Author's Notes:
There seems to be something wrong with this chapter - some people weren't able to access it. That's a stupid inconveniance and I don't even know why! I try to fix it even though I have no idea what's wrong. I hope it works now.
Sorry for the long wait, but this week-end was really busy (my sister turned 18!). This chapter is a bit longer than usually, I hope you can enjoy it:3
Disclaimer: D.Gray-Man belongs to Katsura Hoshino
Kapitel 10 - Anxiety
Ellen Bermont woke up quite suddenly after a night of restless turning and tossing. The early morning rays were shining through the window, bathing her room in a faint shimmer of bluish light.
Ellen was lying awake in her bed, an uneasy feeling still preventing her from getting up.
„What is this...?", she wondered, putting her white arms over her face. „This nervousness...". Ellen remained in this position for some more minutes, thinking about various things, then she sighed and got up, trying to ignore all doubts.
„Maybe I am just excited. This will be my last training with Kanda...", she mused while getting dressed in her ‚Cross Uniform'. She heard the faint ringing of the tower bell announcing the fifth morning hour. „My, did I get up this early? Well, I had an uneasy sleep". The girl decided to sit down at her desk and write a letter to her mother, maybe this would help her mind to settle down or, if that wasn't possible, to get a better understanding of her anxiety.
„Dear Mother...
I am quite well and I start to feel less lonely here at the Order. I already wrote to you about making new friends here. I am pleased to inform you that my bonds to them are getting stronger.
I also have been told, or rather have decided myself, that it would be time for me to go out of the Order do take up the work of a real Exorcist. I know, dear mother, that this may sound frightening or even absurd to your learned and sensible ears. But worry not, for I believe in what I have to do and find myself prepared and protected by various forces.
I will not be alone on this journey; Mister Kanda – I have already told you about this stunning gentleman – will be accompanying me. He is very knowledgeable in the field of battle techniques and also honourable, he will see to my safety.
But even though I find myself ready, I am still uneasy. I am not sure why, but maybe it is because of Mister Kanda... I have been learning from him and we have become something akin to friends, but he is not very sociable and I do not know what he really thinks of me. I fear that I have not been able to show him my true self, even though I think he might know what I am.
Dear Mother, my words must be making no sense to you, forgive your daughter for letting her stream of thoughts fill up this parchment!
You taught me to be an honourable woman, but I feel myself strangely connected to the life your dear late brother showed me. The Order is not necessarily a place for a woman, maybe that is the reason why I am feeling like this."
Ellen heard the tower bell again. „My... I took so long to write this letter...?", she wondered as it was already a quarter to six. „I cannot let Kanda wait...". She put her quill aside and got up to meet Kanda in the training hall for their last training before the real mission.
As expected, Kanda was already there, swinging his sword at an invisible enemy.
„Morning Kanda", Ellen greeted as she closed the door.
„Do you have your skipping rope?", he wanted to know without turning to her, still swinging his sword.
„I do, yes?", she answered, taking the skipping rope out of her coat's pocket.
„You should warm up. Skipping and push-ups should be enough", he advised, „because this will be a harsh training". Ellen furrowed her brows, but did not complain and started to skip around the room.
„Can't you just skip on the spot instead of running around in circles, you idiot?!", Kanda shouted, as the girl passed him for the second time. She stopped to look at him; he must have been here for some hours, his body was covered in sweat and his hair had partly come loose.
„I can, but I thought...", Ellen started to argue, but Kanda interrupted her.
„Then back off and skip quietly!", he spat and she did as she was told, but not without complaining:
„You are being ill mannered, Kanda...", she told him, but he ignored her. They were silently doing their warming up exercises until Kanda decided it was enough and sheathed his sword.
„Up on your feet. We'll do some boxing", he told her and she looked up from the ground.
„I thought you wanted to fight with our Innocence?", she asked and got up.
„Stop complaining, beansprout", he said and raised his fists. She just shrugged and mirrored his position, hands in front of her. „Let's go". Without further ado he started to attack. Ellen didn't have problems evading and even managed to break through his defence every once in a while.
Kanda was sure that he was slacking. As time passed Ellen got more daring with her fists, her little hands first slamming against his, then brushing the skin of his arms ever so slightly until she managed to land a few full blows against his upper arms. Ellen wasn't smiling, nor was she looking guilty for the hits she had dealt; Kanda saw concentration in her eyes. He knew that this wasn't the little girl who was introduced to him at the beginning of the week. She was getting stronger each day, so fast it was nearly frightening. But then, she probably hadn't used her body for the greater part of her life and began to exploit its potential just now. Kanda knew that there was more of that courage and willingness to fight and more power in her than he had already seen. She was going to be the „Destroyer of Time", which was quite a meaningful prophecy - at least in Kanda's opinion. But even though he was relieved that the likelihood of her dying on her first mission decreased, he was still not content.
„Why do I let her punch me? It's not like she was stronger or better at boxing than I", he wondered, looking at Ellen, „Just because she's a girl...?". He blocked her attack with his fist and slammed his free hand into her upper chest. The girl first stumbled backwards, then she lost her balance and fell to the floor. And there she stayed, panting. Kanda too took this moment to catch his breath.
„That's enough. Put on your uniform". He ordered, and pulled her up. He went to get his sword and then watched her put on the coat clumsily. Her arms must have been hurting from the strain, but she was not complaining. When Ellen was ready Kanda raised his sword, still sheathed. „I will not draw Mugen. We will not risk any injuries just before we have our first mission. You'll just try to block". Ellen nodded and invocated her arm.
„Very well, Kanda. I am ready". Kanda nodded and started to attack her with simple hits, which she managed to block easily. The young Japanese noticed how moving with her invocated arm seemed to come naturally to the girl, which would be helpful when they got to the battlefield. Training like this, they worked out until lunch and longer, until someone came knocking at the door. Kanda stopped his attack. Ellen let go of the invocation at once, panting and pale.
„As soon as the tension of the invocation leaves you, your energy will leave as well...", he told her, but she didn't have enough air to answer, „get some rest". The door opened and Linali put her head inside.
„Are you two still working? It's past midday!", she told them and came inside, a basked in her arms. She spotted Ellen, hunched over, hands on her knees, and rushed to her. „Ellen! Are you alright?"
„L... Linali. Yes, of course", the girl answered. Linali threw a disapproving look in Kanda's direction.
„Come, sit down a little. I've got some lunch for you". The girls sat down and Linali handed her a slice of bread with marmalade. „Kanda, you too! I couldn't bring your soba in a basket, so I hope you also eat sandwiches?". Kanda sat down silently and Linali handed him a slice of bread as well.
„So you do eat other things than ‚the usual'?", Ellen wondered with amusement as Kanda ate his sandwich.
„Of course, you idiot. I just happen to prefer my native cuisine", he told her, which made Ellen laugh.
„Fine. I do too, I have to admit... But just because I am used to it. I reckon there are thousands of flavours I have not tasted yet!", she exclaimed, still smiling.
„I heard you're leaving for a mission next week?", Linali said to change the topic of food, which was visibly annoying Kanda.
„Yes, I requested the next available mission Komui has for us", the young man answered.
„Hm... I heard they are working on a case, I'm sure you'll get the mission"
„Where does the mission take place? Do we have to travel far?", Ellen wanted to know.
„It is usual for us to travel long distances, because there aren't so many Exorcists and the world is big, right?", Linali started, „The case I'm talking about is reported to be located in Southern Italy"
„We mainly travel by train here in Europe. Where no railway exists, we are required to take a carriage or walk. We also need to use ships crossing from the Island to the Continent or for long distance missions", Kanda told her and she nodded, quite exited. „Stop grinning like a fool, beansprout! We're not going on holiday"
„I know, I know. You spoil my fun, Kanda"
„Shut it, idiot!". Linali looked from boy to girl, then sighed.
„You two... Stop bickering!", she chided, then she got up, „I need to be going now, Komui needs his coffee! Don't push Ellen too hard, yes?", she said directed at Kanda.
„Whatever...", was all he said in return, but it was good enough for Linali's taste.
„I'll see you two around! Good bye!", with this she left the room and the two were alone again. Ellen turned back to Kanda and smiled at him.
"So we will be spending time together on the journey to the mission! I am exited! This will provide us with a good opportunity to become friends, do you not agree?", she asked innocently. Kanda rolled his eye, ate the rest of his sandwich, then got up, pulling Ellen with him.
"Get your head out of the clouds", he told her and she busied herself with cleaning up their lunch and putting the basket aside. "We continue from where we left of".
"Of course", Ellen answered, invocating her arm and smiling, "Go ahead".
When Ellen's arm started to tremble under the weight of Kanda's continuous hits and she had to renew her invocation from time to time because it disappeared without her wanting to, Kanda knew that they had done enough training for the day.
"Why are you stopping?", Ellen wanted to know, barely able to keep on her feet without stumbling.
"Idiot, because you're exhausted", he told her, "stop the invocation". Ellen looked up at him silently for a moment, then returned her claw to normal. Kanda grabbed her arm before she could fall down. He lowered her down to the ground and sat beside her.
"I am still too weak… Am I not…?", Ellen wondered after she had caught her breath again.
"I don't think so…", Kanda told her, which had her looking up, because she had been expecting an insult. He returned her look and continued: "You're a parasitic type, don't forget that. The invocation uses up a lot of your energy and you have to balance this out with providing your body with food. You shouldn't be so vain and well-mannered. Just eat more", he advised.
"But Kanda… I cannot just stuff food inside me… That is…", Ellen started to argue.
"Gross? I told you to stop being vain! You're an exorcist now", he told her and got up from the ground. "If you eat more, you have more energy. And if you have more energy you can keep your Innocence invocated for a longer span of time". Ellen seemed to be unhappy with it, but still nodded. Kanda groaned slightly, then held out his hand for her to grasp. "Come on". Ellen looked at him, but took his outstretched hand gladly. He pulled her to her feet, his arm around her thin waist, while she tried to find her balance again. He tried not to think about it, even though he couldn't stop himself from realising that this was the first time he was so close to a girl. Though he still had a hard time seeing Ellen as anything different than an exorcist, but maybe he didn't have to – even if this went against his principles of protecting women at all costs. When Ellen was ready he let go of her, but she put her hand on his arm.
"Please do excuse…", was all she said and he didn't give an answer.
Like this they went to the dining hall to see if Jerry could get Ellen a big meal.
"My, you look pretty bad, my dear! I will make you a mountain of good food!", Jerry exclaimed. Ellen was not happy with the 'mountain' part but food sounded good.
"Sit down. I'll get you your food when it's ready", Kanda told her and pointed at a nearby table. The girl wanted to complain, but Kanda freed himself from her hands and went inside the kitchen. Ellen sighed and sat down at the table.
"Kanda is being nice… I should appreciate it instead of complaining. He only means well… I guess…", Ellen thought by herself and waited. A little while later Kanda returned from the kitchen with two trays loaded with plates and bowls. He set them on the table and went back into the kitchen to bring two more trays.
"I… Cannot possibly eat all of this!", Ellen exclaimed after Kanda had taken the seat next to her.
"Just start…", he told her and she sighed. She started eating and just went going, slightly embarrassed to have Kanda observe her.
"Would… Would you not share with me?", she said and pushed a plate with Pasta to him, "I feel bad if you just look and have nothing yourself…"
"No", he answered, but she just handed him her fork. He eyed it suspiciously.
"Was it not you who told me to stop being vain? Sharing food is nothing bad, right?". He glared at her, then took the fork, loaded it with pasta and ate silently. Ellen smiled and finished her soup. "You have surely participated in many missions", she started again and Kanda looked up from his plate.
"Yes", Ellen rested her chin on folded hands.
"That means you have spent many days in the company of various exorcists. Have you never got close to them?", she wanted to know, which kind of surprised Kanda.
"I don't want to be close to anybody. It's just annoying", he answered to which Ellen just lowered her eyebrows disapprovingly.
"But why? I know that some people like to be alone, I too wanted to be left alone when I was younger. But that was because people kept staring at me. But what reason do you have to shy away from people?". Kanda looked at her intently, but she just met his glare. "Tell me"
"You shouldn't pry into other people's affairs, beansprout", he told her, but she didn't show any signs of feeling guilty. She wanted an answer and he couldn't give it to her. "That's just the way I am"
"Do you find my presence annoying?", Ellen wanted to know. Kanda groaned.
"Right now, yes". The girl sighed, and reached out her hands to put them on Kanda's. "But I tolerate you and your antics. Stop touching me, that's strange". He withdrew his hand and continued eating. Ellen frowned, but Kanda's face was hidden by his bangs.
"Well… I like you", she told him honestly but he didn't get an answer for a long time.
"Idiot…". Ellen pouted, but continued eating until all the food was gone.
"My… I really was able to consume all of this… I feel slightly ashamed of myself", she announced. Finally, Kanda raised his head again and raised an eyebrow at her.
"But you're no longer trembling and surely you've regained your strength. You shouldn't complain", he finished his plate as well, then he looked up again. "And as you're Innocence uses up this energy right away you don't have to worry about gaining weight"
"I did not worry about that!!", Ellen shouted, blushing slightly. Kanda smirked and Ellen started to put the empty plates on the trays, in order to hide her embarrassment.
When she was done Kanda got up from the bench.
"Where are you going?", Ellen wanted to know.
"Training", he answered and Ellen raised her eyebrows.
"Again? But will you not get exhausted if you train so much?", she asked quite surprised.
"I haven't exercised as much as you have during our training sessions".
"Well, okay. Take care then", Ellen said and Kanda rolled his eyes, but left the room. Ellen carried her trays back at the kitchen counter, then she went to her own room. She sat on the bed, her hands in her lap.
"My… How things have changed… And I have only been here for some days…", she whispered to herself, looking at the ceiling. "I am still a girl, but I start behaving otherwise… Like… Almost like a boy…". Ellen sighed and closed her eyes, lying down on the bed. "When I am with Kanda… I behave differently. I have been educated to be well mannered and polite, but with him…" She opened her eyes, still thinking about it. Yes, she did behave differently, but not because she wanted to be different in his presence. It came naturally and it felt right. "Do I feel comfortable at his side despite the way he is acting towards me…?". Her thoughts were interrupted by soft knocking on her door.
"It's me, Linali!", she heard a voice say. Ellen sat up instantly, trying to fix her hair which has become a slight mess over the last hours.
"Come in, it is unlocked!", she called and the door opened. Linali came in and saw her friend trying to fix her hair and laughed.
"Oh dear… Let me help you", she offered and took the comb that lay on Ellen's night table. Ellen lowered her hands and let Linali draw the comb through her hair.
"Linali…", Ellen began hesitatingly, "did you… ever feel that you were no longer a girl, now that you are an exorcist?". Linali put the comb aside and looked at her friend.
"Why are you asking? You're still a girl, even with uncombed hair!", Linali answered laughing. A small smile escaped Ellen, but then she lowered her head.
"When Cross first had ordered me to wear boy's clothes I was… scandalized. Everyone took me for a boy… I know, I am very plain, but still… I am a girl…", she whispered.
"Ellen. You're not plain!", Linali objected, but Ellen just shook her head.
"I am fine, Linali, really… It is just that lately… I think it is okay for me to be the way I am… I am arguing with Kanda, boxing and…", she blushed slightly, "eating more than a pig". Linali laughed at that. "I enjoy being like this, like I enjoyed travelling with Mana. But I also enjoyed living with my mother, reading, writing, playing the piano and conversing"
"Ellen, you will not stop being a girl just because you enjoy these things. Everyone knows you're a girl, right? Well, Kanda might not have caught on yet… But you're graceful and perfect the way you are. You don't need to worry about things like these…". Ellen nodded hesitantly and Linali patted her head, "I have an idea; why don't you wear a dress for once?". Ellen looked at her, "you want to go to the sermon tomorrow, right? You can wear a dress then".
"Truly, that seems like the perfect opportunity", Ellen answered thoughtful, then got up and walked to her drawer. "I would not have wanted to go there in my uniform, it did not feel proper to do so". Linali giggled.
"You're quite funny, Ellen… But… What about Kanda? Don't you mind him seeing you in a dress?". Ellen turned away from her drawer, a white dress in her hands, to look at the Chinese girl.
"Kanda will not be at the sermon. He told me…", she answered. Linali frowned.
"Yes, but he could still see you…", as Ellen did not reply she continued, "You haven't talked to him yet, right?". Ellen shook her head, putting the dress over her chair.
"No… I have not… But I wonder if he has not already found out… Because nearly everybody knows and, as little as Kanda talks with people, he still would know if someone talked about me…". Ellen sighed and sat down on her bed, "It is not like it has ever been a secret… It is more like as if it were an unspoken secret that we both know not to talk about it… For as long as it stays like this, nothing between us has to change…". Linali looked at her intently, with an almost pitying look in her eyes, then she sighed and hugged her friend.
"Oh dear Ellen… You really are a girl", she told her, smiling. Ellen looked at her quite puzzled.
"What do you mean by that?", she wanted to know. Linali smiled and pinched her cheek.
"You like Kanda, right?", she stated and Ellen nodded, "Have you ever considered telling him?"
"I told him just before you came", she said and Linali widened her eyes.
"You told Kanda you love him?". Ellen blushed at once.
"NO! I told him I liked him!", she shrieked, hands the sides of her face.
"Well, it sounded like you had romantic feelings for him", Linali giggled.
"Oh no… I did not want it to sound like that! What if Kanda thinks I love him?!", she whispered frantically.
"Don't you?", Linali wanted to know, "he's handsome and strong. And he's quite nice to you". Ellen frowned, slightly disturbed.
"I would not know! He is the first boy I have liked…", she admitted and put her face in the palms of her hand. "This is quite embarrassing…".
"Oh, don't worry about it… That's okay!", Linali told her, "I'm sure Kanda didn't get any strange thoughts!"
"But… What if I really started to like Kanda more?"
"Then you'll be both happy and sad, I guess…", Linali mused and looked at her friend, "happy because you have someone to love and also sad because missions will keep you apart"
"You talk as if he was obliged to like me back…", Ellen told her with a small smile.
"Well, isn't he?"
"Oh, Linali!!", Ellen took her cushion and hit Linali's shoulder playfully, "do not mock me!". Linali laughed and fled from the bed.
"I'm sorry. Listen, I have to go now! Do you need me to help you get ready for the sermon tomorrow?", she wanted to know and opened the door.
"Ah, that would be nice, yes. Maybe you could do my hair", Ellen replied and Linali nodded.
"Fine! I'll see you tomorrow at nine! Good night, Ellen!"
"Good night, Linali!". Ellen decided to get dressed for bed, but before she could actually lie down she heard another knock at her door.
"It is open", she announced and saw the door opening to reveal Kanda standing there. He only wore black pants and a white shirt, his hair was undone and it seemed as if he just got out of the bath. "Kanda, come in!", she told him, "your hair is wet, do you want a towel?", she asked and went to her drawer to pull out a towel. She handed it to the young man, who took it wordlessly and started to towel his long hair. Linali was right; Kanda was handsome! Ellen sighed slightly and sat on her bed.
"What did you want?", she asked as Kanda handed her the towel. Kanda looked at her.
"No idea. Your door just was on the way", he told her, then he looked to the window.
"Well, you are invited to stay if you want to", she told him. He stayed silent and Ellen sighed. "Listen… About the Mission… Do you think I will have success?". Kanda's eyes were fixed on the white dress hanging over her chair, but Ellen had completely forgotten that it was there.
"Have you already forgotten your promise?", he asked, turning to look at her instead.
"My promise?", she asked, slightly confused. Kanda raised his hand and put in on Ellen's head, which forced her to lower it.
"That you weren't going to die. Keep your promise. I hate people who don't". When Ellen could raise her head again Kanda had already opened the door.
"I will come to find you sometime tomorrow. Good Night"
"Good Night, Kanda…", Ellen answered and the door closed behind the Japanese.
To be continued
Notes:
Well, I kind of liked this chapter even though nothing much happens... X3
Because my brain is empy right now I can't think of anything witty to add. So. uh. Hope you enjoyed it.