Author's Notes:

This chapter was a bit delayed thanks to me being up in the Swiss mountains getting sunburns. ;3

This chapter contains Rabi and Ellen talking about their fight in the Ark which happened ten long chapters ago… *sigh* Slow story-telling, right? *lol* I hope I wrote is so that you don't need to remember what exactly they said.

There are very minor Rabi + Ellen elements in here, but to make up for it, Kanda and Ellen stuff follows. And rightly so. I hope there will be more real Kanda + Ellen moments over the next few chapters because this is a Kanda + Ellen story after all, and I haven't actually forgotten it!! ;3

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man belongs to Katsura Hoshino.

Kapitel 46: Fresh air

Rabi had chosen a quiet and deserted part of the Black Order's ample library. They sat at the very end of a narrow corridor created by two opposing, massive shelves, carrying many leather-bound, heavy books. It was dusty and it smelt of books that looked as if they had never been taken out again after they being placed on the shelves a long time ago. Ellen had spent quite a big deal of her free time in the library, but she was not familiar with this shady part. She had wordlessly and carelessly followed Rabi's guide as he led her through the corridors and past many shelves. Maybe, Ellen mused, she should have taken better care so that she could find her way back on her own. But she pushed the thought away as fast as it had arrived; there was no need to be on her guard. This was Rabi.

"Rabi is my friend. I trust him," Ellen told herself firmly, looking at the red-head near her with a mixture of both worry and affection. The young man seemed cheerful enough and looked out of the window, the only source of light they had in this corner, before he turned his head to look at Ellen.

"And? How is it going?" he wondered and Ellen blinked at him in wonder.
"What?" Rabi laughed and sat down on the wooden chair next to Ellen, not too close, but still within arm reach.

"You apparently told Linali of your condition. Did you make some progress with Yu to fuel this courage? Was marrying him such a big step towards accepting him?" he wondered and Ellen sighed, but then she smiled lightly.

"Actually there wasn't much courage involved to tell you the truth. I did speak with Kanda and I assured him that I would get comfortable with our marriage soon enough. He did not entirely believe me. I am not sure if he still expects me to be cross with him for going through with this rushed marriage despite my doubts, or if he is still cross with me for treating him unfairly. Anyway, he did not listen to my wish for more time, he more or less forced me to tell Linali. I am sure it was a test of my sincerity…" Ellen looked at her friend, now with a aggrieved expression. "I am no liar, Rabi. I would have hoped him to know that…" Rabi smiled gently, shaking his head.

"You aren't, Ellen. I'm sure Yu knows. But you aren't always completely honest either…" Ellen didn't say anything to that and Rabi continued: "Most of the time you are, but when it gets to situations where you are supposed to act as the heir of your family, then you adopt thoughts that aren't like you, Ellen. You are very kind and you are strong-willed. It is not surprising that we are all confused when we see you behave differently…"

"I am not…," Ellen started, looking down to her hands on her lap, "I am NOT behaving differently than I did when I came here. I had the same priorities when it came to my family as I have now! Kanda said he loves me despite my "antics" as he used to call it. Linali and you became my friends despite knowing that I think differently about certain things!" Rabi looked at her in surprise, then he lifted his hands to calm her, but she still had more to say. "I came to like a life where I did not have to think about the same set of obligations all the time, I came to like some parts about being an exorcist as opposed to being a well-sheltered, pampered, whiny, but loved and happy girl! However, that's not all there is to me, but I'm not lying. I'm not lying, Rabi!" she argued, clenching her fists, "I just don't know what exactly I'm supposed to be now…" Rabi looked at her for a long time, finally, he sighed and put his hand on top of hers, gently squeezing her fingers.

"It's okay, Ellen. I understand… I understand you very well…," he said silently and Ellen looked up. Rabi let go of her hand and leant back in his chair with a heavy sigh, scratching his head. "And I'm sorry that you got a taste of what balancing between different roles means for me…" Ellen studied Rabi for a short while, then she averted her eyes. Rabi noticed it and frowned uneasily. "I'm really sorry."

"Don't apologize Rabi, I know you…," here Ellen stopped because she didn't really know how to continue. You weren't being serious? No, that was not it, Rabi had been more than serious, much to Ellen's dismay. What did she want to say to him? It was not as if she didn't mind, or if she could shrug it off. It was significant. Neither of them could go on ignoring what had happened.

"Maybe I should try to explain…?" Rabi offered and Ellen nodded slowly.

"Yes…," she replied, "if you really want to offer an explanation I would be very glad to listen to it." Rabi remained silent for a while, but then he nodded his head.

"Well, you know that I wear the exorcists' uniform and that I use Innocence… But I consider this part of me to be only of a short duration. Once I've done what I need to do – recording that is – then I will stop being an exorcist and move on. I know that you can relate to this way of thinking. But the difference between you and me is that I will not go back into being who I was before; I will abandon my identity as Rabi and will continue my life as someone else. I've done so many times before, and I will do so many times afterwards…"

"You will lose your identity as Rabi once this war is over…?" Ellen asked, slightly shocked "but why? Why would you want to do it?"

"It's not that I want to give up everything I have, but I must… It's my obligation… I am a Bookman." Ellen frowned unhappily, still not really understanding.

"Why go to such lengths? What exactly does it mean to be a Bookman?" She wanted to know and Rabi crossed his arms over his chest, directly looking at her.

"We Bookmen move around the very edges of history. We are outside of the sphere we want to record. We don't consider us to be proper human beings, because as Bookmen we have to record what we witness and experience; we are not allowed to judge and neither are we interested in judging history. I've seen a lot, Ellen, and living the way we do is the least painful choice we have…"

"Rabi…," Ellen whispered with pity, as she saw his solemn expression on the usually cheerful face. "Speak no more if you-"

"I do want to speak more, Ellen. I want you to understand. I want it off my chest now. Please, listen for a bit longer…," he begged her and Ellen, surprised, nodded, folding her hands on her lap, silently listening. Rabi lowered his head, thinking how to word things, but then he looked at Ellen and continued to explain: "We Bookmen adopt various identities which help us to move around in the sphere about which we want to make records. And we discard them as soon as we move on to the next record. Humans, we are taught, are none of our concern. Human affection, tragedies and bonds… They mean nothing to us. If we form temporary bonds with people it's only because we can benefit from them. Humans are nothing more than ink on the pages of history. You are not important, you are not my friends, I am not really one of you, I will forget you when I let go of Rabi." Ellen didn't say anything for a short while, looking at Rabi with a stern expression. Rabi found it to be rather disheartening, but Ellen's face became gentle once she started to speak:

"I see. However, Rabi became too important, didn't he? You did not mean to get immersed into your role and your friendships a much as you did…" Rabi didn't reply, he just shrugged. "I am not going to judge you, Rabi. But it also pains me to know of how torn you are." Rabi frowned and shook his head.

"Don't! Don't pity me, Ellen! I offended you, I hurt you!"

"So we talk," Ellen said calmly and Rabi looked at her in wonder. She was far calmer and more composed than he had expected. "You also hurt yourself, Rabi. I know you regret that I saw another side of you. And to tell you the truth, I am still not entirely sure what you really think. I do not know who you really are and I know that I am only supposed to be familiar with Rabi. But I saw more. Tell me what to do with it…," she said, then she smiled to make the look of pain disappear from Rabi's face. "Don't pull such a face."

"Ellen… You are…," he said, then he groaned, "so strange!" Ellen widened her eyes, then she narrowed them again, a little bit offended.

"Strange? How am I strange?!" Rabi laughed gently, reaching out to touch her cheek with his palm. She widened her eyes and drew back in surprise. Rabi's smile didn't falter and Ellen calmed, her heart still jumping a bit more restlessly in her breast because of the unexpected closeness. Rabi reached out again, this time slower, and put his hand on Ellen's cheek.

"I don't want to harm you in any way Ellen. I don't want to hurt your body more than I did, I don't want to drive agony into your heart, I don't want to scratch your honour."

"I know you won't Rabi… You won't," Ellen assured him with a gentle smile, covering his hand with hers. Rabi sighed, then he withdrew his hand when Ellen let go and patted her head in a brotherly way.

"You really trust me more than I deserve…," he told her and Ellen laughed.

"Maybe I do, I cannot tell. But I will not regret it," she said in a determined tone which made Rabi laugh. "But tell me Rabi… Where the things you said back then what you really think? Do you think that I am undeserving of the attention, trust and love everybody gives me?" Rabi's hand stopped tousling her hair and he looked at her with an insecure expression.

"I cannot really remember everything I said to you…," he admitted and withdrew his hand, putting it on the table next to him.

"That doesn't matter. But tell me the answer to my question. All the heartache leading up to my marriage with Kanda made me think about it again. I did wish for his attention, as I wished for yours and Linali's. But I didn't want to let you all down. I do not know for certain if I can shoulder the responsibilities. And I do not know if I can deal with knowing that you severely judge me for what I did and for how I seemed to have hurt and misled Kanda." Rabi looked at her, then he sighed, shaking his head.

"I've been far too harsh, Ellen. I must have wanted to provoke you… It is true that you are special in many ways and that the people turn to you. Everybody knowing you loves you in their own way and they demand things of you. There really is a heavy burden on your shoulders; the duty of pleasing them," Rabi said, "and Yu… I do think that you should not give him false hope. I was very angry with you sometimes… Maybe I was being unfair, I could have tried to see things from your side a bit clearer, but I did not. I don't know if I was unhappy with your relationship with Yu, but I don't judge you for it." He fell silent after having said that and Ellen didn't speak up either. After a strained minute of silence Ellen decided to continue speaking, even though she wasn't really sure if she should:

"You said that this here," she put both her hands to her stomach, pressing the finger tips into the fabric of her shirt, "is the proof of my disobedience. That I was not supposed to fall in love with Kanda. And that I will shatter hearts if I don't pay attention…" Rabi, seeing how her fingers dug into her stomach, reached out to take her hands into his.

"I was cruel… Please don't think about your pregnancy like this… It's not bad to want Yu's attention, it's not your fault that he fell in love with you. You made the decision to allow intimacy between you, and that's fine, it's fine Ellen. Don't let it burden you anymore. Maybe it was bad luck and maybe it was destiny for you to get pregnant with Yu's child. You were supposed to be a mother sooner or later. That was what your mother expected of you, that's what you wanted for yourself. Now it's Yu's and Yu will be able to deal with it and he will be able to face the consequences with you," Rabi said, squeezing Ellen's hands, "so don't listen to those things I said, stop hating yourself." Ellen took a shaking breath, but she nodded. "Okay?"

"Yes," she said, nodding again. After a while she looked up and gave Rabi's hands a light squeeze. He blinked in confusion to see her look at him and he laughed.

"What is it? Did I forget to comb my hair?"

"Rabi, there is just one more thing I want to know…," she started and he nodded.

"Ask whatever you want," he told her. Ellen frowned and let go of his hands, playing with her fingers uneasily. Rabi raised an eyebrow, "what is it? Is there something else I said back then?"

"There is something else… Yes… It's about you and me," she told him and Rabi looked at her in wonder. "You asked whether I really deserved Kanda's love." Rabi wanted to say something, but Ellen cut him off, "or yours if you decided to give it." Whatever Rabi had wanted to say, the words died down and he looked at her with his visible eye wide open.

"… I said that...? I really did?"

"You did," Ellen replied calmly, looking at him not with a blush and not with reproach. She just wanted to know. Rabi scratched his head uneasily. "What does it mean? You-"

"I do find you very interesting Ellen, also as a Bookman. But my interest and affection for you must have sounded so wrong voiced by that other part of me… I must have gone overboard… I would never step between my best friend and my little bean-sprout," he told her and Ellen nodded. Rabi looked at her, unable to make out what she thought about it, and sighed, "You know, as a Bookman things would never work out… Even though I might fit your image of a husband or father better, I tell you, I'm not cut out to be either. Yu is far more responsible than I am. He will be there for you, he really loves you and not just in some twisted way."

"So you say your love for me is twisted?" Ellen asked, with a hint of amusement in her voice and the corners of her lips were also drawn up into a small smile.

"I love you as my dear little beansprout. I want to be your older brother. But apparently parts of me think other wise. But I will never allow these parts to resurface and to touch you, I swear," he told her and Ellen nodded, smiling gently. "I will try my very best to support you the best you can, you can rely on me!"

"Thank you Rabi. Thank you for trusting me with all these information," Ellen told him and he helped her up. He nodded cheerfully, patting her head again.

"You're welcome!"

-

Ellen returned to her room after she and Rabi had found the other two already gone when they arrived back at the dining hall. Rabi had excused himself and went to find the old Bookman and Ellen, with no mission to prepare for, went back to the living quarters with some snacks. There was something she was required to do, so she pulled out a parchment and her pen and sat down to write a letter.

"Dear Lord Mikk,

I am very obliged to you for your flattering note and your beautiful gift. However, I cannot accept either the present or your hand.

Judging by my mother's opinion of you, you are a very fine man, my Lord, but I am nothing more than a girlie for someone of your refined taste.

Ellen Bermont, let me assure you, will certainly not be a matching wife, for she follows a different goal than your Lordship does. I do not want to seem ungrateful because your proposal was very flattering. I really hope that I have not hurt you too much and that you will soon recover from the injury I inflicted on you.

With regards,

Ellen Bermont"

Ellen would have wished to send all kind of curses on Tyki's head for the harm he has caused her, but she was also sincerely worrying about what had happened to him after she had tried to exorcise him. Why hadn't it worked in the first place? Was he rotten to the very core? Ellen wanted to refuse to believe that. He was a human, like she was, he had friends waiting for him, friends who would have cried over his death.

"But he tried to kill me…," Ellen whispered to herself as she folded the paper and put it in an envelope adding the address of her mother a note for her to send it on to the Lord she seemed to like so much.

"I hope I was ambiguously making clear who I really am. I want him to understand that I cannot marry him because I know what kind of person he is… But I do not want him to turn against my mother. I do not want to endanger her or my family…," she thought and sighed deeply. Maybe it was bad for her to even imply that she was not pretty, easy to get Miss Bermont, but the exorcist that he had tried to kill. With the letter closed and ready to be dispatched, Ellen also thought about writing a letter to her mother. She should, she hadn't written to her for so long, but what should she tell her? That she was safe and sound? Should she just ignore all the pressing things she should tell her? Ellen squeezed her eyes shut and tossed the pen away, getting up in a troubled state of mind. She put the palm of her hand to her lips, thinking, but then she took the written letter from the table and left her room. She walked through the corridors and stopped in front of Kanda's door, knocking. She actually expected him to still be away, but she was surprised when he opened the door for her.

"Have you finished talking with Rabi?" Kanda asked and she nodded, "hn. What is it?"

"I just wrote a letter, would you do me the honour of accompanying me to find someone who can send this letter off?" Ellen asked and Kanda raised his eyebrow, but he nodded.

"Did you write to your mother?" He asked as they made their way down to the lounge, where Ellen hoped to find someone going to London.

"No, I did not dare to, General Cross also deemed it best to not inform her of it…," Ellen replied, "besides, I am sure that my uncle will inform her soon enough," she added with a deep sigh. Kanda looked at her, but then he lifted his hand and patted her head.

"Don't worry," he told her and Ellen turned her head to the side, smiling at him, nodding. "Let me fetch a finder," Kanda offered and wanted to walk away, but Ellen grabbed his wrist before he could go.

"A moment please, let me do this. You seem to have a habit of looking like a bully," Ellen said, laughing shortly. Kanda frowned and glared into the lounge, where some finders were already looking at him suspiciously. Ellen had fortunately used her time in the order well to socialize and most people knew her to be a nice girl. She found someone going to London, who was willing to take the letter to her mother, pretty fast.

"You should not spend so much time with Kanda, he is rather scary," the finder tried to warn her. Ellen laughed and nodded, then she thanked him for delivering the letter and rejoined Kanda.

"Is there anything else you want to do?" Kanda asked her and Ellen shook her head.

"I have no plans. When do you think Komui will assign us new missions?" she wondered and Kanda frowned.
"Are you in a hurry to get yourself hurt again?" he asked in disapproval which earned him laughter from Ellen.

"Don't be stupid, Kanda!" she said, but then her face got serious all of a sudden, "maybe now that we have sized the Ark and the things on it, the Earl is thrown back in his plans. Maybe we have gained a bit of time, but I am sure that we should not spend this time being lazy."

"Tch, why do I need to hear such things out of your mouth?" Kanda asked in irritation, "you should use all the time you can to rest!" Ellen laughed, but didn't argue with Kanda. He sighed and shook his head. "Do you remember that I promised you to take a walk together?"

"Yes?" Ellen replied and looked at Kanda in surprise, "do you want to go out now?"

"There is nothing much we have to do anyway," Kanda said, feeling slightly stupid for suggesting it. Ellen seemed to think it over, but after a while she nodded.

"It's okay for me… I feel a bit stiff to be honest. Maybe it would do me good to walk around a bit. Do you think we are allowed to?"

"I'll tell Komui, you go fetch your jacket or something, it's still fresh outside," Kanda told her and she nodded.

-

After about ten minutes Ellen was waiting in front of the door leading down into the waterways. She was dressed in the cloak her mother had sent her for her birthday. Her white stockings and her black skirt were visible underneath the hem of the cloak. She was getting a bit warm standing around inside, but Kanda soon joined her, wearing a black jacket over his white shirt.

"Is Komui fine with us going for a walk?" Ellen asked and Kanda, after trying his best to not obviously stare at her, nodded. "Fine, then let us go!" Kanda opened the door and descended down into the underground water-way. Both of them were silent when they sat in the boat, the finder, who had volunteered to take them outside, every now and then dared to look down at the odd couple.

-

"The last time we have been here together was in autumn if I remember correctly," Ellen said, getting out of the boat after Kanda. "This is a nice way, it's green all around…" They walked a few steps, Ellen looking around. The road was not paved and there were trees on one side and the small river on the other. Beyond the river and the trees lay fields as far as both could see. There was an occasional farm or wooden fence to be spotted, but they were actually all alone on the road. A light breeze rustled through the leaves and the early evening sun threw spots of light and shadow onto the road. "It's so calm and quiet… And the air is nice…," Ellen said and Kanda nodded. After a while he stepped up to her and took her hand. Ellen nearly stumbled in surprise, then she looked to her side, but Kanda just looked at her calmly. In the end Ellen didn't say anything, but she showed Kanda a fond smile and squeezed his hand. She felt that in the palm of her Innocence hand his hand, even though it was strong, seemed almost small and delicate. But it didn't disturb Ellen, his hold on her hand was warm and she felt quite calm and liberated out here.

"Maybe you think that I am strange for saying this," Ellen started after studying their linked hands and the ring on her finger and Kanda looked at her, "but I was afraid that my marriage with you might be like a prison for me…" Kanda frowned.

"It's not hard to imagine you thinking something like that…," he said with a snort, then he bent a bit closer, "and is it?" Ellen blushed a bit to have his face so close to hers, but she didn't back away.

"N… No… Right now it isn't…"

"And I certainly won't try to treat you like my prisoner in the future… But I still like to pretend that you are mine," he told her. At that Ellen laughed, then she also turned her head to the side a bit and put a small kiss to his cheek.

"Do not worry. I am yours now and I will not try to run away again," she whispered against his skin. Kanda stopped walking, Ellen doing the same, and embraced her gently. Ellen smiled and returned the embrace. This was the right thing to do, this felt good to her. His warm, protecting arms around her, his breath in her hair, his lips touching her forehead. She could feel the affection and love that he harboured for her. This man was her husband now, and she would do her very best to make him feel as good as he made her feel at this very moment, standing on the road shaded by the trees. This was actually what she had always wanted, right now there was neither shame nor regret. Just him and her.

After a very long time Kanda let go of Ellen and was rather surprise to find tears in Ellen's eyes.

"What's wrong?" he asked in concern. Ellen smiled and brushed the tears away, then she took Kanda's hand, pulling him forwards.

"I just felt what kind of idiot I was for being so stubborn. The fresh air and being alone with you clears up my head a bit," she told him and he raised an eyebrow at her.
"Why?" he wondered and Ellen laughed lightly.

"Because I just had a feeling that it would be such a pity not to have you," Ellen confessed and Kanda looked at her with surprise written all over his face.

"Are you sure?" Kanda asked with a doubtful tone and the white haired girl nodded sincerely. "I'm not quite sure what kind of ideal image of me you have just dreamed up in the last few moments…"

"Don't be silly, Kanda. I did not dream up anything, I just felt certain of your love just then," she told him. Kanda, despite blushing slightly, couldn't help but being irritated at her.

"And you realized that just now?"

"Ah! Do not look at me like that!" Ellen exclaimed, laughing cheerfully.

"You're hopeless, beansprout…," Kanda said with a sigh. The girl grinned, then she pointed at a bench standing at the edge of the road, under a tree.

"Let us sit down for a bit," she suggested and Kanda nodded, following the girl. They sat down, Ellen stretching her legs, lifting her feet from the floor in a childish manner, but then she let them fall again, smiling at Kanda.

"Your coat is nice, is it a gift of your mother?" Kanda asked and Ellen nodded, happy for Kanda to make a remark on it.

"Do you like it? She sent it to me on my birthday!" She told him and Kanda looked at her.

"When is your birthday?" he wanted to know, "it's in November, right?"

"Yes! You remembered!"

"You talked a whole lot on our train journey, therefore I forgot a lot of it," Kanda said, mocking her lightly but Ellen didn't feel very offended.

"It's the 30th of November. And yours?"

"Sixth of June…," Kanda replied and Ellen grinned at him. "What's there to grin?"

"So we will have a big birthday party for you! I will – oh wait, you don't like sweets, do you. Not even cake?" Kanda rolled his eyes, but Ellen thought of something else as well. "That's almost in three months..."

"I can count, idiot…," Kanda said with a snort, but Ellen still wore a frown, "what?"

"Well… Then you can probably also count that not that many weeks after your birthday we will probably be parents…," Ellen said and Kanda looked at her in wonder, "You will turn 19, right? And I'll only be 15…" Kanda composed himself pretty fast and shrugged.

"That's nothing overly exceptional is it? It happens pretty frequently."

"Hm, well… But do you know how to be a father?"

"It can't be that difficult or else there would be much less people living on earth," Kanda said unworriedly and now Ellen had to roll her eyes.

"Mana said that it is a big responsibility, so you better won't take it lightly," the girl insisted.

"If Mana says so then it must be true…," Kanda said not in a mood to argue with Ellen.

"How do you think it will look? We're so different…," Ellen said, a frown on her face, "I'm English and you're Japanese. I wonder if it will look funny." Upon hearing that Kanda was silent for a while, but then he lifted his hands, shrugging.

"Black hair and blue eyes, similar complexion as mine. Probably tall like me, delicate like you."

"If it has any luck it will look more like you than me," Ellen said with a frown after hearing Kanda's guess and Kanda tugged at Ellen's hair. "Ouch!"

"Don't go sprouting nonsense! There is nobody as beautiful as you!" he hissed and let go of her hair. He was embarrassed, but Ellen laughed happily, embracing him.

"Let's just hope that the war is over soon…But first…"

"First I hope that your mother won't give us too many problems, she seems to be the only real obstacle left that still manages to sully your mood," Kanda said and Ellen sighed, resting her head on Kanda's shoulder.

"She won't be happy…"

"Probably not, because you didn't act according to her plans for you… But if she loves you as much as you seem to love her, then she will soon come to her senses… You did the most reasonable thing in your situation. And I'm glad that you didn't run away, even if it was painful for both of us…," he said and Ellen nodded. She lifted her head from his shoulder and looked up at him.

"I too… Thanks for not giving up on me, despite the way I behaved," she told him and he nodded. Ellen shivered a bit and looked up into the sky. The sun had almost set and it was getting chilly.

"Let's go back, I'm sure you're hungry…," Kanda suggested and Ellen gladly accepted it.

"Yes, let's go home," she said and took his hand.

-

To be continued

-

Notes:

How cheesy. Things are mostly mended for now. But for how long? ;3

It might have been silly of me to make the two of them talk about their future child as easily as they did now, but for now it's still a concept that seems to be far away for both of them, so they don't really need to talk about it seriously.

I guess there will be another chapter before we continue with what happened in the Manga for a bit longer! :D

P.S. I apparently made up Ellen's birthday.