Chapter 9:Calm
James and Kari made their way back to the Revenant. Marah had excused herself from their company, stating that there was some business that she needed to take care of, some things that needed to be put in order, before she joined them on the ship.
James's wasn't really sure bringing a Krogan onboard the Revenant was really a good idea, but Kari told him that Marah was very knowledgeable about engineering, she even commented that Marah might make a better Quarian that she, if she had been born on the Flotilla.
James gathered that she had talked shop quite a lot during those long hours where James was asleep, recovering from his near fatal wounds. He was glad that Kari had made a friend, even if he wasn't really sure about Marah yet. He had heard the stories about Krogan tempers and their distrust of most other species, especially the Turians and Salarians.
Most all the Krogan he had ever seen, and at a distance, were male. It was very strange to see a female Krogan outside the DMZ. James had been told that it was because of the genophage, most Krogan women stayed on their planets, trying to birth and raise their young, the very few that they could produce.
James was sure Marah had her reasons, and he could probably guess what they were, but he decided it was best not to ask. He was in enough pain as it was, without provoking a Krogan.
James reached his had to his back to scratch at an itchy spot where the doctors had grafted skin cloned from his own epidermis. The grafts that the doctors had given him had taken rather well, and were starting to mesh with the native skin on his back that had been undamaged by the Geth Plasma shotgun. Despite his progress, he the skin on his back still felt itchy and dry from time to time, and he still felt the aching throbs from his mending chest cavity.
Luckily the painkillers that Huerta had issued him took care of the sharpest pains, but he had slowed his consumption of them considerably. With no medical coverage, he couldn't afford to buy more pills, so he had done his best to make them last, only taking a dose when the pain debilitating.
It wasn't the first time something like this happened. Three years ago on an op in the Traverse on a virgin world called Virmire, James was doing some solo recon on a mountain range, looking for a Batarian slaver base when he took a rifle shot to the leg, shattering his femur.
He bandaged his leg up the best he could and applied enough medi-gel to ward off infection, but it took three days before he was rescued. During that time he had to fight off several Batarian squads, and some local crab-like scavengers, all while in intense pain. He had to ration his meds then too, but at least back then he knew that help would come, and the action provided him an ample supply of adrenaline as well which numbed the pain in its own right.
Now, he was on his own. There was no help coming, the only one he could really rely on was himself. Sure, he had friends in Kari, Tullius, and Aesha, but their loyalty to him was largely untried. They had helped him, gone far beyond what James had expected, but they were still unknowns.
Times were bad now, but when things are at their worst, that's when your real friends step up.
It was a lesson that his father had taught him, a phrase that he had repeated over and over throughout his childhood. It seemed cynical to James as a child, he tended always to believe the best about people, to think everyone would do what was right, not just what was convenient.
But, as James had matured, he saw that his father had been right. And while most people would be kind enough to you, when the shit hit the fan, you were lucky to have even one of your friends still standing at your side.
It wasn't something that really bothered James though, he knew that in the end, most people were going to look out for their best interests. It was human nature, and because of that, he had never let anyone get really close to him.
Sure he had colleges, comrades, even the odd girl he taken on dates, but never anyone he had really let down his walls for. Letting someone in was a risk he couldn't afford at time, there was always something else that required his attention, he didn't have time for distractions or emotional entanglements with others of his race.
Then again, he wasn't dealing with just humans anymore either… and with Kari he had let slip more than a few details about his personal life, as well as the fiasco that was their first encounter.
He regretted that he had lost his cool like that, especially at her. Kari had saved his life, and while there wasn't much of a life left for him, at least there still was tomorrow and the hope that it would bring something better.
It was a lot to think about. James wondered if he should be more trusting.
After all, would it be wrong to depend on others?
Maybe not… but in light of recent events, it would be better to keep both his walls and biotic barriers up.
Kari snuggled into his arm as they walked, each step taking them closer to the ship. James had noticed their pace had slowed significantly. They had been both lost in thought, although he suspected that Kari's mind was on him.
Which brought even more troubling questions to James's mind.
What the hell are you doing, Irving?
You've been down this road before, you're leading this poor girl on, messing with her emotions for what? A little comfort for yourself? Something to ease a guilty conscience? Do you really care for her…or are you just using her for your own gratification?
A voice in his mind scolded him, bringing into sharp relief the argument he had been having with himself before about building walls.
"I just want to see where it goes. She feels the same way, don't we both deserve a chance at finding something special?"
She does. You don't. You're a washed out soldier, James. A dried up piece of jerky tossed to the dogs. You're no good for her. You tried civilian life and failed: all you are good for is fighting, killing and dying for a cause. What happens if she falls in love with you and you get your dumb-ass killed on some God-forsaken rock? It'll tear her apart...
James frowned at that last bit. It cut him to the quick, James didn't want to hurt Kari, but he wanted to be with her as well. He cursed inwardly, it felt like he was about to lose another argument with himself. James was about to retort about how much he cared for Kari, but his words felt hollow even before he could think them. Had he not just decided it was better to rely on oneself? Would it not make it him a liar and a hypocrite if he suddenly changed his mind just because he wanted to be with Kari?
The darker voice in his mind saw his hesitation and pressed its attack.
And what will you leave behind? You aren't fighting for a flag anymore James, you are merc, plain and simple. Sure you might be doing it for noble reasons, but you're a sellsword none-the-less. If you die now, you will leave nothing but pain and misery behind you. You are better off alone, for her sake if nothing else.
James slowed his pace. As much as he hated to admit it, he was right. What had he been thinking last night? He should have never said anything to Kari, never lead her on. She deserved to find happiness with someone, one of her own kind: a civilian, like an engineer or a doctor, someone that would come home every night…someone that could give her children.
James could never give her any of that. He was a soldier, that was all he ever wanted to be, that was all he was ever going to be.
Kari looked up at James curiously, they had almost come to a standstill in the docking bay. The ship wasn't far away, he could see it through the bay windows.
It was still wearing the Alliance blue and white colours over most of the stern, but the hull where the ship's name had been replaced with new black armour plates that extended from the bow of the ship down half the fuselage. Painted across the exterior surface in brilliant crimson was the word Revenant.
"Beautiful, isn't she?" Kari murmured softly as she drew herself closer to James. Kari could sense that there was something bothering James, but she didn't presume to ask. Instead, she wrapped arm around James's and took her hand in his, hoping that the gesture would give him some sort of comfort.
Kari had never really close with anyone on the Flotilla. She had never held hands with someone, or kissed or anything else really, she hadn't even hugged anyone in years. Now that she was with James….well... she was eager to partake in such little gestures that she had been deprived of, whether appropriate or not, showing her affection for James made her happy.
James looked up at the ship, as if noticing it for the first time. His gaze was distant, and pensive. It looked more than a little sad as well. Kari didn't like it. She wanted him to be happy. After all, they were fixing up his old ship, and soon they would all fly away together to have some crazy adventures like the ones the elders told them when they were kids.
"Yeah…she sure is." James mumbled, a heavy regretful sigh.
Kari couldn't quite piece it together, but there was something definitely wrong with James. He looked miserable, almost as bad as when they had first met. There was a deepening pain in his eyes that worried Kari, she couldn't keep her silence any longer.
"Is something wrong?" she asked, turning to face him, her hand reaching up to gently touch his face. He leaned into her palm closing his eyes as he did. It was an unexpected response, one that Kari would have thought would make him feel better, but the look of misery on his face only tightened.
He opened his eyes and looked down at her. Kari thought for a moment that time had stopped.
"Kari…I-" he began but was cut off by a loud shout.
"Hey, Captain Bastard! Where the hell have you been all day?"
Kari and James both looked up, shocked and surprised to see Tullius bearing down on them with a wide smile on his face, he had obviously been out looking for more materials for the ship by the look of the small convoy of mechs and materials following him.
"Off gallivanting again? Seeing the sights? Well, I hope you enjoyed yourself because some of us have been hard at work, slaving away on your ship." Tullius chuckled as he slapped them both on the back, rubbing the stinging sensation in with a heavy Turian hand.
The message was clear, he hadn't forgotten about their feud earlier, but he was willing to let things slide. Both of them grimaced mildly at the sensation, but they were still somewhat dumbfounded by the Turian's lack of open hostility towards either of them. Turian's weren't really known for passive-aggressive behaviors.
James edged around the Turian to get a glimpse of what Tullius had purchased since they had been gone. There was another freightload of black armour panels on pallets that Kang's mechs were pushing into the Revenant's docking bay as well as assorted weapons, medical supplies and what looked like a massive cannon of Turian make designed for frigates.
"Do you like what I did with the ship?" he said, pointing up to the new panels and the fresh crimson scrawl on the hull.
"I thought that blue and white didn't really fit the ship's personality these days, so I had Kang requisition something more…appropriate."
James looked at Kari for a moment, she still looked at him with a worried stare, but his words would have to wait for another time.
James looked back up at the Revenant and gave an approving nod. James really did think that the ship looked better now, as she was taking on a new personality of her own but at this particular moment he would have said that a fluffy pink unicorn painted on the ship's hull looked cool if it would get Tullius's hand off his aching back.
"I like it. Sleek. Deadly. If nothing else, at least we will look scary." James noted, trying to keep his voice as even and professional as possible despite the fact that he was feeling rather miserable.
"Great! I knew you'd like it!" Tullius grinned as he removed his hand with a chuckle.
"Now, I do need to ask you about this one thing though…" he said, placing his hand on James's shoulder.
"Do you mind if I steal James for a bit, Kari?" Tullius asked, turning to Kari with an almost too-friendly smile
Kari did mind, very much indeed, but she got the feeling that Tullius wasn't going to take no for an answer, and she did want to smooth things over a bit. She nodded reluctantly.
"Okay, I'll be down in engineering if you need me." She mumbled.
"Excellent! Thank you very much, Miss Vereah."
Tullius grinned and pulled James away, leading him towards the main battery while he outlined his plan and discussed methods of how to maximize their offensive power with the credits they had. But Tullius had already figured it all out long before Kari and James came back, that hadn't been his reason for pulling James aside.
Tullius smirked inwardly,
James, you owe me big. I just saved you from the worst decision of your life.
Tullius kept James busy for the rest of that day, and the day after that as well. There was much to do, this was certainly true, but James got the feeling that Tullius was piling on to keep him busy. James didn't mind, time spent working was less time his mind had to wander into more unpleasant subjects in his brain. Yet, even as busy as Tullius kept him, he couldn't help but think about Kari from time to time, wondering if he was doing the right thing.
Would it be better to break it off with her and hope she could deal with the rejection? She didn't really seem like she had gotten on very well with her own people, she seemed to be very meek. Would ending it with Kari compound her self confidence issues?
Or was it better to end it now, get it over with before things went too far? Sure it would hurt, but Kari had some strength about her. It was very subtle, like the ebbs and flows of the ocean. It looked deceptively calm, but there was a powerful force beneath, waiting to be unleashed.
And then there was the matter of how he felt. What did he want? He had held up his walls for so long, ever since his mother died, no one had really gotten in, no one had gotten close to him.
At first it had been a way to grieve to deal with the pain, there had been no sense to her death, no greater purpose. She had just gone from existence, snuffed out. There had been nothing but blackness, a deep empty void in his soul that nothing could replace. The walls he erected comforted him, gave him solace from a harsh reality.
His father had erected his own walls, and they had drifted apart over time. It was a sad thing really, his father had always been so bright, so cheery but when Katherine died, so did that part of his father. He became cold towards everyone and everything, even his own son.
James had left Earth without saying goodbye to his father, he hadn't even come to the spaceport to see James off.
It didn't matter, James found solace in the barriers he put up, both biotic and mental when he was at Grissom Academy. It was there James learned how to be a better biotic, a soldier and an officer. He even made a friend along the way. Donald Wickham. He had been a good sort, always helping James with his homework and training exercises. They became good friends, and James was even starting to feel comfortable enough to talk to Donald about his personal troubles.
But then the Batarians came, and Donald along with so many other students died.
He had taken the loss rather hard in the following years at Grissom. He didn't socialize after that, had dedicated himself to his studies, worked on becoming a better soldier, a better biotic, a better officer. He finally understood: attachment was a weakness in his chosen profession, not when at any point that they could be asked to lay down their lives.
It was a lesson that James wished that he had never had to learn, but it was a lesson that was necessary nevertheless. It all made sense, his purpose was clear.
He was a sword: to strike down the enemies of humanity.
He was a shield: to defend those who could not defend themselves.
He was a weapon…and weapons do not feel, they do not love, they do not mourn.
But, that had been before…what was he now?
What did he want?
It was a question he could not answer, but he already had answered.
He wanted Kari.
As stupid and as idiotic as it seemed, there it was. Defying all logic, all reason. He wanted to be with Kari, he wanted to let go of the walls that had long been his fortress on the seashore of solitude. He wanted to let her in and share with her.
Hell, he wanted to let Tullius and Aesha in too, not in the same way, but it would be nice to have friends…real friends.
Yet, even as that realization sunk in, Jmaes realized it would take time. He had been walled up for too long…but it wasn't time just yet…but at least…at least he had a purpose.
But…he still needed to talk to Kari.
"Hey Tullius, I'm going to take a break. My back is killing me." James lied, his back really wasn't all that sore.
Tullius looked up from the schematics he had been going over with his omni-tool.
"Alright, but don't take too long. I'm going to need your help with these calibrations to the main gun."
James nodded in agreement, "Alright. Don't get started without me, you might cock it up." James smirked.
Tullius chuckled and shook his head, "Have a little faith, Captain."
James slapped Tullius on the back and headed towards the elevator, pulling up his omni-tool's interface as he walked. The ship's internal sensors showed Kari in the CIC, probably working on replacing the burned out kinetic barrier emitters. From what James could see, Aesha was up there too, they were both in the airlock for some reason.
James thought he had repaired the decontamination system already, it had been one of their top priorities.
Perhaps a power conduit had blown or there had been something he missed when he was running the diagnostics. Although he was usually very through when it came to ship safety…
James reached the bridge. It was still buzzing with activity. The mechs had replaced most of the damaged hardware on the bridge, now it looked as if they were installing software and running stress tests.
Even from the elevator, James could see that there was something going on over in the airlock. He could make out only the barest portion of Aesha and Kari's backs but it looked like they were talking to someone.
James closed in to investigate. He hoped it wasn't the revenue service…coming to impound his ship. Tax season wasn't for another three months…could they have gotten wind of him blowing his entire pension? It seemed unlikely, but when it came to money, bureaucrats tended to be hot on the heels of anyone that slighted them.
The sight at the door, however, wasn't what he expected. Indeed, quite the opposite, he would have never expected it in a hundred years.
It was Keira, in civilian clothes, with a gunny-sack over her shoulder and three stacked footlockers in tow behind her.
She looked up from her conversation with Kari and Aesha, causing the two of them to turn and look as well.
A wry smile parted across her features as she stared up at James.
"Got room for one more?"
"Keira, what are you-?" James stammered, both shocked and happy to see his old comrade again. They exchanged a friendly hug. He had expected her to be long gone by now, off with the rest of the team, restocking, repairing and finding a replacement for him.
"Just doing what felt right, LT. Or should I say, Cap'n?" Keira gave another of her rare grins.
"Well, we should probably be going… I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about." Aesha said, nodding to Kari that they should leave Keira and James alone for a bit.
Kari didn't seem too anxious to leave, James could see in her body language that she wanted to say something, but instead she simply nodded and let Aesha lead her away towards the war-room.
"What are you doing here?" James asked after the two had left.
Keira shrugged, "Looking for a job. I hear you might have an opening." She said, nodding towards were Aesha and Kari had wandered off to.
"Your friends seemed to think that you could help me find something." The slightest hint of a tease in her voice as she spoke.
James blinked, "But, Keira…what about the N7's? And how the hell did you get a leave of absence from Captain Hall? The bastard would hardly ever let us go on shore leave."
Keira waved her hand dismissively, that more familiar serious scowl returning to her features.
"The N7's will be fine without me and to answer your question: I didn't. Captain Hall doesn't know I'm here right now."
James's eyes went wide "You went AWOL?". Keira wasn't one to take her duties lightly, she had been one of the most dedicated, hard-assed marines he had ever known…and for her to just walk... It seemed incomprehensible.
Keira shook her head, "No. Not yet anyway. I've still got a week of leave. They won't miss me till after that and I figure your ship will be long gone by then."
Keira looked up at him, her sharp emerald eyes full of fire.
"Besides, it wasn't right what they did to you. You deserved a goddamn medal and a promotion for what you did. I can't count the number of friends that the Alliance has screwed over since I joined up. I couldn't be part of it anymore. You're a good man, LT. I d rather work for you."
James stepped back a pace or two. Not quite believing what his ears. She and James had always worked well together, they both had a similar philosophy on their service to the Alliance, and no real family ties. The only difference was that he hadn't had a choice when it came to leaving the Alliance. She did, and as much as it humbled him to think that she would do such a thing, he didn't want her to live with the same regrets he did.
"Keira…" James began.
Keira silenced him with an upraised palm.
"I know what you're gunna say, but I'm not going back to the Alliance. I'm done with 'em." She scowled, leaving no room for interpretation in her tone.
"Now you can either give me a job, or I can find work elsewhere. There's a lot of people looking for ex-spec ops soldiers these days."
It was a rather blunt and cold statement, but James recognized the meaning behind it. This was her choice, she had made it and she would live with the consequences.
James had known Keira long enough to know that she wasn't going to back down once she set her mind to something. And it would be nice having an old comrade at his side once again.
James sighed reluctantly and shook his head.
"Well…If this is what you really want…you're hired."
Keira gave an impish grin, before extending her hand.
"Good to work with you again, sir."
James took her hand and clasped it firmly in a handshake, a smile spreading across his own lips behind the mask.
"Likewise."
Kari stood over the main console in engineering. She was feeling rather lonely, ever since yesterday she had a lot on her mind, and not a lot to do. Most of the hardest work had already been done by James, but Kari was still having difficulty with some of the ship's systems.
She had kept herself busy as best as she could on what she knew how to do, but it had been some years since she had worked on an eezo core. She spent more time on the extranet looking up proper procedures than she did actually working.
It made her feel useless and stupid on top of being lonely. She wished she had paid more attention to her mother when she was instructing her on how to overhaul an engine.
After several hours of trying, Kari simply gave up out of frustration. She sat down on one of the storage boxes and simply stared at the floor for the longest time.
She wanted to talk to someone, anyone. She needed to feel like she wasn't alone in the universe, beating her head against a wall. Kari decided to try to call the fleet.
She opened her omni-tool and set the options to vidcall. She looked down the list of contacts that were currently available. Most of them were greyed out, except for that of her father, who always kept his omni-tool on and Lia'Raan. She didn't particularly feel like talking to her father right at this moment, and he would probably just be busy anyway.
Kari tapped the display, initiating a call to Captain Lia'Raan. There were a few moments of static before the tiny picture of Lia's visor appeared on her omni-tool's holoscreen.
"Kari, is that you? Good to see you." Lia said warmly upon seeing Kari's visor in the vidscreen. She looked as if she was sitting at her desk in the Captain's cabin, likely going over reports when Kari's call had come in.
"Good to see you too, Lia" Kari said pensively.
Lia's body language shifted in response to Kari's voice, noting that something wasn't quite right.
"Why haven't you called? Are you alright? Your father keeps asking me if I've heard from you."
Lia'Raan was one of the twin daughters of one of the Quarian Admiral Shala'raan. The three of them had been friends when Kari was younger, in the days before she started to drift away from her father and mother.
Lia only a few years older than Kari's, but she had already been given command of one of the Flotilla's frigates, and her sister Ria was the chief engineer on the Kfira.
Lia and Kari's father worked together quite a lot, and when couldn't be present at the ceremony before the start of her pilgrimage, he had asked Lia to take his place.
Of course, he had apologized to Kari, stating that as much as he wanted to be there, the needs of the fleet came first.
But she had heard that same excuse for the last seven years, Kari had gotten used to the idea that her father wouldn't be around by now. Her mother was much the same way, although she didn't even try to explain her actions to her daughter, she just wasn't there.
Needless to say, it came as a mild surprise to Kari that her father was wondering where she had disappeared to over the last three weeks.
"I-I'm sorry. I f-forgot to c-call." Kari stammered, as she realized what she had done.
Of course her father would have been worried, she told her parents that she was almost finished with her pilgrimage and would be coming home soon. Couple that with the news of the Geth attack on Eden Prime, and it would be enough to make anyone worry.
Lia raised a hand dismissively,
"Don't worry about it, Kar. It's fine. I told him that you probably were just busy or the like. He just misses you, you know?"
Kari blinked, her father hadn't exactly been around a lot since her teenage years…and when he was they hardly talked. He was always encouraging her to work on her drills or study military tactics. Apply for positions in the flotilla that would give her good experience for a command of her own one day.
They never really had just talked. At least, not like they used to.
"He does?" Kari asked, more than a little surprised at the revelation.
Lia nodded, "Well, yeah. He speaks highly of you every time we talk. "
"Oh..." Kari murmured, looking down at her feet sheepishly. She had always assumed that her father simply forgot about her when he was at work.
Lia was light-years away and only could see the smallest portion of Kari's visor but she could tell that the subject was making Kari more than a little uncomfortable.
"But enough about that, how have you been, Kar? Staying safe, I hope?"
Kari looked back up the hologram of Lia's visor.
"Y-yes. I have been on the Citadel."
Lia edged forward in her seat.
"Oooh, that must be fun. I wanted to go there when I was on pilgrimage, but it was too far. What's it like?"
"Massive." Kari said, a little awe in her voice. "I spent most of my time in a hospital on the Presidium, and there was so much free space…you wouldn't believe it!"
Lia's eyes blinked,
"Wait, hospital? Did you get hurt?"
Kari realized that in her excitement she had let a bit too much slip.
"Um. No, I'm fine…I was…visiting someone…." She mumbled, her cheeks starting to fluster a bit.
She didn't know quite what Lia would think of her current situation, and she certainly didn't want news of her interest in James getting back to her parents.
"Oh? Is the person you were visiting okay?" Lia asked sympathically.
"Yes, he's okay." Kari admitted.
"He? Hmmmm…" Lia hummed suspiciously.
"What?" Kari blurted defensively.
"Oh…nothing." Lia answered innocently, but Kari could tell that she was smirking behind her visor.
A moment of awkward silence passed between Kari and Lia on the vidcom before Lia leaned in closer to her omni-tool.
"Is he cute?"
"Keelah!" Kari cried out in embarrassment, causing Lia into a fit of laughter.
"Oh Kari…You haven't changed a bit have you? It's far too easy to get over on you." Lia smirked as Kari covered her visor with her free hand.
"I hope your new friend hasn't been keeping you too 'busy'." She giggled.
"N-no! I-it's n-not like that! W-we j-just…"
Lia raised her hand to stop Kari, although she was still chuckling softly as she spoke.
"Don't worry about it, Kar. Your secret's safe with me…but I'm curious…"
Lia smiled, leaning forward in her seat like a schoolgirl latching onto a piece of gossip
"Where did you two meet, what is he like?"
Kari wasn't sure quite what to say. She could lie and deny the whole thing, or say that they had met somewhere that might lead Lia to believe that her new friend was a Quarian on pilgrimage as well.
But Kari was a terrible liar, and to deny her feelings for James felt like a betrayal.
"He rescued me from Eden Prime. He risked his life to save us from the Geth…" Kari whispered reverently as she spoke.
"He's strong, and handsome, and tall and brave and selfless… I-I've never met anyone like him before, Lia." Kari bowed her head her eyes were beginning to water a bit.
"And he wants to be with me..." Kari gave a half-sob, half-chuckle. "Silly…isn't it?"
Lia put her hands down in her lap, shaking her head in admiration. She had expected something a bit more tawdry or more reserved. She had never known Kari to be one to lightly give affection. Whoever this was must had made one hell of an impression on her.
"Wow. He sounds amazing…you care about him a lot." Lia observed in quiet deference.
"Yes. He is…and I do…but I don't understand why he would want to be with me." Kari admitted sadly.
"Why not? You're a great girl: smart, talented and pretty…any guy would be lucky to have you." Lia observed.
"I'm not…" Kari mumbled.
"Yes you are. Just because you like tinkering with plants instead of tech doesn't make you a dumb person Kar. It makes you unique and special. You deserve to be with someone that makes you happy." Lia said, smiling behind her visor.
Kari shifted in her seat nervously.
"To be honest I'm a bit jealous…"
Kari turned her head inquisitively.
"Of what?"
Lia chuckled, "Of you, of course."
Kari really couldn't believe that. All throughout her growing up years, Kari had envied Lia. She had a proclivity for leadership that Kari lacked and her sister had turned out to be a technical whizz.
Kari had always wished to be like them, to have their drive, passion and certainty of purpose.
Why would Lia be jealous of her?
"I don't understand." Kari admitted.
Lia eyes softened a bit,
"You are good at so many things, Kari. You may not think so, but you are. I've only ever been good at being a soldier. It's all I know, I could never be anything else… but you… You have so much talent. You can do anything you set your mind to: I wish I could be like you."
Kari sat there silently for a moment. The sound of the drive core's thrumming heartbeat the only sound in the room as Lia's word sunk into Kari's mind.
"T-Thank you…" Kari murmured at last.
She didn't really believe all the things Lia had said about her…but she believed that Lia was telling her the truth. And that gave her some comfort.
"Anytime." Lia's eyes seemed to smile warmly at her.
Kari wanted to say something, to tell Lia how much her words meant to Kari, but she couldn't find the words to say.
"I've got to get back to work…but call your father sometime. I know it would mean a lot to him."
Kari nodded.
"I will…and…Lia." Kari paused, a moment of lucidity breaking the torrent of her rushing thoughts.
"Hmmm?" Lia looked up curiously.
"Thank you…for being a better friend that I have been."
"Kari. You have been a great friend to me. You just need to realize how extraordinary you are."
Kari couldn't respond to that…she just nodded quietly.
"I hope to see you again soon, Kari. Keelah Se'lai."
"Keelah Se'lai."
Kari closed her omni-tool's interface, sitting back against the bulkhead. She stared up at the ceiling as bulkhead vibrated softly against the back of her head.
She didn't see the shadowy figure that had been standing just outside her field of vision…nor did she see it when it quietly slipped off into the darkness of the Revenant's corridors.
Kari was too deep in her thoughts, in considering Lia'Raan's words. Lia was right. Kari had spent too much time trying to be what she thought her father and mother wanted her to be. Too much time trying to be something she wasn't. She might not be the perfect daughter or the perfect lover but Kari wanted to be the best she could be for the ones she loved.
Kari opened her omni-tool's interface again, slipping her finger down the list to a file she had named "EPPD", copying it and pasting it into her vidcom app.
With a trembling finger, Kari tapped the name "Zevi'Vereah vas Vanya."
The calling button flashed only twice before the screen gave way to the stern, and powerful figure of the Captain of the Vanya.
"Kari?" the strong voice of her father caught up in both surprise and relief as he realized who was on the other end of the call.
Kari smiled affectionately.
"Hi, daddy."
James slipped away quietly. He had been listening to Kari's conversation for long enough. He had come down to engineering shortly after he had helped Keira settle in down in the landing bay. She had brought her own kit and weapons along with her as well as some extra firepower and equipment that she "liberated" from the N7 armoury. James had protested at first, but Keira had assured him that she had left more than an ample supply of credits to make up the difference for what she had taken.
James wasn't sure if she was telling the truth or not, since the custom made weapons for the N7's were rather expensive, but he thought that pressing the issue wouldn't be wise. And as much as he didn't like the idea of anyone stealing for him, he had to admit that the stuff she had brought along was sorely needed.
After Keira had gotten to work, James made his way to the engineering deck. He still needed to talk to Kari after all, it had been the original reason he had left working on installing the ship's main cannon.
But when James had entered the room, he noticed something strange. Kari was talking to someone on her omni-tool. A vidcall back to the Flotilla from the look of it. It was strange, James had never seen Kari talking to anyone from her home before and while his mother had taught him it was rude to eavesdrop, James couldn't help his curiousity.
He lingered in the shadows as the scene played out. He couldn't really hear everything that Kari and the girl on the other end was saying, the steady thrumming of the drive core muffled out some of her words, but it sounded like Kari was talking about him.
"He rescued me from Eden Prime. He risked his life to save us-"
They were talking about him, the revelation peaking James's interest. He drew closer to hear the conversation better.
"He's strong, and handsome, and tall and brave and selfless… I-I've never met anyone like him before, Lia."
James felt a lump catch in his throat. He had never heard anyone talk about him like that before… at least not in that way. There was a silvered tone to Kari's voice, as if she was describing something from a dream or a vision, like she couldn't really believe that he was real.
"And he wants to be with me...silly…isn't it?"
That one hurt. James looked down at the floor in shame. How easily he had fallen into the trap of doubt and self-pity. In his weakness, he had almost shattered the hopes and dreams of a beautiful girl that wanted nothing more than to be with him.
She deserved so much more than he…but, James wasn't going to make the mistake of letting her slip through his fingers. He would have her, if she still wanted him.
James slipped off into the shadows, even before the call was over. He had heard all he needed to hear.
The rest of the week went pretty well for the crew of the Revenant. Things had seemed a whole lot better for Kari since she had talked to Lia and her father. During their call, she sent him the data she had gathered on Eden Prime, told him of her plans to stay aboard the Revenant for a time and finally admitted to him that she wanted to be a biologist. He took all the news rather well, listening patiently while Kari rambled on for what seemed like hours.
When she had finished her piece, Zevi finally spoke:
"Kari. You know you could have told me, I would have understood." Zevi cooed in that warm voice that Kari remembered from her childhood: the same voice that scared away the monsters from underneath her bed and banished the shadows from their inky perches.
"I-I didn't want to disappoint you." Kari muttered, bowing her head in shame. She had never wanted to hurt her father, but it seemed that despite her best efforts, she had accomplished just that.
"Kari…you could never disappoint me. You're my daughter. I will always be proud of you." Zevi looked off screen for a moment, pensively as if gathering his thoughts.
"I'm sorry…if I lead you to believe otherwise. I know I haven't really been there these last few years…." Zevi sighed regretfully.
"N-no i-it's okay. I understand…" Kari began, but Zevi held up his hand to stop her.
"No, Kari. It's not okay. I have let my work interfere with what's important. The Fleet has had to come first far too often for our family. Your mother and I have decided that it's time to make a change. "
Zevi back to his daughter, his eyes showing the smile that was forming behind his visor.
"Things will be different when you come back from pilgrimage, I promise you."
Kari grinned a bit, recalling how he had missed her seventh birthday after promising to be there. He had taken an entire week's shore-leave to make up for his indiscretion.
"Don't make promises you can't keep, dah-dah." She chuckled fondly at the memory.
Zevi chuckled as well. He remembered that week as well. It had been the only time he had ever broken a promise to his daughter. It was a mistake he had sworn never to make again, no matter what.
"Don't worry, little bird. I won't forget." Zevi reassured.
Kari smiled at the nickname. He hadn't used it in years.
"I love you, dah-dah."
"I love you too, Kari. Stay safe."
Yet despite everything that Kari had told her father, she hadn't mentioned her relationship with James to him. She wondered if perhaps that had been a mistake, after all, he seemed to be very understanding of her desires.
Kari felt unsure, unsteady…as if the whole thing might have been some half remembered dream. She still was uncomfortable about what had happened last week in the docking bay.
James had wanted to say something to her, something that bothered him to the deepest part of his soul. She had never seen that much pain in his eyes before, not even directly after his surgery. Tullius had cut him off before he could express what was on his mind, but Kari had the feeling that it was in regards to her.
James had been by a few times since then, but they hadn't really had a chance to talk since that day.
Perhaps he was going to tell her that it couldn't work out between them? That there was another woman in his life now? Perhaps that human girl that had shown up the day after?
Kari felt her stomach churn at the thought, her lunch threatening to reacquaint itself with her lips.
The thought of another woman's arms around James made Kari's blood boil, and yet at the same time it made a deep empty pang of what felt like regret…but much deeper and distant in her soul. Sorrow perhaps, but longing as well.
Whatever it was, it was a messy emotion, and the more she thought about James in that Keira woman's arms…the more overwhelming the sensation got.
"You okay?" Marah grunted as she looked over from her console.
Marah had joined them on the crew just a few days ago. There had been some initial friction between her and Tullius when she came aboard, there having been a lot of bad blood between their species, but Marah had settled into working on the ship's systems next to Kari down in Engineering splendidly. She was a technical whizz, and had done in a few days what would have taken a Kari a week to stumble through.
"Yeah. I'm fine. Just a little sick to my stomach." Kari muttered, trying to look as if it was nothing more than a stomach bug.
"Did you try to eat that human garbage again? What did you call it? Ice-cream? I told you sweet crap like that will make you soft." Marah grunted, a wry grin on her face.
"No…" Kari mumbled, "It's not that." She wasn't really in the mood to banter at the moment, images of James in bed with other women disrupting her concentration.
"What is it then?" Marah asked, turning her head from her console to look up at Kari to study her.
Kari didn't know if she should say anything. In all honesty, she wasn't even sure she could. James and her hadn't really done anything to warrant a relationship. They had hugged a few times, snuggled a lil bit, but they hadn't even kissed or….
Kari grimaced. She really had no claim to James, nothing that she could really latch onto to defend her feelings. They hadn't made love, or made out or even linked suit environments.
Hell, they hadn't even known each other for more than a month. She was being stupid, and childish. If James had lost interest in her, then maybe she just shouldn't say anything at all. She should just let him be happy and stay out of his way.
Talking about it with Marah wasn't going to help, if anything it was going to make it worse. Kari shook her head and looked up at Marah with a sad smile.
"I'm fine. Just some bad nutri-paste." She said in the sincerest voice she could muster.
Marah stared at Kari with an unbelieving scowl, but she nodded.
"Alright. It's your business, but if you want to talk or need a few skulls cracked, don't hesitate to ask."
Marah gave a grim grin as she patted the Quarian on her back.
"Especially if it's that Turian that's giving you a hard time."
Kari smiled a little despite herself. She remembered how Marah had head-butted Tullius when she first came on board. Kari hadn't caught exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of being "full up on crazy."
Of course Tullius had meant it as a joke, but Kari got the impression that Marah was the type to look for an excuse to rough up species she didn't care for.
"Tullius is a good guy. I think you should give him a chance." Kari reflected, despite remembering some of the nasty things that he had said about her people a week ago.
"Heh. Maybe so," Marah chortled, "but I do enjoy giving smart-mouth Turians a little something to think about."
Kari giggled, "I think you more than did that. Did you hear him wailing about his nose?"
Marah laughed boisterously, "I think the entire ward heard him."
Kari nodded, "He's such a drama queen."
"Eh, he'll be alright. In fact, I think it's an improvement."
"Talking about me again, eh?"
Kari and Marah had been too preoccupied to notice James enter the room. Kari pivoted quickly on her heels to turn and face him, her face going flush with embarrassment as she realized that James had heard them talking bad about his friend.
"James! W-when did you c-come in?" Kari stammered as she looked up at him. Those violet eyes of his were regarding her with the same intensity as they had the night the night that he had first expressed his interest in her.
Kari shifted uncomfortably and looked down at his chest sheepishly. She didn't want him to see her pining over him. If he really did want to have someone else, then she shouldn't let her feelings for him get in his way.
"Just now." he smirked. He had heard everything she had said about Tullius, but he didn't really mind. That's not why he was here anyway.
Kari noticed by the look of his coat that he wasn't wearing his full environment suit today, just the mask and the overcoat. Kari secretly wished that she could discard her suit whenever she wanted to.
"Irving." Marah nodded to James respectfully.
"Marah." James returned the gesture.
He looked back to Kari and then at Marah again before he spoke.
"Do you mind if I take Kari off your hands for a bit? I need to discuss a few ship upgrades with her."
Marah shrugged and gave a curt nod.
"Fine by me, we were just screwing around anyway, drive core's good-to-go."
"Glad to hear it. We may need to leave in a hurry, the CNN says that the Citadel is tightening security: something about a possible terrorist attack."
Marah shrugged again, "Eh, those pyjaks are full of hot air, but if C-Sec comes snooping around here…."
James nodded, "Aye. In any case, be ready."
Marah nodded, "Will do."
James turned his attention back to Kari.
"Kari, would you come with me please?"
Kari felt her heart sink into her stomach. This was it. James was going to tell her he wasn't interested anymore. Kari prepared herself. She followed behind James as he led her to the lift, pressing the interface to take them to deck 1: captain's quarters.
Kari was thankful for that at least. If he was going to drive a stake through her heart, at least it would be in the privacy of his quarters rather than in someplace public.
The lift door opened, and the faint hiss of compressed air escaping. Kari noticed that in the room just outside the captain's cabin had been modified heavy. While before there had only been bare walls and bulkheads, the soft red lights of a decon chamber that glowed with a soft iridescence as barely visible beams passed over James and Kari.
Kari thought it curious, for James to have installed a decontamination unit just outside his quarters. It made sense she supposed, due to his condition. Something as small and benign as a common cold could make it extremely difficult to breathe even with his mask.
The door opened and James extended his hand, signaling that Kari should go in first. Kari swallowed hard, but she proceeded into James's quarters as she was bade. As she stepped inside, the first thing Kari noticed was the sudden warmth that seemed to crash in.
The once barren room was now filled with sights and sounds that seemed to all flood in at once. There were several new pieces of furniture in the room, including a glass table, a pair of modest but stylish chairs and several paintings hung on the wall. All depicting pastoral and natural scenes of what Kari assumed was James's homeworld.
The room itself was dark, except for an array of candles which served to illuminate a long swath fabric that was hung like a tapestry over the longest section of wall to Kari's left as she came in. It had intricate patterns of swirls and crests that looked like the waves of an ocean. The flicking light of the candles cast up long shadows over the fabric, causing it to shift in colour from a deep purple to a navy blue as the waves seemed to come alive in their own ebbs and flows.
Kari broke her gaze from the tapestry to look the glass table which she had noticed coming in. It had place settings for two and several dishes that looked to be containing food. There were two glasses at the table as well in the shape of a bell.
It looked like James was expecting company.
Kari was not exactly sure what to make of the entire set-up. It was very beautiful, and Kari felt a pang of longing as she beheld the scene. But it was more than a little inconsiderate if James had brought her up here to break it off with her shortly before having dinner with someone else.
Kari turned to James slowly, but before she could say anything, she noticed that James wasn't wearing his overcoat anymore. He was wearing a dress uniform… simple navy blue fabric with gold trim that Kari had seen the Alliance officers wear. The "dress blues" as they called them.
But most importantly of all: he wasn't wearing his mask anymore.
James grinned at her. It was the first time Kari had seen his face…his full face, with nothing in the way. No respirator, no helmet, no gas-mask. Just the warm smile of the human that she had grown so fond of.
And then it hit her.
He had done all this for her.
"How do you like the new decorum?" James asked, trying to hide the mild discomfort of having to suck in a lot more air than he was used to. Even though the room was set to a comfortable 760 Torr, it felt like standing on the top of Mount McKinley.
"I thought since we really hadn't had any time together this week, perhaps you might like to join me for dinner?"
James asked, extending his hand towards the glass table in an offer.
Kari stood there staring at James for the longest time, just watching his labored breathing and sheepish smile as he waited for a response from her. Kari felt a tear slide down her face as she realized just how stupid she had been for doubting him.
Kari stepped forward, towards him, too overcome by emotion to speak. She wrapped her arms around his back and pulling him into a tender hug as she laid her head on his right shoulder.
"It's perfect. Thank you." She whispered tenderly.
James let his own arms fall around Kari's back, settling into that perfect spot around her hips, the warm fabric of her suit shifting under his fingertips ever so slightly.
"I would have put on music, but I didn't know what you liked…and I thought that perhaps you would want to talk and…."
James felt something shift, Kari's right arm dropped away and he heard the soft clunk of something metallic hitting the floor.
"Kari? What are you doing?" he asked, turning his head slightly to the right.
"Something I've been wanting to do for awhile." She stated simply, and turned her face to his.
And James felt lips on his, tender and soft, sweet and gentle.
And for that moment, James forgot about everything.