, fey, and above all, so fucking gorgeous that it was all Jim could do to stay where he was and keep his arms by his sides.
"So I'm leaving now."
"Very well, Captain."
"Is the 'Captain' thing a turn on for you? Because you keep calling me that even when we're alone."
He would never not use inappropriate jokes to diffuse tension. It worked every time. Jim firmly believed in uncomfortable laughter (not that Spock would actually laugh, but the principle remained).
"… Good night, Jim."
"That's not a 'no!'"
Jim grinned widely (and it was only slightly forced) at the little tug of amusement at the corner of Spock's mouth.
"Fine, fine, good night to you too. Sleep, okay?"
"Yes, Captain."
Jim chuckled and left.
There was a message waiting for him back in his room. It was sent from a PADD about five minutes ago, and after he'd read it Jim felt like running back through that door and kissing Spock senseless, yes, of course, but mostly he wanted to shake him and yell: "Please, have mercy! Stop being everything I think about and everything I want and just torturously fucking perfect in every way! Stop looking so goddamn fuckable when I'm only Human! Cut it out!"
It said: "I agree that we must indeed avoid facilitating the killer's goal by enjoying each other's company, which is why other means of communication are less dangerous, such as this one. However, if the undeniable urge to be in my presence assaults you again and a message to my datapad does not suffice, a visit would be acceptable."
x
The second time Jim woke up with morning wood thanks to Spock it wasn't because of some hypothetical scenario his brain had magically conjured up; it was both better and worse because that incredibly vivid dream wasn't a dream so much as a memory, replayed over and over again from every possible angle (and even some angles that were downright unlikely).
Spock's huge pupils and parted lips right before their fingers entwined; Spock's mouth, the taste of it when Jim explored it with his tongue; Spock shoving him against the wall without breaking that kiss; Spock's strength and his unexpected aggressiveness right until the moment he'd lunged away. And it was enough, that bruising kiss, oh, it was more than enough for Jim to be so hard it was almost painful. And this time he had less of a crisis of conscience because Spock was his friend, yes, like Bones, except not at all like Bones, actually. And Spock was driving him insane because he was completely unaware of his effect on Jim, completely ignorant of his appeal, and now that Jim knew it was uncharted territory he was hungry for more, starved, really, and the knowledge of what couldn't be made his movements rough with frustration.
So he clamped his jaw shut to prevent Spock's name from escaping his lips and after a shallow orgasm told himself that saying it wouldn't have changed anything or even made it remotely better; it would only have increased the likelihood of being murdered by his First Officer if Spock had heard him through the wall, which was improbable but still frighteningly possible.
Jim was dressing in a slight daze, limbs still sleepy and relaxed even after a quick shower to try and wake himself up, when something happened.
He was leaning over the replicator, bare-chested because the formal green dress-shirt was pretty damn difficult to find among the selections and he needed to type in some authorization codes, when he was struck by a memory from the night when he'd almost died (you know, the last time that happened. It's funny because he actually needed to clarify that). Specifically, the memory of Spock's low grunt of satisfaction and appraising look when Jim had been forced to wear a science-blue shirt. It had been undeniably… there. A sort of approval, almost like a sort of pride in seeing Jim wear Spock's clothes.
And suddenly the entire conversation they'd had the night before felt a little less… definite. Less final.
That woke him up.
x
"You work with both of these officers quite closely, don't you, Lieutenant?"
"Yes, I do. I'm the Senior Communications Officer on the ship."
"Correct."
Jim shifted slightly in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, the material of his stupid shirt pulling uncomfortably.
The courtroom was completely silent while Nyota Uhura answered Miss Shaw's questions looking unfairly fantastic in a formal variation of her red dress. She was doing great so far; appearing calm and competent with just a touch of gutsiness about her that Jim suspected had half the jury in love already.
"You maintained a relationship with Commander Spock for some of that time, correct?"
In his seat, Spock was perfectly still, gaze fixed on the Lieutenant.
The first few days of Jim's command, when he and Spock weren't really friends yet, Jim had tried to poke and prod for a reaction or a confession or something that would explain the Vulcan's relationship with Uhura, to no avail. After that, however, and as he got to know Spock better, he stopped. In fact, up until yesterday they'd skirted the topic as much as possible; Jim having finally accepted Spock was very private about these things and not wanting to push the guy on them, and Spock obviously having no intention of volunteering any information ("I have no comment on the matter").
Even after they broke up the topic was a bit of a taboo. If it was mentioned in passing by someone else, Jim recalled trying to be supportive and polite despite the fact that, to his eyes, Spock and Uhura together had made absolutely no sense. He could see where they came from if he squinted, maybe, and sure, both Spock and Uhura had the 'cool kid in class' sort of vibe going on, but in absolutely opposite ways. And it was just... wrong.
Plus like he said, not a very common topic. But thinking back on all of this stuff, it had lasted for a pretty long time.
"Most of it, actually. Yes."
"Correct."
It took Jim half a second to realise she'd said that to help, as if his admiration and esteem for the woman needed to grow any more since the respect he'd recently developed over that fact that she seemed to have, somehow, gotten over Spock and moved on. Jim wondered how one got around to doing that, and wished he could ask for tips.
"I'd like for you to elaborate on that later, but for now if you would please give the jury your assessment of Captain Kirk and Commander Spock's working relationship."
"Of course." Uhura crossed her legs elegantly and smiled, and the other half of the jury who'd been struggling against being charmed was probably done for. "I met Captain Kirk under less than favourable circumstances, and we didn't exactly get off to a great start. Commander Spock was my professor at the Academy."
She probably had no idea this happened but when she mentioned Spock her tone got subtly softer, something Jim couldn't bring himself to resent her for.
"During our involvement with the Narada disaster I saw each of them acting as both Captain and First Officer at different times."
Jim chanced a quick glance at Spock out of the corner of his eye and saw that Spock was still looking at her very intently. It made Jim itchy to get the Vulcan's attention, which was childish and ridiculous and a bit sad, but Spock hadn't really blinked in quite some time and Jim was genuinely concerned for the health of his First Officer's retinas. It was purely on a friendly level. Not irrationally jealous or anything pathetic like that.
"I've had a chance to work with them separately and I've worked with them together, and the difference is pretty blatant. They balance each other, steady each other beyond the simple 'brains and brawn' combination because Spock is just as smart as he looks and Kirk is way, way smarter. Otherwise we'd all be in big trouble." Jim rolled his eyes fondly and quiet laughter invaded the rest of the room. "In my opinion, each has his strengths and his weaknesses but when they work as a team is when you get everything right. You could ask anyone who's been on the bridge during a crisis and they'd tell you the same thing. I don't think separating them is a good idea at all."
"Correct."
"Thank you, Lieutenant Uhura." Areel gave her a little, genuine-looking smile. "Now I'm afraid I need to ask you about the Tersal mission. Specifically, about the Captain's seemingly illogical behaviour."
"There's nothing illogical about rescuing a stranded crew-member," Uhura replied with a quirked eyebrow.
"Correct."
"Of course not. But the circumstances were anything but simple. You're the one who received the direct order from Starfleet Command to proceed to the rendezvous with the Fidelius vessel, is that right?"
"Yes."
"Correct."
"Was that order ultimately obeyed?"
"Yes. With one and a half seconds to spare."
"Correct."
Again, a ripple of amusement went through the room.
"If Mr Spock's rescue had taken another hour, do you personally believe that Captain Kirk would have stayed?"
An hour. One hour for the price of Spock's life? Yes, Jim knew now, looking back, that he would have stayed. But as he sat there reflecting on it, he wondered where the limit was. A day? Then again, a day without lactic supplies really wasn't the end of the world, even for a constitution-class starship with as many officers as the Fidelius. So… two days? Calcium was of vital importance for the body, he was pretty sure of that, so he'd need to ask Bones how long Human beings could go without any sort of dairy product. Still, it was probably not very long before he was risking their health. What would it take for Jim to let Spock die? What great need of many would outweigh the need of Spock?
He had no answer for now, and realizing that terrified him.
"I can't speak for Captain Kirk's hypothetical actions, sorry," Uhura said with a shrug.
"Incorrect."
Commodore Emerett, who had been silently observing the proceedings, now hit the little bell with his gavel.
Uhura gave a little incredulous snort. "Fine, fine, I'm not sorry. But I really can't say what Kirk would do, that's up to him, not me."
"Correct."
Areel stepped towards the stand where Uhura sat.
"Very well. Tell me, Lieutenant, would I be correct in assuming you know Mr Spock better than anyone on the ship?"
Moss scribbled something on his notebook and passed it to Jim. It read: "Classic segue into asking about Spock's behaviour but VERY DANGEROUSLY PHRASED."
Jim was still sitting frozen in his chair, having allowed himself a few seconds to reel at his discovery, wondering when these jolts of realization would be over. He also wondered for a moment whether there was solid ground at the end of this fall or whether he'd just keep going forever, swooping sensation in his stomach the same as when the transporter put him back together.
He was used to the adrenalin rush, but he wasn't sure whether he found this exhilarating. Somehow, he had the feeling that there was definitely a crash waiting, not-too-patiently, for James T. Kirk.
"Mr Spock is still a good friend of mine, if that's what you mean."
"Correct."
"Well, it's not," Areel said with a hint of exasperation. "Please just answer the question. Would I be correct in assuming you know Mr Spock better than anyone on the ship?"
Uhura was quiet for a few moments, her eyes slightly narrowed. "Not exactly."
"Correct."
Moss hissed quietly (so quietly Jim was probably the only one who noticed). He underlined the 'danger' in DANGEROUSLY twice and then focused completely on Uhura's cautious expression.
"Oh?" Areel looked surprised, but Jim thought it was probably fake; Moss' reaction told him that she'd been counting on that answer. "Who could possibly know him better than the woman he was with for nearly a year?"
The Veritas device was gleaming prettily in its place and Uhura's gaze actually flickered in its direction before she replied. "I'm not saying… Kirk is also a good friend of his. He also knows Spock well, maybe better than me. I wouldn't really know, would I?"
"… Inconclusive."
There was a slight mutter among the crowd and Jim tried not to shift in his seat.
"Care to elaborate on that so that the machine can give a more accurate reading, Lieutenant?" Areel asked gently.
"I… look, there's a reason Spock and I broke up," Uhura said. There was an awkward pause and Jim gaped at her when he realised what it seemed like she was implying.
"Not—not that Kirk was it, he had nothing to do with it," she added quickly, just fast enough that the Veritas device would wait to scan the entire explanation. "I just meant that the fact that I've known Spock the longest of the crew and been in a relationship with him doesn't necessarily mean I know him best. At least, I don't think I can boast knowing him better than anyone else. Kirk probably knows him better than me."
The device seemed to be churning the information for a while before emitting a low whirr and then: "… Inconclusive."
Uhura's eyes widened and Moss' frown deepened. But the machine wasn't done. In Uhura's sweet, clear voice, it started quoting her back.
"'I just meant that the fact that I've known Spock the longest of the crew and been in a relationship with him doesn't necessarily mean I know him best'. Correct."
The quality of the recording was scarily good.
"'At least, I don't think I can boast knowing him better than anyone else'. Correct."
Moss was slowly shaking his head, eyes wide with dread. It felt a little like the entire room was holding its breath.
"'Kirk probably knows him better than me'. Correct."
But never, honest-to-God ever would Jim have expected to be witness to what happened next.
"I… look, there's a reason Spock and I broke up. Not—not that Kirk was it, he had nothing to do with it."
Even a second before it did.
"…Incorrect."
Ehem. *clears throat* So, Spock's a virgin! Touched for the very first—no seriously though, in my mind-canon he totally is. I know a lot of the nuTrek fic has him being, well, NOT ONE, but… if we take TOS into account, it makes way more sense. Yes, Spock is a rebel and for Jim he will toooootally do eeet before they're bonded or whatever, but I just don't see him doing that for Uhura (or anyone else). Vulcans are TOTAL repressed prudes and even Pon Farr, which is all about crazy mating urges etcetera, requires a mental bond and leads to the eventual marriage. So, yeah, that is my opinion.
NOW, SEE HOW I JUST DISTRACTED YOU FROM MY EVIL CLIFFHANGERITIS WITH THIS LONG EXPLANATION OF MY VIEWS ON SPOCK'S VIRGINITY? :D