Author's Notes:
What? Back already? *lol* I was very happy with the responses I got for the last chapter, consider this faster-than-usual update a reward! ;3
This chapter finally includes the reason why I did not want to show you Kanda's reaction to Ellen's "death" – I hope it works with you readers as well as I anticipated. Now that I actually wrote it I am not so sure anymore X3
With that said, I hope you can enjoy this chapter! :3
P.S. The title gave me some problems and it turned out quite cheesy. *lol*
Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man belongs to Katsura Hoshino
Kapitel 39: His Heart Between the Lines
When Kanda opened the door to the room where the women were resting he was met with a stern looking matron, glaring down at him. He almost took a step back when he saw her face through the many flowers he was carrying.
"Do you mind telling me what you are doing out of your bed, Kanda?" she asked dangerously, but also cast a sceptical glance at the flowers, so very out of place in Kanda's arms.
"Tch! I don't need to stay in the infirmary, I am fine. I just wanted to see Ellen Walker," he replied and held the flowers closer to her as if they were the proof that he spoke the truth. The matron's hard gaze softened immediately.
"My… A young man with a bouquet of flowers…," she sighed, then she took the flowers out of his hands, "I must disappoint you. The moment I turned my back on the young girl she stole out of the room!" She said and walked into the room, putting the flowers into a vase, "I have already asked finders to go look for the little irresponsible lady…" Kanda frowned. Ellen had stole out of the infirmary? Why would she do that?
"Kanda! Hello!" Kanda peeked into the room and saw Linali and Miranda in their beds, but Ellen' bed was indeed empty.
"Hm. How are you?" he asked and saw Linali smile.
"We are fine, thanks for asking," she replied, but then she put on a worried expression, "Ellen's not here. I do not know where she went!"
"I'll go looking for her…" Kanda told her and turned around, leaving.
"Hey! Young man! Return to your bed!!" The matron was shouting, but Kanda just quickened his pace and disappeared out of the infirmary.
"Tch, idiot beansprout! It almost seems as if she tried to run away from me!" the exorcist snorted in annoyance, when he was some corridors away from the infirmary and the clutches of the matron. "Where could she be…?" Kanda wondered as he walked through the corridor. However, he did not need to walk for long because he heard a very faint melody. "A lullaby?" Kanda wondered with a frown, but he followed the sound.
"Oi, what's that noise?" Kanda asked a random scientist that he met while walking down the corridors. The man scratched his head.
"It's singing… right?" he suggested and Kanda rolled his eyes at the obvious reply he got. But Kanda was trying to be patient.
"Where does it come from?"
"Uh… Actually I think it comes from the fifth laboratory, where the Ark is being examined…" the man replied. Kanda didn't need to hear more and just continued walking to the fifth laboratory where a gate to the Ark was. "Hey! You can't just walk in there!" The scientist called after him, but Kanda ignored him. The fifth laboratory was a huge hall, high enough to fit the Ark's gate. The Akuma egg was also being examined there, consequently it was a very busy place, filled with exhausted scientists running around. Kanda simply ignored anyone who voiced uneasiness about him walking around in this restricted area and made his way up to the Ark. The singing was definitely coming from the Ark – it must be Ellen.
"Oh, Kanda. What are you doing here?" Kanda felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around, finding Section Chief Reever behind him. "You should be resting!"
"Don't speak nonsense, there is no need for me to rest!" Kanda argued, then he pointed to the gate, "I followed the lullaby." Reever widened his eyes slightly, but then he scratched the back of his head, laughing.
"Yes, it's kind of eerie to hear the song, especially as it comes from the Ark, but it somehow calms us down. You must have noticed the chaos and workload we have thanks to the Ark and the Akuma Egg being here…" Kanda snorted, then he nodded at the Ark.
"I want to go in there, the person singing is most likely the beansprout," Kanda told him and Reever seemed surprised to hear that.
"So it is Ellen singing? I didn't even see her go into the Ark!"
"Tch, doesn't surprise me. It's as busy as the streets of London here!" Kanda argued, then he walked up to the Ark's gate. Reever first wanted to stop him, but then he changed his mind.
"Just pay attention, we don't know yet what the Ark really is. And try to get Ellen out of there – she needs to rest as well!" Kanda lifted his hand to show him that he heard him, then he stepped through the gate, immediately finding himself in the warm and sunny town of the Ark. He turned his face towards the sky, where the music seemed to come from. He looked around to see if he could find the door that led to the room with the piano in it – searching in there would probably make most sense. After opening a few doors that led into either nothing or strange rooms, he found one white door standing ajar. A thin ray of light fell on the street from inside and Kanda pushed the door open gently. He found Ellen sitting on the piano stool, her voice had already died down some minutes ago. He wordlessly walked over to her, looking around to find out if anything had changed, which didn't seem to be the case though. Timcampy was with her, sitting on the remains of something Ellen must have brought to eat. How she had been able to get into the Ark unnoticed with a tower of food was beyond Kanda – but those scientists probably didn't see anything beside work anyway. Almost pitiable. Ellen had her bare feet resting on the cushion of the stool, arms on her knees and face hidden, only a unruly mop of short white hair was visible. Kanda sat down on the free space next to her, simply waiting. It seemed as she was greatly troubled by something, but whether it was because of their insecure relationship or something else, Kanda did not know. Finally she moved slightly, lifting her head just enough so that she could wipe the back of her hand over her eyes.
"Is everything alright?" Kanda asked and Ellen sniffed silently. She turned her head to the side, to look at Kanda and showed him a watery smile.
"Hm. Have you recovered already?" She asked instead of replying. Kanda looked at her, but she did not hold his gaze for long, slowly turning her head away again, to rest her chin on her arms.
"Yes…," he replied, but she did not really react to it. Kanda sighed. "Whatever is on your mind, you can tell me…"
"I…" Ellen mumbled, hiding her face again. Kanda turned his upper body towards her and took her hands, pulling them away from her knees to hold them.
"Please tell me… No matter what it is, I will listen," he promised her gently and Ellen blinked up at him. She couldn't look long at him because of new tears starting to form in her eyes. She lowered her head, but did not pull away her hands from Kanda's strong but gentle hold.
"It is… just this Ark… I cannot understand my place in all of this… I cannot form any answers…" she started after a while.
"To what questions…?" Kanda wondered and Ellen sighed.
"This song that controls the Ark… It is a lullaby…" Kanda nodded, "both the text and the melody I have heard before… Even though I have forgotten them, my memory returned when I was standing in front of that piano…" Ellen lowered her head again until her forehead touched their joined hands. "It is a lullaby Mana and mother used to sing to me when I was a small child." Kanda looked at her in wonder and when he saw how she started trembling, he took his hands from hers and put his arms around her. "So why is it here? Why does their song control the Ark of the Earl?!" Kanda couldn't give Ellen an answer either. It truly was suspicious, but Kanda refrained from saying anything against either her mother or uncle… "And then…" Ellen continued, "there is the music score. The symbols representing the notes... It was a secret code Mana and I invented to write small childish notes without my mother being able to read them. It was mere child's play! So why, WHY are they here on the Ark?! I cannot understand this!"
"Beansprout…! Ellen, calm down!" Kanda shouted when she started crying, "I won't tell you that it's coincidence, but no matter why they are here; they saved us!" Ellen lifted her head and looked at Kanda in wonder. The young man sighed in relief when she stopped crying to listen to him. "If your uncle has a connection to Noah's Ark, then that is peculiar, but you must understand that whatever he had to do with it was beneficial to us. Without the song and the score you could not have saved us all… Do you see?" Kanda lifted his hand and wiped the tears from her eyes. Ellen nodded, even though she still seemed to be quite upset.
"Hm… Thank you Kanda… I will calm down for now and ask General Cross about it later…" she said.
"That's good…" Kanda replied and they sat next to each other in silence, both thinking about various things. Kanda had actually come here to talk about their future plans, but this room with all those painful questions did not seem to be the best place to do it. And Ellen didn't look like she was in any state to talk about it, now when her mind was filled by that shady uncle of hers.
"What do you think about stretching your legs for a bit? It might get your mind to calm down…" he suggested and Ellen looked at him with a smile.
"Yes, I would like that. I wanted to go check if there were any letters for me at the post office, but I forgot," Ellen told him and Kanda stood up, pulling the girl to her feet.
"Then let's go there," he said and walked on ahead.
"Kanda! Thank you for calming me down," Ellen said when they were out of the room. He turned around to look at her and was met with a bright smile.
"Hm, don't worry about it…" he said in slight embarrassment, then they left the Ark. The noisy hall met them again and they stole away unnoticed. They made their way through the corridors towards the post office.
"Hello!" Ellen greeted the man at the counter, "are there any letters for me?". The man checked a book that was lying in front of him and nodded.
"There are several," he replied, then he looked at Kanda. The dark haired exorcist rolled his eyes.
"There should be something for me as well…" he muttered and the man checked again.
"Just a moment, I will bring everything". When he was gone Ellen turned to Kanda, suddenly remembering something.
"I sent you a picture once! Did you receive it?" Ellen asked cheerfully. Kanda's heart, however, clenched painfully at the recollection. The young girl did notice the change in his face, but could not understand why.
"Yes…" Kanda finally said, forcing himself to calm down, "I have seen it. You looked great. Linali as well," he praised her. Ellen blushed but grinned proudly.
"Linali looked absolutely gorgeous but I think I must have looked strange dressed up like this! Like a china doll!" Ellen laughed merrily, while Kanda still remained silent. After a while he chose to speak up again:
"I could try to get my hands on my mother's kimonos – the sort of dress you wore I mean – if you're interested…" he told her and Ellen looked at him in wonder. Her reply had to wait though because the man came back with many letters and some parcels. He dropped three parcels into Kanda's arms, one slightly smaller parcel and all of the letters were given to Ellen.
"Let's find ourselves an empty reading room…," Kanda suggested and when Ellen agreed, he led the way to a room near the library. The room was small in size, but at least they had couches and armchairs as well as a table and reading lights. And there were no other people, so they had their privacy as soon as Kanda closed the door. Ellen, sat on the couch, putting letters and parcel onto the table in front of her.
"Don't you want to read them?" Kanda wondered while he was opening the rope that held the parcels together. Ellen smiled at him.
"What you said before," she started and Kanda looked over to where she was sitting, "I think I have never heard you talk of your mother before!" Kanda frowned which Ellen noticed of course, "do you not want to talk about her?"
"I'd rather not. There aren't many good memories connected to her… Or anybody else of my family for that matter…" Now it was Ellen's time to put on an unhappy expression. Kanda shook his head. "It's… not important right now…" Ellen sighed deeply.
"As you wish, I will not ask about it. But why did you offer to get her clothes for me?"
"She was very fond of expensive clothesand when I went to the Dark Order I deposited one of her suitcases at the Asia Branch because I did not know what to do with it… If you like it you can have it – I certainly do not need them…". Ellen did take notice of the fact that his mother wore expensive clothes – which meant that she probably must have had enough money to afford them. But Ellen was slightly disturbed at herself for taking notice of that instead of worrying about Kanda's attitude towards his mother and the questions whether she was still alive or not.
"If you really want to give something this precious to me then I would be happy to accept the gift," Ellen told him with a smile. Kanda didn't say anything for a while and Ellen watched him open the packets. "Are those books?"
"Yes…" Kanda replied and Ellen looked at him in wonder, "novels mostly…" But because Ellen seemed very keen on talking about it and Kanda felt embarrassed he told her to finally start reading her stupid letters. Ellen pouted, "I'll take these books into my room, you can have a look at them later on if you really must." At this the girl smiled and Kanda left the study. She looked through the letters, finding the Bermont family's seal on some of them, but she put them aside for those that had the simple initials "Y.K." scribbled on the back of the envelope.
"Did Kanda really write me letters?" Ellen wondered in excitement and sorted them according to the date they arrived at the Black Order. The first must have reached the office just shortly after she had left for Germany. She opened the letter and pulled out the paper. It was actually rather a short note than a letter but written in Kanda's very neat handwriting:
„Beansprout
I have already started my next mission, we are on our way west. I do not know how long it will take. Rabi told me that he will join you in Germany – he should be able to protect you. He might be annoying but he's more or less useful as an exorcist. Maybe you're less prone to stupidly getingt hurt if someone keeps an eye on you.
Pay attention to yourself,
Kanda"
Ellen had to laugh when reading the lines. Had she become less rash now? She doubted it because she still got quite some unnecessary injuries while fighting. And Rabi… Yes Rabi had been a very helpful partner throughout their long journey from Germany to Japan. He had given her courage and he had listened to her problems. But… Ellen lowered her head when she recalled the fight against Rabi in the Ark.
"How many of these thoughts were his own? I wonder what he really thinks about me…" Ellen mumbled, but then she shook her head. Right now she was reading the letters that Kanda had promised her (and he had held his promise, how delightful!), she would worry about Rabi at a later point.
"Beansprout
I wanted to send you a letter yesterday and the day before and the day before. I did not know what to tell you. I still do not know what I would like to say to you. If you were here, then what should I say to you? I honestly don't know but I still want to see you.
Take care,
Kanda"
Despite its shortness this letter made Ellen's heart throb painfully. And after reading through it a second time, she quickly went to the next, reading the remaining letters wordlessly, but with a heavy heart.
"Dear beansprout
A comrade died today. We do not know how he was killed, but his body will be transferred to the order in the morning.
I am not sure how I feel about this. I guess I'm irritated or frustrated and also slightly on edge. I couldn't stop it from happening and I should know that I am not to blame it on myself. It's not rare for exorcists to fall in battle, but I thought that we would be strong enough – that I would be strong enough to prevent such a "tragedy" as my General would probably call it.
It's been almost three months since our first mission… I haven't heard of you for quite some time... I don't know what else to say…
Please take care of yourself,
Kanda"
-
"Dear beansprout
Many exorcists are dying all around the world and even a General fell. You've been probably charged with finding that slacker Cross. My remaining partner and I have now joined with our General. We are heading eastwards, the same as you do I've heard… It's dangerous, even more so now that our enemies have started moving.
I feel restless not knowing what you're doing. It's only been three months, but I can't help it. I'm getting distracted sometimes, wondering and thinking, but we're God knows where and I can't establish a golem connection with your team…
I hope you are alright,
Kanda"
-
"Ellen…
This morning, I received your photograph. And then, Rabi contacted me. All I heard is that you have lost your Innocence. He told me that you have fallen. I won't believe it. You can't just die. You can't just be gone from this world.
You promised not to die and I swore to protect you.
You are alive. I know you are. I will continue hoping until I find you or your body is presented to me.
If this letter reaches you, please contact me. There are so many things I want to tell you and I want to see you. Please, be alright. You must be.
I love you.
Kanda"
-
"Dear Ellen
After the uncertainty of the two days I've finally been able to get another connection to your team. I needed to know what has happened to you. Rabi repeated that you have lost your Innocence and have been found by the Asian Branch. He couldn't tell me whether you are alive or dead. I feel wretched. But I still believe that you live. You promised and you won't go back on it.
I'm so sorry that I couldn't protect you… But if you are alive then I give you a new promise, Ellen. You can no longer be an exorcist – don't worry about that. You should return to your mother and I will come to find you. I will finish this war, I also will do the things you no longer can. Then I will return to you. And there will only be one thing I will need to tell you.
I love you, Ellen…
Kanda"
When Kanda return to the room he found Ellen bending over the letters she held in her hands, sobbing pitifully. He hastily closed the door and went to her, fearing that something might have happened to a relative of hers.
"What's wrong?" He asked and Ellen looked up from the letters, tears were streaming down her face and she looked sadder than he had ever seen her. "…Ellen?"
"I… I am so sorry…," she said, her voice thick with tears. Kanda looked at her in confusion.
"Why would you need to apologize to me? What happened?" He asked in concern. Ellen didn't say anything, she simply looked at Kanda with the tears still flowing freely. Kanda looked at her hand that was clenched over a few papers. He could see his own, now smeared, handwriting on it and widened his eyes.
"I read your letters…" Ellen whispered and Kanda turned his head back to her, looking at her in wonder and anxiety. Ellen put both of her hands in front of her eyes and wiped them, but the tears never stopped. "I am so sorry! I put you through so much despair!" Kanda finally stirred, darting forwards to embrace her.
"Yes…!" he breathed into her hair, "never do that again!"
"No!" Ellen cried, grabbing Kanda's shirt. Kanda sighed in relief.
"I was… never really able to tell you how much I love you…," he said quietly, "will you listen to me?" Ellen stirred and looked up at Kanda.
"What…?" She asked in surprise.
"I love you, Ellen…," he told her and she widened her eyes, "I want to be with you until the day I die." Ellen was speechless, both to hear him talk so uncharacteristically honest and also because she knew not what to say now.
"Kanda I… Honestly, I do not really know what to reply in this kind of situation!" she confessed, blushing slightly. At this Kanda snorted, but pinched Ellen's cheeks. "Ow! Kanda! Do not take this lightly!"
"I am not, but you are just over-straining your head… Actually, I came to look for you to talk to you about what we should do now… But I found no appropriate moment."
"And you think this moment is appropriate?" Ellen wondered uneasily, "you are hardly rational at the moment!"
"Hardly rational? Do you want to insult me?" Kanda asked with a put-off frown. Maybe if she wouldn't seem so panicked he could be amused at what she said, but now it simply stung. Ellen blushed and Kanda lifted his hand to pat her hair. "Well… Maybe you should get some rest. We actually haven't been allowed out of the infirmary yet… Do you want me to take you there?" Ellen hesitated, but then she nodded. It was better for her to cool her head before she made another rash decision. Maybe she should just have answered "Yes, yes!!" but how could she follow her childish, unreasonable heart after making many disastrous decisions? No! This time she really had to consider her position; her foolishness had already gotten her into a bad situation, now she had to save whatever dignity as future head of the Bermont-Walker family she had left. If she just eloped with Kanda now – a man that seemed to love her ardently, but she didn't even now that well – then her mother would not be able to bear the shame. Kanda, who rightly guessed Ellen's troubled mind, just helped her gather her letters and walked her back to the infirmary without saying anything to add to her worries.
"Finally!" the matron shouted when the two exorcists returned to the infirmary, "Miss Walker! You had me worried!"
"I am very sorry…," Ellen mumbled and the matron sighed when she saw the tearstains on Ellen's face.
"Well, please go back to your bed, Ellen. And you, mister, will go back to your own room when you're done saying good-bye," she said and Kanda snorted in annoyance. Linali and Miranda were still up and greeted them. Ellen showed them merry smiles, but when she turned towards Kanda her smile had already slipped. Kanda tried not to be all too discouraged by this and helped her get into the bed.
"Thank you for walking me here," Ellen said and smiled. Kanda sighed, but then he embraced her. She returned the embrace and whispered:
"Tomorrow, we two will need to talk…". When he let go of her Kanda saw her serious expression and he nodded solemnly.
"We will. Good night, beansprout." With this he stepped away from the bed. "Good night, Miranda, Linali." The two girls wished him a good night as well and he left the room with threats from the matron that he should stay in bed until she allowed him to leave.
"Kanda looked… Quite troubled…," Linali said after a while, but Ellen just turned to the other side. The Chinese girl looked at her in wonder, casting a quizzical glance in Miranda's direction. "What did you do to make him so upset?"
"Nothing… I did nothing…" Ellen replied sadly. And it was exactly this nothing that hurt the most.
To be continued…
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Notes:
I actually wanted to write more but this seemed like such a good ending for this chapter! :D
Kanda came off a bit OOC while declaring his love for Ellen… But I did not really expect that I would be able to pull it off with him staying in character… At least his reaction to her hesitation turned out better.
And yes, apparently the very small glimpse of Kanda's past I gave you ignores what the newest DGM chapter told us / hinted at. (Therefore it will also be spoiler free. At least that's one good point *lol*)
I'd be happy to hear your thoughts! :D