"Decisions"

On the third day of our holiday, while we were having lunch in a café on the main square of the town, in front of the magnificent abbey, Holmes approached the burning issue we avoided these past days.

"Do you want to talk about it, John?" he asked with a casual tone, even if I knew he had been thinking for some time about what was the better way to introduce the subject and finally had decided for a direct question, without beating about the bush.

It was strange, I knew we had to take many decisions and we had to do it now, we should not wait any longer. The simple act of talking about things we had always known, but ignored, was the most clever way to go. But I felt, someway, that it was the end of a golden age, in which we (but Me, for the most part) were disconnected from reality. We (I) were living in a kind of limbo, we enjoyed the idea of becoming a family. We planned our life after the child's birth in every detail: we thought about what kind of school he/she would have attended; I would have liked him/her becoming a physician, while Holmes would have preferred him/her being a chemist or a detective, nothing less. He thought, and I found that really amusing, that with the contribution of his deductive skills and my sensibility and kindness, he/she would have been the perfect inquirer. She would eventually get married and two old parents would have argued about who had the honor to take her down the aisle. It was a perfect world, without winter, without cold, without laws because there were no criminals, everybody was kind to other people, there were no wars and no illnesses.

But that was a dream and we (I) got lost in that dream; we lived these four months in a giant soap bubble and when the bubble exploded, all the plagues of this cruel world we live in, that we ignored on purpose, ruined the perfect scenario we had built. Because there would have been many difficulties and dark moments and I thought, just for a moment, that our decision to have a child was wrong after all, because he/she would have suffered the condition of having two fathers and, being related to Holmes, she would have lived in the constant danger of being the target to get to him, because she would have been his blind spot, even more than myself. God knows how many criminals he put behind bars in all those years and how many of them would willingly took revenge on him. So maybe we put her after our own happiness, after all. We didn't think about the consequences of our actions. We used her to cradle a dream, and now the dream was turning out as a nightmare but she was already there, alive and breathing, inside me. And we had already passed the point of no return. She would take all the bad the world can give, she would suffer. And that was our fault. We were going to welcome to life a baby whose destiny was to suffer and grief.

As if he/she had guessed my feelings, I clearly felt her/him move inside me and that gave me a shiver.

I recalled the very first time we talked about becoming a family. We both wanted someone to love and to care. We wanted someone to live after our death, someone with our blood in the veins. We had no logical thoughts in that moments, we just wanted to be happy forever and a child to grow up was the perfect way to do it. How sad! We wanted to be perfect and 3 was the perfect number.

When we made love that night, knowing what our profound desire was, we did not just make love, it was something more than giving each other pleasure and comfort. It was the beginning of a new relationship. We were entangled together; we moved together at the rhythm of our physical instinct, up and down, fast and slow; we screamed together and again, from the beginning, since we lost in our scents and desires and we fell exhausted on the bed we shared for so many nights of passion; then we knew that there was so much more to share than love and desire for each other.

Some weeks later I started to feel unwell. One day I was curl up on the sink, feeling sick. I had not told Holmes about my condition already, but then he was there, comforting me and handing me a cool cloth to refresh my face after the sickness had gone. Despite I was not in my best appeal, he gave me a huge smile and hugged me. He knew. I felt I was in paradise.

And now the paradise was collapsing on us.

I probably had displayed my fears someway, because his voice came a little concerned to my ears the second time he spoke.

"John, are you alright?"

I quickly wiped away a tear that was menacing to roll down my face, and thought about what to say. Should I told him about my previous thoughts? He would had probably said I was too sensitive and I did not have to worry. But should I lied to him? While he knew me so well to read me as an open book? I opted for the truth.

"I am quite alright, yes, I just had some bad feelings."

"I know this is not pleasant for you, but let me tell you what I have been thinking. Can I?"

He was talking to me like I was a child, that was really unnerving, I didn't need to be patronized. Get a grip, man! I silently shouted to myself. Take a deep breath and do what needs to be done.

"Of course you can." I finally answered him.

"Very well. So, I thought about the whole situation…"

"I would not have used the term situation, considering whom you're talking about!" I retorted immediately.

He casted me a warning glance, half annoyed and half concerned, and he resumed his talk. I had the feeling that would be a long speech. I was right.

"There are a few things we need to consider, at first: you will soon start to show your condition, it is not safe for you to stay in London. I considered the idea of pretending you're ill, if someone shows up and wants to see you, while you hide in the bedroom, in that way we can stay in London for longer, but a illness that last two months is something strange, and why the Good Doctor has not been seen at his office for so long? People would talk and you know how the world goes. No, that was not the solution. Then I thought about Mycroft, he is the one (except for Mrs. Hudson) who knows we are engaged, he is a good man. I talked to him…"

"You talked to him? About me? Without asking me? I should have expected it from you!"

"… I talked to him and asked him if we could use his cottage for a holiday for some days. That is the reason for he is coming to us tomorrow afternoon. I wanted to inform him, if you agree with me, in that occasion, and also to ask his help."

"I agree with you. Sorry if I got mad at you!" I managed to say.

"Then the second consideration: you are a doctor, you did not need any help during these past months because you took care of yourself, as usual. But, tell me, in all honestly do you think you can do it when you will be on the last month? And when the baby will born and you will be in pain, I hope you don't think I am going to help you to give birth to a creature? You will need a professional help, and here we goes. Where can we go?"

"I don't know, Holmes, I have many colleagues who usually assist women in labor but I am not a woman. That would certainly make a slight difference to them!" I sadly affirmed.

"So, you see , Mycroft is our chance! I am sure he can find us a good doctor to help us. And you will give life to our beautiful creature without discomfort."

It seemed he had finished, since he crossed his arms on his chest, waiting for my reply.

I was relieved that he had already taken all decisions, at the same time I felt ashamed at my own blindness. If he had the time and the spirit to think about it, why did I not? And I called him selfish! While I was the one to blame. But he was right, as usual, his deductive skills had taken him to the right conclusions. We need a place to stay and we need a professional help. I just hoped Mycroft could really help us in both ways.

It was not so easy to express in words the whole range of sensations and thoughts I had in these moments, but he stood there and he needed an answer. Say it, John, it's easy. Just say it and everything will be alright! But say what? Say that you trust him and you will do what he suggested.

"John?"

"I think you are right. I really hope your brother can help us. Thank you, Holmes!"

"You're welcome! Do you think you eat that?" he asked, pointing at some yellowish residual in my dish, resuming his usual mood.

"No, I don't think so. Help yourself!"

"You know, since you're appetite has diminished, I am gaining weight. I do always have to eat your remaining."

"You don't have to."

"You know I dislike people who waste food."

"End of the argument!"

"I wasn't arguing, my dear."

"Of course not, my mistake!"

"You see, Watson, your deductive skills are improving!"

"Holmes, shut up or I'll put that horrible thing you are eating all over your face!"

"I'm sorry, old man, you can't. There is no more left."

"You're really…"

We eventually went back to the cottage. I felt someway lighter after our conversation; I was a little nervous about our rendez-vous with Mycroft, but I had Holmes on my side and I was glad of it.

The following day we talked to Sherlock's brother, who was marvelous, he was honored (his words) to be trusted and to help us. He suggested me to come to his cottage to spend the rest of the pregnancy. I thanked him, but I had things to do before leave, I should inform my patients of my temporary absence and Holmes too had to arrange things with Lestrade, so he would be able to stay with me all the time. He said it was necessary for him to have a pause from his work, for it was too dangerous for me to get involved accidentally in any cases he was working at. About the professional help part, Mycroft had a very good friend who lived in Bath, he said Dr. Sheppard (that was the man's name) was very respectable and surely would help us. He assured us he would have talked to him personally, explaining him the situation. And after the child's birth, he would have arranged things so that we could legally adopt her /him, pretending he/she to be an orphan. That was a lie, but a little lie for very good reasons. So we planned our departure from London for the end of next month, in that way both me and Sherlock and Mycroft would had had time to arrange things so to leave without complaints by anyone. Mrs. Hudson was going to stay with us, of course.

I was still feeling a little blue, however, for the thoughts I had the previous day. I sat on the bench in the garden, lost in my world, thinking I was only afraid and that I had to be stronger. Easy to say when you are living a daily hormonal storm! the little voice in head reminded me.

"I know what you are thinking!" Holmes's voice came from beside me. I did not noticed him. For how long had he been there? I did not know.

"Don't you think I had the same feelings? I know this is not a good world to live in, but it's worth it to give it a try because of people like you and me… and Mycroft and Mrs. Hudson! Don't be sad, my dear!"

Tears in my eyes, I shifted on the bench towards him and rest my head on his shoulder, feeling the salty taste of my own relief.

"We are going to make it, right?" I asked him in a shaky way.

"We will make it. Together!" and he kissed my brow.

SO THIS IS THE WAY THEY ARRANGED THINGS FOR THEIR CHILD'S BIRTH.

I KNOW SOMEONE SHOULD NOT LIKE SOME PARTS OF IT, ESPECIALLY WHEN WATSON SAID THE CHILD WOULD SUFFER FOR HAVING TWO FATHERS, OR WHEN HE SAYS HIS COLLEAGUES WOULD NOT HELP HIM BECAUSE HE WAS A MAN. I AM NOT HOMOPHOBIC, I SIMPLY CANNOT THINK TO SEPARATE THEM FROM THE WORLD THEY LIVE AND CHANGE ITS RULES.

SO, PLEASE, REVIEW IF YOU LIKE IT OR IF YOU DON'T.