Hey…I'm not really sure about this one, I hope it's not too OOC. While writing I could see Renzulli rambling around, given that he has this kind of irony in his words almost everytime. For me he always tried to speak light-headed, even if the topic was earnest. There are very rarely moments (at least in season one) where he goes totally serious in his speech and voice. Also, I don't know about the rules of an American funeral, so this might be completely wrong, sorry. However – as always please let me know what you think about it, and thank you so much for reading and already having reviewed and being there. Next chapter will bring Jamie six feet under and the story to an end.
bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb -bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-b b-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb

„Hey, Reagan. Nice morning today. My wife's all about planting peonies in the garden this weekend. I told her I had no time, but you know how women are. Ever since I listened to you and bought her some that Valentine's Day." Renzulli shook his head and looked up to the clear blue sky. "If nothing else, Joe, this one'll remain from you. Peonies." He sighed as his eyes wandered back down to the grave in front of him. "Not that it's likely that nothing else will remain. Why, you sure are… were… one of the best ones I ever trained." He swallowed. Talking to a Reagan was never easy, and that didn't end with the living ones.

Ever since Joseph had died almost three years ago, Renzulli walked over to the grave on Saturday morning, right after visiting his parents. They had both died seven years ago, both with cancer, his dad also suffering from dementia. The last year with them had been a cruel one for both Tony and his older brother Sergio, and also for Tony's wife, of course. He didn't know how he'd lived through this without her.
But at least his parents had been old. And they had been together.

"And what does your father have left, Reagan?" The sergeant bowed his head in respect as he turned to the left to greet Mary's and Betty's graves. Another shake of the head. "Your dad got nothing, Joe. Honestly. You left him alone. Bad enough your mom died, and then you. You shouldn't have pulled that one on him. "
He walked three steps back at this, biting his lips. He wasn't mad at Joe, that was only a game he played every week only to realize the truth, every week anew: He was angry at the city. And at himself. At himself in the first place, for if he truly was angry at New York City, how could he risk his life working for it?
Just that it wasn't his life that was risked, and lost. Again.

"It's not fair, Reagan. I mean life's never fair, but this…" he pointed at the grave, "this is what really breaks the world down. It's not guns or drugs or even politics. It's you. You and Harvard, and the thing that you…" He stopped midsentence as his finger and eyes moved away from Joe's grave and further to the right. The sergeant swallowed heavily, grimacing so his eyes wouldn't even get the idea of watering. It was hard, though, as he saw the hole that tomorrow would be filled with another tomb, another corpse, another dead brother in blue.
Just that he would never see Jamie and Joe Reagan as brothers. If anything, these boys were like…well, no. They couldn't be his children. They had a father. And he wasn't one at all, he had no idea of having children. Though he surely had seen him growing, little Jamie Reagan. Seven months on the job and he had gone from bluest of rookies to a real police officer. One of the guys you never hear prancing around, yet still… they're the ones you're proud of working with. They're the ones that make the police of New York to the best force on earth.

"You know… I'm sorry." Renzulli felt drained by the mere look. A black hole that swallowed Jamie Reagan from the world. That was much to bear, even for a police officer. He stared at the mud as if he could force it do disappear that way. The only thing happening, however, was memories getting up from the hole that was his brain right now. The sergeant closed his eyes and cowered down right between Joe's grave, and Jamie's grave-to-be.

The youngest of the family. So much alive, both of them. So eager to do something for the people and the city, and how did people thank them? They sent them away, they threw eggs, they hated them.
And how had he thanked his rookies?
Renzulli gave up the grimacing battle against the lonely tear that rolled down his cheek. After Joe had died, he had blamed himself for not preparing him enough, for being too hard in one way and too soft in the other.
"You know, when your little brother came", he murmured towards Joe, not daring to announce Jamie directly, "I swore an oath to myself I wouldn't be the one watching the tomb from outside this time. I swore that if one of us died out there, it'd be me. And now look at me. And look at that boy." Renzulli buried his face in his hands. "He was one of the best", he admitted. "One of the best guys I've ever seen. Clever, daring if you dared him, nice, aware of his responsibilities… I guess he was the most mature of you Reagan men, if I may say so."

"You may." Frank Reagan approached the graves. He was composed as ever but his voice was heavy with too much he had lived through. Renzulli quickly stood up. "I'm sorry, Commissioner, I didn't…" "Let the commissioner go, Tony. He's of no use here." Frank didn't look at the sergeant but almost right through him to the hole that would soon raven his son.

Renzulli nodded, but as he opened his mouth to say anything he realized that he could not say "Frank". He couldn't call the first name of a man who had lost two sons under his command. Maybe he wasn't even supposed to be here.

"I'm sorry", the sergeant said, to both Jamie and his father. "I was sure I'd… he never ought to be there all along, I tried to tell him but…"
"No one blames you, Tony." The commissioner's voice was tired but honest.
Renzulli shook his head. "Don't tell me no one blames me, it was me they got killed under."
Saying it out loud made the weight on his shoulders even heavier. He was standing here, besides a broken man who had lost one son and now had just lost another one, and both of them had learned to do their job with Renzulli.
"I tell you no one blames you because it's true." The commissioner's eyes still didn't leave the bed Jamie would soon lie in forever. "In all those years, Tony, whenever we gave you a rookie, he came home the first day angry and the second to last day smiling." He swallowed. "Jamie and Joe learned what they knew from you. And Jamie respected you very much. I think he felt like you really cared for him. And for the city. There's no one to blame at all." Only now he tore away his glance and looked at Renzulli. "Thank you, Tony", he said sincerely, "for everything you did for my sons." And with that he knelt down in front of his wife's grave and closed his eyes.

Renzulli nodded. Then with a last glance towards the empty grave, he walked away, a picture of Harvard in his mind, clear as day. Harvard – had the kid ever registered that a nickname was something good? At least nothing bad? Had he told the rookie he was good at was he doing, and that sooner or later he'd even excel Danny if he wanted to?

"You were good, Harvard", Renzulli murmured into the air. "You were the very best rookie I ever worked with. You'd be great out here." He looked up into the sun. That way at least he had an excuse for his tears, if not for his heart, pumping heavily and aching with grief and guilt.
"Did I ever tell you I was proud?" He turned around and saw the Commissioner still kneeling in front of his family. Quickly he counted the family members lying there. Mother, wife, son, son. His father remained, one son – poor Danny. How would he survive another dead brother? – and his daughter.

"I'm sorry, Jamie. I'm sorry I couldn't take that bullet for you, son, see I'm okay with guns. I mean I don't love them, but I got used to it. It's just that… then there comes that one son of a bitch and while I'm not here to have your back, you get killed. That's not the way it's supposed to be, man! You youngsters wait to get us old men into the grave. That's how it's supposed to be." He took a deep breath and briskly wiped off the tears from his face.
He still saw Jamie in his mind and that wasn't really helpful for regaining his composure. But the truth was he didn't only grieve as a TO who had lost a rookie. And it wasn't only sympathy with the Reagans, either.

Tony Renzulli grieved for a friend. For a young man with instinct and a smile that made people trust him. For the kind of cop he always wanted to be. He wasn't sure if he had reached that goal. And right now he was too tired and to angry to really think about it.
Yes, he was angry at New York. That city drained him.
Jamie had loved it, though. And now he'd never see the city again.

"Oh damn it, Harvard." Renzulli closed his eyes. "You really shouldn't be where you are right now. See, we'd need you here. But I know you were doing the right thing out there. That's the job, ain't it? I just wish it wouldn't be you. Well, it's not us to decide who's going." He took a deep breath and straightened up. "You know what I'm gonna do now? I'm gonna stop talking to myself and then I'm gonna go home and kiss my wife goodbye for doing my job another day. Your job, Harvard. Our job. And I'm gonna do it for you."