Arthur shot into the room, slightly out of breath and glasses strewn across his face at a jaunty angle, as I sat it the warm embrace of my fiancé, finally able to relax after the most irritating day of freedom I'd ever experienced.

"Sirius, Harry's been expelled from Hogwarts! He produced a Patronus Charmin the presence of a Muggle to defend himself from Dementors and the Ministry's expelled him. Dumbledore's trying to sort it out but... well... the ministry hasn't favoured him since Diggory died. Just thought you should know." And then he popped out of sight as quickly as he came.

I turned to Remus, a grin sliding its way over my features, almost crying happy tears. "Sweet, baby Jesus! James you created a beautiful, beautiful child you wonderful man!"

"I know, I mean, how could they d-... Wait – a – minute! What?" Remus growled, giving me a stern frown.

"What what?" I smiled from my current position, kneeling on the floor in joyous prayer. "He's exceeded my every expectation, of course! Who'd have thought he would be able to beat me and James? This is just wonderful! Oh, and I so thought he was going to turn out like you. What an extraordinary fact. I'm so proud!"

"Turn out like me? What on earth is that supposed to mean?" He sighed, sounding disheartened.

"Weeeeeell, you knooooow. With the dullness and the prefectness and all that shabazle." I grinned, quite oblivious to the grave I was digging myself.

"The dullness?"

"Well... like... erm... no... but yes... like... not wanting... to be badass..."

"I am badass!"

"Don't lie to yourself, honey. Now, I'm going to write him an approving letter, good day." I smirked, turning for the door.

He placed a firm grip on my shoulder and gave me a discerning look. "You're not going to encourage Harry to be a failure!"

"No, I'm not. I'm going to encourage him to be badass!"

"Can you stop doing that ninja pose and saying bad ass in a weird way? It's really getting on my nerves!"

"This, Remus, is why you no badass." I smiled, lifting the parchment and a quill. "Anyway, if you don't mind..."

"I do, give me that parchment now."

"But you're going to ruin my Harry!"

"Well write something reasonable and concerned sounding. I'll be checking and if it isn't ok I'll make you start again."

It took me 38 tries to get it right.

I think my hand's going to fall off

I sat and sat and sat and waited and waited and waited for Remus to come back on his broom with my little baby godson. But no, they never came. Not until I'd gotten very bored of waiting, at least. By which time I'd become convinced that he was determined to spoil my Harry Potter and the cruellest part of my being had commenced to planning various forms of murder, mostly involving midnight and an axe.

Remus stepped in, giving me a warm hug and whispering into my ear. "Honey, I'm home."

I glared at him. "You've broken my Harry Potter, haven't you?"

"I have done nothing of the sort, Sirius. I'd say he's probably better than ever." He smiled, tilting his head to the side and batting the gorgeous blue eyes that resided so unfairly in his head.

My hopes sank. "My Harry, all broken... You... you broke Harry!"

Molly Weasley barged past me, turning and giving me a stone cold glower. "Get a grip, Sirius! Harry isn't your property and Remus certainly isn't going to be the one to 'break him'. If anyone does, it'll be you!"

"Miserable, bitch..."

"I heard that!" She called behind herself. "You know I could easily tell Hermione and Ron and Harry about our little secret... though if you two cling to each other like that for the rest of the day I'm sure it'll become obvious soon enough..."

Remus quickly pulled his hands from around my waist, mine still firmly on his.

"Don't let go, it's nice. Besides, I'm sure she's caught Snapeitus – that's the only disease you can get that turns you into a total dick head!"

"Oh, sorry Black, I think you might be forgetting a certain disease called Tublackulosis. Worse, probably." whined the monotone of a certain Severus Snape behind me.

"No, Snivellus, you see, if you got Tublackulosis you'd almost turn into a normal human being. It gives you this thing called class and style and attractiveness and likeability. Yes, that amount of Snapeitus pulsing through your veins would probably counteract most of the Tublackulosis but at least you might be able to feel a couple of the benefits."

Remus flicked me an unimpressed look. "How old are both of you, exactly?"

"Shhh, Moony, I don't want you to spread your conjuctiremus."

"Oh, Sirius, are you scared it'll turn you into someone worthwhile." came a snide scorn next to me.

"I supposed it's a darn sight better than Snapeitus."

"Fuck off, Sirius."

"So witty and charming, Snivellus!" I called after him and the others, as they walked him to the door. "I can see why all the girls are just gagging for your cock!"

He ignored me, hurriedly granting the rest of the house goodbye before skipping out of the front door at an alarming speed, leaving us... well, Remus and Molly... to the painstaking task of doing up all of the locks. I would have helped, had I not been annoyed with Remmie for braking my Harry Potter and Molly for gratifying it.

KA-CLUNK!

Oh, dear Merlin, not again! Tonks was a nice kid but she got on your tits at the best of times and sometimes, times like this, she deserved a slap. I was almost sorry for the person she was going to spend the rest of her life with - this was the third time she'd knocked over the same gigantic leg and she knew exactly what had happened the last 2 times: my mother went mad. I knew it was only a matter of seconds b-

"FITHY MUD BLOODS, HALF-BREEDS, BLOOD TRAITORS, DIRTYING THE HOUSE OF MY FATHERS! GET OUT!"

I looked up to the heavens and prayed for mercy.

And not for the first time this week.