El'Jaid slowly arose to consciousness. She took a deep breath in and her eyes darted around the room. Something wasn't right.
She quietly threw the blanket off of her, and grabbed her Pistol. Liara wasn't in bed. The room halls were a light in a bright copper, signaling the dawn. But it wasn't right.
"Liara?" El'Jaid called out as she slowly walked down the hall way, her pistol drawn but lowered to the ground.
She hit a dead end at her hallway. She didn't see Liara and the copper light had started to turn crimson. She turned back, then found her self going in to her foyer. "Are you there Liara?" She called out.
"El?" A voice called back, but it was male.
El'Jaid's heart began to race. "Who is it?"
"You don't know? How could you forget?" She walked slowly out in to the room like a wary cat. Before her on her couch she saw the back of her Father's head. His head of red hair just as fiery and disheveled as her own.
"Dad?!" El'Jaid cried out.
As the figure on the couch turned, it faded to ash and the dust rushed towards her. A ghostly voice screaming out, "Why did you sacrifice so many? You're a Butcher!"
She brought up her hands to defend against a blow, but none came. Only sweat dripping from her brow. She looked back at the couch and saw nothing.
"Liara where are you!" She called out again, turning towards the porch window. Before her she saw the vista of New Ceylon City burning. Reapers were landing everywhere.
"You think you have won Shepard. You thought you could have your life as your own."
It was Saren.
"You think they could be stopped. Your life, like mine, is forfeit. We are nothing but tools."
He was close.
"This no more a war between equals than it is between a man and an ant."
El'Jaid heard a safety click off, and the sound of a gunshot.
[][][][][][][]
El'Jaid bolted awake. Sweat pouring down her face, her pistol in her hand, shaking. Her eyes darted around the room, and fell upon Liara who stood up in bed, awakened by her scream. The Pistol fell from her hand like a lead weight to the floor. El'Jaid set her head in her hands trying to rub away the memory.
Liara came to her side as El'Jaid began to sob. She hadn't had a nightmare quite like that in weeks. The Images were nothing new, but she felt that it held a sickening truth. One that had always whispered quietly to her.
Liara kneeled next to her unsure what to do or say. She just gently rubbed El'Jaid's Arm.
El'Jaid got up and began to pace around the room. She couldn't shake off the feeling of not having a choice over her life any more. She wanted to scream. Tell the Generals, Admirals and the Council to go to hell and leave her alone. She looked at Liara and knew that wouldn't help her get what she wanted, and what she wanted was peace. She was tiring of fighting every one else's battle, and not winning any of her own.
"El?" Liara asked softly.
El'Jaid really didn't want to get in to it. It was bad enough that it was plaguing her mind, she didn't want the issues to plague Liara.
"I'm fine Liara." El'Jaid responded tersely. She was not aggravated at Liara, but at herself. She leaned against the foot stand of her bed feeling a twisted sickness, and she hung her head. She didn't know what else to do. What kind of a life can I lead now? What kind of life can Liara have with me? She asked herself, she was gripping the edge of the bed stand just wanting to tear it out.
She felt Liara's arms wrap around her midsection, her head resting on El'Jaid's back.
"It's okay." Liara spoke softly. She knew what was partially tearing at El'Jaid. The Alliance wasn't willing to give her what she wanted and justly earned. She had also seen the various groups of all species try to tear El'Jaid's image apart. El'Jaid had weathered the storm so far, but her defenses could only hold out for so long. Her squad, her friends, had always steadfastly stood beside her, but even their voices were starting to be drown out. The enormous task of repairing devastated worlds, cities, and lives toiled on without any real end in sight. It was a continual reminder of such proportion that the events of three years ago seemed to be another lifetime for most people.
"For once, I'd like to walk down a street without anyone taking notice of me." El'Jaid said relaxing her shoulders. "For just a day I would like to have my life, and not to be under a continual microscope. To not have the universe thrusted on my shoulders."
Liara just continued to hold her and listen.
El'Jaid reached for Liara's hands as she stood up. "I'm sorry... I..." El'Jaid walked away towards a window.
Liara reached out for her. "You have nothing to be sorry for."
"Just give me a moment Angel." El'Jaid requested.
She turned and walked in to the bathroom and shut the door. Liara could hear the sound of water running.
[][][][][]
A hot shower was one way El'Jaid coped with stress.
El'Jaid stripped out of her clothes and climbed in to the warm running shower. She loved the feeling of the water on her body, letting the hot stream relax and unkink the knots in her neck and back.
She looked down at her body. It was not even close to pristine or perfect. It was well toned and strong like a dancer, but on the skin there was a network of garish scars she had received. Most were from her 'rebuilding' at the hands of Cerberus. The rest were testaments to the battles she had since then. She gazed in to a mirror in the shower. Her pupils reflected an ember red and a coral blue. She had made peace with what she was. It gave her an interesting point of view on life. She had been a fully human woman once, and then in her quest to defeat Saren her mind took on the knowledge of a long dead people, which in turn became part of her identity. She had been killed, and then resurrected. No other living person could profess to know what it was like to be Human, Prothean, and synthetic.
As she washed, she thought to herself of the past day's events that had shook her to her core. The meeting that had not gone her way, then having to deal with running around in a ridiculous get up just so she wouldn't be street mobbed, and even still she had ended up having to hand a group of thugs their heads, so what good did the outfit do anyway.
The thug leader's words rang in her head The Colony slut who sold Earth out... And she slammed her fist on the shower's tile in rage.
She had been used as a tool by the Alliance at Torfan, by the Council to bring down Saren, by Cerberus to crush the Collectors, then by the rest of the galaxy to save them from a threat they didn't want to believe existed, and could never understand. In the end they hated, feared, and were in awe of what she was, what she had become, what she had forged herself in to. For that, she was shackled.
They were unwilling to let her have her own life.
She was tried of being used as a tool. She wanted her life now; she had paid her price in blood and death already. She had a promise to keep...
But she didn't know if she could do it...
She turned off the water and toweled her self dry. She shook her head. "Why is it so damn easy to get caught in the past? Why won't they let me move on? Why can't I just move forward?" She growled.
Her focus shifted to the present and immediate future. How am I going to tackle this?
She quickly changed in to a thick warm red robe. She looked at herself in the mirror and then walked out to join Liara.
Time to face the music, one way or another I guess. She mused.
[][][][][][][][][]
Liara looked out of the bedroom windows as she heard the water run. The night still hung in the air and she could tell the air was chilled with frost. She stood there, pondering a moment and then horror tore thought her. "Oh Goddess!" She patted her pockets, but her box was missing. She quickly went back to the couch where she and El'Jaid had been during the evening and was relieved to find it lying silently on the floor; and that El'Jaid had not noticed it.
She breathed a sigh as she pocketed the item again and wandered over to the counter to check her communicator. Two people had been trying to reach her over the past evening's events. Only two people even knew she was on New Ceylon. Matriarch Aethyta, and Feron.
Aethyta and Liara and over the past few years they had grown close, though it had not been an easy transition. Liara could tell that Aethyta was still embarrassed and ashamed at not having been there when she was young, and as such had turned in to a slightly 'nosy' parent. Liara figured that was a trait she herself had received.
Feron was a close associate of hers, and a good friend. She had formally handed the Shadow Broker organization over to him two years ago when the universities position on Thessia present itself. It had been a difficult choice for her. Being the Shadow Broker was a dream job, but at the same time she knew that she would have to sacrifice in order to keep it. For her that cost was too high.
She quickly strode into El'Jaid's study. The lights flicked on to a dim glow, as she retrieved the messages. As she listened they were both nearly exactly the same.
Well? How did it go?
She smiled thinly. Not according to plan... She mused as she silenced the communicator.
Liara retraced her path around El'Jaid's study. She didn't know why. Perhaps it was because it was the only room in El'Jaid's home that really spoke anything of its owner. Her eyes fell upon a corner that she had failed to see before. She walked over to a small stand. On it was a picture of Liara from the first Normandy. She picked up the frame and it quietly stared to play a tune. She did not recognize what the piece was or who was performing it. The lyrics were singing about a Guardian Angel. It must have been ancient. The Picture frame would change the image every moment or so. Images of Therum, Illos, and more of El'Jaid and Liar and others snapped to view as the music would repeat itself.
El'Jaid has always called me an Angel. Liara mused. It had taken Liara time to understand what an Angel was and what El'Jaid meant by it. It wasn't a usual pet name between lovers as far as she was concerned.
Next to it was a piece of paper. The paper had been written erased and rewritten more times than Liara could tell, and it wasn't anywhere close to a finished piece. Hand writing was seen more of an art then anything useful. The paper and utensils to do it were as rare as they were expensive. Liara read its contents in the dim light
...How can I begin to describe what you mean to me? Words fail me, yet I have to try. You have been the light that has kept me going, the harbor which has borne me peace. When all others abandoned me out of fear or hatred, you provided for me a haven.
Who else can profess to know an Angel that has truly brought them back from the dead? Who else can speak to know the ecstasy that I know? Who else can say that they are not only truly whole yet that they are also perfectly understood?
I do not know where the waves will bear me hence, but I feel no fear when guided by your undimmed light. Someday I hope to show you my soul...
Tears gleamed in Liara's eyes. She knew that deep down El'Jaid was a sensitive soul, though she did her damndest to not show it to others around her. She set the unfinished work down.
She stood there and pondered what to do. Then she remembered Samara's words, Take care of her when she is in need. She quietly thanked the wise Justicar and Matriarch.
She smiled to herself. She then realized that she was in the same outfit as yesterday. The outfit now felt grungy to her. She drifted back to the bed room and to the closet. She knew El'Jaid wouldn't mind too much if she borrowed some clothes. She had forgotten her duffle bag in the sky car, and didn't feel like braving the midnight cold to get it.
She perused around and finally decided on a pair of gray lounge pants and a white camisole. The clothes hung loosely on her, but she enjoyed their blanket like effect.
She unpocketed the box and held it gingerly in her hand.
Now is not the time for this, but soon. She smiled to herself and slipped the box back in to the pocket of her salwar kameez. Carefully folding the garments and tucking them away from easy sight.
[][][][][][][][]
Liara stood at the frame of the closet. She watched El'Jaid emerge from the bathroom and she could tell her love seemed more relaxed, as the memory of the nightmare had faded somewhat, but at the same time she was still agitated. El'Jaid reached over to a wall control turned the lights in the room to a low dim, just enough to see by.
"Hey." Liara said softly.
El'Jaid gave her a weak smile. Liara flowed over to a couch in the room and patted the empty seat beside her calling El'Jaid to join her. El'Jaid hesitantly agreed.
She reached out for El'Jaid's hand. "Feel better?"
El'Jaid dreamily smile. "Yeah."
Liara gently stroked her hand. Liara carefully regarded El'Jaid's features. Her rusty red locks that were strewn haphazardly across her face. Her violet colored lips, her bronze skin and almond shaped eyes with their striking green irises. Adding additionally to her character was the glow of faint red and blue that emanated from El'Jaid's pupils, and the dim red outline of a few scars on her face.
Most would have found that these features detracted from El'Jaid's beauty. However, Liara on the other hand found that they only enhanced them.
"What was the dream about?" She asked.
El'Jaid grimaced. The tormenting images slowing drifting back causing her stomach to twist. "I'm sorry I woke you." She said evading the question.
Liara smiled sweetly. "You can't control your dreams, they just happen. Besides it was good of you not to have the gun loaded." She teased.
El'Jaid rubbed the back of her neck and looked dejectedly at the floor. "Yeah..." Liara's soothing touch climbing up El'Jaid's arm. She turned and opened herself on the couch and El'Jaid positioned herself between Liara's legs, letting the Asari gently but firmly work her shoulders.
"I understand if you don't want to talk about it." Liara whispered.
El'Jaid took in a deep breath and slowly exhaled closing her eyes as Liara continued to rub away the pain.
"It's not that..." El'Jaid hesitated trying to formulate the right words.
She leaned back in to Liara as she held her and listened.
"You know what I dream about..."
"No, not exactly." Liara soothed. "I've seen your visions of the Protheans, and other things that slip by when we meld, but I don't ever truly see your full mind. You have had experiences most will never have. Experiences that have shaped you and have made you strong."
"I'm not that strong Liara, probably just stubborn."
"Of the later I have no doubt." Liara teased.
Liara spoke softly, carefully choosing her words, as she stroke El'Jaid's arms. Melting her aggravation away, wilting her stress. "When we meld, I see all that you are Your beauty, passion, fire. El when we join, you are completely open and willing to me. The experience is entrancing. You have a sense of passion, drive, life..."
"But..." El'Jaid interjected.
Liara smiled. "But... I also sense vulnerability. A feeling of innocence lost. You have experiences that you guard closely, which is understandable. If I were to describe you it would be like an unopened Rose. Still wrapped up, and guarded."
El'Jaid chuckled. She had never considered herself anything like a rose. But she smiled and appreciated the thought.
"Well now I understand why I'm a thorn in your side." She chided.
Liara just scoffed and shook her head.
"Why haven't you tried to peel back the petals?" El'Jaid asked amused as her hand caressing Liara's arm.
"I didn't think it was prudent to. You have your reasons for keeping to yourself."
El'Jaid sat up and leaned forward. She looked at the far wall collecting her thoughts.
I've got to do this... She thought, and she took in a deep breath.
"Love?" Liara asked.
"I've been at war Angel." El'Jaid admitted. "At war with myself." She winced. She didn't like showing that she was weak, especially to Liara, but it had come time to either put up or shut up. "I was hoping that today that I could finally be left to have my life. I've been fighting ever since I was 16 in one form or another." El'Jaid trailed off not knowing what else to say.
"Your a warrior Shepard." Liara said bringing her close.
El'Jaid shrugged her gently off, got up and began to pace back and forth.
"It's not that... It's like I'm a copy of Saren. I hear him in my dreams Angel. I hear him." Her voice was quiet; fearful.
She turned her back towards Liara, she couldn't face her and speak her mind at the same time. "He was a Specter, so am I. He saw the beacons, so did I. He was cyberneticaly altered and was brought back from the grave, and so am I. Saren was used as nothing more then a tool. I feel the same. Like a tool for the Alliance, the Council, Cerberus; hell! The whole damn galaxy! I'm tired of not having any command of my own life. It's like I'm a Captain on a ship without a rudder or sail. I just go where ever the tide takes me!"
El'Jaid wistfully turned back towards her lover. "The insane thing is that I was 'fine' with my life till I met you. I was able to deal with things. I had no one to care for or about. Yet when I'm around you, time slows down. The dint of the world turns off, and I feel at some kind of peace..."
Liara sat there; she finally started to see what El'Jaid had been hiding. This was a deep seeded ghoul that just fed on her. Her detachment from the world. It had given her a measure of protection and strength, but it was now starting to sap her dry. Liara went to her, reached out and gently stroked El'Jaid's hair away from her face.
"Why do you have such a hard time asking for help El?" She whispered, drawing El'Jaid close as she sobbed.
"The last time I did... it didn't save my friends or my family... it didn't save me." She whispered. Loss was in her eyes. Loss of family, friends, comrades. Loss of Self. The resulting dregs of unbridled rage and torment.
"Your haunted; and not just by loss it self, but of something else. Guilt perhaps. It's like your driving yourself to be better, yet you're never good enough for your self." Liara turned to face El'Jaid her face one of concern.
"You keep this sense of guilt and loss bound so tightly to you that it creates a void that you can't fill on your own. You have never fully opened up to anyone. Not even to me."
El'Jaid just frowned and turned away guilt stricken. "I told you I was crazy."
Liara wiped the tears from El'Jaid's face. "No. No your not. Nothing you can say or do that will make me think that. You can lean on me El'Jaid. You can share your heart and soul with me. You can have that freedom you deserve. Just open yourself up to me."
El'Jaid for the first time of her life felt she was on a cliff. There had been times in her life when she had fallen, other times when she had been between two walls, but never on the edge of a cliff looking in to the ether. Part of her wanted to scramble back away from the edge. The other part of her wanted to take a running leap. The thought of being free from the weight of her demon; something that she detested and clung too, both excited her and terrified her all at once.
She knew she loved Liara. Knew she wanted to be with her for rest of her life. All she had to do is let go...