Author's Notes:

Sorry for the rather long absence, I assume that you probably got used to my faster updates! I've lost a lot of sleep over conventions, cosplay and the start of the next semester of university. And under constant pressure I don't really feel like writing… I've hit a slump while I was about 4000 words into the chapter and it took me eternities to figure out how to go on with a decent pacing. Not planning ahead more than general events be damned!

In any case, I'm very glad that there seemed to be no disappointment about the Kanda couple's first-born! Now that she's here the story has reached its next stage! I hope you don't expect the story to end with her birth and that you are prepared for some domestic stuff before we enter the next arc .

I meant to use this title last chapter, but found it more fitting for this chapter's content. I've been meaning to use it since hearing it in a lecture some semesters ago. Funny that I remember the term but can't recall what the lecture was about.

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man belongs to Katsura Hoshino

Kapitel 70: Liminality

The light flickered and the shadows extended. The room was oddly quiet, its colours as if drained by the dark and restless grey of the outside.

Ellen watched the ceiling, its striking white matching the many pillows that framed her vision. The cushions had long ceased to be comfortable and sleep was as far from her mind as possible. There were noises around her, hushed, followed by a sudden burst of loudness only to revert back to whispers. The rain was still beating hard against the windows, knocking, wanting in.

Ellen wanted out.

"The storm is pretty bad," Linali whispered next to her and she felt her hand being squeezed. Linali's palm was damp and Ellen could see the worry in her eyes once she turned her head to look at her friend. The girl was scared, probably as scared as Ellen had been before a strange calm had taken hold of her. There was a sudden burst of wind that forced the windows open and Linali jumped up at once to close them. Ellen could hear the crash of thunder, but this did not concern her. Summer storms were nothing out of the ordinary at Bermont Castle. But this situation right now, this battle she found herself in…

"Do you still like summer storms?" Ellen turned her head to the side where Linali had sat. The girl had not yet returned to her seat and Ellen could hear her voice coming from the other side of the room. Hushed as always so Ellen couldn't make out the words. But her attention was focused on the empty chair. Kanda had sat there not too long ago. Or had it been long ago…? Time was passing, Ellen assumed, but it was just all a long-drawn blur of pain, bleached colours and hushed voices to her.

"Why is this happening?" Ellen whispered. A hand was put on her arm.

"Ellen… Do you need anything? Water perhaps?" It was Linali now, but Ellen still stared at the seat. "Ellen?"

"Oh, do you want me to explain meteorological phenomena now?" Ellen could see the Noah in the reflection of a mirror standing against the wall. She was sitting on the reflection of the chair before her bed, still wearing the exorcist uniform. Ellen could almost really see her sitting right in front of her. Almost within reach, but still separated by a mirror surface and Ellen's refusal to let her become real. Ellen opened her mouth to reply, but the Noah lifted her finger. "And lightning strikes." Ellen gasped at the new wave of pain and she tensed immediately, her fingers digging into her pillow as she turned her face into it. Faintly, she could hear Linali shouting and feel the soothing hands of the matron on her upper arms, but the only thing that was real, incredibly real, sharp and in vibrant colours, was not this – not this crucial long moment of giving birth to a child, no. It was the golden eyes staring into her own and the black crosses marring a forehead and the emblem on the exorcist uniform glittering under the flickering light.

-o-

Ellen glared at the woman standing in front of her, not taking notice of how the world around her shifted. The Noah lifted a hand to her face, feigning worry.

"Oh? Slipping out of consciousness at such a crucial moment?" she asked, but laughter followed right away as she turned around, taking in the place they were in. Ellen too took a moment to study her surroundings. It seemed to be the ruins of something, maybe a church. It looked ancient, with etchings on the crumbled walls and once beautiful statues smashed into many pieces. But everything was white, totally bleached of its colours and overhead she could see a stormy sky tinted red. She herself was fixed to the spot, tight ropes binding her to the floor, restraining her Innocence arm.

"What is going on?" Ellen demanded and the Noah walked up to her, studying the bonds with an untroubled expression on her face. But she was not grinning.

"The Innocence does not want to let go. It has to shift and find a new hold on you when your baby leaves your body. If you do not pay attention, if you become too weak, then you'll just be its puppet." Ellen frowned at that, tugging at her arm. The pain from being in labour was dull, somewhat diluted, but there was a new pain, a sharper pain that burnt in her left arm, in her right side and in her heart.

"I don't want to be anybody's puppet! I don't want to fade away!" Ellen hissed and the corner of the Noah's mouth pulled up into an amused grin.

"That's not my intention either. All I want is for you to combine with me. I want you to awaken completely. Take my power! If you accept it you will be far stronger! No more worries about the Innocence taking over you! No more worries about you not being strong enough to defeat Akuma!" Ellen struggled against the restraints, struggled against the increasing pain.

"I am an exorcist!" Ellen shouted, both in frustration, fear and pain. "God!" The world was starting to vibrate, to shake and to fade, the sky becoming darker. The Noah merely watched Ellen.

"Is that really who you want to be?" Ellen heard the Noah ask, but then she woke up to the matron gripping her arms tightly, while another nurse wiped her face with a cool cloth.

"Are you conscious, Ellen?" The girl merely squeezed her eyes shut again, her head spinning, but then she nodded. "Good, because we don't want to do this without you." The matron gave her hand an encouraging squeeze and when Ellen opened her eyes again she could see the matron smiling at her. "This won't be long." Ellen turned her head to the side; the world outside was already getting brighter. "Soon, you'll be a mother."

Ellen could just recall the Noah's last words, oddly fitting for what crossed her mind just then: "Is that really who you want to be?"

-o-

When Ellen woke up to the bright light of a new day the weight of the knowledge that something had irrevocably been changed in her life pressed down on her chest. A sudden fear made her body tense and her eyes shut on the infirmary room. The entire universe might as well be crashing onto her right now, with the sudden suffocating heaviness she felt in her heart. She clenched her hands into fists and took a few deep and calming breaths.

"Ah, she's awake," Ellen could hear the matron say gently. Ellen sighed. She had hoped that she would be given a few more moments to herself, to gather her thoughts, to face this new day. Ellen opened her eyes and put a smile on her lips when she looked up at the matron. The woman smiled as well and reached down to feel her pulse. "And not a moment too late it seems." Ellen pressed her lips together when she became aware of the soft sounds coming from next to her bed; first little whines of displeasure, then a few hiccupping sounds before the room was filled by the sound of a baby crying. "She probably is hungry." The matron chuckled lightly when she noticed Ellen's wide eyed expression.

"But I'm… I don't know…," the girl stammered, but the nurse cut her short:

"I'm sorry Ellen, but we don't have the luxury of a wet nurse in our service… You have to do it on your own." The matron lifted the baby out of the crib, her wails dying down just slightly. Ellen sat up reluctantly and the matron placed the warm weight into Ellen's arms. Ellen stared at the baby for some time; her face was red from crying, her black hair tousled and her little fingers formed fists sticking up into the air. Ellen felt at a loss, staring at the child, her ears ringing from the now loud crying. Tears formed in her own eyes, but then the matron put a warm hand on her shoulder and helped her take off the blouse.

"Take your time," the woman said softly and helped Ellen lift the baby to her breasts. The little girl pressed her hands into Ellen's chest and Ellen winced when she felt the warm little mouth on her skin. "I… It's rather uncomfortable… It hurts…" The white haired girl said, looking up at the matron with pleading eyes.

"Don't worry. You're doing fine." Ellen didn't dare to contradict her.

-o-

Kanda shot up and looked around slightly at a loss. The blinds of the windows were drawn, but he could nevertheless see shelves full of newspapers, heaps of letters bound with string and towers of books. He had fallen asleep in Rabi's room. After showing off his pretty baby girl, Rabi had decided that a celebration was in order. Kanda was reluctant to part with the squirming girl, but the Matron had only allowed a few short moments anyway. Kanda remembered nothing of the things they had spoken about, but he remembered the handshakes, the hugs. However, it had been a long night for Kanda, so he had fallen asleep soon after sipping a bit of wine. Kanda rubbed his face. Rabi was still sleeping, sitting in his chair, head on the table. Even though it looked rather uncomfortable, Kanda decided not to wake him. He wanted to go see his wife and daughter as fast as possible. He had to make sure that he hadn't been dreaming and that both of them were alive and well. After a short visit to the communal bath, he was already in front of the infirmary room Ellen was in, knocking on the door. It opened after a short while, the matron welcoming him in with a smile. How surprising, so see her greet a visitor this warmly.

"The ladies are all yours," the matron said and excused herself, leaving the room. Kanda's heart was pounding again from nervousness and he looked around. The windows were wide open, the curtains fluttering in the wind. The air smelt fresh and invigorating of wet earth and rain. It sobered him up enough to turn his attention to his wife; Ellen was still lying in bed, looking at the window. She lifted her head when Kanda walked up to the bed. He smiled at her and bent down to kiss her.

"Good morning. How do you feel?"

"Tired," she confessed and folded her hands on top of her chest. "Strange," she went on and Kanda drew his hand through her hair gently.

"I'm glad that you're okay… You scared me quite a bit…," he told her and Ellen sighed, leaning back into the pillow, but turning her head to face Kanda.

"I'm still me…," she said and Kanda nodded, then he turned around, missing her small "I believe…" He got off the bed and bent over the crib, looking down.

"She's asleep," Ellen informed him and Kanda noticed how tired Ellen's voice sounded. "Please don't wake her." The girl rubbed her forehead and sighed when Kanda sat down on the bed again, next to her.

"Are you okay?" he asked, this time slightly worried. When she didn't reply he hugged the girl. He was a bit surprised when Ellen slung her arms around him, pressing her forehead against his chest.

"I don't know if I can do this," she whispered, her voice muffled. Kanda withdrew from the hug, looking at his wife in confusion. She continued holding on to his arms, avoiding his eyes though.

"Everything has changed… I guess I do understand you to some extent…," Kanda said and put his hand on Ellen's shoulder. "We're parents now… When I woke up this morning I knew that things would be different from now on…"

"Doesn't this scare you?" Ellen wondered, looking up at Kanda with doubt. The young man shrugged.

"We'll be fine, Ellen." Ellen looked at him for a long time. He really did seem to be confident and he showed her an encouraging smile. He kissed her again, then he got up and looked back down at his child. Only to notice that she had her eyes open. She blinked at him without really looking at him, then she moved her arms around, making gurgling sounds.

Without hesitation he reached out and carefully lifted her out of the cradle, gently holding her to his chest. He looked at her face for a while, careful to steady her head while he studied her.

"Do you think that frown is hereditary…?" he wondered as his daughter continued making the same slightly disgruntled face. Ellen, even though she had been very nervous watching Kanda with the baby, had to laugh at that.

"I've come to think that it is the standard baby expression… She's just a few hours old, either she's sleeping, eating, crying or frowning at people… I don't think that has anything to do with you." Kanda didn't seem convinced by that, but he still gently pressed her to his chest. He felt rather comfortable like this, even though he was still awed that the little creature really was his child. His daughter. He sat down on the chair next to Ellen's bed, while the baby was falling asleep again.

"She's very docile despite the frowning face," Kanda commented and Ellen rolled her eyes at the recurring topic. "Have you thought of a name yet?" The white haired girl raised an eyebrow, then she twirled her fingers, slightly embarrassed. "What?" Kanda asked when he noticed. "Is there any family tradition that requires her to have a really gruesome name or what?" he dared to joke and Ellen snorted.

"No, stupid!" she said, shaking her head. "It's just that I wanted you to name her…" Kanda seemed surprised at that, the hand that drew gentle circles on his daughter's back stopping.

"Me?"

"Only if you want to…" Kanda was silent for a while, then he smiled.

"There actually is a name I like…," he confessed and Ellen sat back up, waiting for an answer.

"Yes?" Ellen urged him when he still hesitated. Kanda slightly shifted the weight of his daughter, to which she gave a little sound of protest, but didn't wake up.

"Ever since I… Well…," he started, not quite willing to tell her. Ellen reached out to pinch his arm to stop his babbling. "Emily!" Kanda exclaimed. "Idiot beansprout…!" Ellen blinked at Kanda in surprise.

"E…mily?" Kanda nodded and got up, putting the child back in her crib as not to startle her awake again. "Emily?"

"What?" Kanda asked, a bit disgruntled that Ellen appeared to be sceptical. "It's a nice name!" He folded the blankets around the baby, then he turned back to Ellen.

"It is a nice name, but please. Do you need to name our daughter after Emilia? You've just met her! I know she's been all over you and you haven't even resisted her charms, but it's our-" Kanda raised his hands in surprise when Ellen started her protest.

"Wait a minute, beansprout!" he said and Ellen's voice died down, but she did tug her hands under her armpits and looked at him with a slightly hurt expression. "Emilia? What has she got to do with any of this?" Ellen was still looking at him doubtfully and he returned to his seat next to her bed. "You aren't jealous of Emilia, are you?"

"I am jealous of Emilia," Ellen said and Kanda widened his eyes. He had expected her to deny it and leave it at this. He looked at her for a moment, then he had to laugh, shaking his head. "Kanda!"

"I'm sorry! Sorry, but really?" Ellen shook her head, twirling her fingers. Kanda reached out, wiping Ellen's hair out of her face. "You have no reason at all to worry…" Ellen's cheeks were red, she was embarrassed, but still serious about the topic.

"You've spent so much time with them and close to no time with me. I feared that you were already growing tired of me… I felt excluded and lonely…" she told him and Kanda's face fell.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to make you sad… I was just glad to have something to do…," he apologized, pulling Ellen's hand into his. Ellen sighed – she had also wished for something to do, something to ease her worries and boredom for just a bit - but still she nodded.

"Okay… Fine…," she mumbled for sake of peace between them. Maybe this was a topic for another day or maybe it was a topic a wife just had to live with.

"So… What about the name?" Kanda wondered and Ellen looked at him.

"You really want that name, do you…?" He frowned, but didn't attempt to deny it. "But why not a Japanese name?"

"Japanese?" Kanda asked, wrinkling his nose. "Why? I consider myself to be European. And I assume that growing up in English society, a name like Emily would be more useful…"

"Thank God," Ellen sighed and Kanda frowned at that. "I was afraid I'd have to regret my decision to let you name the baby. Rabi told me you once named a stray cat Theophrastus on a whim." Kanda pinched Ellen's cheek, making the girl yelp. "Why did you pick that name for her though?" Kanda's lips pulled into a thin line and he averted his eyes. "Come on, Kanda! At least I should be allowed to know!" The young man sighed almost dramatically, but then he nodded.

"It's the name of the heroine of my favourite book…," he confessed and Ellen looked at him in wonder. "And it's similar to the name of another novel character I'm fond of…" At this Ellen snorted, then she burst out laughing, despite the danger of waking up the baby. Kanda glared at her for her undignified reaction. "Fine then! Just name her-," he stopped for a moment, "Kriemhild!"

"Your on the spot naming abilities are rather random…" Ellen commented at that, still chuckling, then she reached out to put both hands on Kanda's knees. "Emily is fine. Emily Kanda… It does sound nice." Kanda huffed, but then he looked at his wife.

"Are you fine with that?" Ellen looked at him in wonder. "Her being a Kanda I mean… I wouldn't be angry at you if you aren't…"

"Yu. I'm a Kanda as well, have you already forgotten…?" she asked, a smile on her lips that made Kanda bend down and kiss her. He loved hearing this; her easy acceptance of his family name, despite the dark shadows connected with it. Her acceptance of him.

"Of course not…" Ellen grinned at him, then she looked over at the crib. The baby was still sleeping, not disturbed at all by their talking and laughter. "What is it?"

"I've been thinking about godparents for her… It is important that we start creating a social network at once… However I have no siblings I could ask and you don't know my cousins and friends outside of the order."

"You have friends outside of the order?" Kanda asked and Ellen rolled her eyes at him.

"Kanda…," she warned and he lifted his hands.

"When I left Japan I had siblings, but they are of no importance in this matter," he told her and Ellen sighed, saddened by this fact. "What about Linali and Rabi?" Ellen looked at him upon hearing the suggestion and smiled warmly.

"I've been thinking about them as well…," she confessed with a fond expression on her face, "together with you they are my family within the order. If they are willing to be the baby's godparents then I would be very honoured." Kanda looked at Ellen for a while, then he nodded.

"I'll ask them. By the way, do you want me to ask the information bureau to let me use the telephone lines?" Ellen looked at him in confusion and Kanda indicated his head towards the crib. "I am sure your mother would want to know about the happy news." A deep frown settled on Ellen's face – an expression that Kanda couldn't quite place.

"I am not sure… It's the season in London, I am sure she is busy with hosting events and attending parties. I do not want to bother her," she told him and Kanda raised an eyebrow. When Ellen's mouth shut tightly Kanda crossed his arms over his chest.

"I am almost inclined to believe you. But only almost. What is the matter, why don't you want to tell her that everything is fine with you?" Ellen sighed, but she looked up at Kanda, with a pleading expression in her eyes.

"I can't deal with my mother fussing over this right now. I've got enough to work out on my own. I've… I've got to learn what to do, I've got to get it in my head that this baby over there is my baby. I've got to recover…" Kanda stopped Ellen's increasingly frantic explanation by putting his hand on her cheek. Ellen stopped and took a deep breath before she looked back up at Kanda. "This is difficult. I need to get used to it first. Only then will I be able to deal with all the consequences of still being the heir to the Bermont family…" Kanda's slightly sceptical expression urged her to go on. "I've got to announce the birth of a daughter, I have to send heaps of letters, to my family, to friends. I've got a lot of explaining and figuring out to do."

"Why all that? Just send out a greeting card or a telegram, I'll even write it for you if you want." Ellen rolled her eyes.

"It's not that easy, Kanda," she chid him and Kanda leant back in his chair.

"Why not?" Ellen sighed.

"Nobody knows I am married… The news have not yet reached my other relatives… But please, can we not discuss this now? I do not want to go making decisions and worst case scenarios again without first talking to my mother. But now I am exhausted. I don't want to do it right now." Kanda wanted to argue with her, but he did see how tired she was and let it go.

"Fine… I'll let you off the hook now, but you can't push this off for forever. I need to go talk to General Tiedoll. I will see you later." Ellen didn't seem particularly happy to be left alone with the baby, but he kissed her on the forehead, then he got up and left the room. Ellen hung her head, sighing deeply. The issue had been averted for the moment, but… Ellen slightly turned her head, looking at the crib. She was here. She was alive. And somehow Ellen had to find a way to be happy with it.

-o-

When Timothy burst into the room at around half past nine, part of his hastily devoured breakfast still sticking to his face, he found Ellen sitting, not inside her bed as the matron had told her to do, but leaning out of the window. The warm rays of the sun were hitting her face and the pale complexion the little boy had last seen her with seemed to be brightened up quite a bit.

"Ellen!" Timothy called cheerfully and Ellen opened her eyes, looking over her shoulder at her unexpected guest. A warm smile replaced the surprised expression and she turned around, still holding on to the window sill.

"Good morning Timothy," she greeted and he walked over to her, even though it took most of his effort to not run over to the crib that had caught his eyes.

"Let me help you, Mademoiselle," he offered, holding out his hands for Ellen to take. She had to supress a bemused grin, but still she was glad for both the company and the help. Her legs were still shaky and her body moved sluggishly.

"I can't sit in this bed for all eternity, it almost swallows me up," she confessed to Timothy by way of explaining her feebleness. Timothy just shook his head, an encouraging smile on her face.

"New Mamas are bound to be tired!" he insisted, then, before Ellen had sat down, he pointed at the crib.

"Can I have a look at the baby? Please?" Timothy begged and Ellen darted a look over at the crib.

"I think she's still sleeping," she answered, but the boy just tugged at her hand.

"Can you wake her up? Please! Please!" Ellen sighed, but let herself be pulled towards the crib. Timothy bent over it, looking at the baby like a treasure hunter that just discovered a chest full of gold. "She's so cute…!" Timothy exclaimed, then he looked up at Ellen, who also studied the girl with a mixture of apprehension and awe. "What's her name?"

"Emily… Emily Kanda," Ellen said and Timothy nodded to himself, thinking about it.

"That's nice! I like it!" he decided and reached out his hand, touching the baby's round and reddish cheek. She wrinkled her nose, but then she opened her eyes halfway, lazily looking upwards. Ellen was not sure if Emily was indeed looking at them, but when she opened her eyes a bit more, her heart skipped a beat. It did feel as if the girl looked at her and her alone, with a calm expression, acknowledging her as her mother, demanding to be acknowledged as well. Ellen clenched her teeth, her face assuming a troubled expression. She was sure that this was not what lay in the simple gaze that was broken by Emily jerking her head to the side, wiggling her fists around, but still, it had meant something to Ellen. Timothy was too preoccupied with the baby to notice Ellen clenching the fabric of her blouse to stop a dull ache spreading in her heart. Neither did he see the tears that welled up in the young woman's eyes.

Ellen was afraid. She felt herself to be suspended between two stages of her life, while what she used to be and wished to still be was swiftly coming out of reach, what lay before her was just a dark mess of fear and anxieties. Just what exactly was she supposed to do and what exactly was she supposed to feel? Through the hazy fog that spread in Ellen's consciousness, making her head spin, it was just a crib. Alien, not even the one she had slept in not 16 years ago. Just a crib, with just a life she preserved in line of duty. But a life, Ellen dimly recalled, that had saved her too on more than one occasion. Ellen sat down on the bed, fearing that her legs would give away under her. Timothy still took no notice, making faces at the baby that just continued staring up at him with wide blue eyes, not responding to the boy with more than a slight wiggle of her feet and hands.

There was noise in Ellen's ears and she squeezed her eyes shut.

/I'm not surprised at all…/ the voice seemed to say, or maybe it was just Ellen's own thoughts. /After all this little thing is the personification of things that went wrong, of the door that shut on the already limited options you had. A little thing, really. But even more powerful as a chain than the ring on your finger. It's not surprising at all that you-/

"- are running a fever." Ellen's eyes snapped open and she suddenly became aware of the matron standing before her with an admonishing expression. Timothy was standing next to the bed, holding Ellen's hand, while the matron felt her temperature.

"What…?" Ellen asked with a small voice and the matron sighed, shaking her head.

"I said it's not surprising that you're running a fever now. It's nothing bad, but we have to watch you. I told you to not get up yet for a reason, not just to annoy you, young lady!" Ellen rubbed her face, feeling rather out of touch with the situation. The matron took pity on her.

"You know what? I'm going to send Timothy to get you a wheel chair out of the closet. Maybe you just need to get out of this room for a bit," she suggested and Ellen looked up at her.

"But…" The matron handed her a light woollen jacket.

"Don't worry about your baby. She'll be looked after while you're away." Ellen nodded silently and Timothy, with instructions from the matron, rushed out of the room. The matron didn't say anything to Ellen, which the girl was thankful for. She did feel the woman's eyes on her, she felt that she wanted to tell her something, but Ellen really didn't know what to think or say at this moment. Silence was more than welcome.

"I don't think I need a wheel chair…," Ellen said when Timothy pushed the wheel chair into the room. "I am not that weak." It took more than child-birth to make her body break down, Ellen thought, but refrained from saying anything that might worry the other woman. The matron opened her mouth to protest, but a soft knock against the frame of the already open door interrupted her.

"Maybe I can be of some help." Ellen looked up and her features lit up instantly upon seeing Link walking into the room.

"Ah, Inspector. Well, you take Ellen out then," the matron said, though her expression when facing Link was rather stern. Link nodded and walked past her. He helped Ellen up onto her feet and into the wheel chair. She didn't protest much, but her displeased frown was enough to show that she wasn't all too happy. Link didn't even attempt to make a fuss about the new-born. He merely glanced at the crib, but didn't seem to hold any interest in the girl.

"Okay! How about we-"

"Timothy," Link stated quietly, stopping the boy mid-sentence, "your instructor is looking for you. Do not neglect your studies. They are crucial for your future." Timothy let out a wail, but nodded reluctantly. "Well then. I will bring her back after lunch." Link pushed the wheelchair and they left the room.

The sound of the wheels on the stone floor echoed in the corridors and it made Ellen nervous.

"Where do you want to go?" Link asked and Ellen turned her head slightly, looking up at the inspector.

"Wherever you want to push me," Ellen replied with a sigh. Link didn't feel it necessary to retort anything to that and continued pushing the wheelchair until they reached a flight of stone stairs that led to one of the backdoors opening up into the gardens. Before Ellen could ask what they were going to do, Link lifted Ellen out of the wheelchair, carrying her down with ease.

"Wait – what are you doing?" Ellen yelped, surprise clear in her voice. "I must be heavy!"

"Don't worry," he assured her, opening the door and stepping outside. Ellen forgot her protests when they stepped out of the shadows and into the bright morning sun. The temperature was very agreeable, the sun not yet burning too hot and a fresh wind blowing towards them from the moor. Ellen watched the familiar sight of her gardens with awe. Somehow everything seemed brighter and more agreeable; no longer dulled by sheer boredom and uneasiness with her body. Link walked over the paved yard towards the door in the wall framing the little court. Beyond was a stretch of garden with many rose bushes and a little fountain. Link took Ellen to a stone bench that stood against the wall. He set her down on her feet and she sat down, resting her head against the wall.

"I must seem rather pathetic in your eyes," Ellen started after a few moments of relaxing silence. The inspector, standing next to the bench turned his head towards her.

"Certainly not because you are exhausted," Link told her and Ellen lifted her head to look at him. She found him wearing a gentle expression and it made her sigh at once. "Ellen… What you just experienced must be mind-boggling to say the least. I cannot even begin to try to understand. But I do think it is not exactly to be taken as a good sign that you struggle against people actually granting you the liberty of taking it easy."

"I recovered from much worse," Ellen started to say, but Link's simple arching of an eyebrow made her stop talking. She turned her head away and reached up her hands to put her face into her palms with a deep sigh. Link sat down next to her, waiting for her to continue. "It is hard to explain… But…" she took her hands away again, looking at Link. "I do not want people to go easy on me because my body was weakened by last night." Link nodded at her, encouragement enough for Ellen to go on talking. "I need help, Howard," Ellen said, with an urgent undertone to her voice and she closed her fingers around Link's gloved hands. "But not in ways people think I do. I'm no mother. It doesn't come naturally to me. It's exhausting, it's terrifying." She looked up at the sky with a grim expression. "And everybody thinks that I'll be doing just fine!" Link was silent after that and Ellen gave a start, letting go of Link's hand. Her face was a bit flushed and she looked worried. "I… I am sorry! I shouldn't have gotten agitated like-"

"No, you were right to say this…," Link said silently and Ellen bit her lips to refrain from saying anything else that would be less than dignified. "It will probably take you some time to process the fact that you have a child. I never expected you to be thrilled about the baby considering how uneasy the pregnancy made you in the first place. I do think that you should be given a bit more leniency in this respect." He reached out and squeezed her hand as well. "But I don't think you'll be this lucky." Ellen hesitated but then she allowed herself to sigh dramatically.

"Everyone thinks it's the best thing that has ever happened…"

"And maybe it is," Link told her, taking Ellen by surprise. "But you won't know if you don't engage yourself with your daughter. She's a source of anxiety right now. But take the time to get to know the new role that you're expected to assume now."

"There are so many roles right now that I honestly no longer know who I am supposed to be," Ellen said with a faint voice, all too well recalling the 14th's ominous words.

"Well, I assume that in periods of transitions like this one you just have to try. There's a difference between who you have to be and who you want to be. Right now your daughter needs you to be a mother and it's your choice if you want to be one." Ellen was still chewing her lips, but she managed to nod.

"I'll try," she promised. She didn't know if she would be any good, but it's not like she could run away from this. As a younger girl she'd always looked forwards to having a baby girl of her own to cuddle, to dress and to fuss over. Now when childish fantasy had become reality she was struggling to come to terms with how different reality and fantasy actually were. She felt all alone with her worries and troubles, but still. She would try.

-o-

Ellen really didn't want to take the wheelchair, it made her feel small and frail. Keeping her head as high as she could considering the fact that she wasn't all that decently dressed (she wearing a simple blouse and pyjama trousers with simple knitted jacket over it) she walked through the corridors next to Link. However, she did turn out to be too shy to go into the cafeteria to order something to eat.

"I'll do it. Just wait here," Link told her and Ellen nodded gratefully. She didn't want to cause a commotion.

"Should you be up already?" Ellen gave a start and turned to look to her side. Somehow and rather unexpectedly General Cross had appeared out of thin air and was casually leaning against the wall next to her.

"General! What a surprise!" Ellen exclaimed, looking at the General with disbelief written all over her face.

"Surprise? I'm stuck in this castle after all, we are bound to cross paths once in a while," he said with a mocking grin on his face. Ellen rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. "A few stern words and threats by your generous uncle won't make me stay away from you forever." Ellen wanted to retort something, but Cross' next words made her widen her eyes: "especially not now when you're in danger."

"Danger? I think I just got through the worst of it pretty unscathed," she told him and Cross bent down a bit, looking straight into her eyes with an uncharacteristically grave expression.

"I see that you're neither a Noah nor dead nor anything else that is less than pleasant from your point of you. But we both know that baby Kanda's early birth wasn't a coincidence. I bet that the Noah is closer than ever." Ellen stumbled backwards, rather intimidated by the man in front of her as well as his words.

"I-" Cross grabbed Ellen's left hand and continued looking at the girl.

"Just remember one thing, Ellen. You are nothing but a host for two warring forces, bound to be used by both, bound to be destroyed in the process of their struggle against each other. The only way of not vanishing is controlling these powers." Ellen's face, surprised before, hardened now and she jerked her hand out of Cross' grasp.

"I'll continue being an exorcist. And this resolution will be strong enough to hold on to who I am," she told him and Cross looked at her. After a while his mouth pulled into a dark smirk and he shrugged.

"Well, I think you've got enough guts to pull it off. But neither Noah nor Innocence are sleeping. So, don't miss the signs." He waved, then he turned around and walked away. Ellen shook her head at him, angry that whenever he turned up, all he did was speaking cryptic things and causing trouble. She was still fuming silently by the time Link came back with as much as he could carry.

"Is anything the matter?" the young inspector wondered when he found Ellen in a less than agreeable state.

"No. Everything's fine," Ellen lied, her smile a bit too bright for Link to buy it, but he just snorted and let it be. They carried their food not to the infirmary room but to Ellen's bed room where she hoped to be able to enjoy a few more moments of silence. However, when changing into something better to wear Ellen stopped while buttoning up a blouse.

"Strange… Something seems off," she wondered to herself, looking at her face in the mirror. Her hair was slightly wavy from being braided, but other than that she looked just fine. Far better than she expected someone to look that gave birth not half a day ago. "There's nothing…" And then it struck her and she gasped. There was nothing.

The Noah was gone.

To be continued

Notes:

Ah, it was a bit difficult to find the right spot to end this chapter…! It got a bit longer than anticipated.

I am sorry that there are no sweet mother-daughter bonding moments right now, but I think it's necessary to first address a few issues. Ellen, while pregnant, never actually considered herself to be a mother. She's spent a lot of time avoiding thinking about it, so the early birth of Emily is rather a big shock to her.

I hope the way I'm approaching it is at least a bit believable! :3

I've mentioned it before – Kanda likes reading novels. Emily is the name of the protagonist of "Mysteries of Udolpho" by Ann Radcliffe and the other person he's referring to is Amelia from "Vanity Fair" by William Makepeace Thackeray. I've decided on the name some time before Emilia was introduced and while I was a bit unhappy about the coincidence at first I could still use it to address Ellen's small bouts of jealousy.

Fun fact: I first wanted to name Little Miss Kanda Sarah or Sara, like the protagonist in Frances Hodgson Burnett's "Little Princess" but for some reason the name didn't seem to fit her. So I gave her the name of Sarah's doll instead. *lol*

Let's hope that next chapter will take me less time to write!