Author's Notes:

Here I am again, back from my holidays filled with sunburns and stolen wheels. I'm kind of experiencing writer's block… And I've spent the last few days sewing my cosplay for the AnimagiC in Bonn (I'll be shocking Hoshino with a girl!Ellen… I'm sorry dear Hoshino).

Now you know the reasons why this is so late. I apologize. I hope that I'll be able to make it up with this very, very cheesy chapter! :3

Disclaimer: D.Gray-Man belongs to Katsura Hoshino

Kapitel 21: Longing

Kanda never liked to travel with big ships. He stayed under deck in his cabin, waiting until they reached the shore. His ears perceived the metallic creaking and the roaring of the waves splashing against the ship as it cut its way through the dark blue water. His eyes were set on a small candle which was barely illuminating the cabin from where it rested on a wooden table. Next to it a few papers were scattered, a pen lying there as well, rolling from side to side as the ship swayed in the rough waves. Kanda snatched his head up when he heard the pen roll over the edge of the table and hit the floor with a faint sound. He frowned and got up from his bed, picking it up. He put the pen back down on the table, even though he was sure that it wouldn't stay there very long if the waves continued shaking the ship. He decided to sit down at the table, pen in his hand. He stared at the paper with a few scribbled words one it once again, like he had done many times before since they left the harbour in Italy, making their way to southern France. Words, lines crossing them out, little scribbles when he didn't know what to write littered the paper and Kanda felt very silly. He crumbled the paper up and tossed it to the floor, where the ball rolled to one of the beds.

"Beansprout… There are a lot of things I would like to tell you… But I can't find the words for it…", Kanda mused, looking at the paper in annoyance. He briefly wondered why he even bothered, but dismissed the thought just as fast as it had crossed his mind. "Because it's been months since I've last seen her! Of course I keep thinking about her!". Kanda looked up with a glare when the door opened with a creak.

"Save that murder glare for our foes!", Daisya shouted, shivering.

"Tch. It's only you", Kanda snorted and observed how Daisya closed the door and walked over to the bed.

"What do you mean it's only me? Who did you expect to show up?", he asked with a grin and sat down. His boot brushed the crumbled paper and he picked it up with a raised eyebrow. Kanda was absorbed in his own thoughts and he didn't even notice how his comrade unfolded the paper and started reading in silence.

"Dear beansprout. It's been three months already since we parted ways. The mission dragged on and I'm already on my way to another one. I haven't seen the Black Order for a long time, but I don't really mind, this is my duty as an exorcist after all. What does leave a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach and some kind of painful longing is that I haven't seen your face or even heard your voice for such a long time. During missions I cannot afford to think about anything, but I find my mind wandering in the long, stretched loneliness between missions. While I never was fond of the company of my fellow exorcists or the finders, I now am displeased that they do not manage to entertain me the way you do…".

"Is that yours?", Daisya managed to ask, even though it seemed impossible that Kanda would ever write such words. The younger exorcist turned around, one eyebrow arched upwards, while Daisya was now focusing on the little swirls (which certainly were not supposed to be flowers) and the shape of a face in the upper left corner (which couldn't possibly be a girl, because that was an outrageous thought).

"You should not pick up things from the floor", Kanda hissed, angry at the other that he read that stupid letter. Daisya obviously didn't know whether he should laugh or be at a complete loss, but laughing suited him better.

"Must be a pretty fine lady, this beansprout of yours, for you to write a love letter", he commented and Kanda frowned angrily, but didn't move from his seat. "So you've got any indecent thoughts about her swirling around in that gloomy head of yours?". Kanda snorted, turning away from Daisya.

"Of course not. I intend to marry her", he said, even surprising himself that he was so open about it. Oh well, he never did intend to make a secret out of his love for Ellen – that would be far too complicated and tedious. Kanda didn't like tedious things which demanded a lot of thinking (Ellen was an exception, because she was worth his trouble).

"Oh. Right", Daisya said slowly, making Kanda turn around, "I've never heard you joke before, so I guess you're being serious". Kanda nodded and Daisya just scratched his head in confusion. "Aren't you being a bit naïve here?". Kanda glared at him and Daisya raised his hands in defence. "I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you for once! So stop looking at me like that!"

"You're the one calling me naïve!", Kanda spat, "I promised her that I'd take her as my wife", here he frowned and Daisya guessed that he was embarrassed, even if it didn't show on his face, "I love her after all. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be married". Daisya had to grin, finally realizing how absurd it was to have Kanda (which he got to know as a cold, emotionally uninterested boy) talk about his love life and plans for the future. Come to think of it; Kanda never really talked about his wishes and dreams, there seemed to be nothing next to his life as an exorcist. Now there was and it did seem to cause some trouble to the young man. Daisya knew that it was not up to him to give him advice, but he could still take advantage of the situation and have Kanda talk to him.

"No. Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with wanting to be married, but isn't that a bit rushed? As far as I know you didn't knew her last time we met and back then you were not interested in women. And now you suddenly want to marry one?"

"Yes. I doubt that there is any woman beside her that I could love – not that I want to. She is the only one", Kanda said with a stern but honest face, which didn't leave any room for more arguments.

"Oh well", the other exorcist said, shrugging and grinning, "Just remember to invite me to your wedding!"

"Idiot"

- - -

Kanda started measuring time according to the amount of days he and Ellen had taken different trains after their mission in Lucerne. After three months and 24 days he received yet another mission – one that managed to make him furious with Komui.

"Don't be that angry with me! This is necessary! Don't you care about your General?", Komui's voice was to be heard from the fluttering, black golem. Kanda and Daisya were sitting on a bench at an abandoned railway station, waiting for their train.

"Heck no! That old geezer can fend for himself! Do you want to keep me away from home or what?!", Kanda shouted and Daiysa was glad that they were alone here in some godforsaken stretch of land in southern France.

"What? Of course not!", Komui's voice seemed pretty surprised, "But Kanda… That was the first time you called the Black Order home! We should celebrate!"

"Tch! Stop annoying me, you idiot!", Kanda spat and Komui laughed. The young Japanese man tried to calm down, "fine. We'll start looking for General Tiedoll".

"Perfect! You will meet Mari in a town to where we could trace the General. He probably already left, but it's still worth having a look".

"Tch. Fine", Kanda said and then he frowned, "how… about the beansprout? Is she safe?"

"Yes she is. She got hurt a little bit on her last mission in Germany, but it's nothing serious. I am surprised that you even ask", the supervisor commented.

"You'll let her go back, right?", Kanda demanded, ignoring Komui's comment.

"I fear that I can't do that. She's Cross' disciple, we need her to find him", Komui answered and Kanda snorted.

"Great…".

"Don't sound so devastated! She will be fine! I doubt that anything serious is going to happen to her", Komui said, even though Kanda was pretty sure that trying to find General Cross was pretty risky and very difficult considering the man's amazing skill in making himself scarce.

"Don't give me that, Komui", Kanda started darkly, "a General has been killed, the shady Noah clan emerges as a new and potentially very dangerous enemy and you want to convince me that the beansprout will not be endangered?!". Daisya looked up at Kanda with a pitying glance. Exorcists have it though, especially exorcists in love. But from Kanda and Komui's conversation he now knew that this lovely beansprout of Kanda's was an exorcist as well. Daisya pondered on this for a while; certainly, being in love with someone that knows the peculiarity of an exorcist's dangerous and demanding lifestyle clearly had its advantages, but there were downsides as well – which Kanda experienced right now; the constant worry for the other's well-being and long separation during missions.

"Now, now Kanda… Don't be so pessimistic. Surely, her new mission is dangerous, but all of you exorcist's missions are. I cannot take her off the battlefield just because she's young and inexperienced", Komui said and added with a gentler tone, "you know I can't…".

"Of course I know!", Kanda spat and shook his head. There was nothing to add to that. Kanda was perfectly aware that it was not Komui making the decisions to send his people on dangerous missions. He too was always worrying for Linali and all the other exorcists. As long as this damned war lasted there was absolutely nothing they could do to change the situation.

"Kanda, it's not like you to focus on Ellen that much…", Komui commented, "I really appreciate that you think about other people as well recently, but she really is no longer your responsibility… So why-"

"Because I care!!", Kanda cut off Komui's sentence and grit his teeth.

"What?"

"This is no longer about responsibility!", the young man continued, "I just want her to be safe. I want to see her again and still we both must rush from mission to mission. You surely do understand how I feel about that…". Komui was clearly surprised by that and even though Daisya had expected Kanda to say something like that from the beginning, he was surprised as well.

"Kanda…", the supervisor said and then there was a short pause, "of course I understand. I will try to let you both return to the Black Order as soon as possibly"

"Tch. Fine", Kanda snorted and Komui had to laugh.

"Good luck on your mission", the supervisor said and then the connection was terminated.

--

They met the last of Tiedoll's disciples, Noise Mari, in a small town.

"General Tiedoll already left. The town's people told me that they saw him depart two days ago", the tall man reported.

"Tch. Where to?", Kanda wanted to know and Mari pointed to the west.

"Inland, he didn't seem to be in a hurry. We should be able to catch up with him", he replied.

"Oh well. Then let's hurry after him", Daisya suggested and his comrades agreed. "Hey Mari, do you want to hear some delightful news?", the man asked when they were making their way out of town.

"News? What kind of news?", Mari wondered and Daisya grinned.

"Kanda centric news", he announced, elbowing the youngest in the ribs. Kanda only snorted in annoyance, but didn't try to prevent Daisya from continuing.

"What's the matter?", Mari asked, not quite sure what the younger ones were talking about.

"Kanda's got a girlfriend!", Daisya said with a huge grin and Mari raised an eyebrow.

"A girlfriend?", he repeated and turned to look at Kanda. The swordsman just muttered an annoyed curse, the he nodded.

"She's a new exorcist… We've been on missions together…", Kanda said, feeling the need to justify himself in front of his fellow exorcists.

"These are good news, Kanda. Do you mind telling me about her?", Mari asked with a gentle smile. Kanda hesitated, then he sighed.

"Her name's Ellen Walker… She's 15 and comes from a noble, English household", he answered and Daisya widened his eyes.

"So you've got yourself a blue-blooded princess? I'm impressed!", he exclaimed.

"I don't think that she's a princess…", Kanda said, "but she gets close to it…", he added with a slightly embarrassed face. Mari and Daisya exchanged looks and smiled, patting Kanda on the shoulder and head. "Tch! Stop that!", he shouted, swatting their hands away, then he looked down from the hill they were standing on, "we've got better things to do!". The other two followed his gaze and saw a horde of level one and two Akuma floating around.

"Right! Let the fun begin!", Daisya announced, grinning brightly. The other two nodded and then they rushed off into battle.

- - -

Their journey continued. It was the same in each town they visited; General Froi Tiedoll had already left, leaving a trail of Level one and mostly Level two Akuma behind him for his apprentices to clean up.

"That's really bothersome!", Kanda snorted and Mari laughed.

"He's pretty fast", he said, "It seems as if we must continue this game for a little longer. I'm sure we will catch up to him if we speed up a bit".

"Tch", Kanda snorted and Daisya turned to him.

"Why are you in such a foul mood?", he asked with a smirk and Kanda just glared at him.

"I'm not and now shut up!", the black haired man replied.

"I bet you're just angry that we can't find him sooner. Because the sooner we find Tiedoll the sooner you will be reunited with your princess", Daisya commented cheekily and Kanda stared at him with narrowed eyes, daring him to go on speaking when he was already irritated. Daisya, knowing Kanda well enough to not risk his luck, chose to let the subject drop.

"How about searching an inn for the night? We've been wandering for days now. If we go on fighting Akuma, then we should do so fully rested", Mari advised and there was no protest coming from the younger men.

They looked for the closest inn and got themselves one room. Kanda put his suitcase down on the floor and went to sit at the window, staring out into the dark night.

"He's pretty distressed", Mari whispered, when Daisya wanted to comment on it, "we should give him time to brood over things. Love is a serious matter", he said wisely. Daisya narrowed his eyebrows, but nodded.

"Hey, Kanda", Daisya said and the young man just snorted to signal that he was listening, "I saw a phone in the corridor. How about making a call to team Cross?". Kanda frowned and turned around, eyeing his comrade suspiciously, "I'm not going to listen! Honestly!!", he assured him with his hands risen. Kanda seemed to think about that for some time, but then he just grabbed his golem and walked out of the room wordlessly. Daisya grinned. "A serious matter… When it even gets Kanda so worked up then this must be true".

- - -

Kanda walked down the dimly lit corridor up to its end, where there stood an old wobbly table and a telephone hung on the wall next to it. Kanda attached his golem to the telephone and waited for it to connect.

"Get me Rabi's golem", he said into the golem once it was connected to the information bureau. He heard an affirmative reply.

"The message has been sent. Please wait for Rabi to connect the golem", the person said and then it was silent again. Kanda stared at a dirty spot on the table and leant against the window frame. He wasn't even sure what he wanted to say or what he wanted to hear. Maybe it was just affirmation that Ellen was alright. Maybe it would make that restlessness in his head go away, but maybe it would only fuel it. He wasn't that convinced anymore that making a phone call was the best thing to do – maybe he should have gone back to writing letter he never planned on sending anyway. He didn't really have much to say to Ellen… Well maybe he did, but he just couldn't bring himself to say the words aloud. He just knew that he shouldn't…

"Yeeees?", Rabi's voice called after some time and Kanda looked back towards the golem.

"Hey", he said.

"Yu!! How rare of you to make a call! I feel very special right now!", he heard Rabi chirp. Kanda tried to ignore him the best he could and focused on the other noises the golem transmitted. It sounded like a railway station if he wasn't mistaken.

"Where are you now?", Kanda wanted to know.

"At a railway station, still in Germany. We're heading eastwards, because we suspect that General Cross went in this direction", Rabi answered.

"How is the beansprout?", Kanda brought himself to ask and heard Rabi chuckle gently, as if he had expected this question all along (which he probably had).

"She's fine… She suffered some damage while on the last mission, but I've kept an eye on her since I joined the girls".

"Hn. Good. What about her injuries?"

"Most of them healed properly. She's still missing an eye though", the red-head said and Kanda froze.

"What?!", he hissed, "what do you mean by "still missing an eye"?!", he asked loudly.

"Calm down, Yu! It's nothing grave!", he tried to calm him, but such a reaction was to be expected. A lost eye was no small matter after all. "She took a hit to her cursed eye. But it is healing itself. It'll be restored gramps said". Kanda was not really pleased but there was nothing he could do about it anyway. "I was pretty surprised when I saw her the first time. Well second time actually", Rabi continued, changing the topic.

"Why?", Kanda asked and could hear Rabi laugh.

"You didn't really exaggerate when you described her, but I still imagined that the girl you fall in love with must be… a real goddess. Maybe something like an amazon or a valkyrie…"

"It's not her looks I fell in love with, even though she is beautiful. Maybe not the way you like your women, but she's pure and that the closest you'll ever get to a goddess". Rabi sighed.

"You're such a romantic, Yu. I'm moved"

"Tch. Just shut up, I don't need to hear that", Kanda snorted, "where is she?"

"Ellen? She is in the waiting room, sleeping. Do you want me to go fetch her?", Rabi asked and Kanda thought about that with a frown. What would he say to her? He remembered all those pages filled with overly romantic revelations and womanish emotions. Stupid.

"No. Let her sleep. I just wanted to know if she's well", Kanda replied.

"Oh", Rabi said and sounded a bit disappointed, "do you want me to tell her anything then?". Kanda was silent for a while, but then he made up his mind.

"Yes. Just tell her that she should remember her promise", he said and could picture Rabi's confusion.

"That is all?"

"That is all", Kanda affirmed, "and continue keeping an eye on her".

"Will be done! Tell me where you are, I'm sure that Ellen would like to know". Kanda snorted but decided to tell him:

"Southern France. We're still moving inland. I guess that we're on our way to the Spanish border. We're still looking for General Tiedoll. Maybe we can meet once we find him".

"Good! I'm sure Ellen will be happy when she hears that", Rabi said but Kanda wasn't too sure about that. He did hope it though.

"That's all I wanted to say, good bye".

"Okay! I'll keep you up to date if anything comes up! See you soon!", Rabi replied and the connection was terminated. Kanda hung up and unplugged his golem. He turned towards the window and looked out into the sky.

"At least she's fine… That's enough for now…"

To be continued

Notes:

Kanda… You finally make another appearance and then you're being very cheesy. The letters (those he actually posted!) will (probably) make a comeback in later chapters! Lol (He promised to write letters once in a while after all!)

I hope you were not freaked out by the OOC-ness…I have a hard time picturing Kanda in love…

Feedback? :3 :3

P.S. I realized that I keep changing from "Black Order" to "Dark Order"... Probably because there are both terms available...