Author's Notes:

New, short chapter, a lot of talking! ;3

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man belongs to Katsura Hoshino

EDIT: I don't really know what's wrong, but I had to delete this chapter and repost it. I hope it works now *frowns*

Kapitel 45: To confide in a friend

Linali looked at the couple in wonder. They were all standing in Kanda's room, with faint light shining through the window. The early evening sky was covered by swiftly moving clouds. It had been, according to Linali, a gloomy after-noon and she had feverishly hoped that it would clear up for a bright evening. But Leverrier was still here and now Ellen looked at her with shock.

"Ellen?" Linali asked, until the girl finally directed her look of reluctance to Kanda, "what is it? What do you want to tell me?" Kanda looked at his wife with a calm and rather cool expression. Ellen searched his face, voicing a what and then a no with her lips, but Kanda pretended not to notice. Ellen, realizing that her behaviour might unsettle Linali, turned around and forced a cheerful smile on her face.

"Ah! Do not worry, Linali. There-" Kanda walked past Ellen and Linali, which forced Ellen to voice a cry of protest, "Kanda! Where are you going?"

"Out." Was his short reply, which made Ellen widen her eyes.

"You cannot go out now! Do you want to leave me alone?"

"There's Linali, isn't there? You don't need me to talk," he said and closed the door after him without another glance back. Despite being pretty nervous, her outrage gained the upper hand and she stamped her foot, pouting with childish anger.

"What is going on here?" Linali dared to ask, making Ellen recall that she was not alone in the room. The girl sighed deeply, but then she made up her mind that Kanda – even though he forced her to do this – was probably right. She would just have to be angry at him later on.

"I am sorry for confusing you… But there is indeed something I must tell you… And I should have told you long ago…," she said and took a hold of Linali's hand, sitting down on Kanda's bed with her friend. Linali smiled encouragingly, if she was confused and curious (which Ellen bet she was) she didn't show it, probably to make Ellen less nervous. "It is about Kanda and I…" The Chinese girl nodded and Ellen took in a deep breath. "Remember how I told you over and over again, that we were not a couple?"

"Of course I do," Linali laughed with amusement and Ellen also smiled a bit.

"We are now…," she confessed the obvious and the girl opposite her widened her smile, gently squeezing Ellen's hand.

"I am glad to hear this out of your mouth. I asked Kanda earlier today and he told me you two were a couple. It makes me very happy!" Ellen nodded gratefully, but then Linali studied her friend, "but why the gloomy atmosphere before? Didn't you want it to be known?"

"Partly, yes…," she said and continued swiftly when Linali's face started to show a slightly disapproving confusion, "let me explain…" Ellen sighed yet again and Linali nodded silently. "I know that you were cross with me before because I did not confide things in you… I know that it is cowardly, but there are worries in my heart that I felt you would consider to be foolish…"

"I think…," Linali started when Ellen fell into silence, "that, whatever your worries are, it is far more foolish to not try to trust in your friends. You won't know what I think if you don't try telling me your thoughts and worries. Ellen… Ellen, I'm your friend. Do not be so shy…," she said and gently touched her palm to Ellen's cheek. The younger girl was blushing slightly, she was still slightly ashamed but Linali's words also made her feel a comfortable warmth. She decided that she should just tell her, even though her fear of losing someone as important as Linali was still there.

"I am sorry. Yes… I have wronged you, Linali. I should tell you… And I will. It might be that you disapprove of me, but that is to be expected." Ellen raised her eyes to look into Linali's face. "Yesterday, Kanda and I married…" Linali, upon hearing that, remained silent, her look changing from curiosity to one of incredulous surprise.

"I…"

"Listen to the end, please," Ellen asked her friend and Linali nodded in bewilderment, still speechless. "When I got back from Italy and told you that Kanda and I had kissed, I was apparently not telling you the whole truth. I believed and still believe that I have acted foolishly, therefore I was too ashamed to confide it in you… The truth is we actually slept together…" Linali blinked in surprise, then she blushed.

"R… Really? You did?!" she asked, red as a tomato and Ellen couldn't help but blush as well. "And you're even younger than I am!" came Linali's next exclamation.

"Uhm… Yes…" Linali just shook her head in surprise, but Ellen didn't see disapproval on her face. Something which made her breathe a silent sigh of relief.

"And why didn't you tell me?" Linali wondered, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips, but her confusion was still too great to make her joy reflect on her face.

"Because I felt that I should better keep it a secret. I know that it's a great mistake to be intimate with someone without being married…"
"Well… That might be so…," Linali said, and while looking into Ellen's face she recalled the terrible events back in the little village. "Yes… I understand why you felt bad about it… A lot of people would judge you. Even you judged yourself… But there must have been a reason for you and Kanda to…" Here she broke off and then she had to laugh in embarrassment. "I'm sorry," she apologized. Ellen had to smile. Until now Linali was reacting way better than she had imagined.

"I do not even know. I guess it was just that my emotions were too fierce. Both of us were confused and I simply gave in to the warmth and love he wanted to give me… It was… something new for me… A different kind of embrace, a different kind of kiss, a different kind of warmth… And I did not want him to stop, because I felt desolate…"

"But still," Linali said, trying to imagine what kind of emotions Ellen might have felt, blushing at what she came up with, "afterwards you told me that you were not sure what you felt for him…"

"Yes… It is how you said… I was just too young, and probably still am, and I did not think much… He was the first boy I really was close to, apart from my relatives. I admired and adored Kanda, even before, but was it enough to cross boundaries for?" Puzzled for a second at the word boundaries, Linali soon could phantom what the class-conscious girl tried to tell her.

"I guess I understand what you mean…," Linali said, "and you chose that it was not and therefore tried to keep it a secret?"

"Yes," Ellen replied quietly but honestly. Both of the girls were silent for a while, both thinking, but then Linali shook her head and smiled.

"I actually don't think that you acted foolishly… It is your good right to try something and then decide against it." Ellen looked at her in surprise, not having expected such an answer from the girl. Linali sighed dramatically, "of course, if you had told me right then in the bath, I would have argued for Kanda. I would have asked you to think again when you next saw each other." Linali looked at her friend, "were you afraid that I would tell you that despite the fact that you already made your decision?" Ellen studied her friend, still amazed.

"No… No I guess not…"

"Then you were afraid that I would condemn you for sleeping with Kanda without being married?"

"I… Yes…" Ellen said, nodding slightly, "I had no idea how you thought about it… And you even called me a good girl back the… I was too ashamed to tell you that I was in fact not a good girl…" At that Linali laughed quite unexpectedly. "Oh, Linali… Do not laugh…" Ellen mumbled in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry… Here, I'm no longer laughing," Linali said, composing herself. "But I think I understand why you were reluctant to confide in me. We were raised so differently, I would not have understood properly. But still… Sometimes it is much easier to make important decisions if you can also see something out of a different perspective. If you still chose to act according to your values then that is fine, maybe a bit sad now for Kanda, but it's your good right…" Upon hearing that Ellen almost started crying, because there had been so much aversion to how she thought and decided that it was unbelievingly good to finally hear someone approve of her. Even if she had made unfair decisions, Linali at least acknowledged her right to have other priorities which are not wrong by default. "Oh, Ellen… It's alright," Linali said upon seeing Ellen's wet eyes. The younger girl laughed and embraced Linali.

"Thank you, Linali," Ellen whispered. Linali smiled and waited for Ellen to compose herself. When Ellen wiped her eyes, the Chinese girl spotted the pale silver ring on Ellen's Innocence hand.

"But if you did not want to be a couple, then how did you two end up married?"

"Ah, yes… I should continue…," Ellen said, composing herself again, speaking calmly and in a gentle tone. Ellen herself was almost astonished at how in control of her emotions she now was. The dread of being rejected had partially disappeared and her previous horror of marrying Kanda had abated into little waves of guilt, but there still was an uneasiness in her. As well as there was a bit of still undiscovered happiness. It no longer was all bleak and Ellen felt that and it gave her strength to continue the conversation.

"Did Kanda talk you into it?" Was Linali's question because Ellen didn't give her a prompt reply.

"No, that was not how it was… Of course, it is a fact that he wanted to marry me. It seems that he too does consider marriage essential for any relationship… Anyway… Uhm…" Ellen started fidgeting with Kanda's blanket, nearly tearing a hole into it with the long and sharp nails of her Innocence hands. Linali raised an eyebrow and studied the girl, trying to make sense of her silence. Kanda and Ellen had slept together. Ellen thought it was wrong because they weren't married. She decided against him for various reasons. And now they were married never the less. Without telling her, Linali mused, thinking about the shame that had prevented Ellen from speaking about it and how she had started the conversation. But then, suddenly, it all made sense and Linali widened her eyes, staring at the girl.

"Don't tell me… That you ended up being pregnant…?" she asked, but Ellen nodded. Linali drew in a sharp breath, "but that village… The Innocence…" And Linali recalled that it had actually attacked Ellen and not because it had reacted to her Innocence, no, it was because she was another suitable target. Ellen's face was pale, but her cheeks were flaming red again. Apparently she really was ashamed of it. Linali stared at Ellen, but then she recovered from the surprise. "What did Kanda say…?"

"Nothing… Only that he would be a responsible husband…," Ellen replied and Linali frowned. "And that is okay… I did not expect him to be ecstatic… In this situation, nobody can be…" Linali couldn't deny that this was true.

"Hmm… But Ellen… keeping quiet about it won't help you either… At least, if you had talked to me from the beginning, you might be less uneasy about it by now…"

"Aren't you uneasy? I think it is unreal… Especially as it mostly feels as if there is nothing at all…," Ellen told her and Linali thought about that.

"Well… it must only be about four months now, right?"

"Yes," Ellen replied and Linali smiled, "it will still take nearly half a year…"

"Then there is time enough to get comfortable with it. Imagine, if we were no exorcists, wouldn't you be happy to be married and pregnant?"

"Well… It's hard to imagine, because if I were no exorcist, I would still be my mother's daughter…"

"Well, right… But she can't do anything about it now. And in the end you would still have Kanda, Rabi and me. And the whole Black Order." Ellen had to smile at that and nodded.

"So…," Linali started, smiling encouragingly, "wouldn't you be happy?" Ellen looked at her, then she lowered her head, looking at her linked fingers.

"I… I guess I would be…?" She finally dared to say and Linali's smile broadened, until the girl could no longer sit still and had to embrace Ellen. "Linali…?"

"I am really, really happy for you! But I am also worried a lot!" Linali said, not letting go of her friend, "We all have to fight, we are all burdened with Innocence. Oh, how I wish we weren't! How I wish I could change the world so that you could live safely!" Ellen was really surprised and also touched by her friend's honest words.

"I am fine…," Ellen told her gently, patting Linali's head, "I do not need the world to change as long as you are here." Linali lifted her head and smiled at Ellen.

"You're pretty strong, Ellen. I really admire you," she said and Ellen nodded, feeling the same about Linali.

"How about we get some tea now?" Ellen suggested after a while and Linali nodded eagerly. The two girls got up and walked out of the room only to find Kanda leaning against the wall next to the door frame. "Kanda?" Ellen asked in wonder and saw the young man slowly turn his head to look at her. He didn't say anything, so Ellen continued, both surprised and flustered: "You were standing here all the time?"

"Hn," Kanda snorted, "Apparently." He then looked at Linali. The Chinese girl noticed how his pale cheeks looked a bit more red than usual. Was he waiting for her to give him any sort of reaction to what Ellen just told her? He deserved both a kick and a kiss, the girl mused, but then she smiled widely and embraced both Ellen and Kanda.

"Ah, whatever! Let's just not think about bad things! Just let me congratulate you!" Linali said and let go of them to study the two. "Please, both of you, if you have any trouble and need help, just come to me! I'm your friend! Let me in on your secrets as well! I feel lonely if you don't!"

"Tch. Some things are none of your business!" Kanda argued and followed Linali to the dining hall, Ellen trailing behind. Linali laughed cheerfully, but didn't say anything. After a while Kanda turned around to find Ellen smiling to herself.

"Do you regret telling her?"

"No. But you should not have forced me. I think I asked you to give me time to muster my courage," Ellen replied, but still kept her smile in place. She wasn't really angry at him after all… But he should feel guilty about it, which he apparently did, especially as he had waited outside, listening to what they said. "Did you want to test my resolve?"

"I was annoyed… And doubtful," Kanda said, quiet enough not to make Linali turn her head, but she was still listening to them. Ellen sighed loudly, shaking her head. "After all, you say corny, nice things as if you quoted them out of a novel," Kanda added. Linali, despite pretending not to eavesdrop on them, had to laugh at that and Ellen, even though she pouted for having her honesty questioned, had to smile as well.

"Oh fine then, Mister Kanda!" she exclaimed and the three exorcists entered into the commotion of the dining hall. Kanda offered to get tea for the girls, which they accepted and Linali and Ellen found a table to sit at.

"It's still strange to imagine you two being married," Linali whispered and Ellen sighed, nodding, "oh! Was the white dress I gave you…"

"I used it as my wedding dress…," Ellen confessed and Linali looked at her with pity. "But it's not so bad…"

"But I wish you would have told me! You must have been really anxious! You never make it easier for yourself, Ellen!" Linali said with a defeated sigh. "Right, Kanda?" The young man put the tray with the tea and snacks down and sat next to Ellen.

"Whatever," was his only reply, swatting Ellen's hands away when she wanted to serve him tea.

"Are you having tea? Is there some for me as well??" Rabi said, appearing beside Linali, producing a cup out of nowhere.

"Oh, Rabi! Of course!" Linali said, making enough space on the bench for him to sit down. Kanda poured some tea into the cups and handed them to the others.

"I guess we four have never really sat together like this! Aaah, isn't it a nice feeling?" Rabi wondered, grinning at the others.

"It always gets annoying when you're there, idiot," Kanda said in irritation. Rabi was far from being offended by Kanda's words. Instead he became aware of the rings Ellen and Kanda were wearing.

"I cannot think of many circumstances where you, Yu, would agree to wear a ring – the same ring as Ellen does!" Rabi spoke up and Ellen nearly dropped the cookie she was eating. She smiled at him, slightly uneasy, but because it was Rabi and she had already told Linali, she wasn't that worried anymore.

"So you haven't told Rabi either!" Linali exclaimed and Ellen shook her head, "isn't it obvious? The two of them married in secret!" Rabi looked at them in wonder, but then he whistled, masking whatever he thought about it with a huge grin.

"I see, I see! It's because of the baby beansprout, right?"

"Baby beansprout?" Linali wondered, but then she lowered her eyebrows, "so you knew?" Rabi nodded and looked at Linali, a bit unsettled by the dark glare he was receiving. As if it were his fault!

"Yes, I figured it out pretty fast," he confessed and Linali groaned, looking at the couple in front of her with a slightly accusing look in her eyes.

"Why could you confide in Rabi, but not in me?"

"Linali, I said I figured it out, it's not as if the two of them were handing out pamphlets about it," Rabi joked but Linali couldn't help but feeling a bit left out and Ellen could understand her.

"If I ever get pregnant, I won't tell you first!" Linali said and Ellen smiled apologetically at her friend.

"Tch, so childish," Kanda complained, calmly sipping his tea.

"Linali, please don't be angry with me," Ellen begged and Linali, after pouting, finally put on a smile.

"I'm just teasing you, Ellen!" Linali said, cheerfully and Ellen sighed in relief, smiling as well. Rabi grinned, then he looked around.

"Oh, Ellen, where is your watchdog?"

"My…? Oh, you mean Howard Link? For the moment he will just keep an eye on me, instead of supervising me all the time," Ellen explained, which was a relief both for Linali and Rabi.

"Then wouldn't it be a good opportunity for us two to talk together?" Rabi wondered and Ellen nodded.

"Talk? What do you two need to talk about?" Linali wondered and Kanda frowned at Rabi.

"Nothing serious, just some long over-due conversation," Rabi reassured them, "Ellen, let's go to the library!" Ellen nodded and, snatching a few snacks for later, stood up.

"I will see you two later," Ellen said, then she followed Rabi out of the dining hall, leaving Linali and Kanda alone. Linali looked after the two, sensing that something was wrong, but before she could ask Kanda about it, he spoke up:

"Are you really okay with it?" She looked up at him in confusion, but then she understood and nodded.

"Yes…" Kanda raised an eyebrow, studying her calmly.

"Both the marriage and the… other thing…?"

"Yes…" Now Kanda frowned, glaring at his childhood friend. Linali noticed it and raised her hands in defence. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry Kanda! But what exactly do you want me to say to you?"

"If you don't want to tell me anything, then that's fine. At least I don't have to listen to your whining," he said, but remained seated instead of leaving to eavesdrop on Rabi and Ellen – not that he was supposed to eavesdrop but he did wonder what the two needed to talk about. In private. Linali sighed, making Kanda stop his train of thought, and smiled at him.

"There are always things that we don't want to talk about… There are things that I do not want to tell Ellen to not make her worry… But still, I feel that she should have confided in me… I'm her friend, why did she think I would be angry or disappointed with her for doing what you two did? Did I seem to her like such a person? I worry far more about Ellen than about her values that only seem to hurt her!"

"She's too scared to see beyond her most immediate problems… She's still a rash fool that can't think about something from different perspectives… She's a noble after all, she was not required to think much…"

"You're being mean Kanda… Not all nobles are like that! Ellen seems to be quite an open, friendly girl."

"Yes, when she's not confronted with the two most important things in her life; her mother and marriage," Kanda snorted and Linali sighed.

"We both know that's not all there is to Ellen… But I don't have a mother, maybe if I had I would be the same…"

"Tch. You have Komui, he makes it a point that you never think of marriage at all!" Kanda said and Linali had to laugh at that.

"It's actually quite sad! I'll never find a boyfriend with a brother like that!" Linali joked and Kanda had to sigh. If Ellen's mother was as difficult to deal with as Komui in one of his rages about his sister's virtue then he'd be in trouble. There's no way that he could just bang Mugen over Lady Bermont's head and have her shut up. "Anyway… I know that Ellen didn't want to marry you because you're so different… You must have been quite opposed to such a way of thinking…"

"Of course I was. She wasn't being reasonable. Especially in her situation," Kanda said and Linali sighed.

"I understand… And I think that Rabi told her similar things… Of course it would be nice if you could overcome these difficulties for the sake of love. But I also think that Ellen should have a choice…" Kanda didn't say anything to that and Linali looked at him, "You don't own her just because you love her. And Ellen isn't required to give up on her values because you think yours are better and less superficial. She still had a choice to refuse you and marry someone else, despite the child. She still had a choice until you two married. Now she no longer has. You forced her to give up on her family and her values, something she believed she could return to as soon as the war is over. Maybe she wouldn't have been that happy marrying someone of her standing, but she would have thought that she did the right thing for her family." Kanda silently listened to Linali's words with mixed feelings. Linali sighed and smiled at Kanda, "But it's not as if you had any bad intentions… I am sure that you will take good care of Ellen and that she will be happy with you… I'm actually a bit envious of you two!" Kanda looked at her with a puzzled frown, surprised that Linali changed the topic so fast.

"Why?"

"Why?" Linali repeated in a teasing tone, smiling. Kanda snorted, glaring at the girl in front of him.

"If you're so curious about our love and relationship then how about you try to overcome your brother and get yourself a boyfriend?" Linali had to laugh at that.

"It's not as if my brother can be equalled to social values!" She argued and Kanda rolled his eyes.

"But the values he holds are even more stupid," he retorted and Linali couldn't help but agreeing cheerfully.

"You know, Kanda…" Linali started after some time, looking at her friend, "there are a lot of things we exorcists have to do and have to give up for the sake of protecting our home and our friends… Please, take care of Ellen, so that she doesn't need to suffer more than she already did…" Kanda, after some silence, nodded and Linali lowered her head.

"Don't push yourself too hard, Linali," Kanda said after a while and Linali looked up in surprise. The young man opposite her studied Linali carefully, "you've been through a lot. I know that you are a strong woman, but rest a bit, now that your Innocence doesn't work properly." While Linali was still surprised, and a bit flustered at his praise, Kanda rose from the table.

"Thank you, Kanda!" Linali called and he nodded, "I will take care of myself."

"Hn. As I said; don't push yourself. You're home, let other people care for you a bit as well," Kanda answered, then he left the dining hall, leaving a smiling Linali behind.

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To be continued.

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Notes:

Bah, I planned to make Linali a bit more angry with Ellen, but it turned out like this. For the better, I guess. I thought that Ellen should have someone to back her up, even though Linali is a bit disappointed and sees fault with Ellen's way of thinking as well.

And yay, Kanda-Linali friendship! X3

Ah, after writing many chapters containing fight scenes, it seems as if there need to be some chapters containing talking! Over-due conversations, as Rabi says! Hehe.