YOU GUYS LISTEN UP! THIS IS RELEVANT TO OUR INTERESTS! There's a poll at TrekMovie dot com where you can vote the thing that most irked you from the 2009 movie. And Spock/Uhura is WINNING (but not by a lot)! This is super important because Bob Orci, one of the screenwriters, checks that website constantly and even asks the fans for advice on certain stuff, so if you want him to see that some fans think S/U is totally illogical please vote here: http : / trekmovie . com/2011/04/02/roberto-orci-star-trek-team-listening-to-fan-feedback-on-young-kirk-brewery-engineering-more/
Vote, for the love of slash, voooooooooote (um, if you waaaaaaaaant)!
Ehem.
PS. ToTheBeatOfMyOwnDrummer! I've been trying to contact you but your PM feature is disabled and I never got your email address! Remember ffnet hates dot coms!
Chapter Seventeen: Veritas Vos Liberabit
It was like she heard herself talking and knew it, the second those words left her mouth, knew that they weren't true and that she was lying, lying and about to be caught, but it was too late by then, it was all wrong and it was her own damn fault.
Goddammit.
x
Three months ago...
They fought again today. Not Spock and her, of course, even though sometimes she felt like screaming at the impassive face. No, she had never been able to make him angry enough that one of their arguments turned into an actual fight.
No. It was Kirk and Spock.
It was always Kirk and Spock, lately. As though they'd become this single entity, and you couldn't have one without the other. KirkandSpock.
She wasn't even there to see it unfold; her shift had ended at least an hour before and she'd been catching up on some work in her quarters, listening to different Argelian dialects on her headphones in preparation for the new mission. But she knew it had happened the second Spock walked through the door, because his eyes glinted dangerously and there was a faint emerald blush on his cheeks.
She no longer bothered to hide her intuitions about him, no longer paid meticulous attention to their every interaction.
"Did Kirk disprove your theory again?" she asked before Spock even had the chance to open his mouth and offer a greeting. Her tone was clipped and annoyed; even she knew that.
It gave Nyota equal parts satisfaction and pain to watch the perfectly composed face betray a flash of irritation at her words. It also made her (extremely reluctantly) impressed with her Captain, that Kirk could provoke such a visible reaction without even being in the damn room.
She turned away from him, chair swivelling back to her computer, feeling like a conflicted mess and hating herself for being such a coward.
"The Captain did not disprove anything," Spock replied with what, to her trained ears, sounded like obviously forced calm. "He merely attempted to ignore my interpretation of the facts and its significance. And was unsuccessful."
When she looked at him over her shoulder it was to find that Spock had extended two fingers for a kiss, as was their usual routine if they met at his or her quarters after a long shift.
For a brief second Nyota contemplated not reciprocating the gesture, hoping out of pure desperation, perhaps, to see if she could ever make him react like that. To make him lose it like Kirk did with such insulting ease…
But then the moment was gone and anyway she could already tell that Spock wanted to vent, not that Spock knew this, but she knew. Spock wanted to talk about how illogical Kirk was and how the odds of his calculated risks which paid off were inexplicably high. Spock wanted to complain about Kirk's constant need for medical assistance, and cite him for being irresponsible and insolent. He wanted to protest Kirk's lack of discipline on some regulations, which somehow always involved saving other's lives and so Spock wanted to argue about the value of preserving those lives versus actively defying Starfleet orders with excessive frequency and the risk that posed to their command…
It had been a while since Spock spoke of anything but the Captain, and Nyota Uhura was beginning to notice.
Ironically, Vulcan was a great language for swearing. She felt a little like swearing, right now. She felt a lot like slapping Spock, which would be an irresponsible thing to do (or so she was trying to convince herself).
Nyota had studied the languages of the worlds and she had learnt to listen, because it wasn't always about talking, oh no. She heard things in the inflection of a single syllable that others could not, and she remembered thinking how Spock, more than anyone, was a fascinating subject to study in that he worked tirelessly to hide those particular inflections, those sounds that gave away one's moods. At first, having to struggle to find out what he was thinking had been exciting and challenging.
But then she got better at it.
And now a pattern that was very obvious had begun to develop, and she heard what Spock was very deliberately not saying, and probably not even thinking, the poor, innocent, confused little Vulcan. No, he probably didn't know.
But to her the truth was so loud that it had become impossible to pretend she was deaf to it.
x
Kirk wasn't all of it. Of course he wasn't, and it would be unfair to say that their breakup was his fault. But he was definitely the trigger, the reason she could finally see why Spock and her, why it was pointless to keep pretending everything would be all right, that everything still had a semblance of logic. They didn't make sense anymore, by the end, and it was as simple as that. She had loved Spock fiercely but she wasn't completely stupid, despite what recent events might indicate. It was for both of them that she told Spock calmly that she didn't think it was fair for their relationship to maintain this—this illusion that it meant more than it did.
"I… look, there's a reason Spock and I broke up. Not—not that Kirk was it, he had nothing to do with it."
"…Incorrect."
She was expecting an instant buzz of frantic whispers but it was even worse than that, because before the room exploded there was this sort of frozen, disbelieving silence and she felt every single person staring at her like a heavy, crushing weight, too much for her slim frame.
And then Emerett banged his gavel because being caught lying on court was illegal and technically Uhura could be charged with this, it would go on her permanent record... but it was like the warning shot because suddenly everyone was talking. The people sitting as spectators weren't even trying to whisper, and out of the twelve members of the jury at least eleven were having in-depth conversations with the person sitting next to them. It was confusing, a mess, Kirk and Spock's lawyer was objecting (to what, though? To Uhura's complete and utter idiocy for volnteering the damn information?), and she could see McCoy trying to get Kirk to turn around at look at him by gesticulating wildly yet soundlessly, wide-eyed in a way that made him look slightly insane. It was kind of hard to believe that every person here was a mature adult and a Starfleet officer. Scotty had actually clapped a hand over his mouth like they did in movies and was gaping at the back of Spock's head.
Out of everyone in the courtroom, Kirk and Spock were the only ones who remained perfectly still, like two mannequins sitting next to each other with identical closed-off expressions. Even if she'd tried, Uhura was sure that she could no more tell what her Captain was thinking than the Vulcan. And Spock... oh Spock. I'm so sorry, she wanted to say. But that wouldn't do him any good. Spock didn't know, of course.
Three months ago she'd reasoned with herself that it would be too soon and too cruel to explain to the Vulcan something he wasn't ready to hear; to tell him that part of the reason she broke up with him was that he'd fallen for someone else without even realizing it. Now, however, she was quite sure that Spock would have figured it out; dissecting his own emotions like a mathematical equation until he came up with the correct answer. There were a lot of clues by this point, even for someone who every day made a conscious effort to suppress and ignore his feelings.
After a very long minute, the Commdore-acting-as-judge managed to be heard above the din and impose silence.
"May I remind the inhabitants of this courtroom that this is a court martial, not a place of idle gossip and wilful chatter." It sounded like a threat, and would have been less funny if not for the note of uncertainty that had crept into the man's voice at the end of that sentence. Things had certainly taken a turn for the dramatic in here.
"Lieutenant Uhura, I'm going to give you a chance to rephrase your incorrect statement."
Oh thank God.
"Thank you, your honour," she said, clutching her composure as best as she could. She kept her gaze level and spoke only to the prosecutor, avoiding both Kirk and Spock, afraid of what would come out of her mouth next if she was met with their horrified stares.
"It's not true that Kirk had nothing to do with Mr Spock and myself ending our romantic relationship."
"Correct."
Uhura took a breath before continuing, because this needed very careful wording and she couldn't afford to screw up again. Granted, it would be difficult to do so as royally as she had before, but with a bit of effort she was sure the possibility of making things worse was most certainly there, and so caution right now was probably key.
"Kirk was, in fact, indirectly part of the reason we broke up, because he made me realise that Spock and I were better off as friends."
"Correct."
"How did this realisation come to be, Lieutenant?" Areel asked. She'd had the decency not to clap her hands delightedly when Uhura dropped the bomb, at least, and instead looked kind of dumbstruck and slightly confused, as though she didn't quite know how to process what was happening (in that moment she'd actually reminded Uhura of the Captain the first time he was confronted with seeing Spock shirtless for a medical exam).
Kirk and Spock's lawyer didn't try to object this time and Uhura knew why. Technically, it was worth making a token protest so that it was noted in the official record, but right now she was in the middle of a very delicate conversation and interruptions might steer it away from the way she wanted the questions to go.
"Well, it was seeing their friendship that made me understand." She gave the other woman a small smile and tried to ease the tension out of her taut muscles. She could do this. She knew words, she could do this.
"Correct."
"Seeing the way Kirk and Spock behaved toward each other made you want to end a romantic relationship with the latter?" Areel asked, and this time Moss did leap up with a ready "Objection!" because she'd completely twisted Uhura's words. With perfect accuracy, of course, but the wording was everything.
Emerett banged the gavel again, a look of mild terror on his face at this point, probably because this session had very quickly descended into the kind of relationship drama that the man seemed to hate.
"Sustained. Miss Shaw, please don't rephrase the Lieutenant's statement."
Areel opened her mouth to apologize, probably, but Uhura saw her chance.
"Yes, because that isn't what I meant to say at all."
It was the truth, but she hadn't meant to say the truth.
"Correct."
"I meant that seeing their friendship was what opened my eyes to the problems in my relationship. One of them was comunication, something Kirk and Spock do perfectly, beyond the status of Captain and Commander because they really are very good friends. So in a way Kirk was the trigger, if you will. Not the cause."
"Correct."
"And I didn't mean to suggest anything else; my previous statement was obviously badly phrased, for which I apologise."
"Correct."
x
Jim was having serious trouble keeping his gaze steadily forward; the urge to turn to Spock scratched at his skin, relentless in its intensity. He had no idea what to think, but he couldn't just slip into shock and blank out his mind or something equally convenient; his brain was too used to making quick assessments and then jumping to action. The problem was that he couldn't come up with a single satisfying answer and so he was left scrambling through all the possibilities over and over.
He wasn't dumb. In fact, he was pretty damn smart. A part of him wanted to believe... knew it would be easier to believe that Uhura was simply telling the truth as she justified her mistake. That he'd been foolish to feel his heart leap at her words, as though the first and obvious explanation was immediately the right one, Occam's Razor of Joy and all that. That he'd been naive, and she'd simply meant what she later tried to justify.
But James Kirk really was a smart-ass, in that he was both smart and had a great ass. And there was something about the way she spoke, the meticulous phrasing of her sentences after, which he couldn't ignore. The suspicion that Uhura truly believed he'd had something to do with their break up started to become a certainty.
And so it was that after a horrible, agonising hour of staring at anything but Spock, and after hearing Areel cleverly try and poke holes in Uhura's answers and Uhura just as cleverly duck accusations, after Emerett declared it was Moss' turn and the lawyer stood and asked only two questions ("Do you believe that Captain Kirk and Commander Spock are emotionally compromised?" "No." "Correct." And "Do you believe Captain Kirk and Commander Spock have endangered or will inadvertently endanger their crew in any way?" "No." "Correct.")... after it was all over Jim continued in his herculean effort of ignoring Spock and walked straight up to Nyota Uhura who still sat in her chair, as though reluctant to leave the high stand.
"Hey," he said, looking up at her calmly. People were shuffling around and the mutters had started up immediately after the Commodore closed the session for the day.
She flinched, even though all he'd done was greet her politely and he wasn't even mad at her or anything. She'd only lied to protect them. The problem was that now he wanted to know which truth she'd felt the need to cover up, and he was curious and more than a little determined, as James Kirk was wont to be.
"Hey, Kirk."
"You mind walking with me to someplace where we can talk?" he said, not even trying for subtlety. Then he felt (he didn't hear it, didn't see it, he felt) Spock's presence behind him and turned around without knowing what to expect.
"Spock, what's up?"
"I wish to speak to Nyota," Spock said, something about his voice or maybe the set of his jaw making Jim frown.
Uhura looked down at the both of them for a very long moment, then slid off her chair and went over next to Spock, so that they formed an isosceles triangle with Jim being the furthest point.
"Kirk asked first," she said, her tone a bit teasing but mostly wary, her gaze intent on Spock's face just as Jim's was, both of them turned to him, waiting for his reaction.
"My apologies. I was unaware."
"It's okay, I can leave if you'd prefer," Jim said. He could understand that Spock might be even more curious than him.
"Yes," said Uhura with a sigh and "No," said Spock at the exact same time. "You wished to speak to Nyota first, I will do so at a later date."
"But Spock—" Uhura began, leaning a little closer to him with pleading eyes. Jim was struck once more by the familiarity between them, and the practiced delicacy with which Uhura respected the Vulcan's personal space. He'd never gotten the hang of that, he always ended up forgetting. And instead of making him sad, seeing them like that made him bristle with annoyance. Was it really necessary for them to stand close?
She had started to say something to him in fast, low Vulcan that Jim only caught snatches of (the words 'explanation' and 'reason' and 'conversation') but Spock shook his head once and she quieted. For a moment Jim thought; you're not supposed to just let him get his way and back down if he's being stubborn. I'd have argued, if there was something I needed to say to him. I'd have made him listen.
"Oy, you three!"
Moss walked up to them, and a little way behind him waited McCoy, leaning against the defense's desk.
"I'm sorry," Uhura interjected before the lawyer could say anything. "I'm really sorry, I screwed up—"
"It wasn't your fault," Moss said.
"Of course it was my fault," she snapped. Then, looking at Spock with pained eyes, she repeated. "I'm so sorry."
"I was unaware of your thoughts on this matter," Spock said softly.
Moss rolled his eyes. "Well, I wasn't, but I thought we'd be able to avoid the question." The fact that the question hadn't even been asked lingered in the air between them.
"I'm sorry," Uhura said again, a touch something like defiance in her eyes that said she was starting to get a bit tired of being scolded. In that aspect, at least, she reminded Jim of himself a lot.
"Yes, well, let's just forget that for now—"
"What?" Jim rounded on Moss, indignant. "Are you kidding me? She doesn't even get a long evening being ranted at by your delightful self? Is this because she's hot? Because I'm also hot and I got four hours of verbal abuse, so that, my friend, would be very misogynistic."
His comment served to diffuse some of the tension on the air.
"Shut up, Kirk."
Spock quirked an eyebrow. "The Captain's inquiry seems genuinely valid, if we were to extrapolate a pattern of behaviour considering your previous reactions to our mistakes."
Even Uhura was smiling a tiny bit (at Spock, which annoyed Jim, but whatever), but Moss had had enough, apparently.
"Yes, well, her mistake will cost more gossip to go around, that's for sure. But since your last little incident—" that word was like a curse, Jim thought, jolting at the sudden memory of water dribbling from Spock's parted lips and down his chin "—had to be kept quiet, the entire Starbase is convinced that you were seen running around in your underwear, and that the reason you changed sleeping quarters (yes, Kirk, everyone knows where you sleep), the reason you changed sleeping quarters is that you wrecked the ones you already had via sex-marathon."
Uhura managed a choked little laugh that sounded like a damn tinkling bell because her voice was gorgeous but Spock… Spock was looking at the floor and blushing. It was unmistakeable. His eyes looked slightly dazed and there was this green flush over his cheeks and nose that completely betrayed him. Jim was confused because he could feel his pulse pounding like crazy as though his blood-cells knew his brain needed oxygen but they were struggling against a pull slightly south of that direction.
For a few moments no one seemed to know quite what to say, although Moss certainly looked very smug, but sadly they were spared the need to come up with a suitable response by the timely appearance of one six-foot asshole called Ben Finney. Apparently the bastard just had to keep popping up whenever Jim was sure he'd finally gotten rid of him.
"So you've finally decided to try that menage-a-trois, then?" a voice said loudly. And yeah, the room was starting to empty, but there were still a lot of people in it, including over half the jury.
Jim rolled his eyes. "You're not allowed in here. Go away, please."
"Session's over Jimmy, I'm allowed wherever I want."
Then he realised something. "Wait... were you waiting outside for me, Ben?"
"I—"
"Wow, maybe now that I'm here I should get a restraining order, because clearly your obsession with me has degenerated into stalking."
At this comment the general unpleasantness in Finney seemed to morph into something even uglier, clear eyes darkening into downright mean.
"Well, Ensign Sanz was just telling me about Uhura's fuck up. Way to go, girl." Ben smirked and ran his eyes over Uhura's body exaggeratedly, even though Jim was pretty sure the guy was completely gay. Moss, who stood slightly to the side of the group, was staring at Finney with a rather baffled expression.
"Smart little bitch, aren't you? First you get cadet farmboy hot for you, then you screw your professor, and now that they're together the triangle is complete and you're free to screw someone else! Let's see, you've done the Captain and the First Mate, who's next? The Chief Medical Officer? The Chief Engineer?"
"Back the fuck off and don't talk to her like that," Jim spat, incensed.
Ben raised hands in mock-surrender. "Wow, still carrying a torch for her after all these years, Jimmy? Your boyfriend won't like that."
"What hole did this piece of shit crawl out of?" Uhura said incredulously. Spock's jaw was clenched and he'd moved slightly in front of her, unconsciously protective.
"Don't pretend you don't remember me from the Academy, Nyota," Ben said with a snort. "I'm the smart bastard who knew to tap this ass when there was still something fun about him, before Starfleet beat the rebel into submission." He leered at Jim, who out of the corner of his eye noted Spock's stance shift slightly, as though he was itching to place himself between Ben's eyes and Jim's body. "He'd probably be vanilla in bed now, which is a shame 'cause dammit Jimmy, those were some fun times we had."
"Maybe for you," Jim grit out, forcing himself to sound nonchalant.
"Like you didn't beg for it like a little bi—"
"Back away," Spock cut in, his tone biting.
"You wanna defend your man? Make me, dude."
Okay, this had gone from cheap shots to barbed insults very fast, and this time there was nothing subtle about the way Spock stepped forward, eyes blazing. Ben looked back at him with equal dislike.
"Spock, this isn't your fight—" Jim muttered, trying to pull Spock back.
"Tell me, Mr Spock, does he still like it a bit rough?"
"Do not speak of the Captain in this way or I will make sure that you are unable to—"
"Okay, let's all calm down, shall we?" This was Moss speaking loudly and sternly. "I don't know who you are but clearly, your issues need to be addressed by a counselor, my friend. Now please leave before you cause a scene."
"I have every right—"
"Fine, we'll leave," Jim interrupted. "Come on guys, let's get out of here."
Spock followed him without protest, as did Moss and then McCoy, but a few seconds later, Jim realised Uhura had stayed behind.
She was looking up at Ben Finney with narrowed eyes and her feet planted slightly apart, an unyielding stance that made her look menacing despite the fact that she was much shorter than him.
"You ever insult my Captain like that again and I will, as Chief Communications Officer on the USS Enterprise, bury your ass in so much bureaucratic crap that the promotion you're obviously so desperately panting after will never see the light. After which, I will kick your ass."
McCoy gave a low whistle of admiration.
Ben was trying to act unimpressed. "Right. Under whose authority?"
"Mine," Jim volunteered, raising his hand. "Because I'm the Captain of the USS Enterprise. Unlike you. Who isn't. A captain."
Uhura nodded firmly, and then crossed her arms over her chest.
"So you should really reconsider this disrespecting attitude you've got."
"Your precious Captain has broken the rules, missy, not me."
"My precious Captain is the best fucking Captain in the fleet, asshole, so unless you want me to follow through on my very specific, very real threat, you should just shut up."
Wow. So Uhura had quite a mouth on her when she was mad, too. Hot damn.
"Stay away from us."
They all marched out of the courtroom together, which felt pretty great, to be honest. Jim even managed to fist-bump Uhura, and got a punch in the arm from McCoy. It was a bit crowded outside because everyone else was sort of milling around still, but Jim took advantage of the distraction to look sideways at Spock, hoping to exchange a reassuring glance of some sort. Didn't work.
Since they were splitting up in different directions, Moss waved a gruff goodbye at them with a promise that they would talk later, and then there were four.
"If you don't mind, Kirk, I'd like to talk to Spock first," Uhura said.
"Oh. Yeah, sure. It's just…" he wanted Spock to acknowledge his existence in some way, but Spock was looking at Uhura, which was making Jim more annoyed by the second. "… fine. Forget it, it wasn't important."
"Oh. Okay."
Even she was eyeing Spock strangely, though, like she was wondering what the hell was with him. So Jim wasn't the only one who'd noticed.
McCoy clapped a hand on Jim's shoulder. "Let's go have lunch."
"Bones, it's a bit early for—"
"I thought it was never too early for food."
Jim managed a smile. "Yeah, okay. I'll see you guys tomorrow, then."
They were halfway down the busy corridor before Spock caught up to them.
"Jim, a moment please."
It didn't sound like a request, not even remotely.
"Can't it wait?" McCoy asked with raised eyebrows. Spock glared at him, or at least, that was the feeling that was transmitted when Spock tore his gaze away from Jim's to look at McCoy in a very specific manner.
"It is not urgent, merely convenient. Allow us to converse for a few minutes alone, please." Again, it was more like a threat than a question.
"Yeah, no, the only person allowing anything here is me, thank you very much my two, strong men," Jim professed with an eyeroll. "For the last time, I am not the girl in this threesome."
"Yeah you are, Jim, get over it," McCoy grinned. Jim punched him on the shoulder and looked at Spock again, but Spock remained decidedly unamused and the smile on Jim's face swiftly faded.
"A moment, please," Spock repeated, caveman style. It wasn't hot.
"Fine, fine." Oh God, he was the girl. "Wait for me at the Hospital Bay if you want, Bones, Spock and I are going to have a moment."
"See you later."
The doctor wove his way through the crowd and away. Jim fixed Spock with his best scowl.
"I thought we decided we wouldn't be alone together anymore. We can't just walk into the first empty room and have a conversation."
Apparently this version of caveman Spock still came with all the brainy attachments.
"We can go to Deck 6, on the botanical aisles. This is an adequate time for you to see the results of the scientific research being done here and we might speak without being overheard."
"… But we'd still be together."
"In order for a conversation to happen, us being together is a necessity," Spock said, the clipped edge in his words a sign that he was dumbfounded by how stupid Jim was being. Jim decided not to point out that they could very well have a conversation over the communicators. "At least we will not be together alone in a room with an available and sturdy enough surface—"
"Whoa, o-kay! I get it, Jesus."
"Very well."
x
It had sounded fine when Spock suggested it, but now Jim was strolling with his first officer amidst rows and rows of flowers, so maybe he should have really thought this plan through.
Although Deck 6 was actually pretty amazing.
The dome-like structure they were inside of right now was so large that it actually took up part of Deck 7, and the calibrations on the artificial sunlight were so good that it could be easily confused with the real thing. Starbase Theta was relatively close to several fascinating uninhabited planets for study but for a project of this magnitude to depend on the distant suns was very unrealistic, so the specific conditions for each sample were then recreated here, down to the heat that was slightly above the ideal neutral for body-temperature. Jim revelled in the feeling, even though his dress uniform shirt felt extremely uncomfortable after about two seconds.
The place was busy with activity and he'd seen several people working at their various stations when they came in, but only a couple of them looked up, and no one seemed interested in them. You could say that for these Theta scientists; they really did like their plants. The aisles themselves were oddly quiet and almost felt secluded; all sorts of flora springing from their pots and creating this strange, almost cramped atmosphere. Several rows had special lighting, so the effect was a tad disco and multicoloured, but Jim found that he understood why Spock liked coming here so often. It was oddly peaceful.
"So what did you want to talk about?" he asked, pretty mystified by this point. The sound of his voice was oddly muffled by the foliage around them.
"I must confess, I was disappointed that you did not think it fit to inform me of the fact that you and Mr Finney had a romantic relationship."
"… Are you serious?"
"I inferred he was infatuated with you, but you did not tell me the emotion was reciprocated. It shows an exceptional lack of judgement at the time, on your part."
Jim stopped walking, stunned dumb for a very long moment. Next to him, a freakishly tall vine-like plant towered up, up, all the way to the top of the dome. It was one of several, all littered across the vast room and faintly glowing purple, with no actual flowers that Jim could see.
"So let me get one thing straight," he said finally. "You say you need to talk to me, we come here so that it doesn't look suspicious, you keep Uhura waiting for you even though she said she wanted to have a conversation… and this is what you want to talk about? You want to… what, to insult me? Make me feel worse? Indirectly call me a slut again? Are you fucking kidding me?"
Spock looked indignant. "I did not ask you here to punish you, Captain. I merely wish to understand. I will not be able to reason this logically if I cannot understand. How could you…? You do not intend to resume your relationship with him, correct?"
"Resume…? He's an asshole! Who insulted you, and Uhura!"
Spock nodded, apparently satisfied. "And you." Jim felt like throwing his hands up in the air.
"Right! For God's sake, it was just sex, Spock. Ben and me… we were friends, sure and maybe there were benefits a few times, but I'm not like you, okay? I don't have an emotional breakdown every time I think of kissing someone else." Um, not unless that person is you. But that's irrelevant. "And you know what? I didn't have an emotional breakdown even after I'd had sex with him. Because it didn't mean anything."
Spock's face was completely remote when he replied. "Very well. I understand."
"Good."
"Nyota, then. Do you intend to pursue her again now that she and I are no longer in a relationship?"
"What?"
Jim knew he wasn't allowed to yell in here, but he came pretty damn close.
"You did harbour romantic intentions towards her for an extended time. It would not be illogical to postulate—"
"Oh my God. It wasn't… look, I don't like Uhura like that anymore. I never really… I'd have told you first, if I wanted anything with her. I can't believe you."
The plant behind him started humming sweetly and Jim flinched, startled to remember other things existed in the world besides Spock's reproaching eyes. He felt almost cornered, even though Spock was only slightly taller than him and not abusing that height difference in any visible way.
"She is a beautiful woman."
"Other—other things are beautiful," Jim said, a bit breathless. One of the pale flowers behind Spock's head unfurled its translucent petals lazily. "And anyway, I'm not that shallow."
"Why would you not desire her?"
"I just don't, okay?"
"She is intelligent, accomplished, and—"
"You love her so much, get back together with her," Jim ground out.
"I never loved her," Spock said. The confession, spoken almost like a reassurance, turned something hard in Jim's stomach to jelly.
"Well… she's not the one I kissed two days ago."
Spock stared at him.
If he could have, Jim would have stared at himself.
The silence around them was suddenly stifling. Had he just…? Did this count as…? Where the hell had that come from?
Suddenly the humming plant emitted a high-pitched blast of noise that nearly made Jim leap into Spock's arms like the princess he obviously was turning into.
"What was that?" he yelped.
"I do not know. I suspect someone will soon arrive to investigate the source of noise, however," Spock replied. He actually looked a bit shell-shocked as well, but maybe that wasn't because of the noise. Spock tended to remain cool in the face of unexpected noises. Like a rock. Or a ninja.
"Right. I should leave, I said I'd meet Bones and he'll be waiting for me," Jim said shakily.
"Very well. I shall see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, okay. Bye."
And with that he spun on his heel and left. He was so distracted and confused and panicking that he nearly crashed into a gorgeous doe-eyed blonde when he rounded the corner.
"Sorry," he said, steadying her. She was wearing a bottle-green jumpsuit over a light purple shirt, and carrying two datapads.
"I'm fine," she replied, looking slightly dazed. Her eyes were blue and freaking huge. "I was actually… um, you're James Kirk, aren't you?"
"Yes."
"Is… is Mr Spock here with you?" The little catch in her breath told Jim everything he needed to know about this girl's feelings for his First Officer. Join the club, sweetheart, they didn't have jackets yet but he might as well start designing them (they could have 'Logic RULES' emblazoned on the back). God knew there were enough members.
"Yeah, he's back there."
"Thanks. I have some questions, and he's so… um, if he has time. That would be helpful. I can't find Mara. Mara Dalle? I think you know her. She's my lab partner. Not that you… anyway, I can't find my lab-partner and Mr Spock is really helpful."
In spite of himself, Jim gave her a smile and a little pat on the head. She must be around twenty-two, but she looked like a teenager. "Just go on ahead."
"Thanks. It was nice meeting you." She stood there for a moment, clutching her PADD's tightly, seeming to steel herself to say something. "I… I have a cousin on Earth."
"Uh… okay."
She nodded. "So… yeah. Thank you. You were both so brave. You deserve to go on exciting missions and stuff, um, together, you know? I… I hope this trial goes well."
Actually darling, I have no idea what's going on between us right now which is messing up everything and everyone around us, and it seems like whenever I turn my back on my emotions they've just grown tenfold and then some, also Spock keeps acting like a possessive bastard which is definitely not helping matters even though I'm pretty sure he's completely ignorant of the fact that I'm gagging for his—
"Thank you."
She smiled sweetly and waved a little.
"Well, see you around, I hope."
"Yeah, sure. Hey, what's your name?"
"Oh, it's Leila." Her smile grew into a grin. "Leila Kalomi."
"See you around, Leila."
x
"Doesn't Spock see how ridiculous it is? I'd never get back together with Ben… we were never even really together in the first place, for fuck's sake!"
"I know. I was there."
"If we were the last two people in the universe and the survival of the Human race depended on us—"
"Jim, how would that even—"
"—I still wouldn't sleep with that bastard ever again. That's how much I hate him, Bones! I'd doom humanity!"
McCoy snorted a little and then gave a startling, bark-like laugh. Jim was sitting on one of the beds with his legs dangling by the side like a toddler, and letting his friend scan him while they talked. Thankfully it was lunchtime and the end of the large Hospital Bay where they'd secluded themselves to talk was deserted. In the distance, a doctor McCoy had introduced as M'Benga and three nurses were tending to the few patients.
"Stop laughing, I'm having a crisis here."
"You do know Spock is just jealous, right?"
That made Jim wince, as though the word were a physical blow.
"I… do you really think so?"
"Oh God, do I look like a twelve-year-old girl? Yes, I think so. I wouldn't have said so if I didn't think so, you idiot."
Jim rolled his eyes. "Look, if I'm being perfectly honest…"
McCoy help up one hand. "But not too honest."
"Not too graphic, but perfectly honest," Jim amended with a grin.
"I can live with that." The doctor nodded, satisfied.
"Great. Well, I… there might be something. Uh. We, um, kissed, actually."
"You what? When did this happen?"
Jim grinned. "Hey, remember that time when Spock and I had to shower together naked—"
"Oh my God, why did I ask…?"
"Come on grandma, we had our underwear on. And it was just this one kiss, nothing else happened. I thought we'd be okay once we'd talked about it, you know? Which we did, day before yesterday, very rationally and everything, but he told me… Spock was really torn up about it because to him these sort of gestures always mean something, right? Except it didn't mean anything with me, which is, you know, whatever, but that's what freaked him out. That he could kiss me and not feel anything and I guess that was a bit of his Human side showing and he hated that. I guess…" he tried to laugh, but it didn't really work. "…I'm just the exception to every rule, huh?"
The doctor looked very sceptical.
"What?"
"Are you sure that's what it was? He specifically said that?"
Jim frowned. "Uh, yeah. We talked about this yesterday."
"Pull up your shirt."
Jim did so. He'd decided to change into a clean blue medical shirt because his dress uniform itched. McCoy rested the tricorder against his chest for a few seconds and squinted.
"… I'm sorry, kid."
"Don't be. I'm fine. I mean, I'd be fine if he didn't start acting like an asshole when I least expect it."
McCoy raised his eyebrows, then took out a hypospray. "Spock is only mean to you when you put yourself in danger. So, okay, at least twice a week, but still."
"Well apparently now he's also mean to me when I used to have sex with Ben Finney?"
"Like I said. Sounds a lot like jealousy to me."
Jim rubbed his eyes tiredly and didn't succeed in stamping down a thin ray of hope.
"I… I honestly have no idea. But I can't let myself—" he grit his teeth. "He's obviously going through a tough time too. I know for a fact that he's not sleeping well. And I'm pretty sure, I mean, he kissed me back, so I'm pretty sure he's attracted to me at least, but that can't be easy, for a Vulcan, that can't be something he's used to dealing with, right? I thought they could just choose who they liked. Who they let themselves like. Spock doesn't seem to… at least with me, he obviously doesn't have a choice."
It made him uncomfortable to meet McCoy's shrewd gaze as he said this.
"I mean, I'll try to tone it down. Not touch him or stuff, I think would be a good start. Because of the trial and—actually that's a lie. I'll do it for him. Just for him."
"How... noble of you," McCoy said with wonder. Jim snorted, hoping to convey through that snort the amount of disdain he felt for such a ridiculous notion.
"Yeah, I'm a prince."
"Jim, you're turning into a proper gentleman."
It was really ridiculous, okay?
"Screw you, Bones."
"Just go talk to him, you girl."
And then he jabbed the hypo in Jim's neck.
"Ow! Dammit, give a poor man some warning!"
X
Jim was a lot of things, but 'hestitant' rarely applied to him.
Still.
Um, he was... thinking.
You see, he was standing in front of the door that connected his quarters and Spock's. He'd waited all day to confront Spock. He'd had time to rig the door in a very specific way for his purposes. And now was the moment, because the rooms were soundproof but he'd asked the computer for Spock's location and it had all but said: 'duh, a few feet away from you.'
He was ready. In a moment. Just... aaaany second now.
Count to three and—
He opened the door.
Spock was sitting on his bed at the far corner of the room, reading a datapad, but he looked up instantly.
"Jim." The datapad was carelessly left on the pillow.
"Hey."
Jim held up a finger, a silent 'wait, trust me', and walked all the way back to his bed, at the far corner of his room. Spock immediately understood, and didn't get up or follow him inside.
"The system will detect the open door."
Jim grinned and shook his head. "No, it won't."
"… I see."
They looked at each other quietly for a few moments.
"You are wearing the science uniform," Spock noted with a quirked eyebrow. He had to raise his voice a little for Jim to hear him, the span of both rooms substantial between them.
"Yeah. I stopped by the sickbay for the check-up Bones wanted. You should too, by the way; he said he'd strap you down if he had to. He's really into that, apparently," he added in a mock-whisper. Spock's hearing was three times better than his anyway.
He couldn't be entirely sure because Spock really was rather far away but Jim thought that maybe he saw the corner of his mouth twitch slightly.
"So listen, I—"
"I am glad you devised this way of speaking without the use of communicators, Jim," Spock interrupted. "And that you chose to speak to me at all despite my rather appalling attitude today. I… was angry."
"At who?"
Spock took his sweet time in answering. "…Myself. Most illogical, I am aware."
Jim had the sudden urge to pace, but he crossed his legs and stayed where he was. It took him less than a second to muster his resolve to ask the question. Sometimes not thinking about it was really the better option.
"Why do you care so much if I slept with Ben?"
"He is still in love with you. His mind is practically psi-null but his emotions are broadcast very strongly, and what he feels for you is very powerful. I believe resentment and jealously have warped the… goodness of his emotions, and this love is destructive, but it is still there."
Jim shifted in the bed and looked at Spock from under his lashes, unforgiving. "That's the kind of answer I'd give the Veritas device, dude. Because it has nothing to do with my question."
Spock clenched his jaw. "It is unpleasant for me to speak of these things."
Suddenly Jim was furious, and tired, and maybe a bit scared of just how much he'd let himself care about Spock's opinion of him.
"Well I'm terribly sorry, but is it worse than making me feel like crap? Because your apology leaves a bit to be desired, honestly. See, first I need to stay away from Stavok because he could try to read my mind when the guy has been nothing but nice to me and helpful to both of us. Then suddenly I'm a whore for ever having slept with Ben, oh, and let's not forget Mara and Uhura! Where do you get off making me feel like shit, Spock?"
"I realise it is not my place—"
"You're my friend, it's your place if you want it to be, but I just hoped—"
"Never. I never wish to make you feel badly, Jim, I—"
"Well, you did. Over and over. So what's it going to be?"
Spock's jaw clenched in anger. "He makes me act illogically. He angers me as few do, Jim."
Jim leaned forward, squinting to try and understand. "What are you saying?"
One fist clenched, and Spock looked up at him with a touch of exasperation. "If you cannot deduce it, I do not believe it would be a good idea for us to continue the conversation in this particular topic."
"Why not?"
"Because it may lead to things that will damage our case."
"…What?" He was on his feet before even being conscious of making the decision to stand up. "Why?"
Spock remained where he was, back ramrod straight and at the edge of the mattress, looking up defiantly. "I cannot answer this question without putting the result of the trial at risk."
Jim felt very confused. "I don't get it."
Spock murmured something that sounded suspiciously like; "You wouldn't."
"Excuse me?" Jim stepped forward, the simmering anger in his stomach only building.
"Jim, I am asking for your trust in my judgement."
"And I'm asking for yours! What, you think I can't handle whatever it is that you'd say?"
"I only doubt your intelligence in certain matters occasionally and right now is not one of those times."
"Gee, thanks for not being a jerk to me anymore today, Spock!"
Spock stood up abruptly, his right fist still clenched. "It is for your own good."
"Fuck that. Tell me and then I'll decide whether it's for my own good or not."
"No."
"I'm not as fragile as you think, dammit!"
They both strode over to the doorframe at the same time and stopped right in front of each other.
"You cannot know—"
"I know that I don't need to be protected!"
"You wish to lose, then, and be separated for the rest of our careers."
"Of course not, but—"
"Then be quiet and stop asking questions."
Okay, the schoolteacher voice was back and Jim was furious.
"Don't tell me what to do, Spock, you know that never works," he threatened heatedly.
"It will this time if you know what's good for you, Captain."
Jim banged his palm against the wall beside him. "Spock, come on."
"It should not be this unreasonable a request, Jim…"
"You're treating me like a kid again, Stavok wouldn't approve." He eyed Spock up and down without bothering to cover up his appreciation for what he saw. Spock flinched back as though burned. "Or maybe he's right and that should be lover, huh?"
"Stop."
"Tell me what's wrong."
"Is it truly impossible for you to 'let this go', Jim? Or do you believe it would be appropriate to treat you as a child?"
"You're such a mean, stuck up— "
"You are being infantile— "
"— annoying, irritating— "
Spock leaned dangerously close to the invisible barrier, his hands at either side of the doorframe. "— and you refuse to believe that someone might know what is best for you— "
"— patronising, know-it-all— "
"This is really immature of you, Captain..."
"— frigid— " Jim said loudly.
"... and you do not understand— "
"Then tell me what's happening, let me understand why—!"
He cut himself off and stared.
They were so close. Oh, so close.
Spock's breath was coming in little shudders and Jim found that he didn't want to blink because even blinking would mean having to stop seeing that awesome sight for like half a second and he was not entirely sure he possessed the ability to do so. Or would ever.
"Oh."
And so it was that he finally understood. Because he suddenly knew, with a certainty that came from somewhere between their bodies, vibrating with coiled tension (and there wasn't much space at all), that if it weren't for the invisible wall between them they would be seconds away from doing something very stupid.
Spock was implying… Spock seemed to be suggesting that if they shone a light on the problems they might discover some stuff that would make it pretty hard to act normally after.
And he knew the doubts would come later. Maybe Spock was actually saying that he knew how hard-up he had his Captain and if they discussed it it would ruin their friendship. Maybe he'd imagined it, the way Spock's eyes bore into his. Maybe it was all in his head.
But right now, he was sure. He was sure that it would lead to something potentially huge, and that it would change them in ways that couldn't be reversed. And so he nodded slowly, the tension still making it slightly difficult to inhale and exhale without having to consciously think about it, like an effort.
"Okay. You're right. Okay."
Spock blinked confusedly.
"Okay, we should just avoid the topic for now. I agree with you."
Jim took a few steps back and Spock made an aborted move forward, as though he'd been about to follow him blindly before he realised the door was still supposed to be between them, and he stepped away as well.
"Thank you, Jim."
"Yeah." He let out a shaky breath and tugged at the unfamiliar colour of the fabric he wore. He could have replicated a golden shirt at the Hospital Bay, if he'd really wanted one. But he'd wanted Spock to look at him more. "I, uh… I'm gonna shut the door now."
"That… would be wise."
Jim bent down over the controls and fiddled for a little until he got the wiring back to where it was. Spock didn't move from the doorway the whole time, that hand still curled into a tense fist.
"Okay, done. I'll, uh… I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Yes. Good night, Jim."
"Sweet dreams."
He knew his dreams might involve creative uses of syrup at some point, but would in no way be sweet.
x
Two months and twenty-four days ago...
Spock always thought that there was something rather… excessive about Jim Kirk.
When he first met the young cadet this startlingly Human observation came as unexpected to the Vulcan, but it did not disappear, because he knew it to be accurate.
As Spock got to know the man over the course of their mission, his impression of this fact only grew more firm. Jim Kirk was like a glass that overflows. The metaphor was exceedingly accurate to describe his Captain in that Jim did not limit himself to Jim, he poured his emotions unto others: his passion would animate Chekov, his bravery in turn give Sulu courage, his devoted, complete infatuation with the Enterprise gain Scotty's respect, his wise decisions in the face of danger surprise even Nyota.
While on duty, of course, this entire thought process became irrelevant. Jim was careful not to spill his energy, choosing instead to save it. Jim was serious. Jim was efficient and strong and incredibly intelligent. Jim was good for crew morale, Jim took time to help everybody.
Even Spock.
Even though Spock's patience was worn surprisingly quickly after speaking to his Captain for mere minutes. Even though Spock disagreed with Jim's impulsive, brash ideas constantly, and Jim and Spock fought, and they often ended up shouting or rank-pulling (that was mostly Jim) or, once, having to resist the urge to shove the other against a control panel in a fit of rage (that was, regrettably, mostly Spock).
For a man raised and taught to live by Vulcan logic, the tornado of force that was Captain Kirk became a distraction. Too good at making Spock's control slip from his grasp.
Too… much.
As their relationship grew into a tentative friendship, Jim's exuberance was made apparent not only in his attitude but in his physical appearance as well, becoming a source of distress for his first officer. Spock thought that Jim's movements were too extravagant, the languid grace of his body wasn't required to command a ship, his coordination, his muscle definition, all of it, unnecessary. Yet very much there. Full lips which he would occasionally, unconsciously moisten much to Spock's annoyance (since the action was obviously not imperative, yet the Captain did it anyway).
And then Jim's eyes became too blue. Although of course colours are what they are and it is illogical to say something is too blue; things are just blue and cannot be not blue enough, for example.
Even if Spock found himself comparing the Earth sky to Jim's eyes and having that exact thought.
Nyota once asked him about it. A week ago, the day after one of his and Jim's more memorable fights, she said: "Do you think Jim is attractive?"
And Spock had replied honestly. Or as honestly as he knew, at the time. "I do not. There is something… extreme about the Captain. Something overwhelming…" The word was oddly accurate, despite it not being Spock's initial intent to use it, and he paused thoughtfully, pondering the implications of his choice. Perhaps there was some truth in the fact that Jim could easily overwhelm Spock without even speaking. "…about his physical presence," he added at last, having forgotten Nyota was awaiting his response.
And she'd nodded sadly and a single tear had slid down her cheek, to Spock's utter perplexity.
That same evening she had calmly informed him of the fact that she no longer wished to pursue a romantic relationship with him, and Spock was saddened but could not summon much surprise. They remained friends.
Then, after he and Uhura had broken up, there was a joke.
"Discipline? Kinky!"
And Spock (much to his own chagrin) understood it but wished he had not, and Jim laughed somewhat self-deprecatingly because apparently, as he informed Spock immediately after issuing such a startling comment, the joke was 'bad.'
And perhaps because Spock had not exactly objected the Captain understood that this was an equivalent to giving permission for more jokes to come after the first one, and the teasing unsettled the Vulcan because when Jim said "Fine, I'm going to bed! Care to join me?" Spock had to fight the desire to exclaim, or snort, or do other such actions to express his total and utter contempt for the idea in a very Human manner, because somehow, inexplicably, there was a feeling that arching an eyebrow was not enough, that he must make it very clear that the notion was positively ridiculous to him, that he must convince Jim more absolutely.
And just as things cannot be 'too blue' it is impossible for something to be 'more absolute' than something else, which was when Spock realised that he was beginning to fall…
The bookends of this chapter have been written for AGES, and I wasn't sure whether they were going to be part of this story or not at first, but then they fit so nicely in here :)
Also, did you note the complete lack of cliffhanger? I'm SO proud of myself right now :D