Zoe often found herself wandering the ship. Mal was checking the helm, Jayne was in his bunk, Kaylee was tinkering with the mule down in the cargo bay while River chattered away to her like a little bird, and judging by the delicious smell coming out of the galley Simon was successfully cooking his apology meal for Kaylee.
She smiled, remembering the rare times she cooked for Wash. Wife soup. She missed him most on days like this. When the crew were taking their ease as they floated through space, those were the moments that she and Wash enjoyed each other's company the most. She could lose herself in frenetic activity when there was work to be done, but seeing as how Mal had done all the work possible to be done in his effort to keep his mind off Inara, it left her with too much time to think on Wash. And to think on what Wash was going to miss out on. What he should have been here for.
As she entered the galley she felt her heart squeeze just a bit tighter. Simon had set the table for two, and even dug out some old candles which were casting a soft glimmery light over the table. Wash and she had once shared candlelit dinners. Never on Serenity, but once or twice he'd taken her out for a real date, and oh-
She sat down heavily in Wash's chair. The chair left so carefully empty when the crew ate together. The chair no one looked at. The chair that was silent in a way Wash never was. Her eyes were dripping tears down her face, and suddenly a small noise caught her attention.
Simon was staring at her, concern etched into his features. She wiped the tears away and spoke, "Smell's real good Doc." Simon nodded at her, and sat stiffly next to her.
"I'm- well-I'm really sorry about Wash. He was a good man, a great man. I'm sorry we lost him, that, that you lost him. I'm just, I, I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry. If it wasn't for me and River he'd still be here, and I, I'm sorry." He stammered out more to the table than to her.
It was as good a time as any she supposed. She'd been meaning to ask him for weeks, but just couldn't bear to hear the news without Wash by her side, or see the compassion in Simon's eyes when he told her, but since she'd already cried in front of him once today, might as well forge onward. She was shocked at the quaver in her voice when she spoke, "Think you could check somethin' for me?"
She didn't turn to see Simon's face, but he gently agreed, and led the way to the infirmary.
The first time he'd been asked for a pregnancy test he'd been a new intern at the hospital in Capitol city. The girl had been about thirteen and scared out of her wits, her voice had trembled as she'd asked, and watching the hope in her eyes die as he gave her the results had been one of the harder things he'd had to do. It was always easier to give the patient news they wanted to hear, to be the source of joy and hope. No matter how many times he gave bad news it never got any easier.
The last thing he wanted to see was the tiny glimmer of hope in Zoe's eyes disappear. He had a feeling this probable pregnancy was the only thing holding her together right now. So, no matter how much the idea of a pregnancy, delivery, and newborn aboard Serenity seemed like a bad idea to him he had never wanted a pregnancy test to turn positive more. Except, for maybe the eventual day it would be Kaylee smiling as she buoyantly waited for him to give her the joyous results. If there was anything in all of this he was glad of it was her, even if she wasn't speaking to him at the moment.
As the final seconds ticked away on his watch he said a silent prayer more out of habit than faith, and as the screen notified him that the results were ready he took a deep breath before he opened them. Thank Buddha. Positive.
Smiling he turned to Zoe, "Looks like you'll be having a baby in about eight months." She looked happier than he'd seen her in a long while, he'd almost forgotten what a happy Zoe looked like. "I'll need to see you again in a month to make sure everything is on track." She nodded, her happiness now tinged with a bit of apprehension. Simon continued, not wanting her to be worried, "Not that I think it won't be, I mean, you're healthy and fit, I'm sure everything will be fine."
She smiled as she made to leave the infirmary, "Sounds fine Doc." He nodded to her as she left, feeling overwhelmed. He had done just a few weeks in Maternity when he'd been an intern, and only one birth, Petaline's, as the primary . He had no idea how to go about providing proper prenatal care. Well, just one more thing to research. At least this research would actually go somewhere, unlike his fruitless searching on River's condition. He pulled out his cortex and began reading; the dinner he had planned for Kaylee far from his mind as he lost himself in medical jargon and began to feel a faint sense of excitement.
It smelled good, like the food they used to have at home. Not home. Here was home. A flying house. River wanted to laugh at the idea of an estate like the Tam's sprouting wings and flying through space. The table was rough hewn, the chairs didn't match. The candles were at odd lengths and made from cast off wax in mis matching colours. Mother would never have let any of this into the Tam estate.
Especially not the hulk of a man currently snitching food. Jayne was hastily slurping from a bowl, so thoroughly enjoying his food he didn't hear her approach. She simply reached over his shoulder and snatched the bowl. He quickly turned and glared at her. The special curled lip glare he reserved only for River and Simon. Crazy and sissy.
He held out his hand, but she quickly shifted the bowl behind her and spoke. "Tired, overloaded, won't run fast. Needs more fuel." It didn't come out quite like she'd planned, and Jayne rolled his eyes then made a quick grab for the bowl. It was simple to outmanoeuvre him, and fun. "Not yours, not yours." She practically sang, but the look in his eye when he next spoke stopped her cold.
"Ya see anyone else in 'ere moonshine?" He'd always disliked her, but after the Maidenhead incident, and then the can dropping incident, and then all that followed, well. Now his dislike was bordering on something else. Something she couldn't quite put her finger on, but knowing Jayne it was likely to be dangerous.
"Here, but not here. Waiting" She started to explain, but it didn't come out right. Jayne snorted and replied more to the walls than to her, "can't never get a straight answer." Before she could stop herself the words just spilled out, "frustrated, mad, no time for whores, gotta lift off this rock."
Jayne glared at her venomously, "Ya watch yer tongue or I'll cut it out fer ya ta look at." And with that he stalked out of the galley. Each time his boots hit the floor the sound thunderously impaled her chest. She knew she shouldn't listen to other people's thoughts, but sometimes when she was frustrated she couldn't help it. It was so much easier than waiting for spoken words. She set the bowl on the table, and laid her arm and head next to it with a heavy sigh.
If Jayne was a thunder cloud then Kaylee was sunshine. As she entered the galley she smiled at the lovely aroma, River smiled up at her. "For you. Left it."
Kaylee didn't understand, so River tried again, "Made it for you, felt bad, didn't mean to." It still didn't come out right. Kaylee settled in to eat, reaching out and squeezing River's hand as she did. "Oh honey don't feel bad." River smiled, maybe she could try one more time to explain.
But then Mal came tromping into the galley. Seeing his pilot and mechanic apparently at their ease he spoke harshly. "Ain't'cha supposed ta be somewhere? can't leave this gorram rock wi'out –" he quickly looked repentant at Kaylee's startled eyes, but plowed on anyway. "Well?"
Kaylee glared at him, and still upset over Simon and missing Inara she stormed to the engine room. Mal quickly turned his attention to River. "Well?"
"Waiting for spring." She replied. Mal sighed, this time speaking kindlier to her, "Ain't no seasons on a spaceship darlin'"
River shook her head. It just didn't ever come out right. "No, no seasons. Waiting, waiting for the sun to come out and warm her." At that Mal sighed and gently replied, "Ain't we all." He then awkwardly patted her shoulder, and clearly concluding she was 'too crazy to fly' headed up to the bridge, leaving her at the table.
River sighed as she traced patterns in the wood. It never came out quite as she meant it
The week couldn't be over soon enough. Mal was anxious to get Inara back on the ship. For River's sake, and Kaylee's. And Zoe's and Jayne's. And even Simon's.
Kaylee and the Doc were still not on speaking terms, which to his mind was a blessing, since Simon therefore couldn't piss her off any worse. Course it also meant his bunk was back to being nice and quiet, but that wasn't a blessing. The silence left far too much room for thinking and made his excuses for wandering the boat wear rather thin.
Didn't help none that River was currently undergoing a bit of a crazy spell. Meant he'd had to spend far too much time up at the helm with nothing to do but look over the cortex and think. Too many places for his thoughts to stray. Serenity Valley. Zoe. Wash. Book. Tracey. And Inara. His mind always came back to Inara, ever since... Well ever since she'd told him he wanted her on his ship all those months ago.
There was one bright spot in all of this though, the drop off had gone surprising well, thanks to the surprising intervention of a surprising person. Simon embracing a life of crime was strangely settling. Made Mal almost hope a certain other corebred person might someday be willing to do the same. Hell, he'd settle for no longer distancing herself from it, he wasn't about to get greedy.
Hadn't slipped his notice that all Inara's answers were non answers. He sighed. The woman tied him up in knots. She'd slotted into their chore rotation, helped Simon with River and made up a passenger dorm into a home for herself. But still she'd distanced herself, as if, well as if she weren't sure if she belonged. She didn't. He knew it. But he still wanted, well, what he hadn't wanted since before the war.
He found himself aching for just her. Her by his side. Her smile at his jokes. Her sigh at his stupidity. Her anger, her laughter. Dare he say it, her love. It startled him more than a little, to feel again when he'd been numb for so long, and it was more than a might unsettling.
There were three more days out, and if River didn't sane up it was going to be a long three days. No wonder Wash played with dinosaurs.
"Alone, alone, all, all alone. Alone in a wide wide verse. The many men, and they all dead lie." River's voice intoned flatly. Girl could be down right creepifying when she wanted to be. He didn't blame Jayne in the least for hiding in his bunk. When River wasn't all there in the brainpan it tended to put them all on edge. Hell he'd be in his bunk if he weren't busy doing captainy things.
She settled into the copilot's chair and stared dreamily at the stars as they slid on by. Usually he could work out what she was trying to say, and since the whole debacle on Mr Universe's moon she'd seemed to be getting better, but once Inara stepped off ship so had River's clarity.
At least she combed her hair now. He turned and spoke gently, "That right?" Generally if he were confused she'd try again. She smiled, quoting him "Yes, I know a poem, try not to faint."
Huh. "Can repeat the past too now?" That was downright shuddersome, having his own words thrown back to him when she hadn't even been there when he'd said them. She smiled at him. Her eyes looked clear, and if he wasn't mistaken a bit frustrated.
"Yes. So can you." And with a twitch to her jaw she turned and stared back at the stars leaving him to chew on her words. Well, a River mystery was a much better way to spend whiling hours away on the bridge than thinking on what had been and trying not to think about what might be. He was fair sure he'd figure it out in two and half days ride, no wait, make that a fifty nine hour ride.
It didn't look half bad. She'd spent the better part of six days on it, but without a mattress it just looked like a big counter. Or shelf. Or somethin'. Not quite what she'd had in mind when she'd started. She was fair sure that Simon had attempted to cook her a romantic dinner a few days back, and since neither of them were that great with words she'd decided to attempt her own romantic gesture by widening her bed.
She turned to the sound of her hatch opening to see Simon making his way down, looking repentant and hesitant. She smiled, "Was hopin' ya'd stay away fer a bit longer." Simon looked at her, confusion in his eyes as he spoke haltingly, "I can go-"
She shook her head as she interrupted him, "I'm almos' finished." She said gesturing to the bed, "Look, we can pull it out, make the bed bigger." Almost before she finished speaking he pulled her in close to him, an uncertain smile on his face.
"I'm sorry about what I said before, I just, I just want to keep you away from all of that. To keep you the way you are." He mumbled into her hair. She pulled back a little from him, "Ya know how I found my way onta Serenity doncha?" He nodded, confusion back on his features.
"Then ya should know, I ain't all sheltered or anything, I know what trainin' houses are for."
"It's not that, it's, it's the falsity of it. You're not, you're not like that." She couldn't help it, she could feel her heart plummeting to her feet as he spoke. It was as if he were confirming her fears, she wasn't well mannered, she wasn't refined, she wasn-"You're beautifu, but not because someone taught you exactly how to ply yourself. You just are."
She couldn't help it, at his words tears sprang to her eyes and she smiled up at him, "Aw, now that was real pretty." He smiled back at her, "You think so? I've been practicing ever since, well, since we last spoke."
Kaylee felt her heart wrench, even though he was in a joking mood they could have spent the last six days sexin' instead of sleepin' in separate parts of the ship. She started to apologize, "Sorry 'bout that, 'm not real good at talkin'." Simon smiled at her as he stroked her cheek gently, "me either."
He pulled her in close and again spoke into her hair, "You're beautiful Kaylee. Maybe you're not core elegant or decked out in finery, but you're beautiful. I wouldn't want you dressed up all fancy, wearing so much makeup I couldn't even see you."
Kaylee smiled, it was sweet how he was too embarrassed to face her, and spoke into his neck her ownself, "That's the shiniest thing anyone's ever said ta me." In return Simon placed a few kisses along her collarbone, then smiled up at her as he drily stated, "glad to know I'm getting better at it."
She playfully smacked him on the arm, only to realize she was still wearing heavy welding gloves. She felt the blush creep over her face, but Simon only smiled wider and pulled her in close for serious kissing.
Considering the sounds emanating from Kaylee's bunk it sounded like the two of them had made up, and while Simon annoyed him to no end and the thought of little Kaylee doing that sent shudders down his spine he was glad of it. Just like Simon's intervention at the drop off the idea of the two of them together gave him hope for his ownself. If Simon could fix his foot in mouth syndrome and adapt to life in space then maybe, maybe it might be worth it to be truthsome with Inara.
Well he'd find out in just a matter of hours now, they'd be kissing dirt in just under forty hours, and the idea of Inara set butterflies to dancing in his stomach and his palms to tingling. The idea of being truthsome, of making something of the two of them, he hadn't felt this nervous since asking Millie to dance at the barn raising almost fifteen years ago when he was just a schoolboy.
Course he couldn't be sure about Inara. Woman could lie better than, well better than most, but he was fair certain she meant to return. Couldn't be sure though. Her companion training made her slippery, as slick as the silks she liked to wear. Still, would be nice to have her back on board. Zoe had retreated back into herself a day or so after Inara had left, River had become far less decipherable, and he had a feeling that Inara would have helped Kaylee and Simon smooth things over within hours of their little spat instead of nigh on a week after. She might not belong, but she sure as hell left a hole when she wasn't there-and wasn't that the definition of belonging?