Author's Notes:

It's been a long time, for that I apologize! I've "moved" to Brighton in England a month ago and I'm really busy. Next to that I only access the internet sporadically.

But here's the chapter! I hope its quality hasn't suffered all that much.

Last but not least; a big thank you goes out to ShadowOfTruth for offering her beta reading skills and thus making the reading experience nicer for you! :D

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man belongs to Katsura Hoshino

Kapitel 58: Tokens of Trust

The profound silence of the big hall and Kanda's tight embrace felt oppressive to Ellen. As much as she longed to be properly hugged by the other exorcist and feel confident in the reassurance he meant to give her, this time she could not help but to resist and push her arms against his chest to be released. Kanda did let go of her, albeit unwillingly, after a moment of trying to hold on to the squirming girl but it only got him a fiercer push against the chest. When released, Ellen took a step back and the clacking of her heels on the marble floor sounded awfully loud – like a pistol being fired – against the silence of the empty hall. Kanda looked at her with an unreadable face, but then he snorted and his eyebrows contracted to show his disapproval of the embrace's rejection. Link had retreated to the door, giving them enough privacy without actually losing sight of the girl. Ellen appreciated the consideration, but did not like how his retreat practically urged Ellen to continue her argument with her husband.

"Don't you believe me?" Kanda asked quietly, studying Ellen's face. "Have I given you a reason to doubt me?"

"This is not a matter of trusting or doubting," Ellen told him as calmly as her agitation allowed, "but I cannot understand the motivation behind your actions and if I cannot do that then I am not able to know how much value there is to your words and promises." Kanda frowned at her, shaking his head. His refusal to accept this fact exasperated the girl and she turned around, slowly walking to the window to look outside. The shadow of the 14th seemed to be grinning at Kanda, apparently enjoying this display, but Kanda could not see him and Ellen tried not to pay him any attention.

"I keep my promises, I've kept all of them so far," Kanda argued and walked up to Ellen. She looked at him in the window's reflection before she turned her head to study him. "Even if it takes time to fulfill them." Ellen sighed.

"I told you before; I would be fine if you kept quiet about your past as long as you told me why. You don't need to tell me everything, I also have a few things I have no intention of telling you." Kanda raised an eyebrow at that.

"You do?" Ellen snorted, a bit amused by his inquiring expression.

"Yes," was all that Ellen said which caused Kanda to frown, thinking about what kind of secrets she could have. But seeing how Ellen had no intention of telling him, he gave up on it after a while. "But the fact that I do not really know who my husband is bothers me."

"You know who I am," Kanda retorted but Ellen shook her head, "what-"

"Do you honestly think that we will be exorcists forever?" Ellen interrupted him and Kanda looked at her in confusion. "One day we will have won this war and then we will return to live normal lives. And who will you be then when you can no longer hide behind your role as an exorcist? A past, Kanda, is what shapes us and even if it does not matter right now, it will do so one day." Kanda remained silent. "Do you want to hope for this war to continue forever, so that you can avoid telling me about your life before you came here?" Ellen sighed when she didn't receive an answer and put her hand on Kanda's shoulder. "You once told me that you are proud of your name and I know that you expect me to one day embrace that name as well. But tell me… how can I become Ellen Kanda if I don't know what it means to bear that name?"

To that Kanda couldn't muster an answer, but he acknowledged the validity of that argument with an understanding nod. "I will only come to bear your name when I am comfortable with it, with what it means to be part of that family, with you, with our marriage." Kanda, having kept a grave face until that moment, now widened his eyes, a hint of surprise and caution in the look he gave his wife.

"You mean to tell me that you aren't comfortable with me or our marriage?" he asked, his tone held both a challenge, but also doubt in it. Ellen glanced at him before averting her eyes to study their reflection in the window.

"Yes."

"Yes?" Kanda asked and took a step forward, taking hold of Ellen's arm, "Just a simple yes? You are not comfortable? Tell me why." Ellen looked over her shoulder, frowning at him and the tight grip he had on her arm. He let go when he realized and (adjective, 'hastily') apologized ('before adding'), "Just because of the secrets?"

"No, that is not all. I tried to make you understand before, did I not? I will tell you again..." Ellen started whilst Kanda looked at her with that expression he often wore before a mission – calm but with strained concentration. "I do not like it if you try to control me. If you decide what actions I should take and when I should take them." Kanda's expression changed and he looked at her with a doubt and confusion. "You are my husband." Ellen continued and looked into his eyes. "You have power over me. Do you want to use it?" An indignant expression crossed Kanda's face and he shook his head.

"I told you before: nothing should change between us – there is no such thing as hierarchy in this relationship. You disregarded our differences in social classes and I will continue to disregard the useless convention of me holding any kind of power over you just because I'm your husband." Ellen nodded and Kanda waited for her to say something. When she didn't he lifted his hands with a quizzical and slightly impatient expression. "Well? With that sorted out, what exactly do you mean?" Ellen was not up to make him think for himself or guess, so she decided to simply repeat what was on her mind, things she was sure she had told him before.

"Thrusting me into a marriage, for example, without giving me time to think about it. I am sure you've had your doubts about it as well ever since mother mentioned it," she said and Kanda sighed, letting his shoulders, which he had pulled up stiffly, drop back down.

"So you expect an answer to the accusations of this morning now?" Ellen narrowed her eyes, turning around fully to face him. Kanda certainly did not like that look on her face.

"Accusations? Well fine if you want a list of all that I accuse you of, then I'll give you one," she said irritably and Kanda crossed his arms over his chest, waiting with a sour but also reluctant look. Ellen breathed in through her nose, glaring at her husband.

"How about the question of trust that you seem to hide behind? You forced me to tell Linali about our marriage and my pregnancy before I was ready to because you doubted my promise to do so. How was that a token of your trust in me? But you want me to trust you even if you don't fulfil your promises on the spot?" Kanda opened his mouth but Ellen cut him off: "And now you plan on following me around like a shadow, going on each and every mission with me. I am sure Komui did not force you into it and that it was your own decision to do so. Even though you must mean well, it still means that you supervise every action I take – even on the battlefield where we are not supposed to be a married couple, but comrades."

"What? I was just-"

"And then there's your promise to forever stay with me, no matter what happens, no matter what I do, no matter what side I choose. I doubt you are aware of how that endangers both you and me. I would prefer for us to be clear on that as well..." After that Ellen was silent, as was Kanda. "Now it's your turn to either throw accusations right back at me or to give me an answer." Kanda raised his hand, touching his forehead with a strained sigh, closing his eyes while doing so.

"Beansprout...," Kanda started.

"My name is Ellen," the girl interrupted and Kanda opened his eyes again, lowering his hand.

"Ellen," the young man corrected reluctantly, looking straight at her. "Yes, Cross' suggestion of a swift marriage was just what I wanted. I took advantage of it because I saw it as the chance to marry you, as you seemed so reluctant to do it. It was egoistical on my part and in the case that our marriage gets dissolved by Leverrier and your mother, then I leave the choice to you to either renew it or to marry someone else."

"Well, thank you for that," Ellen replied, "but I do not wish for this marriage to be broken up. I cannot ask for more than you to understand. I do not want you to feel guilty because that is not going to lead us us anywhere. I just want you to think about my side of the argument a bit. You always just disregard my point of view and even if my views might be outdated in your opinion, as I am still entitled to them." Kanda nodded silently.

"Now, about the question of trust..."

"Yes...," Kanda said with a sigh. "The thing with Linali wasn't nice, but I thought that it would be for the better."

"Well it might have been, but I promised you to tell her, to have everyone know. If you cannot trust my promises then why should I trust yours? It might seem like a minor thing, but it is not comforting to know that you get impatient with me like that... I know it's part of how you are to not be very patient and rather straight forwards and that's fine. I do not what to change who you are, but there are certain delicate topics where there's just no point in rushing."

"What about rushing me now?" Kanda asked and Ellen put her hand on his upper arm.

"I will wait. I just want to know why you can't tell me... It must not even be now, but I want it to be soon. Mr. Link told me before; just because I did things for you I have no right to demand for you to do the same. A relationship does not work like that." Kanda frowned and looked over to Link.

"You talk to him about these kinds of things?"

"He has a different kind of perspective because he is not involved. I don't tell him more than he needs to know. And I certainly won't talk to him about certain private body parts of yours like you seem to do about me with Rabi."

"You're still sour about this?" Kanda asked with a snort and Ellen had to laugh.

"I'm just teasing you," she replied with a smile but Kanda had a feeling that she still was cross after all, at least enough to bring it up occasionally. They were silent for a while, but then Kanda spoke up again:

"Why don't you want me to accompany you on the missions? That Link is there as well and you don't seem to mind that."

"I do not mind you being there and fighting alongside me, but it also scares me. You want to make sure that I will do nothing bad. It's the same with everybody. Everyone has the duty to keenly observe me, to be wary of me, to fight me or even kill me should I turn into an enemy – which I won't."

"Of course you won't...," Kanda added quietly. "But I will not kill you or fight you."

"How do you plan to achieve that? You promised me that you'll make sure that I will not harm my friends. So what promise is more important; to make sure that I will not be harmed, or that I will not harm anybody." Kanda opened his mouth to reply, but then he closed it again without saying anything. However, he replied after a while:

"For me you are most important, more important than the order, the missions and any other person out there. To keep you alive and safe is my priority. But I know that this is not the answer that I should give you, even if it's the truth."

"Yes... And I am afraid. Truly afraid of this problem. Without a moment's hesitation you can tell me that you will stay with me as a Noah, which means that even when I switch sides you will come with me. And I feel that you are serious about this. But then again I also have a feeling that you will do your duty, as you always do. I just cannot foresee what will happen... I do not want to die, Kanda. Especially not by your hands. But I also do not want you to die, especially not because of me..." Ellen looked up at Kanda. "Kanda... Let's just be reasonable for a moment. We've only known each other for less than half a year. You don't know me well and I know almost nothing about you. How could I possibly know how to understand your reasoning about such an important decision? And why would you want to throw away your life for someone you barely know?" Kanda looked at her quietly, studying her, but then he nodded.

"My future is uncertain, Ellen. I think I already told you before that there is a chance I won't live a long life... And I already made up my mind to dedicate the time I have to one thing years ago. Now, I changed focus. If my life does not last long, then I will do everything I can to protect you with it. There are things I want to do, things I must do and your presence does not change that. But it does change my readiness to die for that cause. I do not want to die for you, Ellen... I want to live for you." Ellen looked at him with wide eyes while Kanda calmly returned the look, but he snorted after a while, turning away in embarrassment. "Tch, that was just too corny."

"No! No, Kanda. Well, yes, maybe a bit, but still. Thank you. Thank you." Kanda turned around again, his cheeks still slightly red, to find Ellen smiling at him. "Well... Then let us hope that we will both live long."

"You're no longer angry at me or disappointed in me?" Kanda asked and Ellen sighed silently, but then she held out her hand towards him.

"I feel all better now that I finally told you about what bothers me. If there are things bothering you just tell me. We both have our flaws, but I want to feel comfortable in this relationship, because we're probably going to be married for a long time. So shake hands." Kanda had to laugh at that and grabbed Ellen's hand tightly, shaking it.

---

Sometimes Kanda was surprised by the kind of authority Ellen could emit. She had demanded for the rooms to be rearranged so that Kanda and Ellen could share one and Link received one of his own. The person in charge of the accommodation bureau had tried to argue that this decision was mainly up to the owner of the house.

"I have the authority to decide what happens in this house," Ellen told the man with a polite tone, "and I want that the rooms are rearranged as I see fit. If you do doubt my ability to make decisions in this matter, contact Lady Bermont and ask her."

"N- No... It is alright, Miss Walker..." the man had given in and not long after that, Kanda and his belongings were inside Ellen's room.

"Then I will be leaving you two alone," Link said before bidding them goodnight and closing the door after himself.

"Put your belongings wherever you want," Ellen said, making a hand motion, first towards the suitcase next to him, then pointing at the various wardrobes. "But do not make any mess. I will not clean after you." She smiled cheekily when he snorted at that. Kanda grabbed his suitcase and just carried it to the next wardrobe, opening it to reveal dresses.

"Where do I sleep?" He wondered after he had just pushed the suitcase into the bottom of the wardrobe without unpacking anything.

"You are free to use our bed, you know?" Ellen replied and sat down on the luxurious bed, shoving the decorative pillows away.

"When you were last chatting with Linali, it didn't appear as if there'd be any space left for me in that bed," Kanda reminded her and Ellen pulled her lips into a cheerful smile, nodding. "So what is it now?"

"If Linali wants to sleep here you just have to make space."

"Tch, in the end you'll have Rabi sleeping in here as well," Kanda warned and Ellen grinned. Kanda certainly didn't like that grin – he was still a little bit sore that Ellen seemed to have a certain interest in Rabi. Ellen saw the little pang of jealousy flicker through Kanda's eyes and lifted her hands

"Do not worry. Family comes before friends," she reassured him. Kanda did seem surprised at first, but then he nodded slowly. Of course he was part of Ellen's family now – and she of his... Maybe Ellen had the same thought because she looked at him calmly, her face still there, inviting him to speak, but Kanda didn't and Ellen didn't take offense.

"Let's sleep," Kanda suggested and Ellen shot up from the bed at once. The young man raised an eyebrow.

"Without dinner?" Kanda rolled his eyes, but he nodded his head towards the door and they went to get a late dinner.

---

Ellen had felt the eyes on her – confused eyes, doubtful eyes, worried eyes. Those eyes that mistrusted, those eyes that so easily judged. They had somehow found their way back to the halls of her home. She felt small despite walking with her head raised and a polite smile on her lips. Small, like she had felt back at the family reunions, back at the occasional party she had visited with her mother. She had been a little pale thing in a frilly dress then, her brown straight hair tied with ribbons, blue eyes always cast to the floor and glued to the tips of the shoes that peeked out from underneath the lavish dresses. Somehow not much had changed. The frills might have disappeared and she no longer was a little girl hanging on to her mother's or Mana's hand, but she did not feel better, she was still the center of attraction, all eyes on her because they all knew that there was something wrong with her.

"A sickly body and now a sickly mind." The voice reached her from behind all the staring eyes. The room was dark, walls made of rough stone but lined with mirrors at regular intervals - mirrors out of which unrecognizable shadows were staring at her. Ellen could only see a faint glimmer of where their eyes were, all focused on her alone. Ellen caught a movement out of the corner of her eyes and turned her head to the side. There was her reflection, but she was moving, walking through the mirrors, her hands casually folded behind her back.

"There's Innocence in you're body... And there's me in your mind." The reflection said, still walking and Ellen kept turning around to follow her movements.

"You are... The 14th, am I right?" Ellen asked carefully and saw a mocking smile form on her reflection's face. But the 14th wasn't looking at her. She still kept her eyes closed, moving without the slightest bit of hurry in her steps, passing the staring shadows. "Do you mean to tell me something?"

"Are you so keen on hearing something?" Ellen narrowed her eyes, clenching her fists at her sides.

"You would not appear if you did not have something to say," Ellen replied and her reflection laughed then finally stopped. The girl turned on her heels and faced Ellen, opening her eyes to haughtily gaze at her.

"I observed your little spat with your dear mysterious husband," the 14th said and Ellen glared at her. "In the end you gave in again, didn't you?" Ellen raised an eyebrow.

"We came to an understanding. There was no point in discussing this further."

"So you make a point, your husband grunts a half hearted apology and you are fine with it? Did talking to him get you any closer to his core? Did you come to understand who Yu Kanda is by talking?" Ellen looked at the reflection with a disgruntled expression. "You are certainly doing a good job at training to be a submissive wife inside your little martial prison. Your family probably greatly approves."

"You are exaggerating! This was no submission and it is NO prison!" Ellen argued, clasping her left hand with her right, the ring warm against her palm. But the 14th recommenced walking, crossing mirror after mirror until she stopped again, her pale skin glowing eerily in the darkness of the world in the mirror.

"I see prison bars where you don't even suspect them," the 14th said and Ellen saw her raising her hand; a golden ring with sparkling diamonds was on her finger. It was not the wedding ring she had received at her marriage, that was for sure. "They are keeping you at bay by keeping you ignorant. Everyone around you does it. Or have you ever heard the full truth about anything? Out of your mother's mouth? Out of Mana's mouth? Out of your husband's mouth?" Ellen was pressing her lips together, silently staring at the girl who was now studying the ring with mock admiration.

"Beautiful, isn't it? That sparkling facade. But poor, poor Ellen. You should know that ignorance can also be a nice constricting cage. You are trapped in it, depending on others to release you, to enlighten you." Ellen flinched as she saw all the eyes of the shadows glow, boring into her. The 14th raised her hands and stepped out of the mirror, pointing at Ellen.

"Poor little immature girl, with the stamp of a woman too soon impressed on you. You know you are not up to it. You know that you are ignorant. You know that you can achieve nothing the way you are now." Ellen took a step back as the 14th approached her, her accusing finger still pointing at Ellen. "And your husband is keeping you in the dark. I am sure his parents would be so proud to know that he had at least married the right girl. They would be thrilled to know what he'd be willing to give up for you when you awaken." Ellen stared at her with wide eyes, not backing away. But the 14th didn't come closer either, simply standing there and looking.

"You know about him, don't you!" Ellen said with an accusing tone.

"There are not many options for someone born in Japan, the land of the Earl. But even as prey, he still has the power to tighten the chains around you for good, should he ever choose to stop running." Ellen just looked at the 14th with a perplexed expression, failing to make any sense of what she had said. "Oh, don't worry that much. When I take over I will clean up that mess," she said with a ominous grin and Ellen widened her eyes, her mouth open in protest.

---

Ellen barely realized that she had woken up from her strange dreams. She was staring into space, her hands tightly clutching the bed sheets. As her mind cleared up the dream started blurring, but there was one thing she remembered well, especially as her eyes fell on the strange hourglass next to the window.

"I told you that eating so much before dinner would give you bad dreams," Kanda told her when Ellen turned her head around. He was sitting on the bed, pulling on his socks. Ellen slowly sat up and tried to loosen up her fingers.

"Kanda..."

"Hn"

"Kanda..." The young man turned around, buttoning up his shirt, to find Ellen looking at him with a troubled expression. "What was life in Japan like?" The question greatly confused Kanda and he searched Ellen's face to some clue as to where the sudden question had come from.

"Why would you-"

"I dreamt... Of the 14th speaking to me," she told him and Kanda widened his eyes in disbelief.

"What did he say to you?" he asked urgently, putting his hands on her shoulders. The look in his eyes almost frightened her, but she also knew that he was also afraid of something, something that had happened in a dream.

„It was just a dream...," Ellen tried to calm her husband and he took his hands from her shoulders.

"Yes... It was just a dream...," he repeated and sat against the headboard, his head hung. He looked tired and troubled for some reason and Ellen moved a bit closer to him.

"The only thing she told me was that there were not many options for someone born in Japan... And she called you a prey..." Ellen avoided adding 'a prey with power over me' because Kanda seemed troubled enough when he turned his head to look at her.

"Yes... I was prey," he told her and Ellen took a sharp breath because somehow she new that finally, finally Kanda was going to reveal part of his past. "But I wasn't always... The Earl has a strange sense of sadistic humor, because a certain part of Japan's population is allowed to lead lives not as prey, but to continue being humans. My family was one of them… But that is no freedom. Any day, the Earl could revoke his decision, any time, the Akuma could come. As a child I didn't see much of that… Until I found Innocence that is… Then I suddenly saw a different side of Japan, a different side of what it means to be human in a world where Akuma reign. Because I suddenly was no longer a real human," he said with a clear voice and Ellen's eyes were widened in shock, "I became prey. And I had to either leave my home or see how they were all slaughtered because of me. What keeps me holding on to my name is the bratty arrogance and pride I had as a child. And my mother who, even though she was always rather vain, had risked everything to get me out of Japan. Of course, I never completely forgot what it was like to be better than ordinary humans just because we had an unstable privilege. And today… well… It's the only name I have." Ellen, still processing what he had told her, covered his hands with hers and looked up at him.

"It is not… Yu… Is that not also your name?" she asked and he looked at her with surprise, but nodded after a while. "Thank you... For telling me this..." He managed a smile and bent down to embrace her. "Yu..."

"Thank you for listening, Ellen."

To be continued

---

Notes:

Feeling cheesy today, aren't you Steffi? ;3

I tried to keep a balance between the ups and downs here but the best was to end the chapter with a reaffirmation of their love for and trust in each other (even though they always need to push each other into the right direction).

Something else: I think I will now start referring to the 14th as "she" because s/he assumes Ellen's appearance in her visions.

Your reviews would probably make me feel less lonely here in this strange, foreign place ;___; So if you have the time to type something I'd appreciate it! :3