I don't know if it's copletely correct about James' parents being who they are... but Harry Potter wiki suggests so... so I maight aswell use what I've got, right... don't go getting Nazi on me if it's all wrong ;)

I don't love you anymore, Sirius. I don't want you in my life that way ever again.

I think a part of me died when he said that, an unfriendly scarcity of weight on my chest, a vital organ dropping over the railings and into his bed, like a fallen star, my heart where it should have belonged. Maybe he'd find it on a cold night, take comfort in knowing that he'd torn it from my chest, that it couldn't run away anymore.

A man with a glass heart, it's not the same as a real one.

We sat in the centre of James' lounge, the sweet scent of Christmas dinner wafting in on us, greatly anticipating the remaining week or so with the Potters as a crew, enjoying two weeks of liberty without a squeaky girl in my ear, trying to forget the earlier predicament as best we could and relish in the momentary freedom.

"You better put those earplugs to good use, Wormtail. They were expensive." James jeered, making note of the set he'd received from all of us.

Moony laughed. "You'd need to ask Sirius about that, though, wouldn't you. Keep up the good work or Prongs might get angry."

"Yeah, well, you know how it is... I won't be in action for a while because as you can see there are no girls here, but I could wank for you if needs be..." I paused and leant into James, lowering my voice so anyone outside of the room couldn't hear. "Or I could ride your mum... then they definitely won't be wasted."

He glared at me, looking disgusted. "Nobody is riding my mum!"

"Yes, James, honey. What is it?" His mother called from the depths of the kitchen.

"Nothing, mum." He flicked his line of sight back to me, talking deeper this time, in a low growl. "No one is riding my mum. Not even you, oh king of man slags."

"Ah, but what about your dad?" Moony added, snickering.

I placed an elbow on his shoulder and flashed him a sneaky grin. "That's it, Remus, embrace the dark side..."

"Yes," He licked his hand and shoved it in my face "I have the force."

"Nah you don't." My head moved down to wipe the spit in my hair, savouring the touch of his hand on my senses, almost able to trick myself that the contact almost resembled that of an affectionate tousle.

"Oh, Paddy... don't go getting all turned on over there..." Peter cried.

I shot death daggers at him. "Die a thousand deaths, Wormy... If I was turned on you'd know aaaaaaaaaall about it..."

"I don't think you're that big, honey."

"Shut up, Prongs, like you'd know. Anyway, I doubt you even have one, you and your little cherub face."

Moony smirked. "Well, James, if you-"

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! IT'S ALL LIES! ALL OF IT: LIES!"

"Don't like it as much then we're all poking fun at you..."

"No, I don't!" I huffed and stood. "Now, I'm bored, so I'm going to get out Hungry, Hungry Hippogriffs... and play... alone... unless anyone wants to join me..."

The hallway was warm, brightly decorated with ribbons of gold, red and green in a mismatch of colours, oddly strewn about over the railings and tied in bows at the ends in an excited flourish. When Mrs Potter had come home from work on the first day of the holidays to find the Christmassy wonders we'd worked on her banisters and, well, most of the front hall, you could tell that a little bit of her soul had died and floated off to heaven along with all the people having fatal epileptic fits every time someone opened the front door. She was now standing in the kitchen singing songs to herself as she prepared the food, sprinkling herbs and spices on the turkey, turning to me and bearing me a welcoming grin as I paced toward the open door.

"Ah, Sirius, come to help me cook?"

"Nah, only observe – I'd probably set fire to the house or poison everyone if I tried." I chuckled, leaning on the counter and tying my hair up the best I could with one of the decorative ribbons I'd taken off the wall, sincerely hoping it wasn't the master string and would not destroy all our hard work.

"Well, you probably would with me singing so much."

"Don't say that, you have a beautiful voice. Haven't I always told you that you should have become a singer?"

James's father popped backward out of a cupboard he was rifling through and gave me and hard, friendly slap on the back. "Hitting on my wife, are we Sirius?"

"'Course not, Charlie-"

"DON'T HIT ON HER, SIRIUS! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO RIDE MY MUM!" James bellowed from the lounge.

"WHOEVER SAID I WAS TRYING TO RIDE YOUR MUM?" I called back, before turning to face the couple once more. "What I was go-"

"YOU DID, YOU FUCK WHIT!"

"DON'T WORRY, PRONGS, THE ONLY POTTER I WANT TO RIDE IS YOU!" I turned back for the second time, the two other Potters slowly becoming more and more red. "Well, that shut him up."

"NO IT DIDN'T! YOU'RE A CREEPY PERVERT! MUM, REMEMBER TO SHUT SIRIUS IN THE GARDEN TONIGHT AND LOCK ALL THE DOORS AND WINDOWS 'CAUSE HE'S GOING TO RAPE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!"

"I'M NOT GOING TO RAPE YOUR MUM IN HER SLEEP, THAT'D BE COMPLETELY DULL! IF I WAS GOING TO RAPE HER I'D AT LEAST DO IT WHEN SHE WAS AWAKE!" I laughed back, my awareness of his parent's presence beside me gradually depleting.

"I WOULDN'T PUT IT PAST YOU, PADDY," Remus butted in. "BUT MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T GO AS FAR A RAPE IN SLEEP, MORE LIKE WATCHING AS YOU SEEM TO ENJOY DOING TO ME!"

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, REMMIE... AND YOU'D BREAK ME IF I WATCHED YOU WHEN I WAS AWAKE!"

"ARE YOU CALLING MY MUM UGLY?" James snapped, sounding quite taken back, followed by a "LIKE HELL I WOULD!" from Rems.

"NO, JUST SHUT UP! YOUR PARENTS ARE RIGHT NEXT TO ME, STOP BEING A NOB."

"OH, CRAP, REALLY? I THOUGHT THEY'D GONE ALREADY!"

"NOPE!" I swivelled round to admire the cherry colour playing on both of their faces. "Sorry about that. I was going to say: 'I'm not hitting on Dorea, she's too much like a mother to me and besides, I wouldn't hit on a Black anyway... I'm actually quite surprised nobody's blasted you off the tapestry yet.' Oh and where did you put Hungry, Hungry Hippogriffs?"

She raised her finger, shaking almost and pointed at out of the room. "It-it's in the cupboard in the room under the stairs – the top one."

I gave one polite bow and skipped out of the kitchen, thoroughly anticipating the lone game of Hungry Hippogriffs, stealing all of the colourful little balls for my own evil consumption. The little blue hippogriff could go fuck himself – I was going to win.

I pulled open the door and switched on the light, looking up at the little overhanging cupboard, my thirst for plastic balls decreasing with every moment I stared. No. I was a man. I would get that bloody game or die trying!

I spent the first five minutes under the stairs hanging precariously from the handles, toes barely touching the ground, until Remus appeared behind me.

"What are you doing, Sirius?"

"Oh, just dreaming of a land where I could reach Hungry, Hungry Hippogriffs whenever I so wished: All those juicy balls of colourful goodness at the touch of my finger tips. None, for you, mister blue hippogriff, no, no, no." I sighed, lost in my own world.

He stepped in behind me, making the storeroom even smaller. "Where are they?"

"So far... yet... so close..."

"You mean in the cabinet..." He shuffled even closer until we were almost pressed together, placing his hands over mine, a tender touch I'd almost forgotten. "Let go then." His voice was soft, playing in my ear.

I could hear each breath, feel each hot heart beat on my back – oh how I missed a human heart – smell his clothes, an unchanging scent, so comforting, reminiscent of the beauty of our dead love, dragging me to heaven, plunging me to hell, repeatedly reminding myself I wasn't allowed to get hard. My hands loosened and I dropped to the floor, clutching onto the edge, and peeping into the opening doors, still chanting in my head, trying to get my mind to continue thinking of the hippogriffs. And then I heard a click and the hearty chuckle of a fat midget who wanted to get himself killed by an angry werewolf, as the light from the outside world disappeared. Now it was just me and him in a stuffy cupboard barely able to move apart from each other, with a small tuft of mistletoe dangling from the golden knob above us. Maybe this was a gift... or maybe it was murder... but no part of me stopped myself slipping my arms around his neck and my lips onto his, playing alone on the pink softness I was craving so badly. He didn't reject me at first, frozen, as I waited for that spark to pulse through me like it had done on the ice. But it didn't appear. I pressed harder, hands, lips, tongue, frantically searching for it, for my Remus, for him.

Then he threw me off, shooting me into the angle at the end of the room. "What the hell are you playing at, Sirius?"

"Come on, we've both spent these past months dancing around the truth and we both know it isn't working... you push me away, you say these things, but you can't deny the raw fact that we're meant to be." I babbled, hardly able to believe what was coming from mouth.

"Meant to be? Meant to be?" He let out a loud yelp of laughter. "YOU'RE THE BIGGEST HEADED ARSEHOLE I HAVE MET IN MY LIFE! YOU'RE NOT 'MEANT TO BE' WITH ANYONE BUT A MONSTER LIKE YOURSELF! HOW ANYONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU IS A MYSTERY TO ME... But, I guess, you can thank god you're pretty..."

"Please, Moony..." I stretched out a hand, but he move further back. "What... what... just tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do then... I love... everything about you... you're beautiful... and funny... and clever... everything anybody would ever want in the world... and I know I don't deserve you... and I know you should have better than me... but..." A part of me lost itself in the wake, wandering off to somewhere more beautiful than this, leaving me grabbing at nothingness for words that weren't there.

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO: FUCK OFF! IF SOMEONE SAYS THEY DON'T LOVE YOU, THEY DON'T LOVE YOU! YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT! IT SEEMED TO WORK FINE FOR YOU WHEN YOU WERE SMITTEN WITH JAMES!"

My eyes wandered up to his, the glow of blue boiling with hate. "... But... you're... not James..." I leant my head against the lino flooring in my little crevice, waiting for Peter to open the door again. "Look after my heart... 'kay...?"