Author's Notes:
Aaaaah! Hoshino, why do you need to kill my plot ideas??!
Tch. This fan fiction will just ignore recent developments until further notice (*lol* how irresponsible)
Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man belongs to Katsura Hoshino
Kapitel 38: Words unspoken
The white city of the Ark lay in complete and peaceful silence. Ellen looked up at the seemingly endless blue sky with the occasional white doves flying over the roofs of the houses. Rabi and Kanda had carried the still unconscious Crowley into the white room where Cross and Linali were, while Chao Zhi and Ellen lingered behind. She did not say anything to him, she merely had hands folded behind her back and leant against the wall of a building while he sat on the stairs – as silent as she was. She did cast one hesitant look in his direction, but still could not make up her mind to speak to him.
"He must hate me and I understand his anger even though I do think he is overreacting… Maybe I should first let him cool down a bit…" Ellen mused, while Chao Zhi stubbornly focused all his attention on the white floor. She probably would not get around interacting with him in the future as he seemed to be compatible with Innocence. Therefore it would be best for them to make peace as fast as possible. Ellen nodded to herself and mustered her courage. She turned around and looked at the young man.
"Mister Chao Zhi," she spoke up and he raised his head to look at her, "let me please apologize to you if I have offended your feelings." She said. He seemed quite confused to hear her speak to him, but then he blushed and glued his eyes to the ground again.
"I…" he started, but was then interrupted by Rabi and Kanda who returned from the secret room of the Fourteenth.
"What's the matter? Why do you look so down you two?" Rabi wondered. Ellen laughed uneasily.
"Do not worry! There is nothing wrong!" Rabi raised an eyebrow, but then he sighed.
"The General told us to go look around the town, just in case there's still a Noah in here!".
"Oh, I see. Should we get going then?" Ellen proposed but Chao Zhi hesitated to come with them. Ellen looked at him uneasily, but Kanda stepped in.
"There is no point in all of us looking together. We split up. Beansprout, you come with me!" he ordered, then he walked away into one direction. Rabi blinked in surprise, but he nodded and grinned at Chao Zhi.
"Well! Come on Chao Zhi! Let's explore for a bit!" The young man finally agreed and followed the red-head. Ellen sighed but then she walked up to Kanda, trotting beside him with a cast-down face.
"What's the matter with him?" Kanda asked after they had walked in silence for a while. Ellen hesitated to answer, but the fact that Kanda had even realized that there was tension between them reassured her that he would also hear her out.
"You… might think me stupid…" Kanda snorted, but Ellen continued never the less, "but I wanted to save a Noah after I exorcised him…" Kanda stopped, making Ellen halt as well. The young man turned around and looked at her with a doubtful frown. Ellen fretted a bit, but then she decided to justify her decision. "I did truly think that his Noah was gone for good! That he was only an ordinary human now! And why should I not save him? He has a right to live and repent for what he did! It was not my place to judge him! Or - Heaven forbid! - to decide to let him die! I just… I could not!"
"You are a fool, beansprout…" Kanda started, "and in the eyes of the victims, it will never do you good to have mercy towards those who have wronged us… However," he continued and this made Ellen look up, "I think you chose well. You were responsible enough to do what you thought was right even though many who aren't half as good as you are might judge you for it…". Ellen looked at him with wide eyes, quite surprised to hear him praise her despite the dubious actions she took.
"So you… You do not think that I committed a grave mistake by wanting to save an enemy?"
"I think that you are a fool," Kanda replied calmly, sighing slightly, but then he looked at her with an almost gentle expression, "but I respect you for your innate mercy and goodness. I do not think that this was an action that sprouted out of a rash and emotional decision. Just remember; whatever you do, you must be ready to face responsibility for your actions." Ellen looked at him, but then she nodded, blushing slightly.
"I… I will remember…" she said. Kanda, feeling slightly awkward himself, just coughed shortly, then he looked around.
"I can neither see nor sense a Noah near by. I think everybody except us has left the Ark," he said. Ellen eagerly accepted this change of topic and nodded. Responsibility… In their current situation this word carried a lot of weight for both of them. But even though they knew, neither was able to bring the topic up. But Ellen was determined to at least try, because for her it was immensely important to clear things up.
"I… Uh…" He turned to look at her and the moment she saw that expectant look in his eyes – probably hoping for her to address the topic – the courage left her. She blushed and averted her eyes, but something else caught her interest that could mask her change of heart: "These markings on your chest – they did not look like this the last time I saw them." Kanda widened his eyes just slightly, but then he also looked to the floor.
"Oh…" he said, "So you… noticed," he mumbled and Ellen bit her lips. He did look a bit disappointed when she suddenly changed her mind to settle on another topic, but then he put his hand over the left side of his chest.
"I noticed it before, back in Italy… But I thought those were merely decorative in function, but now that I see them altered I cannot help but wonder…" Kanda frowned slightly, but then he turned away, letting her see his unblemished, pale back. "You… cannot tell?" Ellen wondered.
"It is something that I would rather not talk about…" he told her, "not now…" Ellen walked up to him, standing in front of Kanda to look up at him.
"I do not mind," she assured him, putting her hands on his upper arms, "I do not mind if you do not wish to tell me. If it pains you to speak about it then I will not force you to. But do share your burden with me, so that I can help you carry it for a while!" Kanda looked at her in surprise, but then he put his hands over hers, taking them away from his upper arms to hold them.
"I do not want to make you carry another burden for which you do not know what the consequences are…" He kissed her hands, then he let her go. Ellen, her heart sinking into her stomach with dread once he said those words, pulled away rather fast.
"I…!" Kanda witnessed this reaction to his words – which were not wisely chosen, he must admit, considering the delicate situation – and decided that it was best to approach this topic slowly.
"When I…" he started and Ellen looked up at him, unshed tears of fear and embarrassment in her eyes. "Was fighting against the Noah I kept thinking about you." The young girl in front of him was visibly surprised at hearing this confession. Kanda folded his arms in front of his chest, looking up at the sky. "If I died here then what would become of you? If I could not return to your side what would you do? I knew that dying was not an option because it would harm you in more than one way – or so I hoped, for lack of a better way of putting it." Ellen squeezed her eyes shut at that and wiped the wetness away.
"Of course I would have been devastated!" she said breathlessly, "You mean a lot to me…!" Kanda reached out and put his hand on Ellen's head, stopping her trembling.
"You once said that if you can you will do everything in order to protect someone…" Kanda told her, letting his hand glide through her short hair and resting his palm against her cheek.
"I… Did say that…" Ellen mumbled, not withdrawing from his gentle touch.
"And I decided that I must do everything I can in order to protect you. As long as I can. As long as you allow me to…" the young man told her. Ellen did not reply to that, something which made Kanda frown slightly but he tried not to show her how her silence affected him.
"When everything around me was being destroyed…" the white haired girl finally said, "and I was standing in front of that piano… All my thoughts, which were running wild just moments before, narrowed to one simple wish: give him back! A fire starting from the bit of my stomach spread through me until I could think of nothing else but the abysmal suffering I would face if you were robbed from me…" Ellen, who had been speaking more to herself than to her partner, now looked up straight at Kanda. "Not only because I carry your child in me, but also because I deeply care for you." Kanda widened his eyes in surprise, not only because she affirmed her feelings for him (even though her "I care for you" was not the same as Kanda's love and adoration) but also because she spoke about it again. It. That peculiar thing that Kanda could not yet truly understand. His part in her. Their child.
Again, his mind was not able to grasp it, even though the very notion made his whole body tense up, so he chose to focus on her feelings for him instead, leaving the other bit for later. For a better opportunity, maybe when he understood.
"So you… wished me back from the dead…" Kanda said. Ellen's eyes snapped open.
"From the dead! No, I do not think that I hold such power…!" she argued, "I do not even want to think about this for the moment! I am just grateful that you are back – I will think about it later." Kanda studied the girl in front of him in awe and wonder, but then he shook his head and snorted slightly.
"Fine. Let's thinks later." Ellen nodded and then she stretched her arms and breathing in deeply.
"Yes… There is still enough time for that… Let us just be glad that we are all alive," Ellen said with a smile and turned to look at Kanda, "do you not agree?"
"Hm. I agree, beansprout." Ellen laughed at that.
"Oh! Have you noticed! I grew! I am taller than Linali now!" she said and Kanda shook his head in amusement.
"Idiot. You're still a beansprout, you won't ever get rid of your beansprout nature," he told her and patted her head.
"Beansprout nature!" Ellen huffed in indignation, but then she giggled and followed Kanda, always walking a few steps behind him. And Kanda felt it: there was still a gap between them, a crevasse which months of absence and unforeseen circumstances have torn. And Kanda really strained his mind to find out how exactly he could overcome it.
-
They met up with Rabi and Chao Zhi soon after, confirming that there was really no trace of the Noahs left.
"Well then, we should best get going then, we are all injured…" Ellen suggested to which there was absolutely no opposition. They went back into the secret room of the Fourteenth where they found Crowley lying on the white couch.
"Linali, how is the baron?" Ellen asked, while the other three were looking around the strange room.
"He has not regained consciousness… We should hurry and get him into the infirmary…" Linali replied, studying their unconscious friend.
"You played that piano?" Rabi spoke up, taking Ellen's attention away from the injured Crowley, "and that made the download stop?"
"Apparently…" Ellen replied but she was not willing to go into details, that's why she added: "is it not fortunate that I am a decent piano player?" Ellen smiled and Rabi laughed and refrained from asking anymore questions about it even though it would have interested him.
"Oi, brat. Come here and get this thing moving!" Cross said and Ellen turned around to look at him in wonder. The general merely pointed at the piano. She frowned slightly but then she walked over to the piano and put her fingers on the key.
"And what am I supposed to do now?"
"Cancel the Edo connection!" he told her and Ellen looked over her shoulder in wonder.
"Edo connection? What is that supposed to be?"
"Stop thinking you idiot and just say it!" the red-haired man snapped and Ellen groaned, turning back to the keys.
"But afterwards you will answer my questions!" she argued.
"I would like to hear the explanation as well!" Rabi spoke up with a grin. Ellen breathed in, but then she starting playing the familiar tune.
"Ark, cancel the Edo connection! Open the gate!" Ellen commanded, her voice echoing through the room.
"That should have done it," Cross said after a while.
"What? But I noticed nothing happening!" Rabi argued, but Ellen shook her head.
"No… He is right… I felt something…" She shortly clenched her fist, but then she pushed one of the keys down, "we are back where Miranda and the others are… The gate I opened leads out…" She turned around to look at her friends. "I hope the others are alright!"
"Ah! I'll go and have a look!" Rabi shouted and ran to the door. With Ellen's guidance he quickly found a door that led him back to the destroyed capital of Edo. "Hey everybody! Are you alright?!" Rabi shouted when he saw the others. Ellen heard the others shouting something in return but she merely smiled, then a wave of exhaustion hit her. Cross got up from his chair and grabbed the girl before she fell and sat her on the chair.
"Ellen? Are you alright?" Linali asked in a worried tone when she saw Cross firmly holding on to Ellen's arms, so that the pale girl remained sitting.
"Hmm…" she mumbled and lifted one of her hands to her face, wiping away the sweat. "I…" Kanda, who had just escaped the relieved crying attack of his general, noticed at once that something was up with Ellen.
"Oi, beansprout. What's wrong?" he asked and walked up to her. Ellen raised her head and smiled faintly.
"I would like to go see Bak Chan for a moment… Is this possible, General?" Cross snorted, but then he let go of her arms.
"That's fine. We will need to establish a telephone connection with headquarters anyway so that we can tell Komui that we will come back shortly." Cross said, "you there, pretty boy! Get everybody out there on the Ark!" Kanda looked at him in irritation, but he turned around and walked out of the room to get the others inside of the Ark.
"Why do you want to talk to Bak?" Linali wondered but Ellen just smiled at her, "Ellen? Ellen, are you alright? You are terribly pale!"
"Tch. She's fine!" Cross said but Linali was not convinced. "The Ark is still connected to the Asia Branch. So let's just go there…" he continued when he was sure that everybody was on board. Ellen got up from the chair and went into the Ark's town. They quickly found the door that led to the Asia Branch.
"Rabi? Are you coming with me?" Ellen asked when she saw the young man standing next to her. He grinned.
"Yes! Kanda sent me, he is currently being bothered by his general, that's why he told me to watch over you." Ellen smiled slightly, then she opened the door and went through it. On the other side she found the Asia branch just like she left it with Bak and the other scientists waiting for her.
"Walker!!" Bak shouted in relief, "you're back!" Ellen smiled and nodded.
"We need to connect the headquarters from here, could you do that for us?" she asked and Bak nodded.
"Of course! Are you guys injured?"
"Yes, but do not worry about that for the moment, we will get treated when we return home… But…" Bak studied her and nodded.
"There is something else… Yes I understand… Come with me…" he said, then he walked on ahead. Ellen heard some sort of commotion including General Cross and Linali, but she ignored it for now, there was something else she had to deal with right now. Rabi trotted after her, not asking anything, but not staying behind either. Ellen did not complain so he guessed that she actually wanted him to come with her. They reached a medical room after a while and Bak asked Ellen to lie down on a bed.
"I think you are rather reckless, Walker… Be a little bit considerate of your body… It's no longer only the host to Innocence, remember that…" Bak chid her and Ellen laughed faintly.
"I know… But you cannot expect me to think about such things when I have to fight for my life…" she replied almost jokingly which made Bak frown at her.
"This really is no life for a young girl in your condition…!" he said bitterly, but then he looked up at Rabi, who was now standing beside the bed. "Ah, the Bookman's apprentice, I am sorry that I did not greet you before"
"Don't worry about me. Just do whatever you were doing," he said and sat down on the chair next to the bed. Bak snorted.
"Well, Walker, at least you chose a fitting man for you, as far as I know Rabi is a fine young man," he said. Rabi lifted an eyebrow in wonder. "But you are both fools. You are both still children! And still you were stupid enough to let this happen! But now you should better pay attention to Walker!"
"Uhm… No… I…" Rabi spluttered, but Ellen just reached out and pulled his wrist.
"You know, do you not?" Ellen asked while Bak started his examination. Rabi hesitated, but then he nodded.
"Hard not to get it when one pays attention to details…" he confessed and Ellen smiled at him.
"Do not pull such a face Rabi… I hope you are not disappointed in me…" she said but Rabi shook his head.
"Of course not!! How could I?!" he asked in surprise. Ellen's smile didn't slip but she did look rather thoughtful. She let go of his wrist and watched Bak examining her. "But Ellen… What do you want to do now…?"
"I do not know yet… There is only a limited choice…" she replied, "especially for a woman of my standing…"
"Maybe you should talk to your mother…" Rabi suggested but Ellen seemed very troubled when he said that, "or if not with your mother then at least with Cross!"
"I probably should do that… But I do not know what to tell him…" Ellen mumbled, "and maybe…"
"No. You have to tell him that you are pregnant, Ellen," Bak said and Ellen sighed deeply, which surprised Rabi. "I really wonder why but your child still seems to be fine… I do not know how much of this fact can be ascribed to the Innocence's power… But if you slow down for a bit there is a good chance for you two to have a healthy child in less than half a year…" Rabi blushed again upon hearing that.
"Uh, Ellen…? I do think that Kanda should have come instead of me…," he whispered but received no reaction from the girl, "don't you want to correct him?"
"What?" Bak wondered when Rabi was just met with silence. Rabi frowned in slight irritation, but then he turned to Bak.
"Unfortunately I have to disappoint you. It is not me who is the father of Ellen's child…," he said and then he looked back at Ellen who was now sitting up, "and why can't you just tell him?!"
"What's the matter? Why are you so agitated?" Bak asked in confusion, looking from Rabi to Ellen.
"Yu's the one who should be standing here right now!" Rabi replied loud enough for Ellen to flinch. Bak widened his eyes in surprise.
"Yu? As in Kanda Yu?!" Rabi nodded, „Kanda is going to be a father?!" Bak shouted in surprise and Ellen stood up, her heels making loud clacking noises on the stone floor, silencing both Rabi and Bak.
"Thank you, Mister Chan, for examining me," she said politely.
"Uh… Anytime, Walker. But… do tell your General and mother… And… about Kanda…"
"Please… I…" Ellen stopped him, putting her hand to her forehead, "I am sorry… Could we please discuss this at a later point? I feel quite exhausted at the moment…" Bak looked uncertain, but he nodded.
"Of course… Let us get you back to headquarters…" Ellen thanked him and followed him out of the room. Rabi walked after them, forcing himself to stay quiet even though he had a lot to say to Ellen.
-
In all the commotion and chaos accompanying their return to headquarters Kanda was separated from Ellen without even being able to complain about it. After having suffered through an annoying check up by the matron he was still sitting on his bed, sourly waiting to be discharged. He was fully healed anyway so why should he stay here? It was absolutely unnecessary and he thought that he would be better off at Ellen's bed-side. But he was aware that there was a possibility that his presence in the room reserved for female patients might not be all that welcome. But he rather felt like he was in a mad-house instead of the infirmary ward because there was a lot of noise in their room. Crowley's stomach was loudly growling for food, Rabi was wailing at the tops of his lungs that he could not sleep with that noise and Mari simply tried to take it the best he could. But all in all it was too loud to even consider resting!
Kanda looked up from his bed sheet when he felt someone jump onto the mattress.
"What do you want?!" He hissed at Rabi, but the red-head simply grinned apologetically at him.
"I'm not trying to fool around! Trust me!" Rabi said as Kanda snatched away his pillow from Rabi's hands. He frowned when he saw Rabi's face change. „There is something I would like to talk to you about…"
"What?" Kanda asked, sceptical of the serious expression Rabi wore.
"It's about Ellen." Kanda had already guessed as much and nodded, "I am aware of the situation you two find yourself in…"
"Is something the matter with Ellen?" Mari asked, as it was hard for him to not overhear their hushed conversation. Rabi looked at him uncertainly but Kanda just nodded at Mari. Rabi guessed that Kanda did not mind about his comrade hearing but he was also aware that Ellen would rather keep the whole matter a secret – not that Rabi approved of this.
"Despite the fighting… Well… It's still okay…" the Bookman apprentice said, unsure of how to put it without being all too obvious. But Kanda understood him perfectly well.
"That's good."
"Do you honestly think so?" Rabi wondered and Kanda narrowed his eyebrows.
"Why should I not?"
"Because Ellen seemed disappointed when she heard that everything was fine…" Rabi confessed and Kanda widened his eyes in surprise. Truth to be told this information did shock him a bit. Of course, life would probably be easier for the two young exorcists without somebody else to worry about, but now that it has happened there was no reason to wish it away. Or was there…? "I mean…" Rabi started, but then he leant closer to Kanda, directly looking him into his eyes. "Come on, Yu! Are you really aware what this means?! Ellen is pregnant for Christ's sake! You are going to be a father in about six months!" Kanda stared at Rabi, but was diverted by a choking noise coming from Mari. The man wore an incredulous expression.
"Shut up, Mari! Now's not the time to be indignant!" Kanda hissed, his cheeks slightly coloured both in irritation but also embarrassment. However, Mari did not say anything else about it, he probably tried to get over his shock or possible moral reservations he had about this piece of information.
"Uh… Sorry… I really do not want to put you under pressure and I am actually as clueless about Ellen's situation as you are but… I think you do need to worry about it…" Kanda remained silent and Rabi dared to continue: "Ellen… she seems to be quite uncomfortable… When Bak thought that I was Ellen's lover she did not contradict him… She… Well… She is an aristocrat and she has to carry a lot of obligations because of that… By which I do not want to say that she does not want to marry somebody from a different social class but… Uhm…" Kanda glared at him.
"I understand what you want to say quite well. I already had a brush with her class consciousness before," Kanda told Rabi with an almost bitter tone, "but I thought that she got over it."
"Yes…" Rabi said with a sigh, "I hoped for that as well…". Kanda sat on his bed for a few more minutes, silently contemplating what he was to do now. He snorted in irritation, got up, pulled on a thin jacket and wanted to leave.
"Yu? Where are you going?" Rabi asked in wonder.
"Out of here!" was all he replied but he ran straight into an obstacle at the door: General Tiedoll.
"Oh? What are you doing out of bed, Yu?" Kanda glared at him.
"Out of the way!" The general did not move an inch, "please."
"Where do you want to go?" Tiedoll wondered and Kanda sighed in irritation.
"I want to go see Ellen Walker, there is something we need to talk about," Kanda said and Tiedoll smiled fondly.
"Aaah! I see! Then take these flowers!" he said and handed Kanda a bouquet of flowers, "and give her my regards." Kanda took the flowers wordlessly, hesitating for a while, but then he nodded and looked at his general.
"General. When I get back, I need to talk to you about something…". Before Tiedoll could put words to his surprise, Kanda slipped out of the infirmary. Now there was no way around it; they needed to talk.
To be continued.
Notes:
There he goes; Kanda mustered his courage to face the truth.
I'd love to hear your thoughts :3