Raphael stared across the mat at Brandon. The man had been glued to the wall for the last hour, watching the red-masked turtle running through some katas.
"I'm confused about what you're doing," Raphael said bluntly. "Did you come here to watch me, or are you just trying to avoid that Kelley guy?"
"No one invited him down here, Raph." Brandon scowled. "It was the wrong time for Kelley to start making threats and demands."
Raphael crossed both legs underneath him as he sat down on the mat. "True enough, but I don't think you're avoiding him because of what Kelley might do to us."
"Who said I was avoiding him?" the man shot back.
Raphael took a deep breath. "You ain't exactly a newcomer around here, Bran. I've come to feel like I know ya, as if you're another one of my bros. I can tell you don't wanna face Kelley."
"You don't know me, not this version," he said sharply.
Everything in Raphael's gut told him to drop the subject before it was too late, but he resisted the urge. "You might not feel like yourself, Bran, but you're still in there. I see it, and the others see it. How long are you gonna hole up where it's safe before you face the world again?"
"You don't have the faintest idea what I'm dealing with. Do you think I want to stay in prison where I can't even see the light of day?"
"Maybe you don't want to, but that's exactly what you're doing. What's it gonna take to get you back on the surface, Man? You say the word, and I'll do it."
"This isn't something that you or anyone else can fix. There's no magic pill I can take to make all of this go away. Kat wants me to see a therapist. A therapist, Raph! Can you imagine the conversation? 'Hey, I can't tell you anything about my life, but could you please give me some kind of happy shot in order to satisfy everyone else?'"
"We see hope for you, Brandon; that's why we keep pushing."
"Pushing won't make me go any faster! Can't any of you understand that? I told Kat I have to do this my way, in my timing."
"Okay. I'm sorry, Man, I'm just…I'm trying to be there for you the only way I know how."
He eyed Brandon as the man clung to the wall, clutching his right arm in customary fashion. The cast had been off for days, but the man barely seemed to notice.
"We don't need to talk about Kelley or the surface," Raphael said. "We could try doing what we came here for. Don't you think that arm would feel better if you started on some of the strengthening exercises that Marc was talking about?"
Brandon wouldn't meet his gaze. "It feels like a twig, Raph. I'm not ready for this."
The turtle got to his feet since relaxing hadn't encouraged Brandon to take a load off. "Bran, Marc is a specialist, and he knows what he's talking about. I could have lost my leg without his help. If there's one thing I learned at Lotus Salvus, it was to listen to Marcus.
"I didn't think I was ready when he encouraged me to try walking for real. It had been months since I'd been on my feet unaided, and even though I'd been working with him, I wasn't sure my leg would support me. Marc didn't make me do it, and no one's gonna make you do anything. But if you want the chance to be back at full strength, then you'd better do what the expert says."
"It's easy for you guys to tell me to do something when you're not hindered the way I am. Simple for everyone else to expect me to get off my tail and leave this Den, when they're not afraid of what could be around every corner!"
"Bran, I'm not even talking to you about the surface," Raphael fought to keep an even tone. "I dropped it, and I'll drop this too."
"For how long?" he countered. "None of you seem to understand that it won't work this way!"
"Then tell me what to do, Brandon. Tell me what you want!" Raphael's annoyance had finally kicked in, and his voice rose accordingly.
"I don't want anything! How many different ways can I say that I don't want your help?"
"Bran, if you don't…" Raphael instantly cut off when he heard the door behind him.
"You guys? Are you okay in here?" Karina asked tentatively.
Shell, we were definitely getting too loud, he thought hastily. "Yeah, we're fine," he assured the woman.
"I'd be fine if you would get off my case!" Brandon proclaimed.
Raphael threw a glare his direction. "Okay, Man. You say you don't want help, but you don't want to be left alone. You don't want to be in prison, but you won't take any steps toward being free. You get mad at me for pushing you, but if you'd quit acting like you died back there, maybe I wouldn't have to!"
When Brandon launched off the wall, Raphael was quick to take a step backward out of the way. He assumed the man was only trying to flee the room, and shot Karina an apologetic look. In that split second the turtle completely missed the left hook until it collided with his chin.
He wasn't aware of anything for a few seconds, except for the ringing in his own ears. Presently Karina's voice broke through the sound, though he didn't understand what she was saying. When he blinked his eyes he found the woman bending over him as if he was on his death bed.
"Shell, Kari, let me breathe," were the first irritated words to come to mind. He was both confused and angry, and he knew that it had to do with Brandon. He grunted as he started to roll upright.
"Hold on, Raph," Karina said firmly. "Just hold on a minute. He hit you hard."
"No kidding. You'd think your brother's been working out with ninjas for the last few years," he said sarcastically, rising onto his knees despite her protests.
He didn't have time to get to his feet before Luke trotted into the room. "Great, the Cavalry," Raphael said dryly. "I'm fine."
"Raph, you know how this works," Luke said patiently. "No one goes down without getting checked out. With the number of times you've had concussions—"
"Wait – where's Brandon?" Once the initial confusion had passed, concern was swift to rise. "Where did he go?" he demanded.
"He ran," Luke said softly.
"Did someone go after him? He could do something really stupid!" Raphael's voice rose another degree in intensity.
"Its okay, Raph," the man said calmly. "Leo followed him, and he won't let anything happen to Brandon. Now will you relax and let me see the impressive bruise your brother-in-law gifted you with?"
"Impressive," Raphael scoffed under his breath. "It'd be impressive if it was a fair hit." But he was more worried now than he was angry. "Sorry, you guys," he told both humans. "I guess I pushed way too hard."
Brandon felt like the tunnel was spinning around him as he gasped for air. Just the same, he had no desire to stop, because that would mean being forced to talk to Leonardo.
His arm grazed the side of the tunnel as he tried to support himself under the crushing dizziness. His hand slid across the wall as if it was made of ice, and he felt his knees buckling. Brandon's vision blurred as he fell, distracting him as he landed on his face.
In that panicked moment he sensed that the demons were upon him, that they'd finally come to finish him off. Brandon flailed his arms wildly, but a strong weight was already pinning his back down from behind.
"Brandon, stop it." The voice wasn't angry or threatening, but the quiet power behind it still frightened him. "Quit fighting me. Where are you?"
It was the question that Leonardo had gotten in the habit of asking Brandon, in order to ground the man in some sense of reality instead of the illusions that his mind projected.
"Where are you, Brandon?"
The man went absolutely still, even though his heart continued racing as adrenaline began winding down. "I'm…I thought you were them," he said weakly.
The pressure lessened on his back, and he felt arms turning him over, pressing him up against the wall.
"But now you see your friend, right?"
"Yes," Brandon said faintly.
"I think that was a little much for your first run, Bran. Are you still dizzy?"
"Uh huh."
"We should probably rest for a few minutes before we head back. I could call someone to come get us too, if that would be easier."
"I can't go back." Brandon's throat felt like it was closing up with the words. "Don't you know what I did?"
"You hit Raph," Leonardo replied.
"It wasn't an accident," Brandon murmured. "I knew what I was doing. I was just mad."
Leonardo settled on the floor beside him. "You're not the first one to lash out because you were angry, Brandon. Raph and I have gotten into it with each other more times than I can count, and let's not forget the ultimate spar where I destroyed Don's knee. I know you don't want to go back there right now, but running won't solve anything."
"Neither will hiding," the man said quietly. "That was all Raph was trying to tell me. Geez, I'm sorry, Leo. I flew off the handle."
"Brandon, you need to realize that we've all been there. To some degree, we can empathize with everything you're going through." Leonardo paused for a long moment. "I know it isn't fair. I would do anything to have taken your place. I'm sorry you're going through all of this because of us."
Brandon peered at the turtle more closely when he heard Leonardo's voice crack.
"I don't blame you for not wanting our help," Leo continued. "I'd understand if you didn't want anything to do with us."
Brandon sat up further, swallowing. "Leo, listen to me. I'm messed up, but it's not because of you or anyone back there." He drew his knees against his chest as he searched for more words. "I don't wish it would have been someone else. I wouldn't want any of you to be hurt that way."
"It's not fair, Bran," Leo repeated. "Of all the times our loved ones have suffered for daring to have a relationship with us, this has to be the worst. And I know that there's nothing we can say or do to make it right."
Brandon couldn't stand the sight of the turtle's tears. "I don't need you to make it right, Leo. I know that things are still screwed up inside of me, but I'm here. I'm alive because you guys found me, and you stuck with me when I didn't think life was worth living."
The blue-masked turtle didn't say anything, and Brandon allowed silence to reign between them for a few moments.
"I don't really feel like my arm is healed," he said finally. "Most of the time, I think it's still in that same sad state it was in when you found me. But Marc is the doctor, and he says the bones have mended. Even though it doesn't seem like I should be using it, the truth is something else entirely. I don't feel like I'm ready to do anything physically. But how far did I run tonight?"
Leo shrugged. "About two miles?"
"Donny told me that I needed to separate myself from what I'm feeling, because the emotions aren't reliable. He's right. My arm is healed, and it can handle the strengthening exercises. Maybe my mind is nowhere near healed yet, but that doesn't mean I should stay buried, cut off from the rest of the world."
Leonardo looked up at the dark grating that was nearby. "The world is still up there, whenever you're ready for it."
Brandon nodded. "Yeah, I know. But not tonight, not after this thing with Raph. Soon, I promise."
The turtle got to his feet. "Do you wanna head back? Do you think you have the energy?"
Brandon took his proffered hand and waited to make sure he had his balance. "I think I'm okay."
"We'll take it slow," Leo said.
As Leonardo turned, Brandon reached for his shoulder.
"Leo, you know that I don't blame you guys, don't you?"
"It's hard not to blame ourselves," he said honestly.
"Please don't," Brandon told him, though he knew he couldn't convince the turtle. One of his arms went around Leo spontaneously. "I do need all the help you guys can give me."
Leonardo met his gaze, tentatively wrapping an arm around his back in return. "You know there's nothing we wouldn't do for you, Brandon."
"I don't want you to feel responsible for this," the man said. "Somehow, we're gonna have to work through it together."