Author's Notes:
Ah, slow again...
I have been asked about Ellen's pregnancy. I know it's really hard to keep track of it, but it will be addressed in this chapter! :D But just so that it's clear: she is in her fifth month in this chapter.
Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man belongs to Katsura Hoshino
P.S. Happy First of August (Swiss National Day) to all of you! Even though I might be in England, drink tea and curse the weather, I am still Swiss and dream of the family BBQ and the fireworks! *lol* :D
Kapitel 61: The Price of a Name
A profound silence reigned in the dark corridor. Ellen stood motionless, her eyes fixed on the ground. Even, smooth wooden tiles stretched out from underneath her feet into the darkness behind and in front of her. There was dim light further down and Ellen moved, putting her foot forward. She expected the wooden floor to creak, but it was perfectly silent. She walked on with careful steps and found an opening in the narrow corridor. Thanks to the light she could see that the wall was made of paper screens, something she recognized because she had seen it before at Anita's brothel. She stepped outside and could see a moon-lit garden and a quiet pond. A thin layer of untouched snow covered everything, but Ellen felt no cold.
‟Nice, isn't it?" Ellen gave a start and looked to her left. To her surprise she found herself sitting there, dressed in a red kimono, face white, lips red and long hair falling over the shoulders in waves.
‟Ah...," Ellen started with contempt, narrowing her eyes. ‟Fourteenth..." The Noah smirked up at her and Ellen looked around suspiciously. ‟I am dreaming again..."
‟It isn't exactly a dream, because you know quite well that I am real. A real part of you," the woman said and got up on her feet, studying Ellen with a smile. Ellen took a step backwards, shaking her head.
‟What do you want to tell me?" she asked, ‟why did you chose such a setting?"
‟Because I like to give you glimpses of what is yet to come," the fourteenth replied, crossing her arms in front of her chest, ‟you are my host. I have to take care of you to some extend."
‟Ridiculous," Ellen snorted, looking around the garden, ‟you are hinting at my marriage with Yu again. Why are you so against it?"
‟Who said that I am against it?" the fourteenth asked with a sneer. ‟Maybe there is an advantage in it. Maybe it will gain us an ally. But you know that you are a foolish girl." Ellen glared at her but remained silent. ‟Well. My host being married or even pregnant was not exactly in my plans, but this is something we both have to live with, even though it has the potential to be fatal."
‟It's got nothing to do with you," Ellen countered angrily. Within the blink of an eye, the Noah was standing in front of her, grabbing her face and staring into her eyes.
‟Don't try to fool yourself, Ellen," she whispered and the fingers digging into Ellen's cheeks burned like fire. ‟You can fight me as long as you want, but you will have to realize that sooner or later I will be you and you will be me. We are one entity! If you do not accept that you are a Noah then I will take you over and leave not one tiny spark of Ellen Bermont behind!" Ellen's eyes stung and she could feel tears of pain forming, but she was trying to hold them back, struggling against the Noah's grip on her. The Noah stared into Ellen's eyes for a long moment, not one bit of sarcasm or jest left on her face, but after a while she suddenly let her go. Ellen dropped to her knees, palms of her hands pressed against her burning cheeks. ‟You've got a lovely but naive little husband," the Fourteenth spoke up again after a little while, gazing at the low hanging moon. ‟Naive and dangerous. The silly child still doesn't dare to talk to you about his dirty little secrets. About his family, about his mother."
‟He does talk about his mother," Ellen spoke up, annoyed that the Noah seemed to know all about Kanda, ‟and I don't want you to tell me! I will wait until he is ready to tell me!" The Noah smiled almost gently and kneeled down, patting Ellen's hair.
‟You are such a romantic fool at times. Your sense of obligation to him is almost touching. The golden cage is firm in place. But soon it will be replaced by firm walls." She stood up again and looked around herself. Ellen noticed a golden ring on the Noah's finger. It was nothing like the slender ring she and Yu wore. ‟Remember this place, Ellen. You will see it again before the end of this year.‟ The Noah turned around and walked into the building, leaving Ellen alone in the quiet garden.
-0-0-0-
The screech of seagulls shook Ellen out of her uncomfortable slumber and she turned to face the open window with a groan. Through half-closed eyes she could see white spots gliding through a dirty gray sky. It was still early, shortly after sun-rise, but it was impossible for her to go back to sleep. She remembered her dream very clearly, she could still feel the wooden floor under her feet and the burn of the Noah's touch on her cheeks. She hated talking to the Noah and she hated the feeling that she was coming closer and closer.
‟What's the matter?" Ellen looked to the side and saw that Kanda was sitting up as well.
‟The seagulls woke me," Ellen replied with a forced smile. She did not want to tell him about her talk with the 14th. She did not want to admit at how close she was getting. She did not want to admit that there was such an imminent danger. She did not want him to admit that everything she had said was true.
‟Just close the window if they annoy you," Kanda said, getting up to dress.
‟It is not that easy," Ellen mumbled and Kanda looked at her over his shoulder, but she didn't say anything else.
‟No point in getting upset about it. Let's just get dressed and go out." Ellen sighed deeply but let herself drop back into the covers of the bed. ‟Come on!" The girl showed him a frown, but got up nevertheless.
‟Don't be bossy with me," she complained as she dressed into her uniform, struggling a bit. Kanda just watched her with a calm expression.
‟Seems like we have to cut your breakfast," he said when Ellen flattened the jacked of her uniform.
‟What? No way!"
‟I was joking," Kanda snorted at her reaction and followed Ellen down the stairs to the pub where they ordered an early breakfast. ‟Tell Johnny to take new measurements. You can't keep the same clothes for the next six months."
‟Five months," Ellen corrected.
‟Whatever." Ellen turned her face away from him and Kanda observed the girl eating rather listlessly. He sighed. ‟Sorry." She looked up with a puzzled expression. ‟That I pretend to be so uninterested in your pregnancy." Ellen shrugged.
‟It's not as if I think about it all the time. But I am having a harder time ignoring it," she replied with a snort, patting her belly.
‟I take more notice of the growth of your breasts than of your belly," Kanda said nonchalantly. Of course, Ellen's face went red instantly and she kicked his shin under the table.
‟I am sure the child will be very proud to hear to what kind of things its father pays attention to."
‟If he gets older he will understand," Kanda insisted with a smirk that made Ellen roll her eyes.
‟What makes you so sure of that?" she wanted to know.
‟Boys usually-," Kanda started but Ellen shook her head.
‟What makes you so sure that it's going to be a boy?" Kanda looked at her with a surprised expression, but he snorted and crossed his arms over his chest.
‟I don't care what it is," he says after a while and Ellen had to laugh.
‟But you know it will be a boy."
‟I don't care!" Kanda insisted with red cheeks and Ellen had a hard time stopping her giggling. ‟Tch!"
‟Good morning," Link's calm voice interrupted them. They both looked to the side and saw Link approaching and taking a seat at the table.
‟Good morning!" Ellen greeted with a smile but Kanda just snorted rudely. The young man, for probably the first and only time, was just a tiny bit grateful to Link for interrupting their discussion.
‟When do we have to return to the Black Order?" Ellen wanted to know while Link put some jam on his bread.
‟You can take a walk around the vicinity before leaving," he replied and Ellen nodded eagerly. There was nothing better than more fresh air after all.
-0-0-0-
The strong winds were merciless, but Ellen delighted in every tug and pull, like she delighted in the screech of the seagulls that sounded like merry laughter in her ears and like she delighted in the occasional spray of seawater that was blown inland.
The girl climbed up a hill from where she had a good view of the coast and a pier in the not so far distance even though they still were quite a walk away from the next city. Kanda slowly followed her up while Link stood a few meters down the slope, studying the landscape.
She felt calm gazing towards the horizon and brushing the high grass with her palms.
‟Don't you just love this serenity?" Ellen asked and Kanda shrugged.
‟Every calm place is better than a noisy one," he commented and Ellen had to laugh.
‟I think that our homes will never be silent again," she said, smiling. Kanda looked surprised at that. He studied the girl who had lived most of her own childhood in a house not fit for children, with all the rules and expectations weighing down on her. He assumed he understood her even though he could not exactly relate to her. His home, before he lost it, had been different. But they had a shared new home and whereas it was busy now because of all the other people living inside the castle, home would be busy later because they would not be on their own. They would be three.
Kanda felt nervous about that idea but looking at Ellen, so happy and with all the nasty things pushed to the back of her mind for the moment, he should not worry too much at the moment. They still had time... Time, he guessed, to grow up.
-0-0-0-
They were back to going from mission to mission with almost no time at the Headquarters. Like Link had told her, Ellen was expected to travel so that she could open more gates. While travelling around gave her great joy, continually using the Ark did unsettle her. The White City was perfectly peaceful, but Ellen did not like how she started to feel at home in the Ark. She thought she could hear whispers, she thought she could see somebody move out of the corner of her eye, she jumped at the shadow cast by doves gliding through the sky overhead, her heart beat frantically before she opened new doors. Ellen was really glad that she was never allowed to go in all on her own, as if the company would protect her from the spirit inhabitating the Ark.
It was Bak Chan though that put a stop to the travelling.
‟Whereas many people agree on the fact that this stage of the pregnancy is the perfect time for travelling," he said, holding on fast to Ellen's arm as if she would run off if he didn't, ‟I have to ask you to stop for the moment. For your own safety." Link glared at the man disapprovingly while Kanda didn't say anything at all.
‟Branch leader, if you have a complaint," Link started, but Bak pulled Ellen near him.
‟Indeed I have! But let us discuss this in a more private place," he insisted and Ellen nodded, guiding the man into one of the studies. Kanda followed, as did Link, even though he was a bit angry at not being able to keep up their schedule for the day. They were going to miss their ship like this!
‟Ellen... You must consider your condition more carefully," Bak insisted, making her sit down. She looked at him with slight confusion, but she did not want to contradict him.
‟Branch leader. Don't waste our time. What is this about?" Link urged him and Bak looked at him disapprovingly.
‟Certainly you can spare a bit of your precious time? This is important!" Bak exclaimed and Link didn't argue, even though he seemed annoyed.
‟Bak... I am perfectly healthy. I take good care of me," Ellen told him gently.
‟But you are nearing the end of your fifth month, Ellen. Do you even consider yourself as a pregnant woman?" Ellen was a bit taken aback by that question and did not answer immediately. Bak continued: ‟You should have gained more weight... the baby needs to grow, but it can't do it normally because your body burns a lot of energy. And even more if you are using your Innocence. I am sure the baby is healthy, but don't expose yourself to unnecessary danger."
‟We are exorcists," Kanda reminded the Chinese and Bak lowered his head with a sigh, ‟we do what we can to protect ourselves. No matter the condition of our bodies."
‟All I ask of you is to keep close to the order. There are many dangers out there in the world that are not connected to the Earl, illnesses for example. You don't want to lose your child or your life because you went to a dangerous area unprepared?"
‟We are not unprepared," Link argued, but Ellen agreed with Bak.
‟Surely we can wait a bit longer?" she asked. ‟I understand that the Ark saves time and that it requires me to open gates all over the world. But the Black Order has worked without this convenience before. And before long I will be an insufferable travel companion for sure," she said half jokingly. Link showed her a disgruntled look, but he nodded and left the room to forward this decision to Central. Ellen sighed when he was gone.
‟I actually welcome any kind of excuse to no longer spend weeks trapped on the ocean," she said.
‟My concerns are real though, not just an excuse," Bak told her and reached out his hand to pull her to her feet. ‟Look at yourself. Where have you hidden that baby?" Ellen had to laugh and took off the jacked of the uniform. With it she looked more like a boy because it was cut like a man's jacket, neither showing her chest nor her usually slim waist. With just the shirt underneath Bak could see that her stomach was not as flat as it used to be, but he would have expected a woman five months pregnant to be bigger.
‟I have told her again and again to get herself a better uniform, one that she doesn't have to change every week because she has trouble buttoning up her trousers," Kanda complained. Ellen rolled her eyes. ‟General Tiedoll helped design a better uniform and you still won't consent to have it changed!" Bak darted a confused look to Ellen and then Kanda.
‟What is this all about?" he wondered, but the couple was too occupied glaring at each other and Bak gave up on getting an answer. Apparently they argued about this topic with gusto.
‟Well you two. At least come visit me every now and again. And don't forget to have the matron check up on you regularly." Ellen turned away from Kanda to look at Bak.
‟Thank you, Bak," she told him with a smile. He returned it and left the two, who continued to argue about the uniform.
-0-0-0-
Ellen spent as much time as possible with her friends. She needed to be busy even at headquarters, because if she got a moment to herself, she would be left to her own thoughts. If her friends were not there and the day was particularly void of any special event (while Ellen even considered a spar with Kanda or a bath with the girls an event now) all she was left to do was ponder. And wait.
It was one of these early evenings, with Ellen sitting at her writing table, gazing out of the window, where she was once again tired of waiting. Link was there, as always, but both of them were fine with just doing their own things, there was no need to talk. Pondering and thinking. The young woman could even disregard the shadow of the 14th moving about the window panes it having become such a constant companion.
‟Dull," she thought with a suppressed sigh. No mission, no friends about, no husband and absolutely nothing to do. At times like these Ellen wondered if it was a pregnant woman's fate to just wait. Or was it any woman's fate to just wait for someone else to do something which required some kind of reaction?
‟Link, when you look at me, what do you see?" she asked rather abruptly, still staring out of the window. Link looked up from his book, frowning.
‟I beg you pardon?" Ellen leant back in her chair, sighing. ‟What do you mean?"
‟I still find it hard to figure out what exactly I am supposed to be now. An exorcist? A heiress? A wife?" She was fumbling with the pearls of her bracelet, still looking outside, as if there would be something to see. And indeed there was. ‟Or a Noah?"
‟As far as the order is concerned you are an exorcist. But also a tolerated Noah."
‟An exorcist with Noah genes or a Noah with Innocence?" Ellen asked with a grim smile, finally looking away from the window to study Link. ‟Oh, no need to answer that," Ellen continued when the young man opened his mouth to speak. The inspector shook his head and closed his book.
‟I cannot tell you. It is your future actions which will determine what the answer is to be." Ellen snorted disapprovingly, but made no comment. ‟For your work as an exorcists nothing else is important. Your husband holds no power over you in the order. The fact that you are with child does not release you from your duties. But why do you even ask? Do you not have your own answer to this question?" Ellen put her chin on the palm of her hand, leaning over the writing table and gazing at Link.
‟Sometimes I am not quite sure if this is real," she said, pointing her free hand to her middle, ‟and nobody gives it much thought." Link looked at her; she wore a dress that would not let anybody assume that she was indeed pregnant. He did understand why she was thinking about it.
‟Rest assured that people do think about it," Link said but this earned him a doubtful expression from Ellen.
‟You do know that this does not sound promising at all," she told him. But she could imagine that there might be some 'scientific' interest in her pregnancy. Nothing she wanted to think about though...
‟I can guess," Link added to that, but did not go into any further details about what the higher ups in the Black Order or Central might be thinking about.
The silence between them only lasted for a short while because Kanda came into the room rather loudly, banging the door against the wall.
‟Oh my goodness!" Ellen shouted, springing to her feet in alarm, ‟what is the matter?" Kanda's face was rather dark, his eyebrows drawn down into a frown.
‟Your mother wishes to see you." Ellen's heart skipped a beat and she almost sat down again.
‟Mother? Why is she here?"
‟'Because this is my house'," Kanda mimicked what his mother-in-law had told him only minutes ago. Ellen groaned and put her hand over her face.
‟You should not keep her waiting," Link suggested, ‟I will stay here. Don't be long." Ellen sighed but made sure her dress and hair were presentable and then followed Kanda out of the room to the newer mansion next to the castle.
-0-0-0-
Her mother sat in her armchair behind her desk. Her features were all calm, but concentrated, cool even, entirely different than the expression of distraction and confusion Ellen had last seen her mother wear. But recalling their last meeting, Ellen gave an involuntary shudder. She just hoped her mother would not address the topic. She did not know how to deal with Kanda's reaction should it become known who her suitor was.
However, Charlene Bermont had come with the wish to discuss a different matter today.
‟Good evening, daughter," she said and pointed her hand to the armchair opposite her.
‟Good evening to you too, mother," Ellen replied uncertainly, but she didn't want to appear meek and uncertain now. Kanda, although he had not been offered a seat, sat down on the other free armchair next to Ellen's. Charlene did not comment it – she tolerated Kanda's presence, but she didn't approve of it under normal circumstances.
‟How is your health?" Charlene wanted to know. Before Ellen could answer the door opened and a timid Crowley came into the room, carrying a tray with a tea pot, cups and biscuits.
‟I hope it is to your liking, Lady Bermont," he said, putting the tray down. Charlene patted his hand.
‟Thank you so much, Baron Crowley." He nodded a few times, then he left again, red spots of joy on his pale face.
‟Mother, do not make my friends your servants," Ellen hissed when he had left the room. Charlene poured the tea calmly, but then she looked at Ellen with a sharp expression.
‟I am not. He offered his service as Baron Crowley to our family. Accept it, Ellen." The girl rolled her eyes and shook her head in disbelief.
‟He is my friend."
‟Well done, Ellen," Charlene commented dryly, ‟what about your state of health?"
‟I am fine, thank you," Ellen replied in the same dry, disinterested fashion, trying to annoy her mother. Charlene had become used to having an adolescent as her child though and ignored the defiant tone.
‟Very well, it will not be too long until your child is born. Feel free to consult your mother on any topics about it," she offered and Ellen nodded her head, but didn't feel like talking about it.
‟Is this why you have come here? To offer me your advice?" Ellen wondered, watching her mother drinking her tea.
‟No," Charlene said and fixed her eyes on Kanda. Confused, Ellen turned to her side as well, looking at her husband.
‟Is it that deal you spoke about?" Kanda asked and Charlene nodded. ‟Well, what is it about?" he asked as politely as his impatience allowed. Charlene put down the tea cup.
‟You know, Mr. Kanda, that you should legally become the new head of the Bermont family. As you might now, having a Japanese head of family, even though he might have European blood in his veins, is not really desirable for us. This is not to discredit your merit as a person though, maybe you are perfectly capable of managing the family." Kanda remained silent, waiting for her to get to the point. ‟What I want you to understand, if you have not already, is that keeping face is essential in English upper-class societies."
‟I have understood that very early on, Lady Bermont," the young man answered flatly while Ellen turned her eyes up to the ceiling sighing silently. ‟Please, what do you want me to do?"
‟To consent that your son will be the head of the house in the future instead of you."
‟What?" Ellen asked in surprise while Kanda looked at his mother-in-law with confusion.
‟If," Charlene continued, ‟Ellen will give birth to a male heir I wish him to be the next head of house. Are there generally any objections to this from either of you?"
‟I do not want to represent the Bermont family. So no, I am fine with that. If Ellen cannot be the head of the house, then her son should," Kanda said, not really caring about a title. Ellen was a bit skeptical though.
‟There is more to this, mother...," Ellen said and Charlene looked at her.
‟Yes. If you give birth to a boy, then I want you to let me adopt him." Kanda widened his eyes, not saying anything.
‟Adopt him? So you want to pretend that Yu is not part of the family?"
‟No, not quite. Neither the Walker nor the Bermont family knows about your marriage, but I am sure there will be rumours. There are bound to be and I want to turn them away from you. What do you say?" Charlene looked at both of them, waiting for an answer. After a moment Kanda leant back in his chair, studying Charlene.
‟Fine. I consent." Ellen turned towards him, surprised. ‟But what if Ellen gives birth to a girl?"
‟Then we will see what time will make of you two and your small family. I will of course support you, whatever happens." Ellen shook her head in disbelief, but she actually thought that this was not that bad a way to go about it. She did not really lose any claim on her children, it was just the name that would be different. Bermont, and not Kanda. Another small lie.
‟So we are in agreement?" Charlene asked after a while, getting up on her feet. She held out her hand to Kanda and he got up as well.
‟We are in agreement," he said and shook Charlene's hand, slightly surprised at the firm grip she had on his hand.
‟Good." She sat back down again and fell into silence. Kanda wanted to leave but Ellen was still glued to her seat, staring into her tea cup. It was still warm, it had only taken a short while to decide upon the fate of a yet unborn child. Ellen did not know how that would influence her, or Kanda later on.
‟Won't you come?" Kanda asked her after a while and Ellen shook her head. ‟I will wait for you outside." Ellen didn't say anything, so Kanda left after wishing Charlene a good evening.
‟What is it, Ellen?" Charlene wanted to know, ‟do you have doubts about it?"
‟Of course I do. I do not mind you adopting my children, because I do not really care that much at this point." Charlene raised her eyebrow at that, but didn't comment it. ‟But I kept on thinking that you still hope for me and Yu to separate..."
‟Oh? Why?"
‟Mother, please. I am no idiot. You said that if I give birth to a girl you just wait and see? That seems as if you think Yu can take the girl and disappear out of our lives. As if you expect that giving birth to a girl will not have any effect on me or him or the family at all."
‟You know that he cannot just take away your children," Charlene told her, but Ellen's grim expression did not change. Her mother sighed. ‟There will come one day when you will have to make your marriage public. I just want you to be absolutely sure about the relationship before you do. You are young, your emotions can change. It is necessity that brought you together in marriage, even you will not deny this. It should not be necessity that keeps you together. If you do really choose him over some better fitting match then what can a mother do but wish you the best?" Ellen lowered her eyes and sighed. ‟People can make bad decisions," Charlene said after a while and when Ellen looked up she saw that her mother's eyes were looking out of the window. ‟If we cannot undo them no matter how hard we wish to, then we might have to lead a life regretting them, concealing them... Or to confront them and live with them and make the best of it."
‟What are you talking about, mother?" Ellen wondered, but her mother shook her head.
‟Ah, just talking to myself...," she said and looked at the girl. ‟Should you not join Mr. Kanda, he has been waiting." Ellen nodded and got up to leave.
‟Well mother. If you ask me," she said and Charlene looked at her, ‟it is more desirable to make the best of whatever decisions you've made in the past. Good can come out of it." Charlene smiled and nodded.
Ellen made a curtsey and left the room, leaving her mother to her own thoughts.
-0-0-0-
Kanda was waiting for her outside the mansion, looking into the flower garden between the new mansion and the old castle.
‟Do you think I made a bad decision?" Kanda wondered when Ellen joined him, slipping her hand into his.
‟I do not know... It seems like the easy way out." Kanda looked at her, frowning.
‟Because we wash our hands off the child? We will still be parents, even if your mother adopts him..." Ellen sighed. ‟I thought that a nanny would raise him anyway."
‟It does seem like I just hand over the responsibility to my mother... But right now I do not even want to think about being a mother. What if I will miss it though? For me it does not make much of a difference, but you will find it harder to lay your claim on the child." Kanda shrugged.
‟I cannot really say... I thought it was a deal I had to accept..." Ellen sighed and shook her head.
‟Oh I do not know..." Kanda remained silent for a while.
‟I think the boy will be happier as a Bermont, than as a Kanda. Less trouble." Ellen had to laugh at that at first, but then she became thoughtful, looking at her husband.
‟What is more troublesome than a family that only cares about appearances?"
‟A family of cowards," Kanda said and tugged at Ellen's hand, bringing her closer to him. He looked down into her worried eyes and smiled after a while. ‟Apart from that, I think having an English name in an English society is far easier."
‟Unlucky me," Ellen joked and Kanda pressed a kiss on her forehead.
‟Yes. Unlucky you."
To be continued
Note:
The 'name' in the chapter title refers to the family name and how much one has to 'pay' to keep that name clear. As keeping up appearances and family are main themes in the story (and will still be later on, because we still don't know much about the other part of Ellen's family) I assume it would be a fitting chapter title. More to come on that.
I'm trying to move ahead a bit faster I hope to write the Phantom Thief G ark next, which will be the last ark adopted from the manga. But, ah, the horror! Battle scenes...!
See you next chapter! :3