Raphael was finding hidden reserves of energy that he'd never realized existed. The disrupted night of sleep and the stress of searching for Donny and waiting for news wasn't making a dent in his unflagging assault on the punching bag.
Over the years, he'd taken to physically venting his emotions less and talking more, but no words could relieve the amount of rage built up inside of him. Raphael had lost track of time and the number of blows. He'd been pacing himself slightly so as not to destroy his sparring opponent or tire himself out quickly. That translated into giving way to a controlled burn, rather than an explosion that would then fizzle out.
Raphael's main objective through the entire workout was not to allow himself time to think or a chance to beat himself up, which is exactly what he wanted to do. I'm the one who found the dang phone! Why didn't I take it back to the surface myself? Why'd I let Donny play the martyr? He went out of his way to help Kat, got reamed out by Brandon, and all I did was sit back and tell Donny that Bran might have had a point.
Screw that, man, Don was only trying to help, and he protected Kat at the same time! He completely took the fall like it was his own idea. I should have told Donny it wasn't his fault. Shell, I'd give anything to rewind a few hours!
The red-masked turtle angrily swiped at sweat that was running into his eyes, growling in frustration as his fervor against the punching bag suddenly increased. The weighted bag was truly being tested now, tasting the burden of fury as it was unleashed in a white hot flash.
It's not supposed to go down this way! How many times have we said it? If we go down, we do it together. That's the way we always wanted it, or at least I did. My fear has never been about dying. It's being left behind without somebody else.
An unholy yell left his mouth as his full-fledged assault on the punching bag turned lethal. The steel rings that provided support for the bag gave out, snapping in a fashion that suggested they'd already bent under the stress of his continued attack. Raphael watched the punching bag plummet to the mat, noting the sand spilling from a seam with regret.
"Now that it's dead, will you take a breather?" Karina asked evenly.
Raphael was startled, though he wouldn't have admitted it. Inwardly he wondered how long the Latin woman had been watching him in the dojo, but he maintained a hardened exterior as he turned to face her.
"I have to do something, Karina. It's either vent here, or find the punks who did this so I can vent on them!" The words came out breathlessly as his heart continued to race from his frenzied finale.
"Raph, I know, okay? I understand this is your method for dealing with things. But you're also shutting me out, and that's not a habit I'm going to let you pick up. I'll fight tooth and nail to get back inside of your head."
The turtle sighed heavily. "You'd have to fight tooth and nail to get out of it, Kari," he said sheepishly, now faintly embarrassed at the display he'd put on for her. I used to think there was nothing better than unleashing raw power, as if it equaled complete freedom. It doesn't feel that way now. It seems like I'm only thinking of me.
Raphael shifted uncomfortably on his feet, waiting for her to speak. Surely Karina needed to chide him in some way for the shell-head he'd been. Instead the bronze-haired woman was standing quietly, not relaxed, but neither attacking.
"Aren't you gonna say anything?" he asked.
"I want to help you, Tortuga, I'm just not sure how."
"You could start by beating me over the head for only caring about myself."
"I don't expect you to be able to think straight right now, Raph." Karina came forward, brushing fingers over his shoulder. "Can we sit down? I think you got your workout for the day in."
Raphael rolled his eyes at the ruined punching bag. "I controlled it for a while, but the temper still won out in the end. Some things won't ever change."
The red-masked turtle leaned against the wall and sank to the floor on the mat, rather than sitting down on the bench. Karina followed his example, drawing her legs up underneath her on the ground.
Raphael shivered as the intensity of the exercise faded, leaving him with the crushing reality of his grief. He couldn't bring himself to speak, and Karina stayed silent as well. By the way the woman was fidgeting on the mat, the turtle knew she was only biding her time.
"Kari, just fire away, huh?" he encouraged. "No sense in holding out on me."
The young woman smoothed hair behind her ear absent-mindedly as she reached for his arm with her other hand. "Seeing you take out the punching bag reminded me of something, Raph. Another night years ago when I caught you venting."
"You might have to be a little more specific, Kari."
"You won't remember it," she said quietly. "It happened not long after I met you, during the whole amnesia episode."
"Well, the good news is I'm the same guy whether I'm inhabiting my own head or not," he said tongue-in-cheek.
"You were such a violent force that night, it scared me. I almost didn't interrupt you, but part of me felt like I had to. You were cutting your brothers off completely, whereas with me—"
"I was an honest, open teddy-bear?"
"I wouldn't go that far," she said dryly. "But I ended up realizing something about you that night. Venting isn't just about anger for you – it's an escape. It's the place you naturally run when you come up against something you don't know how to fight. The problem is that after your energy is burned and the workout is finished, you're left with the same questions and feelings that you started with. The momentary release doesn't provide you any kind of a lasting solution."
"I told you that you're in my head, Kari." Raphael's gaze was unfocused as it traveled through empty space. "It feels good while I'm at it, but afterward there's nothing to do but crash back down to Earth. I don't know why I let Don go last night. I don't. I was probably being selfish, wanting some more time alone with you while Liv was sleeping. I never should have handed off that phone."
"Raph, nothing good can come from that line of thinking. It's natural to feel guilty, as if the entire night's events could have been avoided by changing one small decision. But the truth is that none of us knows what really happened, and it's already done. You can't hold yourself responsible any more than the others should."
"It ain't really a choice for me, Kari."
The woman stroked his cheek so softly that he barely felt her hand on his skin. The turtle turned to her, unable to hide the burden of hopelessness that was weighing him down.
"What is it that your Sensei used to say to Jenna?" she asked. "Something about thoughts being like birds?"
"Yeah," he said faintly. "You can't stop 'em from flying over your head, but you shouldn't let them nest there."
Karina nodded. "You can't help the way you feel, Raph, but you don't have to continue feeding these thoughts."
He leaned more heavily against the wall, blinking through the first open tears he'd shed since receiving Donatello into his arms after entering the sewer.
Karina pressed closer to him on the mat. "I know that I'm not much help, Raph, but I'm still here. We're all here, and no one can go through this alone. You heard Leo."
"Aw, shell…Fearless." Raphael immediately began to rise. "He asked me not to do this, and I went ahead and did it anyway. I always end up sticking him in the role of being the adult around here. That's real fair, isn't it?"
"He didn't say you couldn't have any time to yourself, Raph."
"We should get outta here," Raphael replied. "I've been holed up for too long. What's Liv doing? Geesh, I don't even know what time it is."
Karina looked at her watch. "It's a little after 1pm. Olivia will be down for another hour at least."
"I'm sorry for ducking out on you, Kari. One of these days, I'm gonna do the right thing to start with."
Jenna's eyes were heavy as she hunched over in her chair in the Lab, but she couldn't bring herself to leave the room, and no one had suggested that she do so. As hard as it was to see Donatello completely dead to the world, it was more difficult to consider leaving him.
She wasn't the only one who hadn't budged in the Lab. Luke, Marcus, and Caleb were on the opposite side of the room, huddled around the bank of computers that served as Donny's Control Center. Jenna couldn't hear more than a few words of what they were saying, and she understood even less.
That's okay, as far as I'm concerned. I've heard all the truth that I can handle for one day.
Tears were temporarily spent, leaving her with empty weariness as her companion. Jenna wasn't inclined to fight the exhaustion, not with the number of other emotions she'd been battling. She almost felt like she was asleep with her eyes open, when a cold nose jerked her back to reality.
The young woman looked down to see one of the border collies nudging her hand. "How did you get in here? You're going to get in trouble, Noah."
Jenna got to her feet stiffly, taking the dog by the collar. The Lab was pretty much the only place into which the dogs were forbidden to go, even though Tiger the cat had managed to supersede the rule through the years. She was about to steer Noah toward the door, when another soft whimper caught her attention.
Jenna looked around, but she couldn't tell from where the sound had come. The jingling of tags from her collar gave Molly away, and the woman spied the missing dog hiding under Donatello's bed.
"Molly, c'mon," she urged the animal. "Come out of there."
The border collie scooted further under, whining in a way that almost broke Jenna's heart. She heard footsteps and looked over her shoulder to see Caleb coming. His reddish hair was nearly standing on end, and his silver-rimmed glasses were hanging from his right hand.
"Here, Jenna, I'll get them out of here," he said apologetically.
"Just handle Molly. I don't think she wants to come out." The young woman meant to continue pushing Noah out of the room, but she was drawn to watch Caleb as he took control of his dog.
"Molly, come," he said firmly. "Come."
The dog crawled out from underneath the bed with a pitiful look in her brown eyes.
"Sorry, sweetheart." Caleb nudged Molly toward the door to the living area.
Once both dogs were safely on the other side, Caleb shuddered through a deep breath.
"The poor girl," he said. "Molly really is taken with Donny."
Jenna shook her head. "I feel bad, because I know they don't understand."
"They can sense pain," Caleb said thoughtfully. "And they understand when everything isn't right with their world. I'd let them stay, but Don's infection risk is already high from surgery." The man looked her squarely in the eyes. "How are you holding up? I hate seeing you over here by yourself."
"It's better that way, Caleb. I don't feel like making much conversation. I just want to be with him."
"You look tired, Jenna."
"So do you," she countered. "But you're also the newbie on the block. I'm sure you didn't expect the world to go to hell this quickly."
"I've been told that there's no in-between, that it's either quiet or chaos. I certainly don't feel as prepared as Luke and Marcus, but I'm doing the best I can, and I'll continue to stay that course."
Jenna gazed gratefully at the older man, who'd so recently been their key to saving Michelangelo's life from genetic disaster. The man had immediately given up his life and work in North Carolina to follow the family when they returned to New York City after the earthquake.
Where Caleb was less experienced with hands-on patient care, he made up for it with a unique knowledge of genetics and DNA that had proved crucial in Mike's case.
We didn't see Mike's salvation coming, Jenna recalled. None of us knew if he'd last even a couple more months. But he got his miracle, and it isn't too late for Donny to get his. I have to keep telling myself that.
"Jenna, is there anything I can do for you?" Caleb asked seriously.
"Only what you've been doing," she answered. "I can't ask for anything more. I'll just be here waiting." Waiting for a miracle, she added inwardly.