A Great Escape

Chapter 2: An opportunity

For the entirety of the next morning, Shen's mind refused to turn away from the upcoming trip to Gongmen and how he'd be able to cope with it in his current state. What if he had a panic attack while he was away? He'd be separated from everyone who might be able to calm him, and somehow he doubted that the presence of Masters Storming Ox and Croc would be very reassuring…

The drugged sleep hadn't done him much good, and he was just as listless that morning as he had been every day for the past week. He skipped breakfast and did not attend the first training session, preferring instead to go to his room and pretend to mediate (while really all he was doing was worrying some more). This continual lapse of behavior did not escape anyone's notice.

Midway through the morning, his turbulent thoughts led him to dig up the scroll he had received a few weeks earlier, the message detailing the project he'd be dealing with in Gongmen City. He unfurled it carefully and reread the hastily inscribed kanji:

To Master Sheng Li:

It's been quite a while since we've seen you, but we've heard about your new merits from many reliable sources. We thought you might like to know that we're starting a series of improvement projects around Gongmen City. Our two main tasks will be rebuilding the Tower of the Sacred Flame and improving defenses all around the city. We're looking for someone to design and plan the new defenses and thought that you might be up to the task. After all, you're overqualified for it, aren't you? We'll give you more specific instructions if you agree. For now, send us a message with your response. We'll be expecting you in about four weeks or so.

With all due respect,

Masters Storming Ox and Croc

Shen exhaled as he finished reading through the letter. When he'd first received that message, he had barely been able to contain his excitement. Word of his new reputation was spreading all the way to Gongmen City now, it seemed. Of course, that was probably all due to endorsement from Master Shifu, something quite valuable in its own right. Plus, he hadn't had a chance to put his technological expertise to work since his reformation, aside from arranging the occasional fireworks display. Here was a chance for him to get away from the idle training of his everyday life and do something useful.

It didn't seem so glamorous anymore.

He shut his eyes, groaning inwardly, as he pictured what his visit would be like now: spending his nights shivering and alone in a strange guestroom, unable to sleep and possibly plagued by a few more panic attacks; being exhausted and overly skittish during the day, getting little to no work done; and knowing that every minute, Master Storming Ox and Master Croc would be staring at him in confusion, and he wouldn't feel comfortable telling them what was wrong. All of that wasn't really going to clear his name.

The only possible course of action for him seemed disappointing, but necessary. He quietly closed the scroll and headed into the dining hall.

Lady Biming was there stacking the dirty breakfast dishes, as he'd known she would be. All of the other warriors had already left for training. He took a seat at the table and was so quiet that it was some time before she noticed that he was there.

"Oh, good morning, Shen." Biming's voice was pleasant and mild, and its tone certainly didn't waver as she spoke to him. "Hungry?"

He shook his head, allowing his long feathered fingers to trace absent squiggles on the table's polished surface. She sighed and shook her head slightly. "You have to eat sometime, you know…"

"I've been thinking about the trip to Gongmen in a few days." Shen clasped his hands, leaning forward with a resigned look in his eyes. "Can you medically excuse me from leaving right away?"

"Medically excuse…?" Biming shot him an odd look. Of course, if anyone could medically excuse him, it would be her; she'd been his healer since he was a hatchling, and nowadays she was pretty much the official physician of the Jade Palace. But that didn't change the fact that it was a rather surprising request. "Why would you want me to medically excuse you? I thought you were looking forward to that trip!"

He looked up at her somberly.

"This is about the panic attacks, isn't it?"

"What do you think?"

"I think that you're doing yourself more harm than good right now." Biming set down her stack of dishes with a loud clank and lowered herself into the chair next to him. Her face bore that stern, motherly look that he had become very familiar with. "You had worse panic attacks than this when you were a chick, and you survived those, didn't you?"

"I know, but…"

"You can't completely shut yourself in just because of one little problem. In fact, I think it will do you good to get a change of scenery. Being someplace new might actually help calm you down."

"You don't understand!" he blurted out abruptly, swallowing hard. His crest flattened, a sure sign of his extreme agitation. "What if I have another panic attack while I'm there? I'll be all alone! It'll keep happening, I know it will…"

He clamped his beak shut, trying to force back the desperate terror rising through him. Biming clicked her tongue sympathetically and placed her paw on his wing.

"You'll be fine," she assured him, gently but firmly. "Nothing bad will happen, you'll see. Just think of this as a vacation…a great escape of sorts. It will be good for you…"

Shen looked away from her, not reassured in the slightest. He knew now that no one was really aware of what he was feeling, that he would have to suffer through his by himself, and that knowledge put a cold sinking sensation in the pits of his stomach and heart. Going to Gongmen in a normal frame of mind might have been vaguely awkward at some points, making him feel a bit uncomfortable if he saw people whispering around him or giving him a wide berth. But in his current state, all of those little trivialities would set him on edge more and more, stringing him tighter and tighter until he snapped.

What if I'm going crazy again? That was his number one fear. What if having these panic attacks means that I'm going crazy again?

Without another word, he stood up and trudged back to his room. Lady Biming watched him go and was concerned despite what she had said to him. He didn't have to say anything; his huddled posture and drooping feathers said everything for him.

"Still, I did the right thing," she told herself, scooping up the last pile of dishes and heading to the kitchen.

Shen's specific choice of words kept insistently nipping at her ears, though. "I'll be all alone!" he'd exclaimed. It wasn't the idea of having another attack while he was away that was bothering him, not really. It was the idea of having another attack while being isolated from his support network. She had to admit that sending him unwillingly off by himself was probably not the best thing for him right now. But what would he do if he was allowed to stay? Lock himself in his room and wander around listlessly? Those weren't particularly helpful behaviors either.

When she reached the kitchen, she discovered that the soothsayer was there waiting for her. "Oh, hello, Min Yun," she greeted her friend absently, plunking her load down onto the counter.

The soothsayer kept her eyes trained on the panda, gripping her walking stick tightly. "Were you talking to Shen just now?" she asked anxiously.

"Yes." Biming sighed and folded her arms. "The fact that he'll be leaving in a few days is upsetting him. I'm not sure what to do. On one hand, it won't do him any good to stay here. On the other, he just doesn't want to be alone right now…"

The soothsayer nodded understandingly. "I went in to see him last night – he won't stop anticipating that he'll have another attack. He's more worried about it than he should be."

"Well, I don't know about that. He's not the only patient I've seen get like this." As Biming tied an apron over her green robe, something suddenly occurred to her. "Say, why don't you go with him, Min Yun?"

The soothsayer blinked, startled. "Me? You think I should?"

"It seems like a reasonable idea to me. Shen will be more at ease knowing you're there. You'll have plenty of free time to go around Gongmen while he's working on his project, and I'm sure the masters won't mind. You could even take Xun with you!"

"Xun would probably like to see the city again…as would I." Her eyes began to shine behind her spectacles. "That IS a good idea, Biming. Thank you very much."

"Oh, don't mention it." Biming smiled and returned to the dishes she had to clean. "You'd better go see if Xun is on board with it, although I'm sure he probably will be. Shen will have his great escape yet."

A/N - Uh...I'm supposed to say something here, aren't I...how about 'thanks for the reviews?' I got a bigger response then I thought I would after a pretty long absence. And I'm not telling you anything about the plot of this story. In fact, I might purposely put something in there to screw with your expectations. Anyway, please keep reviewing, or I'll break out the Baby Shen guilt device!