Chapter 11: Pain

Author's note : I'm sorry for the late update guys. Finals and parents breathing down your throat complicate make it up I will update another chapter tonight!

This will just be a chapter on Nanoha, her thoughts and general life. Those anxious for what Hayate will be talking to Fate about, you're on the waiting list okay sorry

Well let's begin...

Pain isn't just a four letter word. No it is not just a felling not just an emotion. It is so much more than that. It's the definition of being human. The definition of living. Physical pain, emotional pain, without either are we truly alive?

As the two walked out my door I couldn't believe what was going on.

1) I was saved by a total stranger 'not like I wanted that'

2) The said stranger wants to know more than she needs to

3) She almost kissed me

If this isn't the definition of a long day I don't know what is.

As I began to stare out the window I thought about just how long I would be in this hospital. I was guessing maybe a week just for precaution and to run some tests.

As I pondered on those things. There was one thought I couldnt get out of my head

Why does she care so much?

Maybe she had a good life and is one of those goody two shoes. She wouldn't know how I feel, to feel as an empty shell, to feel nothing not even love. She wouldn't know how much I lost that night. She couldn't begin to even comprehend it. How sad it is to be this alone.

It's not like I have no one to talk to rather it's like I dont want to. Im forced not to. Im used to being strong. Im used to being the one others depend on seek help with their problems. I feel as If I'm drowning in my own problems and can't swim out. Im sick of it but I cant find it in me to seek help. I can't think of myself as that week. I could't take that risk.

'I'm here' It was a voice soft yet husky. It was her voice. It was resonating in my head over and over. She had told me those same words before we got hit. She was so confident and reassuring. How could she act that way? How can she live like this, ignoring the evils of the world. She should have died she should hate me for not moving. Because I didn't move she jumped in between and risked her life. She should be dead yet she smiles so naturally. It Hurts to see her smile like that.

I was once that way. Always smiling and helping. I remember the times when I was a strong believer in justice. Now how could I when I can't even go to the police.

'Im here' That voice again. It truly amazes me. Her spirit so strong and unbroken. Its as if she can see the light in my heart hidden beneath the darkness. I all ready given up on trying to fight it yet its almost like she is fighting the battle for me.

Just why do you confuse me so? Why, why does she hold such a grasp on me?

'Should I tell her?'

It was a simple question. However it scared me deeply. I had never once thought about telling anyone.

Why now?Why her? What makes her so different?

Is it the way she smiles. Could it be how confident she is in herself? No, that's not it, is it her daring side? That's not it either. Just what is it that makes me drop my guard around her.

It's because she contradicts everything you stand for. She is the exact opposite of what you became. She grew stronger while you grew weaker

My heart was yelling that to me but my logical side refused to believe it. I don't even know her. How could we be opposites?. There is no way she could carry the same pain or even remotely the same. If she did she would be just as bitter as I've become.

It could be true though. My conscious spoke up again

As I tried to regain some control of my mind and how it was going haywire from this certain blond I began to think of another blonde. A blonde I dislike but couldn't seem to forget or let go. She looked just like him. Maybe, thats why she has this control over me.

I dislike him but I find it in me to truly hate him which makes me sick, and hate myself even more.

Why? Why did you have to do this to me?

Why?

You were the one who took it all away. You took my control from me and turned me into this. A soul bitter and filled with Pain

A/N: So I think this explains a lot of what is going on in Nanoha's life. What happened in here past and how it has affected her mind of state? She doesn't know what it means to love and be loved correctly. We will see if Fate can help her in time.

Ah i want to hurry up and get to the good drama part of my story but I guess patience is key.

Ps: I'm trying to get all these chapters written up before exams, but I'm scared I might mess up the story line. So forgive me if the updates come later. I'M sure you would all rather a chapter that is thought out and well written than rushed and out of place