IV. Help me to live.
Kanda is alive.
Kanda is alive, but he should be dead many times over. He shouldn't have been born at all. (Or was it reborn? Somehow he can't bring himself to care.)
Kanda should be dead. But he's alive, and he's got nothing to live for, except duty. He and Mugen slaughter Akuma, as he's told, because that's the reason he's been brought back to life. (There was a time when he wasn't like that, but he shuts the memory away, letting lotus blossoms cloud his sight.)
Duty. It comes first. It is his only focus, his only priority. It is the reason for his existence.
But then the Noah bring back Alma and he doesn't know what to feel. (Feel? He shouldn't feel, he's supposed to be colddeadcold. Duty, he reminds himself. Duty.)
Duty. He unsheathes Mugen, and holds it ready. Alma is an Akuma now, and it is his duty to destroy him.
"You're pretty cool now, Yuu!" Alma says, his crazed eyes wide. "What's it feel like to be the only one to survive?" He doesn't answer, but attacks, and Alma coughs blood. (It's cold and lonely and I missed you so much, did you know? And it was never your fault, Alma, never, and I wish it hadn't been like this and-)
He says nothing to Alma, for fear he will choke. Those memories he locked away have been brought back by the Noah, and he can remember so easily and Alma's alive. A tsunami of feeling comes crashing down on him, and it's all guilt and sorrow and regret and things he wasn't able to say and the one person he couldn't save. He feels like he's drowning, and now he must face Alma – comrade, friend, brother – all over again. (Death is lighter than a feather; duty, heavier than a mountain.)
He has never hated duty like this ever before. And he wonders how he was able to kill Alma the first time around, because it certainly wasn't for duty.
It's only when he is impaled by Alma's spears do the lotus flowers clear and he remembers exactly why he delivered that final parting slash to his once-best friend. (I want to find her. I want to love. I want to live.)
He wants to live. He wants to live so badly. He doesn't know what for yet, but that means he can't die here. He killed Alma once so he could live, and he'll do it a second time for the same reason. Not for duty, never for duty.
"Disappear, Alma!"
(I choose to live.)
And he loses himself to the red, bloody rage pumping through his veins and the black lightning of Mugen.
When it's all over, and what's left of Alma's body is buried deep, Kanda leans against a cracked stone pillar and ponders what to do with his life. There's duty (but he abandoned that already), there's searching for that girl (which isn't really an option since she was Alma), there's a normal life waiting (how boring…), but there's also unfinished business with the Order, and with Allen.
He remembers stabbing the white-haired boy, he remembers the Noah's awakening. Even though it was his fault, Allen had given him and Alma a way out, and an escape from the organization that had controlled their lives.
He owes Allen Walker a debt, he knows. One that Allen wouldn't have asked to be paid, but a debt, nonetheless. The problem is that he isn't sure how he can repay the boy. He struggles with his indecision for two weeks before choosing to return to the Order. Allen is one messed up kid, and the least he can do is offer his support as a fighter and Exorcist. It's a difficult decision for him to make because he's been bound to the Order for more than a lifetime; to give up his freedom is agonizing. But this time, he's not doing it for duty, and that means the world to him.
When he arrives at the Asia Branch, he meets Lenalee and Marie with a dirty face, a smile, and a snarky reply. He goes to Zu and takes Mugen, and when the Innocence melts, he brushes Lenalee aside and drinks it without hestitation. And he knows in that moment that the reason why is so much more than just a debt to be paid.
(This is my resolve; I'm not going to live for myself, nor for duty. I have tossed my duty aside- this is me, Kanda Yuu, and I have chosen to become an Exorcist because Allen and Lenalee and Lavi are my nakama, and I refuse to abandon them. This time, I'm going to live and love and laugh with them. This time, I will protect them and fight for them and live for them.)
And so he does, and Mugen is reforged with his blood.
AN: Aah! My Kanda chapter is finally finished! Extra long (for me, anyways) to make up for super short Lavi chapter!
Thanks to my sister for being my beta. Also credit to Robert Jordan for the quote (Death is lighter than a feather, duty, heavier than a mountain.)