Hey guys - Sorry for the delay, I've been crazy busy.
On the bright side, I got to watch The Avengers again so I got some more inspiration.
I know its far off in the future but I can't wait to see watch happens in the movieverse with Clint and Natasha. There was definitely hints at something more between the two. As a follower of Joss Wheden through all his shows I noticed that he never hints at a relationship without following through on it so there has to be some hope that the two will together in other Marvel movies if Joss stays with them - which I hope he does.
Anyway, I digress. This chapter was really hard to write and I'm still not sure if I'm 100% happy with it. But if I keep reading and editing it, I'll never post it.
So here it is, I hope you like it.
The meeting went pretty much as Clint expected.
The entire team, minus a noticeably absent Bruce, looked furious at the situation as the council members revealed the purpose of the meeting was to discuss the actions that led up to Clint and Natasha's abduction and the ramifications of these events on their further work with SHIELD.
To their surprise and disappointment the council divulged that Loki had been able to recruit several members of SHIELD who disliked the attention the new Avengers initiative had received and they had been central to his ability to kidnap Clint and Natasha off of SHIELD property.
So they were men, Clint thought as his stomach turned at the thought of his own teammates betraying them in such a hideous way.
Clint's jaw remained fixed as the council questioned the validity of their partnership now that their relationship was exposed. They chastised Fury for allowing them to work together even after hints of the extent of their partnership were surfacing and for not taking action against Natasha for breaking protocol during the time Clint had been brainwashed.
Fury had on his usual poker face during their entire diatribe and Clint could tell from the look in his eyes that he wanted to break in several times and tell them what a stupid ass conversation they were having but knew that it was better that he remained quiet until the council had spoken their piece. Clint could also tell from the look Fury gave him that the less the two of them said the better.
Anger was really setting in and fogging Clint's mind as he tried to keep his focus on the events in front of him and he began to understand why Bruce decided not to attend. He felt his brain shorting out as his consciousness blurred a few times and he shifted his eyes around to view the rest of the people in the room in order to keep himself grounded in reality
Tony couldn't contain his disdain for the meeting and although he too remained silent from the exchanges between the council members, he couldn't stop his eyes from rolling dramatically at several of the comments.
Steve looked incredibly remorseful and he kept stealing worried glances at them, shifting his seat uncomfortably and running his hand through his hair.
Thor's face was serious but he did look a bit confused about some of the things the council was saying and Clint wondered how much of Earth's customs were still alien to him.
Maria's stance betrayed nothing but a professional demeanor, mouth set in a thin line and eyes fixed on the screens but Clint could see a hint of sadness in her face. He felt she disliked him and had never quite forgiven him for shooting at her and Fury on the day of Loki's arrival in New Mexico, no matter what the extent of the situation was. But she had been with them at SHIELD for a long time and although she and Natasha were never what you would call friends, they were both strong women in a male-dominated organization and they had a deep,mutual respect for each other.
Natasha. He looked over to his side, her eyes were set, staring out blankly in front of her. She didn't look upset or angry or sad, she was just there, he couldn't even tell if she was hearing anything that was going on. Clint felt red begin to creep in behind his eyes as he thought about how wrong it was that they were here, in this meeting, instead of somewhere far, far away, healing from the horrible situation that had just transpired not 24 hours ago.
Natasha's blank stare and one of the council member's question of whether Clint was still in allegiance with Loki caused his anger to boil over and he couldn't stay silent anymore.
"That's enough!" He exploded, standing up in his chair and causing most of the people in the room to jump, "Natasha and I have just been through hell and you're questioning my allegiance to SHIELD, to her?" He gestured in Natasha's direction.
Someone started to speak but he ignored it as his mind rushed with the white noise of anger and he decided to lay everything out in the open.
"Yes, we're together but Natasha and I aren't just involved in some casual relationship, we're married. We have been for years. And that baby she lost..that was my child, I was the father." He could hear his voice crack as he said this and he looked at Natasha, she was staring up at him, eyes wide and mouth open, frozen still.
He went on, "Loki used our relationship against us, you're right, I can't deny that, but before he came along no one ever had even an inkling of an idea of how involved we were. We were the perfect spies and assassins and we played our roles on whatever missions we were sent on and we worked so perfectly together because our relationship was built on such a solid foundation of trust." He swallowed hard and went on, "But nothing we were ever trained for could have helped us prepare for that situation, magical powers and aliens. But we never betrayed SHIELD, there wasn't even the option to. This was all about revenge, and vindication. And he succeeded." He finished quietly.
"Brother Barton," Thor broke in, "I am sorry for the behavior of my brother-"
Clint put his hand up, "Don't….I know and I don't blame you."
"Agent," One of the councilmen interrupted, "As much as you would like to justify it, your relationship put this entire organization at risk. SHIELD members were recruited by Loki for the purpose of taking revenge on members of the Avengers. You knew you had been compromised after the events at New York yet you continued to keep the organization in the dark and work with us as if nothing had changed."
I've been compromised, Clint remembered Natasha saying after she had knocked Loki's hold off of him. He wasn't about to admit it out loud but the council member was right, they had been compromised. They took safeguards to keep their relationship a secret because they knew how dangerous it could be if the wrong person found out. They should have left after the Tesseract incident, they shouldn't have banked on the idea that everything could go back to the way it was, that it was that easy for things to remain the same.
"This is so totally unfair," Tony finally blurted out, "The events in New Mexico and New York didn't happen because of Robin Hood and spiderwoman, they just got caught in the crossfire. Loki could have picked any SHIELD agent to mind control with his spirit stick and Clint just happened to be there, as Fury's right hand man on one of the most important…and misguided..undertakings this organization had ever embarked on. He was..is a trusted agent and that's why he was at Fury's side then and that's why he happened to be the one to get mind controlled." He let out a breath, "Whew, that felt good. I almost went crazy staying silent so long" He turned to Steve, "I almost gave myself an aneurism there."
"Circumstances notwithstanding, Clint and Natasha were in the middle of this situation and the reason for a massive security breach on the helicarrier. Their emotions clouded their judgment and they missed the warning signs that should have been there-"
"No," Clint interrupted, sick of all the back and forth, "We've just been through hell, we just experienced a terrible loss that we've had no time to mourn over and we are not going to sit here while you guys discuss our worth to this organization. So here's what's going to happen: Natasha and I are taking a leave of absence, indefinitely." He looked at Fury while he said this, waiting for his response, Fury nodded. "We're leaving, now, and no one will follow us. No one." He emphasized, looking at the rest of the team as he grabbed a hold of Natasha and gently pulled her up out of her seat.
"Agent Barton," a female council member began, "This decision is not up to you-"
"It damn well is," Fury broke in, "As their immediate boss I grant their request and postpone any decision making until the two are fit to return." He gave Clint a look that clearly stated, LEAVE NOW and Clint didn't hesitate, practically shoving a shocked but silent Natasha out of the room as Fury continued to hurl arguments back at the incensed members of the council.
"Is your bag in your room?" Clint asked Natasha once they were out in the hallway, he knew she kept an emergency bag packed in case a situation came up requiring her to leave immediately. She nodded blankly.
Because he wasn't about to be split up with her now, they both went to her room and then his to grab his own emergency duffel and his bow. He heard someone come up behind them and spun, hands up and ready to strike.
Tony held his hands up in surrender, "Whoa, it's just me."
"I said not to follow us," Clint growled.
"I know, I'm not following you, I just wanted to give you these." He held out a set of keys. "My Range Rover." Clint hadn't even thought about the fact that they didn't have transportation; he was so fixated on getting out of there.
He looked at the keys suspiciously. "There's no tracker on it." Tony said, Clint still didn't take them, "I promise."
The earnest look in the billionaire's eyes gave Clint the reassurance he needed as he reached out for the keys. "Thanks." He said quickly before turning back to Natasha and grabbing her hand, leading them out of the headquarters.
She was silent in the car the entire way. They stopped at a department store on the way out of Los Angeles and traded their SHEILD gear for nondescript jeans and t-shirts, the former ending up in a garbage can, along with their cell phones. Even though Tony's promise seemed genuine Clint still did a quick sweep of the Range Rover to make sure there weren't any hidden bugs or tracking signals that could give them away and just to be on the safe side he disabled the satellite radio.
The safe house he was taking them to was as out of the way as possible in a rural part of Oregon and it would be a long drive but Clint felt like he couldn't get there fast enough. It didn't seem like anyplace would ever be far enough but he knew this house was secure, so it would work for now.
He looked over at her, at the bruise forming on her cheek and he wanted to reach over and touch her. To run his finger over it and tell her everything would be okay. But he knew he couldn't. It didn't feel like things would ever be okay again. Clint kept playing the events over and over in his mind and he just couldn't rationalize why they happened. How Loki got out, how he had gotten a hold of such a powerful energy yet again. How he knew about Nat and the baby.
The baby.
For one moment Clint felt happier than he had in his entire life, only to have it robbed of him in the next.
They drove for hours in silence, stopping only to get gas, coffee and some food. Clint could feel fatigue kicking in as his mind went cloudy from the past few days and he knew he would need to eat something to continue the drive. He toyed with the idea of stopping at a hotel for the night but he didn't think he would feel comfortable until they were at his safe house.
As he was paying the gas attendant he realized that this was the first time he had been separated from her since the night before and he felt a strong urge to get to her as soon as possible. When he came back to the car he noticed she had pulled on a familiar looking gray sweatshirt of his and he felt a small amount of reassurance at the back of his mind that she had felt his absence as strongly as he had felt hers.
It was late into the night when they finally pulled up in front of the house, well cabin really, that was small and isolated in a wooded area. He looked over at Natasha as he took the keys out of the ignition. She looked small and more vulnerable than he had ever seen her, practically wrapped up in a ball, with his old sweatshirt swallowing her. She looked over at him and Clint almost broke down on the spot. Her eyes were empty, dead. No emotion betrayed. He had never seen that in her. When the hunt for her had started, all those years ago when she appeared on SHIELD's radar, he had dealt with other girls from the red room. He could always pick them out, their eyes were vacant, they were ruthless killing machines. But Natasha was different, her eyes held a spark, an emotional charge that had made him lower his bow on that fateful day. He didn't see that today and he felt the tally rise on one more thing Loki had robbed him of.
She turned away from him and opened the car door, heading into the cabin.
Once they were inside Clint set their stuff down on the kitchen table and began opening cabinets, checking for supplies. Natasha stood in the middle of the kitchen, looking around the barren room, arms wrapped around her body.
He broke the silence.
"Well, we have some canned soup I can heat up for dinner and there's some stuff in the ice chest in the car but we'll have to make a run up to the store in the morning for supplies." He rummaged through one of the cabinets, "But the good news is there's coffee for the morning. And I stole some creamers from that last gas station we stopped at because I know how you secretly hate your coffee black." He looked over at Natasha, she was still standing in the middle of the kitchen staring at him but he felt something change. All of sudden her face crumpled and she broke down in sobs, her knees bending as she began to sink down onto the floor. He got to her in a half a second and caught her before she hit the ground. Sobs wracked her body as he held her tighter than he ever had before. Her arms circled him and she clung to him as if for dear life. Clint slid one of his arms under her legs and hoisted her up, carrying her to the couch and sitting down, never letting go. He just held her as her emotion drained out.
They stayed like that for what felt like hours, not speaking, just holding each other, until finally Natasha looked up at him, her eyes red and swollen, but alive. Clint lowered his forehead to hers, relieved that she was still with him. He brushed his finger over her check, over the bruise, the action he had wanted to do earlier and she closed her eyes at his touch.
"Why?" she whispered.
"What?"
"Why did this happen to us?" She opened her eyes again, "Is it punishment for who we were in the past, for what were are? Killers for hire?"
"No, Nat, no," he shook his head, "We can't blame our pasts or ourselves for what happened."
"I just don't… I don't..," she stuttered.
"Shhh," Clint hushed her and held her face in his hands and kissed her hard, with all the emotion of the past few days rushing out. They kissed each other desperately and hungrily, only stopping to come up for air. Natasha ended up in Clint's lap with her hands threaded through his hair, she looked down at him, her eyes still wet with tears.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
His brow furrowed as he asked, "About what?"
"The baby." She said in a whisper, her voice shaking.
"Oh, Nat…" he kissed her softly.
"I had just found out, that day. That's why I went to see Bruce. To confirm it. I wasn't…I wasn't trying to hide it."
"I know." He buried his face in her neck, needing to feel her softness, to breath in her scent, to envelope himself in her.
"I was so scared. I know we didn't plan for that, we never even really talked about it. I didn't know how you would react, I didn't really even have time to process anything, to even feel happy." Her voice broke at the last part. Clint's arms encircled her, pulling her closer into him and holding her. He wanted to tell her that he had always wanted kids, that it was something he thought about all the time, but he couldn't speak, he just wanted to feel her, to know she there with him, solid and real. He kissed her again, his mouth crashing against hers as she returned the same passion he was feeling. Clint felt like he couldn't breath as he searched her mouth with his tongue, running his hands up and down her back, circling to the front and starting to slip them under her shirt.
She pulled away, shaking her head, "I'm sorry, I…I can't." She shifted off his lap and got up, "I just can't do this right now." She walked into the bathroom and shut the door.
Clint exhaled, leaning back onto the couch and running his hands over his face. Time was what she needed and time was what they had right now. He would give her as much space as possible because he knew she would come back to him, they would always come back to each other.
Whew! That was so hard to write - hope you liked it!