My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied?
Christ, Tourniquet
My suicide...
"You may go now." The two men nodded in acknowledgment and walked out the door.
Tsunade stared at the door, her brows furrowed from her recent discussion with the two men she sent yesterday to check up on Kakashi. She pushed back her chair and let her head fall over the back of it, emitting a tired sigh and raked painted nails through golden locks. It was just as she suspected, and feared.
Never in a million years would she have guessed him to rape a person, much less a girl he trusted with his life. Maybe that was the reason. Had he become attracted to her and propositioned her on the mission and taken her when she refused? No, that was like Kakashi. It wasn't his style. He'd never jeopardize a mission for one night of sin and he'd certainly not do it with Sakura, but still…it had happened…
"Shizune, cancel all my appointments today and ask one of the council members to take over for the day. We need to find some answers."
Shizune stood outside the small apartment door and took a breath, the grip on the small tape recorder tightening slightly. She knew she had to get this done, but still, after discovering what had happened, she had become wary of the man. 'What if he…' She shook her head and quickly chastised herself. That was horrible to think of him when they had no record of what happened, but then again, that was why she was there. Taking another deep breath, she quickly picked the lock and stepped inside.
Dark eyes scanned the room. It was just like him. Everything seemed to have been picked at random, giving it a relaxed, almost lazy feel, but everything in the room had a purpose, even the bloodstain in the carpet, but she doubted he knew that.
She stepped into the kitchen, a small room with a stove, a refrigerator, three chairs, and a table. She scanned the room and her eyes stopped upon finding a lone figure in one of the chairs.
Her brain had stalled, surprised at finding the man right in front of her. His appearance didn't seem like what Naruto and Sasuke had reported, but then she noticed the faint scent of soap. She looked down and saw dripping wet silver hair. He had taken a shower and she was pleased at the thought, but then noticed the redness on his body. She became alarmed. Had he been trying to scrub his skin off? She shook her head and sat in the chair beside his.
She shifted in her seat as she placed the tape recorder onto the table. She stared ahead at the man and began noticing things she hadn't before. His skin-covered bones peeked out of the hospital gown he still wore and his eyes had dark circles under them. Had he gotten any sleep at all? She brought her eyes down his face to rest at the infected wound on his arm. She sighed and searched for a first-aid kit.
She stood, healing what she could while mentally frowning at him for not taking care of himself better. She sat back down quietly and reached into her sleeve to pull out a small prescription bottle. "Take one of these every six hours. It'll kill the infection," she said shaking the bottle. He wordlessly took the bottle and she pressed a button on the machine she had brought before continuing with her questions. "Have you gotten any sleep since the mission?"
"Yes."
"When and how much?"
"In the hospital when I was in the coma. After I left, maybe five hours?"
Shizune nodded, her brows furrowing as she made a note to give him pills for insomnia. She clasped her hand in front of her. "Hatake-san, I'm going to be asking you some questions. They'll be about the mission you had eight days ago. I need you to tell me everything that happened. Can you do that?" He nodded and she nodded in affirmation before opening her eyes, her dark gaze boring into his.
"What happened on that mission?"
Sakura looked up from the window. "I'm sorry?"
Tsunade smiled and patted her hand on the table. "It's alright. I'll ask again. What happened on the mission, Sakura?"
Sakura froze, her eyes moving from her teacher to the view of Konoha from her hospital window.
"Take all the time you need, Sakura."
She nodded and took a deep breath. In her reflection, her brows furrowed and her lips moved into a frown as she tried to sift through her hazy memories. "We were coming back from the Kazekage. Gaara had given us the scroll and we were a few hours from Konoha when we got attacked…"
"You're doing great, Sakura."
She nodded and her lips pursed as she concentrated more. "We were…ambushed. Yeah. We were ambushed by a group of missing nin. They said they wanted the scroll and we fought for hours. We managed to get a few of them in the first hour, but the others were harder.
"I remember fighting two while Kakashi was fighting one, one of them had hid. I won against one of them and I was fighting another one. And…I remember Pakkun being sent an hour ago and I saw Kakashi was still fighting that one guy."
"What happened next?"
"Kakashi beat him after a while with Chidori, but he was tired. His sharingan was starting to take its toll and I was still fighting my opponent when the other one came out of nowhere."
"What had he looked like?"
"It was…strange. He looked a lot like Inoichi-san." Sakura looked up to see the surprised face of the Gondaime and the grimness that mixed with the emotion in her umber gaze. Sakura started to shake her head.
"But that isn't possible. It wasn't genjutsu and Ino never mentioned an uncle like that."
Tsunade nodded and urged her to continue.
"After a while, I beat my opponent and I heard Kakashi-sensei coming towards me."
"Are you sure it wasn't genjutsu?"
Sakura's brows furrowed, her expression troubled. "That was the weird thing. It didn't feel like genjutsu, but I could feel that something was off about him, like it was him, but wasn't at the same time."
Tsunade nodded and noted that down on a small notepad. "What happened next?"
She could feel her muscles tense as she saw the pictures all over again, the sensations crawling up her skin. She shuddered. It was bad enough that the nightmares were all she ever saw, but it was day and it seemed like they were still after her, were still able to come after her, but then again, maybe they were.
Her breathing was slightly quicker now, not enough to cause much alarm, but just enough to pique the senses and start the slow churning feeling of worry. Tsunade clasped her apprentice's hand and Sakura swallowed and nodded. 'Deep breaths.' she reminded herself.
"We exchanged light banter and I turned around to get my gloves when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and I remember falling backwards. We landed, him on top of me, and I told him to get off of me and then…he kissed me."
A stinging sensation made itself known and her breathing was slightly uneven, but she pressed on. "I was confused. I started asking myself why he was doing this. I tried to push him away, but he kept my legs and wrists pinned to the ground and he…he ripped my shirt."
Her arms shielded her front self-consciously.
"I tried pushing harder now. H-his hand, it moved. It moved down and ripped off my shorts and then, it started to rain…" Her voice trailed off as she sat in a trance but she quickly caught herself. "I started to kick at him now, but he wouldn't budge. He took off his vest and shirt and asked if something was wrong. Then, he…he…"
"He what, Sakura?"
"He…took off his pants and moved his hips against me," she blushed, whether from shame or embarrassment, Tsunade didn't know. Maybe a combination of both.
"He took a kunai…was it a kunai? Yeah, it was. He took it and he c-cut my bindings and he touched me there and-and he asked if I liked it." she choked out, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes as her breathing quickened.
"E-everything was going so fast. I felt dizzy. I tried to close my legs, but they wouldn't move and I looked up at him and…and…" A broken laugh escaped her lips. "I saw his face. Seven years and I finally see his face." she smiled, the tears were coming faster. Tsunade furrowed her brows.
"His hand twitched and then it moved down and he…he stuck it in me and said that I was wet." She bit her lips and wrung her hands nervously, her shoulders rising and falling with each breath.
"He bound my wrists with wire. It was tight. I felt the blood run down my wrists. I asked him why he was doing this and he smiled and said 'Because I can.'" she stated sternly.
"He moved back and he put it in me and it hurt. It hurt a lot and I begged him to stop, but he didn't. He kept going and I kept begging and he wouldn't stop and it kept hurting. It really hurt and he kept saying things, these awful things and I screamed. I screamed for him to stop and he kept going and I could hear the noises, these wet noises and his breathing and it hurt. Why won't it stop hurting?!"
Tsunade watched as Sakura suddenly froze, her pupils dilating. She reached forward hesitantly and Sakura recoiled. "No! Don't come near me! I'll be quiet, I'll do anything, just stop!"
"Sakura, calm down, it's me, Tsunade." she said reaching forward. Sakura moved further back. Her chair toppled, and she spilled onto the floor, scrambling to get away.
"No! Don't come near me! Stop! No! Stop it! Please, sensei, stop! I'm begging you, please! Don't-don't hurt me!" she screamed. Tsunade rushed forward from her chair, folding her arms around the girl. "No! Don't touch me! Get away! Get away!" she said, beating her fists against Tsunade's shoulders.
Tsunade rode it out, her hands keeping the girl firmly against her. "It's okay, Sakura. I'm here. I'm here. I won't let anything happen to you. Shhhh…"
A choked sob escaped Sakura's lips and her fists opened, her fingers gripping her clothing weakly as she sobbed heavily. "I was so s-scared…scared…scared…" Tsunade let a hand smooth through pink hair. "It's okay. I'm here now. It's okay." she reassured, her eyes staring ahead, determination in her gaze.
A sigh echoed in the room. The candle by the desk flickered as moonlight bathed the dim-lit room. Tsunade set down her pencil and folded her hands to cradle her chin.
It was beautiful. She could see the moonlight hit the village and watched the blue light bathe her office. She sighed and raked a hand through her hair. 'But beauty is never long-lived. Even the jutsu I'm using. After I run out of chakra or when I die, this will be gone.' she thought, a finger touching her cheek.
The office was small. Scrolls and books lined the shelves on the wall and empty sake bottles were stashed in the corner, casting blue light of their own in the moonshine. Paperwork was strewn around the room, on the floor, in the shelves, in her desk, but most littered her desktop, carelessly shoved aside as she worked. Though it was small, it was unusually quiet. At this time, Shizune would be bringing her another bottle of sake, but she wasn't here tonight.
After Tsunade convinced Sakura to rest and gave her something to calm her nerves, she went to her office. A few minutes later, Shizune appeared and it surprised her. Not the fact that she was done so early, Shizune could handle any task given to her, but her appearance. She looked unusually pale, her hair was mussed, like she had been pulling at it. She looked haggard. Not like the professional woman she had come to know and love, so when she asked to have the rest of the day off, she didn't hesitate to give it to her.
Tsunade let her gaze travel to the tape resting at the edge of her desk. It was the interview with Kakashi that Shizune had. What had happened? What had he said to unnerve Shizune so much?
She sneered openly. She could guess. 'Probably gloating about his exploit.' But rationality emerged once again. He'd never do that. He wasn't the kind of person to do something like that. Chivalry was dead, but he didn't care, it was his thing. He'd never do something to upset a woman like this, so what had he said?
Tsunade cast a glance to the tape, her lips pursing. Maybe she had been hasty with her poison. Had she stopped to consider what he had to say about this? No, she hadn't. Her care for her student had blinded her from believing anything but what Sakura said. She sighed. 'Might as well get this over with.'
She picked up the tape, popping out the one of her interview with Inoichi. According to him, he did have a brother who became a missing-nin. Sakura had been right, but was this really anything important? She sighed. It was the only lead she had, but she had new evidence to listen to and pressed play.
The machine let out a hiss and the tape rolled slowly. Tsunade took out a new notepad and listened intently.
"Have you gotten any sleep since the mission?"
"Yes."
"When and how much?"
"In the hospital when I was in the coma. After I left, maybe five hours?"
"Kakashi-san, I'm going to be asking you some questions. They'll be about the mission you had eight days ago. I need you to tell me everything that happened. Can you do that?"
There was a pause. Kakashi probably nodded and Shizune continued.
"What happened on that mission?"
There was a stretched silence and she could hear a heavy sigh. It was probably Kakashi's. Suddenly, his voice came onto the tape. "It was eight days ago. I was assigned to guard Haruno Sakura as she went to the Sand village for a scroll. The Kazekage, Gaara, handed us the scroll and we headed back. Approximately 500 kilometers away from the village, we were attacked by the missing nin."
"What happened next?"
"We engaged in combat. We got into defensive stance alpha-dash-nine. She put away the scroll and put on her gloves, I took out a kunai and exposed my sharingan."
Pause.
"What happened next?"
"Hours later, we had narrowed down the numbers, but we were starting to get exhausted and I summoned Pakkun to get backup. I used Chidori on one of the enemies while Sakura continued to fight her enemies.
"She continued to fight while I looked around, trying to conserve my chakra. A blow came at me and I dodged it. The last of the missing nin group was the one who threw the punch. His name was Yamanaka Isao. He was from the Hidden Leaf Village."
"What happened next?"
"We exchanged banter. We started talking more in depth and he suggested telling me about his past. I agreed. I thought I could use the time to recuperate and formulate a plan. After approximately twenty minutes, I attacked Isao, only to find it was another clone. He then knocked me from the tree. He told me about him being the strongest of the missing nin we faced and I remember blacking out."
"Did you wake up?"
"Yes. I woke a few minutes later. I noticed two semi-circles and in them, I saw the forest. I tried to move, but I found I was bound to a pentagram. Suddenly, I heard Isao's voice and he explained to me that we were in my mind."
"In your mind?"
"Yes. He told me it was a jutsu he made to nullify my Sharingan. It would allow the user to enter another person's mind and use their chakra to fuel the jutsu while allowing them complete control of the other person's body."
The sound of pencil scratching on paper could be heard and they suddenly stopped. "Continue."
"I asked him what he was going to do with that jutsu and he said…he said…"
"He said what, Hatake-san?"
"He said all in due time, but he'd make me wish that he killed me earlier."
Pause. Tsunade waited, her pencil tapping rapidly on the table. Just when she was about to press the eject button, she heard voices once more.
"Okay Hatake-san, after he said that, what happened?"
"I was moving. Well, not me, but my body. And I-I mean me-I mean-"
"Just refer to Isao's control of your body as him."
An exhale was heard. "Alright."
"Proceed."
"Sakura had just finished killing the two nin and she turned around to greet me. She talked and he responded just like I would have after listening to my thoughts. She turned around to pick up her glove and he grabbed her wrist and tripped her. He fell on top of her and she told him that he was heavy and he crushed his lips onto hers and then..."
"And then?…"
"He forced her legs apart and pinned her down and that's when I realized he was planning to rape her."
"Did you attempt to stop it?"
"Yes, but I couldn't move. I told him that she wasn't going to sit back and let him rape her and he taunted-no, he corrected me."
"How?"
"He told me…that it was me doing it. It was my body and that she wasn't going to fight me because she trusted me. It made sense, even now it still does. It still does…"
Slightly erratic breathing patterns could be heard on the tape and a glass slid across the table. A gulp and the telltale 'clunk' of the glass were heard before a throat was cleared. "Please focus, Hatake-san."
"Yes, of course, sorry."
Pause.
"After trying to escape my binds, I tried to shut out what was happening, but my eyes were forced open. He told me I was going to watch it and he said things about Sakura."
"What kind of things?"
"How she was such a babe and how he was going to have fun with her."
"…"
"He ripped her shorts and it started to rain. My clothes were taken off and Sakura whimpered. He looked down and he asked what was the matter. It wasn't enough for him to taunt me, but he had to do it to her also. After that, she asked why I was doing this to her and he took off his pants and ground into her. Her body reacted and she tried to get away. He cut her bindings and started to play with her nipples and asked 'Don't you like it, Sakura-chan?'
"She started crying and tried to escape by clawing at the ground to her get away. She couldn't move and she tried to clamp her legs shut, but he had them pinned down. She said my name in a bare whisper, silently asking why I was doing this and he touched her and her spine arched. He told me that she was responsive and that I had a hell of a student. He started grinding into her and I tried to focus my chakra to break my bonds. They stretched a bit before snapping back. I thought I saw my hand move…
"…"
"He asked me if I was liking the show. When I didn't respond, he placed two fingers into her and pulled them back out to show her the moisture on his fingers. He bound her wrists and put his fingers back into her and started to finger her and she looked up at me; I could see the pain and fear in her eyes. She asked me why I was doing this to her and I wanted to tell her that it wasn't me. That I'd never do something like this. That if I could turn back time, I'd kill myself before this happened, but I couldn't and he said 'Because I can.'"
A tense silence was heard and Tsunade could hear Shizune trying to get him to release his fists because his hands were bleeding, but she could hear something solid hit the table and heard the hatred and rage in his words. "No, it's not okay! The sick bastard was toying with her. She was screaming for me to stop and he kept going. He didn't care about her, only that he was getting a quick fuck. She kept screaming and crying and begging for me to stop and he kept going and he kept taunting her. He kept telling her how tight she felt and how she should scream more and he wouldn't stop! No matter how much she begged him, he wouldn't!"
"…"
Breathing, he was trying to calm down. "I closed my eyes, trying to block out everything and then…I heard him."
"Isao?"
"No, my father."
"Your father?" Shizune's voice was hushed.
"I shut my eyes further. I didn't know whether it was in defiance or not. It seems trivial now, but at that time, it meant the world to me. Then I heard Obito and Rin."
"Wait, how? Why them?"
"…Because he went through my memories. He knew that I'd listen to them, knew I cared about them. That'd with all the guilt I harbored, I'd do anything to please them."
A chuckle.
"You know, I almost did. I almost wanted to give in after they told me to, but this stupid annoying voice in my head said that I shouldn't give up, that they weren't really the people I had loved. That their memory was being defiled. I listened to it and forced them to leave from sheer will.
"…It was then that I remembered Sakura's first Chuunin exam and her battle with Ino. I remembered how she forced Ino from her mind and I was going to try to do the same with Isao.
"I waited until his guard was down. He was getting closer, his thrusts were erratic and his breathing was harsh. Sakura was still screaming, but her voice was hoarse.
"…He was getting closer, his thrusts were faster. He was starting to get frantic to find that release and he touched her bundle of nerves, forcing her to orgasm. His guard dropped as he emptied into her and I summoned all my energy and focused it to force him out. I remember blinking and staring at the dirt over her shoulder and tested a hand. I found it worked and I picked up a kunai and threw it.
Glass cracked.
"It hit him in the middle of his windpipe. Blood bubbled from his mouth and he coughed out more. It streamed down from his nose, his mouth, his throat, he was dying, but…he smiled. The bastard was smiling like he won. In a way, I guess he did. It was like I could still hear him taunting me. Asking if I liked it. What he did to her."
"…"
"I looked down at Sakura. She had cuts and bruises on her skin. The scent of sex mingled with the blood and rain and I saw a tear run down her cheek. I moved to brush it aside and I felt her flinch under my touch and that's when it hit me. The pale skin, the trickle of crimson from her lips. Her eyes were dead and blood and mud caked her pink hair. She looked like the perfect broken doll…"
Soft sniffling and choked sobs.
"I heard Naruto and Sasuke coming closer and that's when I realized what just happened, what I just did."
"Kakashi, it wasn't you, it was-"
Glass shattered and a faint tinkling was heard as they hit the floor. Leather creaked and there were muffled sobs and strangled, anguished cries. "No, it was. Even if he did it, it was my body and it reacted to everything and I could've gotten out at anytime. I should've have thought of it sooner. I should've stopped him earlier. It was all my fault and I raped her and the voices won't stop! They won't stop telling me how good she felt and how much I really liked it and how much I want more and I want to crawl into a hole and die and I can't sleep anymore. The voices won't leave me alone and when I sleep, I see her. She looked so hurt and I caused it and-and-I'm sorry! Sakura, I'm so sorry! Forgive me! I'll do whatever you want. I'll leave you alone! I'll kill myself. I'll do anything, just forgive me!
"…sorry…I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!…"
Tsunade hurriedly pressed the stop button. She could feel her hammering heart and the chill in her blood. She fell back into her chair and pressed a hand against her forehead, her body shaking as the words of the tape spun around in her head. She felt bewildered, lost. Was that what really happened? Was it really not his fault? Had he really not raped her?
Things began to spin faster, their pace maddening. Pieces were fitting together. It was beginning to make sense now. It wasn't Kakashi's fault. It wasn't his fault, but he blamed himself and Sakura was traumatized beyond belief. Their friendship was broken and everything had changed. Why did everything have to change? Why had she sent them on that mission? Why did everything have to turn out this way?
A small voice in her head laughed bitterly. 'Why does the wind blow? Why does the sun shine?' it goaded.
She sighed heavily. A breeze floated into her office, the cold air brushing against her forearms as she rested her forehead on her wrist, elbows propped up on the desk. 'Why can't things ever turn out right? Why can't people get happy endings? Why isn't life FAIR?!'
She laughed at herself, the sound broken, even to her ears. She knew the answer, knew it so well that she could write a book on it. Life was full of shit. It took away her brother, took away her lover, and numerous friends, and left her to deal with the grief. She knew life wasn't fair; it would never be, but, she could still dream…