Author's Notes:

I looked forward to the Asia Branch Mini Arc but I equally dreaded it. From here on the story can't help but shifting slightly.

Now, Ellen needs to make her first big choice: Will she continue being an exorcist or will she take the chance and flee right back into the arms of her mother? Find out in chapter 30! (I felt the need to make this sound flashy, it's chapter 30 after all, I never believed that I would get this far!)

I hope you can enjoy!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man belongs to Katsura Hoshino

Kapitel 30: Undeniable truth

Breathing sounded deep, hollow, as if someone were blowing out innumerable candles, one after the other. Countless breaths that resounded from far off walls, from lifeless crooked trees that seemed to reach out with bony fingers, from the darkness that threw itself around Ellen like a suffocating cloak.

She took step by step, following her shadow that threw itself over a broken paved floor. She felt insubstantial as if the faintest wind might scatter her like the cold, grey ashes of a dead fire. She walked, even though she had no destination to reach and no starting point she could recollect. The night around her was neither cold nor warm and there were no sounds but her own steps on the pavement that were slurred and stumbling, nearly matching the rhythm of a heart beating too slowly. No sound beside the continuous deep and even breathing around her, that was engulfing her like darkness, like the snow that had started falling.

Ellen stopped, not because she wanted to, but because she could not continue walking. The paved road ahead of her stopped, a smooth mirror surface laying before her. She took this moment to finally look up from her own feet.

"This place… Where am I…?", she wondered and turned to look back to where she had come from. She saw nothing more than a small paved square, around it was what seemed to be water. The path she had walked beforehand had disappeared. She had nowhere to go to. The falling snow made no sound and Ellen looked up into the sky, which was peculiarly without a single cloud and the snow looked like glittering white stars. The black sky was dominated by the pale white crescent of an enormously huge moon. "This big, white moon… Nothing in this place feels this real… Maybe I am in the afterlife because I have died?", she asked herself calmly.

The breathing and the faint heartbeats continued to give this melancholic, quiet place its own melody. Ellen watched the moon and the falling snow in silence. To have died. It must be a terrible thing, she should be devastated, frightened, full of guilt and remorse. But she felt nothing at the moment, just tranquility. After a while she realized something and looked to the side.

"Oh? Even though the moon in the sky is white…", she thought and looked down, "it is reflecting black on the water's surface". Ellen slowly kneeled down, looking into the water which began to show her an image. The world on Ellen's side was dark, with a white crescent hanging in the sky, leafless old trees growing somewhere and there were various angular stones still left standing and various crosses stuck out of the water, as if they belonged to graves. Where in the world was Ellen? And what was it that she was seeing? The world beneath her was eerily white. She could discern ruins of a building, probably a church or tower of some kind. And sitting at the highest place was a human being, behind them loomed a mirrored black crescent.

"What is this?", Ellen wondered, "Is this Linali?". She looked a bit closer and thought that she could see the young girl crying over a figure that had its head resting in her lap. But why? Why was she seeing something like this? "Why? Is this not the afterlife? And those ruins…". Ellen looked at the destruction she saw in the water. "It cannot be… What happened to all the others? The war… And why is Linali all alone at this place?". She could see Linali crying and frowned. The first emotion she felt after what seemed an eternity was worry. Why was she alone? Why wasn't anyone there to comfort her? And where was Kanda? If these were the ruins of the Black Order then where was he? "I have to go there…", Ellen thought and slowly reached out her hand. She could see her Innocence arm (strange, she thought that she had lost it?) reflected in the water. But before she could touch the surface a dark grey, almost black, hand reached out of the water, grabbing her. Ellen started back in surprise but the hand wouldn't let her go. And the melancholic comfort of the sounds of breathing and a heart that suddenly pounded faster, was broken by a voice whispering to her:

"Ah-ah. No you can't". Ellen stared at the hand coming out of the water and then she realized that the water was freezing over.

"No! Linali! The others! Let go of me!", she shouted but as she looked down she widened her eyes, feeling breathless, scared and immobilized. There was a figure reflected in the water, wearing the same clothes as she did but its colours were reversed and of the face she could see nothing more than a black shape with white gleaming eyes and a wide grin.

"I said: No, you can't…", the figure whispered and Ellen stared at it, its strong hold on her hand nearly crushing her fingers, cold spreading through her arm, slowly ascending to her shoulder.

"Who is this?", Ellen asked herself with wide eyes, staring into the reflection's face, "You…" And then everything was gone in a flash of light.

-

When she slowly opened her eyes she could only see the blurred image of a stone wall and stone columns. She felt numbness and, trying to push through this drowsiness, pain. But above all just numb and strangely… empty. She breathed evenly, the air she drew into her lungs was a bit chilly and smelt humid like in a stone cave. Her head was resting on a pillow and she realized that she was lying in a bed. With her eyes still not being able to focus, she tilted her head to the side, the pillow rustled faintly, but there was nothing else to hear. But she saw something; arms on the bed and her head resting on them, was a young girl, sleeping on her bed-side. And suddenly – as if finally waking up - Ellen widened her eyes and gasped, turning her head back to look straight at the ceiling.

"I…", she started, her voice slightly hoarse, "am alive…". It took her a few long and painful moments to realize that she was indeed still living. She tried to sit up after a while but then she noticed that her left arm was missing. She looked at the bandages that covered her chest, only leaving traces of the breasts hidden beneath. Over her left shoulder she wore some kind of cloth that hid her missing arm. She put her weight on her right arm and helped herself into a sitting position. Her arm stung with the pressure and she found it completely wrapped up in bandages, not even the shape of her hand was visible beneath all the layers of fabric.

"Why… Why am I alive?", Ellen asked herself, ignoring her other concerns for the moment, "This Noah… he should have killed me… I bled, out of my heart…", she thought putting her left hand over her chest, feeling how it rose and sunk slowly with every breath she took. "I have felt how death approached me…". She remembered lying in the forest, wounded, bleeding and dying, looking up at a moon that seemed too big to be real, so threatening that it seemed to her as if it came closer, demanding something of her she was too afraid to give. "This feeling of wanting to flee, but not being able to escape…". Ellen slowly lowered her head, looking down without focussing on anything. "I have felt it… It was death…". Ellen started trembling slightly, a terrible feeling spreading from the pit of her stomach, turning her whole body cold, trembling, desolate. Then tears started forming in her eyes, running down her cheeks without restraint. "Death…", she repeated in her mind. Her throat burned and hurt with the urge to cry out loud, but that she would not admit, she was too shaken to even speak. She lifted her hand, looking at its distorted shape; it was trembling as well.

"Uh…", she finally hissed and brought her hand up to her head, clenching her teeth and letting the tears fall. "Why am I crying? I should be happy to be alive", she thought, "or am I sad?". She lowered her head on her knees and continued sobbing. "I don't know. But I cannot stop trembling…".

She had failed, she had seen people dying, she faced another Noah, she was powerless, she almost died, she didn't know where she was, she was scared.

Ellen, despite feeling weak, threw back the covers and slipped out of bed, carefully enough as not to wake the girl that had guarded her. Ellen tried her best to grab the blanket and draw it over the young girl's form, but even that was very difficult as she barely managed to touch anything with the bandages around her hand. She looked down at it through the tears in her eyes and continued trembling. Suman. Ellen tightly shut her eyes and shook her head.

"No! Ah – mother!", she breathed and started fleeing, not knowing where to because she did not know these dark, cold corridors. But she knew one thing; she could not stay in bed and let herself be consumed by terrifying thoughts.

She walked on and on without meeting anybody in the deserted corridor. She was cold, trembling and crying silently. Her own thoughts were too chaotic, her head too messed up to even try to find out where she was. Her heart, her heart that must have been pierced by the Noah, was now hammering against her rib-case, and her lungs burned with every short breath she took.

"I can't. Please", she cried to no one in particular and stumbled into a big hall. Only a few lights were illuminating the room and Ellen saw a large, colourful gate in front of her. Was it really a door or just a wall painting? She walked over to it, climbing the few steps that led up to it and looked up. It didn't seem to be a door she could open and Ellen put her hand against it. She couldn't even feel if the stone was cold against her touch. She pressed her forehead against the wall and started sobbing again, slowly sliding down and seemed nothing more than a picture of misery. Why was the door closed? Why did she mind so much? It did seem to her as if she was now trapped again with no way out. Trapped, even though the people of this place probably had saved her.

"But I don't even want to go out! Why am I crying?!", Ellen shouted to herself, no longer able to cry in silence, "Ellen, why are you so stupid?!", she shouted, "I have brought it all upon myself…! It's all my own fault…".

"Do you really think so?", a voice called from the shadows and Ellen turned her head to the side, her eyes wide. She saw a man sitting in the shadow of a column, not far from where she was standing.

"Who are you?", Ellen cautiously dared to ask, her tears still running down her cheeks.

"My name is Bak Chan, I am the leader of the Black Order's Asia Branch", he said and rose, stepping out of the shadow. Ellen widened her eyes.

"Black Order?", she whispered and Bak nodded. Ellen lowered her head and bit her lips. "I haven't moved away then…"

"Are you thinking about running away?", the stranger asked, but Ellen shook her head, "then are you trying to turn your back on responsibility?"

"Responsibility", Ellen repeated with a humourless snort, wiping her bandaged wrist over her face, but her tears kept flowing. "How I wish that I would be able to run, but I cannot. Never in this life-time".

"Then why are you here?", the branch leader continued to ask and Ellen squeezed her eyes shut, turning her head to the side.

"I don't know", Ellen whispered, "but I could not take it to stay in bed. I just walked. I walked to get my thoughts sorted out, but then I ended up at a closed door".

"And this angers you?"

"No! God, no. I have no idea what is going on in my head any longer!", Ellen shouted and shook her head, "I have lost my arm, but by some twisted turn of fate I managed to survive something I should have never been able to live through! I should be glad! I should also be exstatic that the Innocence is gone. But... I know that I have been naïve to believe that just getting rid of the Innocence would enable me to return to a life I should have led! But I still hoped! And here I am, despairing because I cannot pass a door that would maybe get me back to the place I fear most! I…", Ellen shook her head and wasn't able to say anything else. The blond man just walked over to her and kneeled down next to her.

"Well, there is no sense in agonizing over it right now. You have been dangerously wounded. You first need to clear your head and then you might be able to sort out your thoughts and feelings", Bak suggested and pulled Ellen up on her feet. "Before we ask you any too disturbing questions we better put you in a bed".

"Huh?", Ellen wondered when she heard him say that, but he just shook his head. Bak put his hand on her back and led her out of the room.

"You must be cold, Walker, if you hadn't left your bed once you've woken up, we would have been able to get you some decent clothes", Bak said once they arrived in a corridor illuminated not by flickering torches but by electric light and Ellen started shaking because it was chilly. The girl looked down on herself and put her right arm over her chest. She was rather naked, even though she wore bandages.

"Excuse me, I did not mean to be rude… I was not thinking. At least not the right things", Ellen replied in an embarrased tone and Bak laughed lightly.

"Take a seat in this room", Bak said and opened a door to his right. It was not the same as the one she had woken up in; it was closed on all sides and had a bed in the middle and monitors around it. It looked similar to the rooms Komui had in his science division, but Ellen rarely needed to go there. "Sit. There on the bed", Bak told Ellen and she walked over to it, sitting down, while Bak took a seat on a chair next it. Before he said anything to Ellen, who was looking at him, he sighed deeply.

"I had a good look at you to get an idea what exactly happened. When you were found I first thought that you were dead. When I realized that you were still breathing I gave you slim chances to survive. However, you proved me wrong and you survived. I bet you wonder why". Ellen nodded, putting her hand on her head. "Your Innocence is not completely gone", he said and Ellen widened her eyes. "Part of it was in your body when the Noah destroyed your arm. You were lucky. The Innocence particles got through your blood into the heart and filled the hole the Noah has torn".

"The Innocence is still there…?" Ellen asked with astonishment and doubt written all over her face. Bak nodded seriously "and is there a way to recover it in its entirety?"

"Do you really want to think about that right now?", he asked quite gravely and Ellen looked at him in surprise. "Ellen Walker", the young man repeated her name and Ellen felt some kind of menace coming that she just didn't know how to get out of. Therefore she continued looking at him and when he saw her face he sighed deeply, drawing his chair nearer to her. "The reason that you survived is that you had Innocence circulating through you… Usually this does not happen, even with parasitic Innocence users… However, there is a circumstance that made this circulation and the storing of Innocence particles in your body possible". Ellen averted her eyes to stare at her bandaged hand, like a remorseful child that had been caught doing something bad. Bak decided to continue even though it wasn't easy for him either: "did you know that you are with child?"

"I…", Ellen started and nodded after a while, "yes. I assumed as much" she replied, her voice surprisingly steady. Bak studied her quietly, not daring to reach out to pat her, even though he would have liked to comfort her.

"It must be hard for you. I understand if you don't want to speak about it, but maybe we can help you. Who did this to you? Do you know his name?", he asked and Ellen looked up at him in surprise. "Do you?", Bak repeated his question and Ellen nodded.

"I do, of course. It did not happen against my consent if this is what concerns you". Bak widened his eyes in surprise and Ellen blushed in shame. "I know, it was a foolish thing to do, but I was willingly doing… the act", she raised her hand to cover her face, "I was being naïve…". Bak seemed to have gotten over his initial shock and now studied the young girl.

"Did you tell anyone?", he wondered and Ellen shook her head, "why didn't you?". Ellen stayed silent and bit her lips. After a while tears started to form in her head and Bak almost took a jump backwards.

"I…I was so afraid and ashamed", Ellen confessed, "I have done something terribly wrong and there is no way to repent for it. I just… I just hoped that it would simply go away! But it didn't! No matter how fierce the battle was I threw myself in, no matter the strain on my body; it would just not go away!", she said and started crying again, while Bak was just fidgeting, not knowing what to do.

"Walker!", he called after some time and grabbed Ellen by the shoulders, "Walker don't cry!", he said and Ellen stopped weeping for a short while to look at the young man in front of her. He let out a sigh of relief and smiled. "I understand that this situation must be very difficult for you… But there are still ways to deal with it". Ellen wiped her eyes.

"What? What do you mean?", she wondered, her breathing still irregular.

"You could for example start working for me, you could start as my assistant. Or you could help out as a nurse. There are many ways to be a part of the Black Order without being an exorcist. We surely would find the right thing for you do to. You would be able to give birth to your child, raise it if you want and wait until the war ends… You see, there are many ways to still serve God even without using your Innocence, you will surely not fall from grace". Ellen looked at him in surprise, her wide eyes puffy red and tears still shining in them. After a while she averted her eyes and lowered her head.

"I… do not care about that… I do not care about what God thinks of me…", Ellen said after some moments of silence. "But… I cannot wait for the war to end. I have thought that if I had the chance to just turn my back on everything that I have seen these past four months then I would take the chance and be happy. But how could I do that?!", Ellen called and shook her head, "how could I face my mother? How could I face my own mirror reflection? I would fail both my dear mother who puts so much faith in me and Mana whom I have promised to be strong. I would not be able to survive the humiliation of turning my back on my promises and my responsibilities", she took a deep breath and sighed, then she looked back at Bak, "I must seem like a terrible person to you. I am weak and I have brought destruction upon myself. You asked me if I really think that it is my fault. Yes, yes I do think so. I was born with Innocence, but it is my decision what I make of my life. I have made mistakes and I will take the blame for them, even though I know I also could destroy my mother. But, as hard this is for me, that is not all… How…", she sighed again, biting her lips because she didn't manage to hold back new tears, "how could I ever face him if I ran now? How could I leave him alone? How could I leave him on this dangerous battlefield to fend for himself? I might not have any Innocence with me, but I am not dead yet… I will not go back on my promises", she whispered. Bak watched her crying silently but bitterly. After a while he sighed and got up from his chair.

"I understand, Walker. Your Innocence is not completely lost. However, I cannot say yet if you will be able to recover it. It was important for me to know about your feelings. If you betray your Innocence then you could turn into a Fallen One as well. But how I came to know now, there is something that ties you to the battle field, despite the chance you have now to turn your back on it, despite the fact that you are with child now. Komui and I, we had to know that you would be strong enough to face war even though you've seen such things as Fallen Ones and death itself". Ellen managed to smile because Bak was doing the same. "By the way, I did not tell Komui yet. About your condition. I first wanted to talk to you".

"Thank you. I do not think that I am ready yet to tell him, but I am sure that he will come to know sooner or later".

"There are still about 6 months left to go. Let us hope that we have won this war until then and that you will come to appreciate this resistant little thing in your body that managed to save your life". Ellen blushed and nodded hesitantly. Saved her life. She had not thought of it like this yet. It had saved her life by just being there. And she…? She had tried to get rid of it by exposing herself to danger.

"I am a terrible person…", Ellen thought to herself gloomily.

"Well, do you mind telling me the name of the father?"

"The father?", Ellen asked, blushing again. Father! What a completely alien term! Especially if it was used for Kanda!

"Yes? Didn't you tell me you knew his name?", Bak wondered.

"Ah… Yes… It is-", she said but the rest of her sentence was swallowed up by the loud sound of the door banging open and somebody screaming at the top of their lungs:

"Ahaaaaaaa!! Here you are!!". Ellen blinked in surprise and then something came flying into the room, hitting Back so that he crashed into the wall. "Even an exorcist can't just do what she wants for as long as she stays in our Asia Branch! And above all you could have thanked me when you woke up instead of wandering off! I got you out of the forest after all!". It was the young girl that Ellen had seen sleeping next to her bed. Meanwhile Bak had recovered and started shouting as well.

"What do you think you're doing hitting the honourable me!?". Ellen frowned, but didn't say anything to this strange way of addressing oneself. The girl didn't react either and just pointed at Ellen.

"Now thank me properly. You there, with the white hair!", the girl demanded and Ellen saw another man rushing into the room, grabbing Bak as he continued screaming at the girl that dared to ignore him.

"T… Thank you that you saved me…", Ellen started but she did not know who she was talking with.

"Foh. Her name is Foh", the elderly man who was holding on to Bak said. "She's the guardian of the Asia Branch. My name is Wong, I assist Master Bak. I am very glad that you are better, Walker". Ellen looked at the friendly man in surprise, but then she smiled and lowered her head.

"Thank you very much… All of you. I want to thank you that you saved me…", Ellen said, bowing and holding on to her right shoulder. "Really… Thank you", she repeated.

"And to you too, Kanda, for saving me once again in a way I would have never thought possible", Ellen added in her thoughts.

-

Ellen was transferred into another room, one with white tiles on the floor and white washed walls that had blue symbols and drawings on them at the upper end. It didn't have more than a metal bed with clean, white bedsheets and a writing table with a chair.

"It isn't much, but we hope that you will feel at home until you leave us again", Wong explained, putting a gas lamp on Ellen's night table. Bak was lingering at the door, not coming in, but also not leaving yet. Ellen's rescuer, the guardian Foh, had left in the direction of the big hall.

"Thank you, Mr. Wong", Ellen replied with a faint smile, sitting down on the bed upon Wong's bidding.

"If you are a bit better then we can try to start the process of regaining your Innocence", Bak said from the door and Ellen could only see a part of him, because he was leaning against the door frame. "I know that you are being serious and that you are in no danger of betraying your Innocence", he continued, "but I would feel more comfortable to hear that you are determined after you have thought about it for some more time. You heard a lot today and you went through a lot. So it might be best to do some pondering..."

"Do you think that I should change my mind?", Ellen wondered and Bak took his time to answer. Meanwhile Wong unwrapped the bandages around Ellen's chest and she saw that she was unhurt even though her heart had been pierced. Bak coughed lightly and then he decided to reply:

"I do not know much about your background so I am only judging by the fact that you are pregnant...", Bak explained, "I think that your child has only survived until now because it is protected by your Innocence... I guess that it would continue surviving even if you resumed fighting. But it could be difficult"

"I never really worried about that – about losing it I mean", Ellen replied, "I did not want it to live, I acutally did not even want to acknowledge that it existed..."

"Why?", Bak wanted to know but Ellen couldn't muster up enough courage to reply. "You don't have to tell me if it troubles you too much. But think about what I said... There are reasons to go and reasons to stay".

"Yes... I will take it to heart...", Ellen replied quietly and then she thanked Wong for the change of bandages. "If you would allow me to be alone for a moment... I would like to think for a bit...".

"Of course. I will come for you tomorrow morning, then we can have a look at your Innocence", Bak said, then he wished the girl a good night and left with Wong.

Ellen watched the door closing after the two and then she sighed. What exactly was she supposed to do now? What was she supposed to say? She could no longer run away from the truth; her mistake, sleeping with Kanda, really had serious consequences. She had tried to come to terms with it for the last two months but it was rather hard to do. If her mother knew – and she would if Ellen and the child survived the war – then it would be a lot harder to marry her to a good man. Especially if her child was a son; an illegitimate child could not be the heir of such an old family as the Bermonts. And no man of good reputation would take in a son of another man's blood as his heir. Ellen knew that if she were of lower social standing, this would not matter as much; she would just marry the child's father. If he still wanted to marry her that is, maybe Kanda was no longer interested in her, she needed to consider this possibility, painful as it was. However, as she was nobility, marrying Kanda was not an option. She hoped that her mother would still find her someone and if she decided to be cruel as punishment for disobedience then Lady Bermont could always take the child to an orphanage. And maybe this would even be the best option. Ellen sighed deeply and lay down on the bed.

"I have lost my Innocence, I am no longer an exorcist. This is my chance to return to my mother's side", she thought and then she squeezed her eyes shut. In her mind she saw the Black Order, her new gained friends, Kanda. This was a new world, another life she led, a life that was connected to her experiences with Mana. Could she really leave this world? And the life that she had known beforehand... Was it really as great as she had always thought it to be with all its obligations, restrictions and pains? Was it really that important?

"Yes", Ellen affirmed, "it IS important, even if it is no ideal life. But now was not the right time to return to it. Not when I am needed. I knew that I would not be able to turn my back on my friends. I do not care about glory or God, I just want to protect my friends". Thus this meant: No, she could not leave this world yet. She had obligations as well, different ones, but they were important enough. She could not run, she had to continue being an exorcist, even if it would bring her pain. This was her choice; she chose to protect in stead of being protected. She chose to go her own path now and to follow the one her mother set for her after she had fulfilled her promises. Ellen thought that this decision was very good and that she should stick with it for the time being. And if she could focus her attention on regaining Innocence then she could – for the moment – forget about all the other worries. Ellen lay down on the bed, pulling the covers over her, awkwardly touching her left shoulder. She had to shudder and squeezed her eyes shut.

"Don't think about it. Don't think about it! Just DO it! You know what the right thing to do is!", Ellen hissed to herself and then she forced her mind to shut down and fell into a heavy, dreamless sleep.

To be continued

-

Now I'm interested :D