They rode in silence back to Diana's apartment. He pulled up out front and stopped the car. Unable to meet her eyes, he finally spoke.

"You want me to walk you in?" He asked

"Would you like to come in for a drink?" She offered an olive branch

He sighed again, "No, I don't think so." He paused, "Look, Diana I'm sor-"

"I know." She interrupted, "Me too. I just wish you had told me about it."

He nodded in agreement, "I shouldn't have put either of you in that position."

"Tell me the truth." She replied, "Why are you doing it?"

"I told you that already." He said a hint of irritation in his voice

"That's not all of it, Jonathan." She said, "This goes deeper than just feeling sorry for her or just wanting to help her."

"I don't know why exactly." He replied honestly

She placed her hand on his leg, "Would you like to tell me what happened?" She asked, "You've alluded to the miscarriage but only in general terms."

"Diana, I don't think…" He began

"Please, tell me." She said softly

He took a deep breath, bracing himself to dredge up the most painful memory of his past, "We hadn't known but couple of weeks that she was pregnant and we we're ecstatic." He paused for a moment, "We had gone to Maryland to visit her father. He owns a horse farm there. She grew up around them all her life and was an expert rider from the time she was fifteen and the morning after we got there she wanted to go riding. I tried to talk her out of it but it was just down to the lake behind the house, she'd done it a million times."

Diana had an idea where this going, "I see."

"Anyway, I gave in but insisted on going with her. She picked up speed and was ahead of me when a car backfired or it might have been a shot, I'm not sure." He took another deep breath, "Her horse was a bit skittish and got scared and she was thrown."

"That's how she lost the baby?"

He nodded, "Our marriage quickly deteriorated into protracted silences followed by shouting matches." He explained, "I blamed her and she bore her own guilt and the brunt of my anger until there was nothing left of our marriage to salvage."

"I can just imagine how heavy that guilt must have been for her." Diana offered

"And I'm sure she still harbors it now." He said, "That's how she is. She twisted herself in knots over a fender bender she was involved in that turned out to be an insurance scam. So I know she's never forgiven herself for the miscarriage."

"So you're doing this because you feel like you treated her unfairly?"

"We both messed up." He acknowledged, "But she only pulled away from me because I made her. How could she talk to me when every time she looked at me she saw only judgment and anger?"

"Don't you think she realizes now that you were hurting just like she was?"

"Maybe, but I want her to know…in case…in case something happens, that I'm sorry, that I've finally realized my part in our marriage ending."

"Jonathan, despite what you might think, I'm not an ogre." She said, "I understand you care about her and I'm not doing cartwheels that your ex-wife had cancer. I also know seeing her again must bring up things you thought you'd put to rest."

"I know and I wasn't being fair to you, I'm sorry." He said, "But please, just let me figure out how to deal with this."

"I guess I don't have a choice." She said

"I need to clear the air with her so we can both move on and not be held hostage but it. Even if we didn't realize we were."

She nodded, "Can I call you tomorrow?"

He smiled slightly, "Yeah."

She leaned in and kissed his cheek before getting out of her car. He watched her as she disappeared through the front door. This time the man who seemed to have answers for everything was more confused than ever.

He drove home knowing he needed to face her, too. He had no idea what to say to her. Could he tell her what he had just told Diana? Could he expose his vulnerability not knowing how she would receive it? He parked the car and headed toward the guest house noticing a light on, indicating she was still awake. He knocked on the door but it wasn't her that answered.

"Hey, Mr. H." Max said opening the door

"Is she alright?"

"I'm fine, Jonathan." She announced walking in from the kitchen stirring a cup of hot tea

"We were just playing some more gin." Max said, "I'll let you two talk."

"Good night, Max" She said

"Night, Mrs. H, Mr. H."

He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked to the floor, "I guess I'm not going to win any awards as a host, huh?"

She put her cup down on the coffee table, "Why didn't you tell her I was here? That wasn't fair to her…or me."

"I know and I don't know why." He said, 'I guess I figured it wasn't her business and that you'd be…"

"Safely hidden away in the guest house?" She finished for him, "Out of sight, out of mind?"

"No, that's not what I meant." He explained, "I don't have an answer that would make it any better or that would make any kind of sense."

"Jonathan, if you care for her, don't put me in a position of ruining this for you. I can go back to the apartment tomorrow."

"No, I don't want you worrying about her." He said, "Please stay like you planned. I'll be at work all day tomorrow so you can have the place to yourself."

"Alright." She breathed out, "I really wish you would just tell me why you're doing this. You don't owe me anything."

"That's where you're wrong." He said, "I owe you so much better than I've given you."

His eyes filled with tears and he quickly turned to leave.

"Jonathan…" She called after him but he was already out the door.

THE NEXT MORNING

Jennifer slept later than she had in, well she couldn't remember when, and when she made it up to the house Max was cleaning up after breakfast.

"Mrs. H, are you alright?" He asked

She smiled weakly, "Yeah, I'm fine Max. But I sure am hungry."

"What's your pleasure?" He asked

"Oh, you've already cleaned up. You don't have to cook for me." She said taking a seat at the table

"Don't worry about it." He assured her, "How about some pancakes?"

"Hmm, that does sound good." She agreed, "With blueberries?"

"You got it" He said with a smile, "You want coffee or OJ?"

"Juice, but I can get it, Max." She started to get up from the table

"No, you are here to be looked after so just sit back down. I'll get it."

"Alright." She said reluctantly sitting back down. She noticed on the other side of the centerpiece an envelope was on the table, "What's that?"

"Huh?" Max looked up, "Oh, I think Mr. H left it there."

She picked it up and her name was written on the envelope. She opened it up to find a note from him

Jennifer,

I'm so sorry about last night. I never meant to put you in an awkward position with Diana or later when we talked. If you wish to go back to the apartment, I understand and you are free to use one of the cars or have Max drive you. I do hope you'll stay at least until tomorrow. I'd like to talk to you some more and maybe I can find the right words and not screw it up. I hope to see you tonight but I'll understand if you wish to leave.

Jonathan

She wiped a tear and tucked the note into the pocket of her robe.

"Here you go Mrs. H." Max came over setting down a plate of pancakes topped with fresh blueberries

She smiled, "Thanks, Max."

LATER THAT EVENING

Jonathan drove up the driveway and stopped the car, taking a minute to collect himself, hoping to mentally prepare for the two scenarios playing in his mind. If she was there, what would he say? If she wasn't, could he live with not ever telling her what was on his heart? The trouble was that he wasn't quite sure what was on his heart. He wanted to rid himself of the guilt for the part he played in their marriage crumbling and tell her finally, once and for all, how wrong he was. He finally opened the car door, got out and went into the house. As he looked through the mail on the table just inside the door he could smell dinner so he knew Max must be home.

"Hi."

He looked up to see her coming in from the kitchen, "Hi…I wasn't sure…"

"I'd be here?" She asked, "You said you wanted to talk."

"I do." He said, "I just don't know what to say."

"Jonathan, if this is about last night or Diana let's just forget…"

"No, it's not about that, not really." He said, "Can we go in the living room?"

"Sure."

He gestured for her to go first and she took a seat on the sofa. He joined her nervously rubbing his hands together, "I really don't know where to start."

She smiled and touched his arm, "The beginning is always good."

He exhaled heavily, "You asked me why I'm doing this. Well, I don't know how else to make amends for what happened…you know."

She looked at him puzzled, "You're trying to make up for our divorce?"

"For my part in it." He said, "I was as much to blame, if not more, than you."

"Is this about absolving your guilt?" She asked, "You're really something, you know?" She got up and walked over to the fireplace, "I've carried the guilt of what happened to our child for the past ten years and you suddenly feel bad because I'm sick?"

"No, that's not it." He explained, "I've wanted to talk to you so many times over the years, to tell you how wrong I was. I just didn't know how."

"So you were too cowardly to pick up the phone?" She said, her eyes boring into him, "That's not the Jonathan Hart I know."

"How could I just pick up the phone after all the things I said to you?" He asked, "Once those words were out there, they couldn't be taken back."

"You could have tried." She said, "I needed you and every time I looked at you I saw the disgust in your eyes, the silent accusations."

He got up and went over to her, "I know and I should have been there for you. I couldn't see past my own hurt. I thought, at the time, your riding that day was selfish."

"Oh Jonathan, you have to know I never wanted to do anything to hurt our baby…our son." She replied

He looked at her with a puzzled expression

"You didn't think I knew, did you?" She asked, "I know you didn't want them to tell me, thinking if I knew it would be harder, but one of the nurses let it slip."

"I'm sorry, I thought it was best." He managed, his voice a whisper

"Do you remember what name we talked about if it was a boy?" She asked

He nodded, "Christopher Maxwell Hart."

"I wanted more than anything to give you a son." She said, "To give you a child of your own and I wanted nothing more than to look into his sweet face and see your blue eyes."

"My God, how did we end up here?"

"I don't know." She said softly, "I really don't know."