South Park © Matt & Trey.

Stan's POV

"Dude, I need help," I say to Kenny over the phone.

It's fairly late into the night, but my hangover is finally gone for the most part and I can't sleep anymore.

"With what?" he asks, though I'm sure he already knows.

"I don't know what to do."

"Okay, speak and you shall be heard," he says humbly.

"Am I a bad person?" I ask.

"No," he says without hesitance.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because you want to be a good person," he explains simply.

"And that makes me a good person? Wanting to be good?"

"Yeah."

"How?"

"Would a bad person want to be good?" he asks before answering his own question, "Probably not."

"I suppose so," I consider. "Do you think Kyle thinks I'm a bad person?"

"No," Kenny says, "But if it's going to bother you, just ask him."

"Yeah… maybe."

"Now stop with all this self-pitying bullshit. Now tell me what else is going on in the mind of Stan Marsh."

"It should be simple… shouldn't it?" I say.

"The Kyle and Wendy stuff?"

"Yeah."

I hear him laugh "Love is never simple."

"And how would you know?" I ask. As far as I know, Kenny's never been in love. He hasn't even had a girlfriend since we were kids.

"Hard as it may be to believe," he starts, bitterly, "I, Kenny McCormick, am capable of love."

"You're in love?" I ask, somewhat surprised.

"Yeah," he admits, "I guess I am."

"I didn't know…"

"Well it is kind of a secret, so don't go around telling everyone."

I smile to myself.

"But enough about me –"

"No, no," I cut him off. "Who is it?"

"Not telling."

"What? Why not? You can't just leave me hanging like that."

"Too bad."

I grumble audibly, knowing that it was no use prying into Kenny's secrets. "Fine."

"So, as I was saying, enough about me, you called to talk about your Kyle and Wendy stuff?"

"I know," I sigh. "I needed an ear. It's easier to get my thoughts together when I'm talking to you."

"Well, glad I can be of service."

"Ken," I say, "What would you define love as?"

"Hell, I don't know. Maybe it's not something that can be defined. Maybe that's why we have that simple four letter word. I mean, it's a feeling. Can you describe a feeling?"

"Maybe not… but can you try?"

"Hmm… Well, I guess it is the feeling of needing someone emotionally as well as physically. You want to keep them safe, while at the same time you want them to keep you safe as well. I think it means wanting things for them, but from them as well. Love is pretty selfish, in my opinion."

"I feel like I need Kyle, physically and emotionally," I admit.

"Do you feel that way about Wendy?"

"Honestly… I used to."

"But now?"

"Now I don't."

"Wendy is an idea you have gotten so familiar with, then Kyle swoops in and messes you all up. He confused you. He is new and unfamiliar in that sense. I mean, you've probably never imagined being with a guy, let alone Kyle. I mean, you are the one to blame for being in this. I know Kyle wasn't the one to pull the moves on you, he's too awkward for something that bold. You didn't have to go use Kyle like that, but you did. You knew he wouldn't push you away, and now you have to deal with all these consequences you hadn't predicted."

"Maybe…"

"Stan, I think you have your answer. I think you've had your answer all along, but it scares you. Maybe all Kyle did is help show you what you want."

"I know," I say, feeling small and sounding smaller.

"Yeah, Kyle's a guy, but so what? People don't fall in love with an idea, or a gender, they fall in love with the person within all of that. Have a little trust in yourself," Kenny says, "Don't think of how Wendy will react if you choose to be with Kyle, or how Kyle will react if you choose to try and fix things with Wendy. That will only persuade your choice in the end. Think only of yourself."

"Isn't that selfish?" I ask.

"I already told you that love is selfish," he laughs. "Love makes people selfish, more than money and more than power."

"Shouldn't it be the opposite, though? Shouldn't people have enough respect to let someone go if they can't return their feelings?"

"Maybe," Kenny says, thoughtfully, "But that usually isn't how things work. It's hard to let someone go. Besides, Kyle does love you, and I think Wendy does too, she's just hurting."

"Yeah," I whisper into the receiver. "I think I know what I have to do."

"Good luck, Stan."

"Before you hang up, I have a request."

"Yeah?" he asks.

"If I'm going to do this, you should too."

"What do you mean?"

"Tell whoever it is you love that you love them."

"Heh…" Kenny snickers. "I'll think about it."

"Don't think, just do."

"We'll see," he mumbles before hanging up.

The next day I walk to the Broflovski residence. My heart is beating pretty fast, but I'm trying to calm down. It's just Kyle. I shouldn't be so nervous. Kyle is my best friend and he's going to stay my best friend no matter what.

Ike lets me in, and I make my way up the stairs and into Kyle's room.

"Hey," he says, looking over at me from his seat at his desk.

"Hey."

"What's up?" he asks, closing a large textbook.

I don't say anything for a minute. I just sit down on his bed and pat the spot beside me.

He raises an eyebrow, but stands up and sits down beside me nonetheless.

"I want to try something," I say.

He tilts his head to the side, giving me a weird look.

I lean forward and touch our lips together, lightly at first. He presses into me for a second before pulling back.

"No…" he whispers, turning away. "You've already tried that."

"Kyle –"

"Stan," his voice cracks, "I can't… Don't do this to me again..."

"I'm sorry, Kyle."

He's silent.

"Can I say something before you kick me out?"

"I'm not going to kick you out," he says.

"Okay, but I still need to say this."

He doesn't reply, he simply waits for me as I try to put my words together.

"I'm going to try and fix things with Wendy," I say. Kyle's expression doesn't change, he keeps a neutral face.

"Okay."

"I'm going to try and fix things with her… But I don't want to get back together with her. I just want to make it up to her…"

"Make sure you're doing it for the right reasons," Kyle says, "Don't just make it up to her to make yourself feel better about what we did. I've already told her I was sorry, and you should too, but make sure you're not doing it selfishly."

"I know," I nod, "I've been thinking a lot about everything that happened, I'm not sorry for what we did, I just wish I didn't hurt you and Wendy in the process."

"Yeah…" he whispers.

"Kyle, I'm really sorry I hurt you."

"It's okay, Stan," he says, though we both know it's far from okay.

"I want to make it up to you as well."

"How?"

"Let me take you out," I request. "I want to do it right this time."

"What do you mean?"

"I… Well, I'm, uh… picking you," I say awkwardly.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asks carefully.

I nod.

"How can you be sure that I'm what you want?"

"I just am," I say, "Trust me, I've given it a lot of thought."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"So we're really going to do this?"

I nod, "If you want to, that is."

He rolls his eyes, "Do you know how long I've been waiting for this?"

I smile wider, pulling him into my chest.

He laughs into my chest before beginning to sob.

"Those better be happy tears," I mumble into his hair.

"I'm happy," he says, voice muffled by the fabric of my shirt.

And I'm happy too. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and my heart is no longer threatening to jump out my throat. Maybe Kenny is right, maybe I've always known, deep down. Maybe it has always been Kyle. Kyle, who is beautiful and destructive, but mostly beautiful. He's so many things that Wendy isn't, and maybe that's what I love about him.

Now I just have to tell Wendy how sorry I am and hope that she'll be able to find her own happiness.

I spent most of the day with Kyle. We didn't kiss again after the first time; instead we talked and played video games. It felt nice to spend time like that, the way we used to before I fucked everything up. We'll take things slow this time. I think that's for the best. I'm not going to ruin this again.

Wendy agreed to meet me at Harbucks. I called her after leaving Kyle's place. She was with Cartman. I guess they've been spending a lot of time with each other since they've… slept together…

I feel nervous. Cartman didn't want her to go, and I think that is ultimately what made her agree to see me. "You don't own me, Eric," I heard her growl at him, and immediately afterward she told me she'd meet me. I thought that was funny, and a very Wendy thing to do, and maybe Cartman knew that all along. I wouldn't put it past him. He can be good sometimes… in his messed up own way.

"Hello, Stan," she says, sitting in a chair across from me.

"H-hey," I mumble, sliding a cup across the table to her. "I already ordered for you. It's ginger tea," I say when she looks at her cup questioningly, "Your favorite."

"Oh, thank you," she says, wrapping her fingers around the cup. "I suppose it's best we settle things maturely."

"Yeah," I nod, before taking a sip of my own drink.

"You start."

I take a deep breath. "I'm sorry for hurting you, Wendy, I really am… But the more I thought about what happened, the more I began to realize something."

"And what was that?" she asked, not sounding malicious, but rather genuinely curious.

"I don't regret sleeping with Kyle," I admit. "Sure, I wish the circumstances had been different, but… Jesus Christ, I like him. Maybe I even love him."

She simply nods, taking in the information. "I thought so… At times, I found myself wondering what you were doing with me when he was all that was on your mind."

"I'm sorry, Wendy."

"I know, Stan," she sighs, "I'm sorry, too. I didn't go about it the best way. I shouldn't have gone to Eric. That was cruel and immature of me. To be honest… I always had a feeling it would be Kyle in the end. I knew he would be the reason we broke up. You never looked at me anymore, not really… At least, not the way I wanted you to look at me. Not the way you looked at me when we were younger. You stopped looking at me that way so long ago, and you began looking at Kyle in that way. I knew there were secret things going on each time we would all hang out, like the way you two would sit so closely together. Somehow, I knew it was inevitable. I thought to myself that it would make sense for you both to be in love because isn't that how it happens in so many films and novels out there? I began to notice it, but I tried so hard to ignore it. When I walked into that room and saw you both lying together tangled in sheets… I wasn't as shocked as I should have been. I walked in on my boyfriend naked under the covers with his best friend and I wasn't surprised. That's when I realized that deep down, I knew it all along. I don't think that you even knew what was happening yet. You're kind of naïve in that way," she smiles softly. "I wasn't fair. I should have ended things a long time ago. We shouldn't have tried so hard to fix it every time we broke up."

"Kenny says love makes people selfish… More than money, more than power, it's love."

"He's right."

"I think we're all guilty of doing selfish things in the name of love."

"I think so too."

I laugh softly before changing the subject, "He likes you, you know… Cartman, I mean."

"I know."

"I think he's been into you for a long time, ever since you kissed him when we were children."

"I know," she says again.

"Are you seeing him now?"

"Yes," she admits, with a small smile.

"You'll be good for him," I say. "You have a good set of morals, you might even cancel out some of his psychopathic tendencies and be a positive influence on him."

She laughs, "Maybe."

"Hell," I shrug, "It's weird, isn't it?"

"It is. I was thinking about it earlier. It's strange the way things work out. Everything changes when you get older. Life is funny like that. Eric and I, you and Kyle… I wonder if it was obvious, and we were just blind to it for so long. I feel like I don't understand how it truly happened, even now."

"Kenny understood," I say. "He made sense of it all... I feel like he already had an idea that all this would happen."

"He always knows, doesn't he?"

I nod, "He's kind of special like that."

She reaches for my hand across the table, "Friends?"

I nod, taking her hand. "Forever."

I can breathe easy now.

Kenny had once told me we are more than our past mistakes. I think I know that now, and maybe, in time, I'll be able to forgive myself for all these mistakes.

"Hey," Kyle says as he walks into my room the following night.

I roll back the covers, inviting him to get in bed.

"That's gay," the jokes, even though we've done it a thousand times before.

I roll my eyes. "Get in here, butthole."

He chuckles, getting under the covers with me.

"Kyle?" I ask tentatively.

"Mm?"

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are, Stan," he whispers. "You don't need to say it anymore. I already forgave you. I could tell from the moment it had happened that you would be sorry. I feel like I can always tell these things when it comes to you."

I pull him into my chest and hike the blankets up.

"Am I a bad person?" I ask, so softly I wonder if Kyle hears it.

"No, you're not a bad person."

I can feel myself begin to drift to sleep mere seconds later, as if that one frightening possibility was keeping me awake. I think it has been, for a long time.

I shut my eyes, listening to the soft sounds of Kyle's breathing and feeling the pattern of his heart beats.

I love this place, right here…

I love this place.