A Great Escape

Chapter 8: The past catches up

Lady Xuilan was appalled at the treatment she was receiving. She bit back the insults roiling on her tongue and restrained the want of attack making her muscles twitch as she listed to Political Advisor Xifeng and his wife rattling off the precise laws that prevented her from taking her power. Ming kept trying to catch her eye, watching for the discreet hand signal that meant to raise her bow and arrow and keep Jie Xifeng under threat of death, but the gesture never came. Xuilan knew that she wouldn't get anything from assassinating, or attempting to assassinate, the political advisor to the Master's Council. For the time being, she needed to stay on the Council's good side.

Besides, the political advisors didn't really care about what she had to say or what points she made. Thanks to Yue Xifeng's constant babbling, Xuilan was aware that Lord Shen had bribed them into denying her through marrying their cripple daughter. A clever scheme, but not unexpected. She wouldn't have put it past that treacherous peacock to pull an underhanded move like that. He had caused her family to fall from grace, tried to take over Gongmen City…and now, out of nowhere, he was being trusted again.

"He's the one we want," Xuilan told Ming later that day, pacing fervently around their rented room in a local travelers' house. "Lord Shen. The council must be in league with him. Well, we'll show him. He's standing in my way – we'll get rid of him."

Ming stood at attention, probably anticipating that she was about to be given an assassination order. She never protested or even commented on her mistress's plans. That was probably because she couldn't speak at all. She lacked a tongue. Xuilan never mentioned if this had been a nasty accident or some form of punishment, but if you talked to her long enough, she might imply with a smirk that she preferred her servants to be as compliant as possible. Only Ming knew for sure what had happened, and she was unable to tell anyone.

"Not yet, Ming," continued Xuilan. "We have to bide our time for a while. Unlike that peacock, we'll make sure that no one thinks we're a threat. But if we wait too long, we'll be on our own. There's going to be new defenses that will seal off the city from potential attackers…so we won't be able to get assistance if they're too far along in there completion…but do we really need assistance? Surely we can handle such a simple task on our own…"

She continued to ramble on, more to herself than to Ming, laying out her situation for nearly the entire night.

…

Shen had to admit that there was one advantage to being kept so busy: he didn't have enough time to worry about or even contemplate his panic attacks. During the day after his first meeting with Lanying, he found his head stuffed so full of both plans for the defense system and ideas about his current "engagement" that irrational fear was the last thing on his mind. He talked to Xun about both topics a great deal as he sketched designs for specialty cannons, although the latter seemed to come up somewhat more often.

"Maybe you should just call the whole thing off, Shen," Xun was saying, sitting cross-legged on his bed as he watched the swift movements of his friend's calligraphy brush. "Lanying didn't seem the slightest bit interested…"

"Well, that's good. I don't actually want to marry her, after all," Shen answered mildly.

"Still, did you see how closed up she was? She's not going to listen to you when you tell her what your real intentions are. And even if she does, she won't be very good at acting like she's okay with getting hitched to you – she'll be really eager to finally escape from the whole thing. I bet she'll blow your cover."

"Look, Xun, give her a bit of credit. She obviously has problems of her own. I doubt she would have glared at her parents any more fiercely if they had decided to actually send her to an asylum."

"Well, that's why you want to help her in the first place, right? The parents thing."

Shen sighed, gathering fresh ink on his brush and swirling it over the scroll he was drawing on. "It's not just that. Think about your upbringing, Xun. How did your parents treat you?"

Xun's ears drooped. "They yelled at me," he muttered. "When they weren't too busy screaming at each other, that is."

"And my parents hardly paid me any mind when I was a child. Do you think that if we'd been raised normally, we wouldn't have turned out the way we are?"

"Maybe. There's no way to tell for sure."

"When I was a chick, I thought that every other child in the city must have it better than me." Shen looked down at the design he had produced, remembering all the times in his youth that he had experimented with the capabilities of explosives, trying to make his parents proud when in reality he had only caused them more concern. "Now I realize that's not true. Plenty of children are born with a disadvantage that they can't control, whether that's having a deformity, suffering from panic attacks, or being a bad color, bad omen." His crest flattened slightly. "Not all parents nurture them through such trials. Sometimes it's easier to just cover your ears, close your eyes, and pretend that everything is normal. You saw how bitter Lanying was. Well, I'd be willing to bet that's because she's never had anyone willing to listen to her. And I don't want her to end up like me."

"Well, you're doing all right now, aren't you?"

"Yes, but that's only because I was given a second chance. Not everyone has an opportunity like I had. That's what I want to do for Lanying – give her an opportunity, so that she can show her parents that she's not worthless."

Just then, someone rapped on the door quietly. Master Croc entered without waiting to be told to come in. He was carrying an old crate filled with unrecognizable objects. "Master Shen?"

"Yes?" Shen set his brushes aside as he stood up.

"I have something for you…it's some of your old possessions that were salvaged from the Tower of the Sacred Flame. We kept meaning to give them to you, but with everything that's been going on…"

Shen's breath caught in his throat. He reached out and took the box in his wings tentatively, as if he were handling a weak and fragile infant. Staring into its depths that seemed infinite to him, he was confronted with a vast array of broken, but not destroyed, items. There were slightly singed scrolls bearing the likenesses of him as a child and his parents…there was a set of elaborate ivory dominoes that he recalled always wanting to play with when he was very young, even though his father told him that they were just for show…there was a charred but still recognizable caterpillar toy that had been his constant companion throughout his earliest years. All thoughts of Lanying instantly left his mind.

Croc felt it as Shen distanced himself almost physically from reality; he excused himself, ducking back out into the hall. Shen continued to stare into the box for what felt like hours, not daring to touch a single item, until at last the bubble of sadness that had been growing within him burst. He placed the crate on the bed and bent over it, squeezing his eyes shut as the bad memories of his past clamped their massive maw around him.

Xun bit his lip. "Shen, a-are you okay?"

Shen shook his head slowly – perhaps dismissing his friend's question, or perhaps answering in the negative, Xun couldn't tell. He watched as the peacock straightened up and walked over to his trunk of belongings, removing a dark travelling cloak.

"W-where are you going?" stammered Xun.

"Out," answered Shen dully. Drawing the cloak around his shoulders, he slipped unnoticed out of the dormitory and made his way into the midday crowds of Gongmen City.

His first stop was a flower vendor's cart, the owner of which was surprised and a tad frightened upon seeing who her customer was. The dark cloak might have drawn attention away from Shen while he was moving through masses of people, but up close there was really no way for him to hide his white feathers, or his distinctive train. He politely asked for two white orchids, paid in full and told the vendor to keep the change, and headed for the small cemetery on the outskirts of the city.

It was a gray day, and very still; only the occasional breath of wind rustled the patches of weeds around the grave markers. Shen felt his eyes dampen slightly as he approached his parents' graves. He got down to his knees carefully and tenderly laid down the orchids he'd bought. "Hello, Mother, Father…I'm back again. I hope you're not too surprised to see me…"

Shen had been to his parents' graves a few times before. Whenever fate chanced to bring him near Gongmen, he felt that it was his duty to visit them. There were a few customs that he had developed; he always left them white flowers as an offering, and he always spoke to them as if they could hear him. And perhaps they could, but that wasn't for him to judge.

"Masters Storming Ox and Croc hired me to implement new defenses around the city. I know, I was surprised, too. Why would they trust me with a task like this? I'm not going to betray their trust, of course, I'm going to do the best job I can…because I promised you that I would do something great for the city. This is hardly something great, but it's the least I can do…I hope it counts.

"But…something strange has been happening to me. About two weeks ago now, I had a sudden panic attack. And I do mean sudden. There was no reason for it to happen, but I had two panic attacks within days of each other, and it's made me…well, frightened. What if this means I'm going crazy again? I tried to talk to Nana and Lady Biming about it, but they just told me not to worry. They don't understand…they've never had something like this happen to them before, so they can't possibly understand…you've had panic attacks before, Baba, haven't you? You must know how I feel…

"I've been putting on a brave face for everyone, but I'm afraid. I don't want to go back to the way I was. Please don't let me regress…"

Shen cleared his throat, trying to eliminate the choking threat of tears. "Well…I've been trying to distract myself, as well. I met two of the political advisors a few days ago, Jie and Yue Xifeng…they have a daughter who suffers from panic attacks. She's downtrodden by her parents and she doesn't like them very much. I'm going to help her live up to her full potential by bringing her back to the Valley of Peace…unfortunately, in order to do that, I've had to pretend to enter an engagement with her. I feel bad about lying to her and her family, but I couldn't think of a better plan. Do you think I'm doing the right thing? I'm only trying to help…"

He sighed. "Either way, there's not much I can do about it now. Hopefully this will work out. I don't know why everything has to be so…intense with me. Maybe I shouldn't have even gotten involved in this, but Lanying reminds me so much of myself. She could end up turning into what I was if this situation continues. I don't think anyone should have to go through that. And…" He swallowed. "Mama, Baba, I know that you never meant to hurt me, but sometimes…sometimes you really did. But that doesn't mean that I miss you any less now…"

A sudden, definite breeze blew towards him just then. Unlike the gusts of wind before it, it was steady and even warm, and it felt like gentle fingers moving soothingly through his feathers. He smiled.

"Well, anyway, thank you for listening. I'm sorry that our visits have to be so one-sided now. I love you…"

Shen stood up, brushed off his robe, straightened the cloak around his shoulders, and turned around.

Lanying was behind him.

A/N - Two days without an update? That's a new record. I'm sorry that this chapter is probably not all you expected it to be and more. But please review anyway.