Author's Notes:
I am sorry for the unhappiness the angsty previous chapter seems to have caused. I of course wanted people to disapprove of Ellen's behaviour, but I did not mean to scare anybody away. I try to reproduce a real anxiety… Even though the chapter seemed like a melodrama.
Anyway, it doesn't matter because after the low of last chapter, things can only get better! :D
I apologize if there are some messed up things; my attention span is a bit short right now because I'm still a bit ill (I caught a cold), but I wanted to give you the chapter before I need to focus on my exams (and maybe Yullen week?)
Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man belongs to Katsura Hoshino
I just realized that all my inverted commas were messed up (which seems to happen a lot)! Ugh! Please, bear with it for the moment until I have fixed it! Grr...
Kapitel 42: Lecturing
Ellen sat next to the window of Kanda's room, looking out into the evening sky. Even though it was not late into the evening yet, it was still quite dark in the room, a small candle on top of the beautiful hourglass holding a floating lotus, was all the light they had until Kanda got up from the bed and switched the light on. Ellen looked up and turned her head towards him. The past hour they had just sat in Kanda's room, not saying anything to each other; she had been looking out of the window and he had mediated. While Ellen had first felt insecure and perceived the silence between them to be rather awkward, she soon calmed and could appreciate Kanda's silent company. He had demanded nothing of her and didn't even accuse her of anything. It was… quite comforting to be able to sort her thoughts on her own without actually being left alone. Ellen rubbed the ring finger of her left hand. There was no ring yet and the walls of Kanda's room, despite their bleakness, did not seem like a prison at all.
"It's already half past seven," Kanda told her and Ellen nodded, then she looked back at the window.
"You really should fix your window, Kanda. Even if it is spring already you might still catch a cold if the weather changes," she reminded him and Kanda, slightly surprised to hear her take up a topic she had addressed when she first saw his room, snorted at her.
"I won't catch a cold, don't be stupid," he said and Ellen frowned at him. He sighed when he saw her face. "Fine, I'll tell Komui to send someone to fix it." Ellen nodded, not smiling but pleased nevertheless. They were silent for a while, but then Ellen's stomach grumbled faintly, but loud enough for Kanda to raise an eyebrow.
"I am a bit hungry, I must confess… Would you accompany me to the dining hall?" Ellen asked, putting her hands against her stomach; she had missed eating dinner with Linali after all. Kanda nodded, then he opened the door, Ellen following him out.
"Would you mind me changing my clothes first?" Ellen asked, after she recalled what she was actually wearing. Kanda turned around and studied her while she just pointed at her dress.
"Why would you need to ask me? Just do it. Even though you look fine in what you're wearing."
"I cannot wear my wedding dress to eat dinner. That does not seem appropriate…," Ellen said and Kanda rolled his eyes, but then he walked to Ellen's room with her.
"You would have wanted a better wedding dress, I am sure," Kanda concluded when he stood in front of the door that Ellen had left ajar. He heard the rustling of the fabric being pulled over her head.
"I would have liked to wear my mother's wedding dress. It looks like a princess' gown. Of course I would have preferred it over what I am wearing now. But I cannot be picky…"
"Of course you can be picky. From now on, just buy whatever you want, I'll pay for it," Kanda told her and was surprised to see Ellen sticking her head out, her body hidden by the door and the white dress she held in front of her. Kanda's eyes darted over what he could actually see and wondered at how the concealed parts of her body might look now changed by a separation of more than three months and the early phase of pregnancy. He wondered, but he did not dare to look too closely. Ellen wore an expression of mild confusion as she looked at him, then it changed to uncertainty.
"You… do not have to pay for my expenses…," she said and Kanda folded his arms over his chest.
"It's not as if I feel as if it's my duty to shower you with stupid gifts or to spoil you. The order will pay for whatever you really need and your mother will probably pay for any fancy things you don't need. However, I will see that you have everything you want." Ellen didn't say anything to that and slowly retreated into her room, to continue changing. "By the way, how old is your mother anyway?"
"Why would you need to know that?" Ellen wondered, but Kanda didn't answer, "she is 47…"
"And she married late?" was Kanda's next question and Ellen first put on her blouse before she replied.
"No, she married when she was 19," Ellen said and came back outside. She wore a white blouse and a black skirt. It was simple, but it looked good on Ellen. "But why all those questions?" Kanda snorted.
"It just seems that her wedding dress might be a bit old fashioned…," he said and Ellen had to laugh at that. "So you wouldn't care?"
"No I do not care. I was always looking forward to wearing it on my wedding day, no matter whether it is in or out of fashion," Ellen replied. Kanda looked at her, then he averted his eyes.
"I regret that you couldn't wear it… You neither had your ideal wedding, nor your ideal man… For that I apologize."
"Do not, Kanda. There is no reason to blame yourself – you know that I am at fault…" Ellen said with a sad sigh and Kanda snorted.
"Then you should stop regretting as well. This situation really is going to be difficult if you keep grieving over things that cannot be changed anymore. Make the best of the situation," he turned to Ellen and grabbed her cheeks, first looking at her, then turning her head forwards. "And look at what's in front of you." Ellen widened her eyes in surprise.
"Mpfh-!" was all that she could retort and Kanda let go of her, coughing to hide his embarrassment for saying such cheesy things. Ellen rubbed her red cheeks and stole a glance up at Kanda, who just looked elsewhere. "I will try… Thank you…" Ellen replied after a while and Kanda dared to look at her. He hummed in approval, then he held out his arm for her to take. Ellen looked at him in wonder.
"You always wanted to be escorted back when I had to train you," he said and Ellen hesitantly put her hand on his arm. "Don't tell me you already grew out of your girly habits!"
"Well, there was no man who could to me the favour," Ellen argued, then she added with a small, embarrassed smile: "but I admit it was a bit childish…" But she still let Kanda lead her to the dining hall, his cold and proud look keeping anybody from approaching.
"Ah! Ellen! Kanda! How good to see you two!" Jerry greeted them cheerfully as ever. Kanda simply acknowledged him with a nod of his head, while Ellen walked up to the counter.
"Good evening Jerry!" she greeted in return and both smiled at each other. Kanda watched the scene with mixed feelings: how could it be that no matter what he said he couldn't get her to smile cheerfully, while somebody like Jerry (and probably the entire rest of the Black Order) could?! Was this now to be his fate? Would he forever be the husband that had made his wife unhappy by "egoistically" marrying her because he loved her? Well, maybe it had been egoistical on his part to not give Ellen more time to come to term with it but to Kanda such a swift wedding had been welcome enough. He had wanted to marry Ellen at all costs, even after she showed first signs of refusal after their first night together, but it should not have been in exchange for her happiness.
"But it was not like she had any other choice. She's pregnant after all…," Kanda thought to himself and walked over to the counter where Jerry placed many plates filled with Ellen's food on the counter. Kanda put all of them on a tray and carried them to a free table while Ellen only had to carry whatever had not fit on the tray – like her dango and Kanda's soba. They sat down opposite each other, even though there would have been room enough next to Kanda for Ellen to sit down. She neatly arranged the various trays and when she was done, she put her hands on her knees and looked down. Kanda raised an eyebrow at her, while he picked his chopsticks up.
"What's the matter? Why don't you eat?" He asked, "Are you afraid of gaining weight or what?"
"I cannot help gaining weight now…," Ellen replied silently. Kanda looked at her with a frown, unable to make out whether there had been bitterness in her voice about that fact. Probably, yes. Kanda decided it was best to not start an argument now.
"Then eat…," he told her and studied her, but she merely blushed.
"I… wait until you have started…" Kanda looked at her in wonder, but started eating, then he looked at her.
"There. Eat now," he said and Ellen pulled her fork towards her and started picking at her food, her face lowered. She didn't say anything. There was no merry chatter during dinner, even though he was used to her talking to him. "What's wrong? Why don't you say anything?"
"Maybe you did not want me to speak…?" Ellen answered timidly and Kanda looked at her in irritation. Why was she acting so meek?
"And did that stop you before?"
"Before we were not married…," Ellen whispered, so that nobody else would hear. The young man opposite her glared at her and put his chopsticks down on top of an half-full bowl.
"So if I tell you to shut up, you will shut up?" Ellen looked at him uncertainly, "and if I tell you to chatter, you will chatter?"
"Kanda…"
"And if I tell you to love me, you will love me? You'll do everything I command just because we put our names on a paper?!" Ellen remained silent, looking at her untouched dessert. "I don't want us to change… I don't want a restraint on our relationship. The fact that we are married should give you legal protection, it should be liberating!"
"I know! But please, keep your voice down…!" she begged, holding up her hands. Kanda groaned, but nodded.
"Yu, Ellen?" Ellen gave a start when she heard the voice and turned around, seeing Rabi approaching them with a grin. "What's with the haunted look, dear beansprout?"
"Ah, nothing. You just gave me a fright!" she said with an uneasy laugh. Rabi frowned shortly, but then the grin was back on his face and he put a hand on Ellen's shoulder.
"I didn't want to disturb your romantic dinner, but I just ran across a finder. He asked me to tell you that Cross wants to see you, apparently the poor finder was too afraid to approach you, Yu!" Kanda rolled his eyes in annoyance, "see?! It's that look! Every person would get afraid if you look so gloomy! Right, Ellen?"
"I am not afraid of Kanda… I guess…"
"I guess?" Rabi asked in surprise, but then he ruffled Ellen's hair, "don't be silly, Ellen!" The girl started laughing, begging him to stop. Rabi sat down next to her and Kanda studied the two with a look of irritation. He did envy Rabi for how easily he could deal with Ellen and how cheerful Ellen seemed in his presence. Added to this was the fact that Ellen might have wanted Bak to believe that Rabi was their child's father. However, there was something restraining Ellen's smile when she talked to Rabi – he had not seen them interact much, so maybe Ellen was always reserved to some extend.
"Cross is waiting," Kanda said after Ellen finished her dessert. She nodded and got up, but Rabi grabbed her wrist. Ellen looked at her in confusion and Kanda also noticed how serious Rabi looked.
"You still seem uneasy…," he said and Ellen sighed. "It's about what happened in the Ark, right? Do you want to talk...?"
"Maybe… If you do not feel uncomfortable about it…" Rabi let go of her hand and sighed as well, then he smiled at her.
"If I make you feel bad, then I must punish myself! I will have Yu punch me if I can't make your smile perfectly cheerful again!" Ellen smiled at him, then she waved and walked away. Kanda looked at Rabi with a suspicious glare, but Rabi just grinned and shrugged.
"Tell me later," the dark haired exorcist said and then he followed Ellen out of the Dining Hall.
"I wonder what Cross wants to talk about…," Ellen said when Kanda had caught up with her.
"Did that idiot do anything stupid?" Ellen looked at Kanda.
"No… It was not his fault… Do not worry about it, Kanda…," she replied but it missed its goal of getting Kanda off the topic.
"But that doesn't matter. You still seem to dislike me, even though I didn't want to harm you in any way either." Ellen sighed deeply and took Kanda's hand.
"I do not dislike you, but I must say that you make me feel uneasy right now. So please, drop the topic for the moment…" Ellen said and Kanda fell silent. But her hands stayed in his.
-
Cross let the two into his room with a displeased groan.
"You two are quite late! I haven't got all day, you know?!" He threw the door shut after Kanda and then he walked to his armchair and let himself fall into it. "Well? Take a seat!" The two obeyed wordlessly, sitting into the two other free armchairs. The table, Ellen noted, was this time clear of any wine bottles and it smelled as if Cross had let in some fresh air recently – it didn't stink of alcohol and dust anymore.
"Why did you want to speak with us, General?" Ellen wondered.
"I have an important meeting tomorrow and I thought it best to talk to you beforehand. I don't think that you really need to worry about it though…" Cross said in a bored tone.
"Just to have you say that does make me worry…," Ellen replied and the general snorted.
"I want you to stay in your room until tomorrow, brat."
"What? Why?"
"Secrecy. As far as your records go, you are still Allen Walker. I want it to stay like this at least until tomorrow," Cross explained and Ellen and Kanda looked at him in surprise.
"So there is something I need to worry about concerning your meeting tomorrow!" Ellen exclaimed.
"Calm down you idiot. We will deal with it tomorrow. Right now I asked you to come about a different topic."
"But, master –"
"Shut up! Good God! If I say tomorrow, then it is tomorrow!" Ellen looked at him in indignation, but she shut her mouth and glared at him. Cross groaned and scratched the back of his head casually.
"What did you want to discuss?" Kanda asked, because Ellen obviously sulked.
"Your marriage, of course," Cross replied and took something out of his pocket. Ellen had tensed up the moment Cross started speaking, but she looked even paler when Cross tossed two rings on the table.
"Rings?" Kanda wondered and took them; they were made of pale white gold. "You want us to wear them?"
"Obviously," Cross said and Kanda frowned, "they should match. I forced someone of the Science Department to make them."
"You told someone that you wanted rings made for her and me?" Kanda asked suspiciously.
"Of course not and I just guessed the size!" Cross replied and Kanda frowned, but he slipped the ring on his finger and it really did match. "See? What did I tell you? It matches." Kanda didn't say anything to that and just held out his hand to Ellen. But she just looked at the ring on his palm.
"What's wrong?" Ellen just shook her head and averted her eyes. "It's just a ring!"
"It's not just a ring! It's a sign of our marriage!"
"And how is that bad?" Kanda asked in irritation, "you still do want to keep all a secret?!"
"It would be best if –" Ellen started, but she was interrupted by Cross.
"Stop." Ellen widened her eyes when she heard him and looked at him. "Stop. Ellen, you are being ridiculous."
"Master…?" Ellen asked in confusion. Meanwhile Kanda clenched his fist around the ring and looked at his wife, then at Cross.
"What I see before me is a ridiculous and silly whimpering mess. Like on the day I first saw you. But even then, even though you were scared and had just seen your uncle die twice, even though you had just killed your first Akuma – even then you were ready to accept responsibility and search for a way to redeem yourself. And look at yourself now! A few months and many battles later you behave more stupidly and childish than you did then. You, a girl of 15 who had the chance to run but did not, are not even willing to take responsibility and act more mature in this situation? What exactly have your mother and Mana taught you?! Good God, Ellen Walker, do not fall back into old behaviour patterns!" While Cross lectured, neither Ellen nor Kanda said a word; but while Ellen was feeling terrible, Kanda was grateful for Cross speaking those words. Maybe if he did, Ellen would be more reasonable. "Think what kind of personality you built up; think of who Ellen Walker is! Even though you were in many dangerous situations, you were able to overcome them and walk on. You chose to return to the battlefield. You chose to bring your world back when you restored the Ark – you could have made everybody – including the smiley next to you" Kanda frowned, "stay where they were; you could have erased him out of your nearly spotless life. But you didn't. Why?" Ellen glared at Cross.
"What are you suggesting?! Why do you two think that I would sacrifice anybody – especially Kanda – for my convenience?!" Cross had to grin at that. "Why are you smiling so smugly?!"
"Because this look on your face is exactly what I want to see; I do not want to see meek Miss Bermont anymore; because face it: you no longer are. Even if you refuse to accept his name and this ring for the time-being, you still are Ellen Kanda. But for the moment we are a member of the Black Order, how you behave later on, I care not; but now I want to see you as strong, determined Ellen Walker and nothing else! You must remember your own strength and your priorities!" Here Cross turned his head towards Kanda. "And you; don't you dare start pampering her! If she behaves like a little girl, then you best just leave and let her calm down. You are not some lovey-dovey couple, you are exorcists! Act like it!" He slammed his fist on the table, "and that's all I wanted to say. Get the hell out of my room!"
-
Thrown out of the room, both of the exorcist just stood fixed to the spot without being able to say anything.
"I'll accompany you to your room," Kanda suggested and Ellen nodded, following him, while she went over Cross' lecture again in her head. "There. Good night, " Kanda said and held the door open for her.
"Wait a moment," Ellen said with a sigh and held her hand out to him, palm upwards. Kanda looked at her with a puzzled expression.
"What?"
"The ring. There must be a reason why Cross insists in us showing our marriage," she said and Kanda took out the ring. He looked at it, then at Ellen's calm but slightly red face. He grabbed her Innocence hand and put the ring on her finger himself. It did give him some satisfaction to slip the ring on her finger, but he was not sure if Ellen's willingness to wear it was to be interpreted as a good sign.
"There. It does stand out on your finger…," Kanda said with a frown as both of them studied Ellen's left hand. "Why do you make such a concentrated face?"
"It really looks mismatched…" Ellen said, then she looked up at Kanda and smiled gently, "but we are quite a strange mix ourselves… Right?" Kanda looked at her in surprise, but after a while he snorted and nodded.
"Yes…" he replied and Ellen continued looking at her hand, "Was a stern lecturing of Cross all it needed to set your head straight?"
"Kanda, please, do not mock me… I still think it was not the best idea to get married, even though I see that there was no other way and that it was the best choice in our situation. I understand that I might have overreacted though…" She sighed and held her hand to her forehead. "Really, I did not get this far just to return to my staring point. Mana would be disappointed in me…" She lowered her hand and looked up at Kanda. "But I must say that the idea of being married scares me… It makes me tremble, more than my pregnancy does…" Kanda put his hand on Ellen's head.
"Just ignore all of it for the moment. I am not going to change my behaviour just because I am a husband now. From my point of view the husband only has to do one thing: keep his wife safe and happy." Ellen smiled at him and nodded. "But for now, let's concentrate on being exorcists."
"Of course."
"Good night, beansprout."
"Good ni - Oh, do not call me that!" Kanda smirked, then he turned around. "Kanda, wait a moment!"
"What?" He asked, turning around to find a slightly embarrassed Ellen looking at him from underneath her unruly bangs.
"Do you… Do you not want to consummate our marriage? It is our wedding night after all…" Kanda looked at her in surprise.
"Well, as long as you consider it to be obligatory I do not want to consummate our marriage as you call it," he told her, "If I take you up on your offer now it'd be awkward…" Ellen studied him in wonder.
"So you will wait?"
"I will wait." Ellen looked at him and had to laugh. "What?"
"Excuse me, but your face is really tense at the moment!" Kanda blushed.
"What!? I am not entirely self-sufficient after all! Of course I desire it, but I'll still wait for you to be more comfortable with the situation!" he shouted in embarrassment and irritation. Ellen calmed down and smiled at him.
"Thank you… Also for being honest…" Kanda sighed and nodded.
"Whatever. Just go to sleep now," he said and waved her off. Ellen nodded and closed the door behind her and Kanda left for his own room. Well, they had made a progress, thanks to Cross. The mere ability to talk to her again without earning himself haunted looks was already a big improvement. Still, not taking her up on her offer after three months was kind of stupid. It would have been egoistic of course, so he knew that he made the best choice. It was silly to regret it. But still…
"Tch. I'll just be self-sufficient then…" Kanda snorted. There was still enough time after all.
To be continued
Notes:
Kanda's a teenager after all. Poor him.
I have no clue about eating etiquettes. Just pretend that the husband comes first and the others start eating after him…
Calling Kanda a "smiley" seems strange *lol* The German word would be "Strahlemann" which I couldn't find in my online dictionary of choice, but my big Langenscheidt dictionary had it (A Strahlemann is someone who's continuously smiling brightly – Rabi would be one). I don't know how "smiley" gets interpreted by English speaking people because for me a smiley is this: :D
So maybe Langenscheidt dictionary is trying to make a fool of me *lol*
Still no wedding night though. Hrm, maybe I should take more advantage of this story's M rating… What do you think?