I hear a small cough from the doorway that makes me jump.

Dumbledore is standing there and watching me intently.

"I'm glad you are awake" he says, raising an eyebrow. "I heard you have met our new resident" I frown and he continues.

"Nymphdora, will be staying with us for a while, only until she calms down and is in a state to go back to school".

I try to say something but all that comes out is a hoarse croak.

"There's lunch now if you want."

"Give me a minute"

He nods his approval and goes out the room.

The whole Tonks situation made me think. Did I look that desperate? I have a feeling she was going to do some thing stupid if I don't stop her or help her do things right. But first I have to put my own mind to rights. The charm helps the headache but it doesn't prevent my emotions from clouding up my senses. I had made some progress though. What had been before a dense fog was now slowly evolving into a light mist. James and Lily are dead. As much as it grieves me there is nothing I can do about it anymore. A corner in my mind fights this unbearably reasonable, cold part of it but I drown it out. And Sirius is in Azkaban, he killed them.

I was afraid that this feeling sorting thing would only make me realize how horrible every thing that happened have been, I have been avoiding it since I had heard the news, but now, that the inevitable had to happen, it only makes me feel better. No, it's not that I feel good, and don't miss and grieve my friends, but I have a better grip on the whole situation.

I remember better times, roaming the grounds of Hogwarts, sneaking into Hogsmead, helping each other with spells and homework, especially Peter.

Peter was always the one who lagged behind, both physically and magically, but we all knew his wits were good, although his tact wasn't always so.

That he was no more was harder to compromise. Not because my attachment to him was great but because the fact that he always didn't seem to be there made the fact he really wouldn't be there anymore just plain weird.

I resume to go visit his mother the next day. She is a very kindly woman and loves all her children very much. I am sure she will be glad of my coming.

I go downstairs to eat and find that Dumbledore is not there. Instead, sitting there, are a few members of the order - mad-eye moody, Augusta longbottom, and (need to find name) - and Tonks. Seeing the order only shows me how few of use survived this war. The pain tightens up my throat and I lose all thread of appetite.

One of the things all the marauders had in common was our appetite; we could all eat at any time, any place and nearly anything, only I mostly had enough tact not to eat in embarrassing or unsuitable situations. Could it be that now that we are not the marauders anymore, this appetite connection was gone as well? I know it is not probable but right now I need any theory that will make sense of this weird happening – me losing my appetite. Sirius always said that I didn't seem like the kind of guy how could have an appetite equal to theirs' and they will all joke that it must be one of the side effect of my furry little problem.

They all look up to me when I come in. sadness is reflected in Ms. Longbottoms' eyes, moody makes a noise that sound very much like a growl and then goes back to his plate, (anonymous) is looking at me in pity and Tonks only stares at me angrily and goes back to peeking at her food. I sit down next to her and the house elf puts a full plate in front of me. I stare at it blankly until I feel someone kicking my leg lightly. I look to my side and see tonks giving me a meaningful look and mouthing "need to talk". Her leg is warm against mine and I almost regret it as she pulls away, seeing I have got the message. I snap out of it and take my wand out, conjuring a board and a pen. She looks at the pen in wonder but soon uses her metamorphosis skills to make all her fingers longer, so she can write without it being seen from the top of the table.

Then it hits me – mad eye . So I flick my wand and write MAD EYE MOODY. Her eyes widen in realization, but she is not the only one to realize. Mad eye excuses himself and lives the room, not before leaving a message on my board. R.L- 7 AT HEADQUARTERS. I flick my wand quickly for the words to disappear before Tonks sees it.

TONKS, I WANT TO HELP YOU. I write.

THANK YOU. She writes back.

This puzzles me . Tonks was never this formal. She was mostly a cheerful, happy go lucky kind of girl, who changed through violent hair colours and her ringing laugh echoed for miles. I guess that if she was not so young, something close to my age, I would have found her quite nerving. There was always a part of her that intrigued me, something mysterious and unchangeable, not like the rest of her. Perhaps the fact that I morphed sometimes as well eased me a little. Also wierd, was the fact she allowed me to call her Tonks. She never did that before. She hated Nymphadora but I think she maybe hated Tonks more then that. She would go by the name Dora but Sirius always insisted on calling her Tonks, saying it suited her better and so naturally we, the rest of the marauders, would call her that as well. But know she doesn't seem to mind "Tonks" now. Could it be that she didn't notice or that the rule of "you ever know what you'll miss until it's gone" worked its magic on her too. I'm willing to bet on the second one.

WAS HE THIER SECRET KEEPER? She wrote to me.

YES.

THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION?

NOT UNLESS THEY WERE KEEPING SOMETHING FROM ME. Could they, would they, keep something this important from me? Probably not, unless they were hiding other things from me or they thought me the traitor. They couldn't be mad enough to think that I would betray them, could they?

I KNOW HE IS INNOCENT! HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE AS WELL BUT ALL EVIDENCE POINTS AGAINST HIM.

She hesitates for a minute. DO YOU THINK HE'LL GO MAD?

I sigh quietly. HE MAY. BUT HE IS A STRONG PERSON, HE MAY NOT.

Just then a head sprouts out of the fire and Tonks jumps.

"Have to go" she says and leaves the room hurriedly, leaving me to my thoughts. Thoughts of madness and my visit the next day.