A Great Escape

Chapter 19: Recovery

This was perhaps the first time since her arrival in the city that Ming's face had registered an emotion. She took another step back, eyes widening as she stared at the white peacock who was glaring evenly at her from behind Lanying. He held his halberd like a staff, keeping its blade pointed up towards the sky, and his open train provided a magnificent and even heroic backdrop for him as he shifted into a tight fighting stance.

Lanying had not noticed that he was there; she had buried her face into her wings, shoulders heaving, aware of nothing but her own jabbing panic.

"Get away from her," Shen coolly ordered Ming. "Put down your weapon and step away."

Ming hesitated, knowing that her mistress wouldn't be too thrilled about her giving up the mission like this.

"We've already taken care of your Lady Xuilan," continued Shen, raising his halberd and steadily aiming its tip at the spotted linsang. "She's not going to come here and save you. Now, get away from Lanying."

Ming didn't waste any time: she threw her bow to the ground and took off running, so quickly that she vanished from sight almost instantly. Shen briefly considered going after her, but when he saw Lanying curled up in a shivering heap on the street, looking like she might be hurt or possibly unconscious, his priorities changed. He dropped down to his knees and slipped a wing around her shoulder. "Lanying, are you – "

Her body convulsed violently beneath his fingers; she clearly hadn't been expecting anyone to reach out and touch her. Her wing struck out wildly at him, but in her state she didn't even come close to hitting him, and he gently gripped her hand and tilted up her face so that she could see him. "Relax, it's only me…"

"Sh-Sh-Sh-Shen?" Her beak was chattering so badly that she could barely force out the single syllable needed to say his name.

"Yes…" He wondered if she would try to push him away now that she saw him as the man who had manipulated and betrayed her, but she didn't. It seemed that she wasn't thinking clearly enough for that. Worriedly, he asked, "What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

"N-n-no…" Lanying pushed herself up into a semi-sitting position, but she wobbled and seemed unable to maintain her balance. "I-I'm h-h-having a p-p-p-panic a-attack." With that, her words dissolved into muddled sobs of hysteria, and she sank down against him in a trembling, inconsolable heap.

Well, that explained why she was crying and incoherent and didn't even seem to remember the fight between them that had occurred just hours before. Shen swallowed a few times, painfully, as he looked down at her. He knew how nerve-wracking and uncomfortable it was to have a panic attack, of course. Only a few weeks prior, he himself had been suffering through the chest tightness and heart palpitations and waves of irrational fear washing through him. But he'd never been in a state like this, where he couldn't sit up straight or even assemble a lucid thought. Maybe Lanying was so much worse right now because of one key difference between her normal panic attacks and this one: this time, she was dealing with rational fear. She'd just been flung into a life-or-death situation, something that she'd probably never had to cope with before. No wonder she was so terrified.

Unable to think of anything else to do, he tentatively slid his wings around her and softly pulled her into an embrace. "It's all right," he murmured, hoping that she wouldn't recoil. "You're safe now…"

For a few moments, Lanying didn't seem to know how to react. Just being hugged seemed to be a foreign experience to her – Shen understood what that was like, as well, but he didn't let go of her. Then, to his extreme surprise, he felt her hands reaching up and gripping the front of his robe, and her face turning towards and pressing against the base of his neck. He stiffened slightly in shock, unable to believe that the same peahen who had only ever given him a single one-second kiss and upheld a strict policy of not being touched was now clinging to him like a child.

But maybe those were the key words. Like a child…when he looked into her eyes, behind the rivulets of tears and the dilated pupils, all he saw was the ages-old fear of the little girl who had been shut up in a dark room by herself when all she really wanted was comfort, who had been forced to grow up and suffer through her condition on her own without ever receiving affection, who was stronger than anyone realized and yet had gained nothing but the label of "cripple" for her troubles. Lanying's exterior was comprised of bitterness and self-isolation, a front that she had put up for self-defense reasons. On the inside, she was a talented woman who hadn't yet entirely given up hope that she could find her place in the world. But what Shen was seeing now was the deprived, needy child that had been buried at her core.

It was now that she reminded him more of himself than ever before.

"Shhh…" He continued to hold her against his chest, trying to quiet her hiccupping, panic-stricken sobs. She was trembling so badly from the combination of the cold weather and the symptoms of her attack that it almost felt as if she was vibrating. He wished that he had a blanket or at least a cloak that he could drape around her shoulders to keep her warm, but he was wearing nothing except for his thin cotton sleeping robe. He did his best to keep from shivering as he began to feel the cold affecting him, as well.

"Can you stand?" he asked softly, trying to keep his voice at a pitch that wouldn't set her on edge too much. "I need to get you home…"

"I d-don't w-w-want to go h-h-home," Lanying managed to choke out.

"Then I'll take you back with me. Come on…" Shen eased her to her feet, allowing her to lean on him heavily for support. After a moment or so of unsteadiness, she was able to stand, but she refused to let go of him; if anything, she only tightened her grip. Taking a moment to scan the street and get his directional bearings, he began to walk forward, leading her back in the direction of the dormitory and the incomplete Tower of the Sacred Flame.

As usually happened with a panic attack, Lanying's symptoms peaked after a few more minutes, but her fear refused to release its grip on her. No sooner had she begun to calm down a bit then another attack pounced on her, not quite as debilitating as the first, but the fact that she was desperate for it all to end made it an even more miserable experience. This time a sudden bout of dizziness and light-headedness nearly caused her to collapse, and she released a stifled cry as her knees buckled, clutching on to Shen for dear life. He quickly escorted her to the nearest bench and let her sit down until she felt less faint, keeping his wings around her the entire time.

"I h-h-hate th-this," Lanying sniffled, pressing her face into her hands, never meeting his eyes. She was crying again, quietly, more consciously this time. "I h-hate b-b-being this w-way, a-and I h-h-hate b-being afraid. I j-j-just want i-it t-to s-s-stop…"

"It's okay," he assured her soothingly, nudging her head up a bit. "It will be all right this time. I'm here now…"

It was nearly dawn by the time they finally reached the dormitory on the palace grounds. They hadn't even walked through the door before they were swarmed by a concerned mob consisting of members from both of their families. The soothsayer, despite her age, was the first to reach them. "Shen!" she cried out, clapping one hoof over her heart in relief (while the other still firmly held on to her walking stick, propelling her towards him). "Thank the gods, you're all right!"

"Of course I'm all right," he answered, unable to keep from smiling. He would have embraced her, but he was still supporting the shaky and petrified Lanying. "And I'm happy to see that you're safe, too. But Nana, would you please go get a blanket?"

"A blanket?" The soothsayer blinked, for the first time taking note of the shivering peahen still firmly attached to Shen. "Oh, you found Miss Xifeng! Is she hurt? The physician is already inside…"

"No, she's having a panic attack." Lanying had begun to sway slightly, clearly at the ends of her nerves, and the worry that flashed over his features did not escape the soothsayer's attention. "A blanket, please, Nana…"

The old goat nodded and trotted off briskly into the building. Shen managed to get Lanying to the kitchen and into a chair before she fainted; she seemed to be having some difficulty keeping her eyes open, but still clutched his hand weakly. He stood behind her with his hands on her shoulders, silently reassuring her that he was still there, that she wasn't alone.

Actually, neither of them was alone, because the kitchen was already occupied when they walked in. Two of the other chairs were filled by Master Storming Ox, who was having a wound on his arm bandaged by the physician, and Xun, who looked ready to fall asleep. Jie and Yue Xifeng were there, too, and they both rushed towards their daughter eagerly.

"Lanying, there you are!" exclaimed Yue, who seemed to have mostly recovered from her intoxication. She looked up at her husband triumphantly. "You see, I told you that there was nothing to worry about…"

Jie appeared to be genuinely relieved that his daughter was safe. He turned towards Shen gratefully. "Thank you so much for finding her, Master Shen. My wife and I were both asleep when we heard her scream…we ran upstairs, and she was gone. Her window was wide open and there was an arrow in the wall…we feared the worst…"

The soothsayer returned just then, her arms piled high with not one but two blankets. She drew herself up as high as she could to drape one around Lanying's shoulders; the other she held out to Shen. He looked down at it uncertainly. "Nana, I don't need – "

"Don't give me that, Sheng Li," she interrupted firmly. "You were out there for a long time, and you're cold to the touch. The last thing I need is for you to get sick." She wrapped him in the blanket, and he allowed her to without protest. Truthfully, he was freezing now that his rush of adrenaline had passed.

Lanying was beginning to calm down now, although she kept peeking out at her parents warily from between the folds of her blanket. Seeing that she was more or less taken care of, Shen turned to Storming Ox. "What happened to you?"

"Xuilan snagged me with her dagger and nearly got away," he grunted. "Master Croc went to go take her to Gongmen Jail, and also to see if he could round up that bodyguard of hers."

The physician, an antelope who Shen recognized as Dr. Ren, finished tying off Storming Ox's bandages before turning to the peacock and clearing his throat. "Well well, Master Shen. It's been a while…"

"It certainly has," Shen agreed with a sigh. The last time he'd seen Dr. Ren had been over four years ago, when he'd still been hiding out in Dao-ming Temple; Shen had been injured by the mob, and Dr. Ren, who'd been tending to the Jade Palace warriors, was the only healer in the city who had been willing to take care of him.

"You're not hurt, are you?" asked Ren, shoving his spare bandages into a medical bag.

"No, no…" Shen shook his head dismissively. "Just a bit shaken up, that's all."

The antelope eyed Lanying curiously. "What about Miss Xifeng here? She doesn't look so good…"

"Well…" Shen heaved a sigh. "She's having a panic attack."

"A panic attack?" repeated Yue. "Oh, gracious, not another one! How terrible, especially with all these people around…well, we know what to do for that, now don't we! She just needs to be put in a room by herself for a while, and then she'll be as good as new in no time!"

Shen felt Lanying clutch to his hand fearfully. She didn't say anything, but when he met her violet eyes, the message was clear: Please don't let them take me away from you…

He stepped forward, straightening his shoulders and looking Yue straight in the eye. "No."

"No?" Yue narrowed her eyes, peering at him suspiciously. "What do you mean, no?"

"Mrs. Xifeng, I didn't want to confront you about this, but I feel that I must." Shen took a deep breath and steeled himself. "The way that you've been treating your daughter is appalling to me, especially regarding her panic attacks. I can't believe that you're not even concerned about what these attacks might mean for her! She's been suffering because of them, and yet you've been more concerned about your social standing than you have been with properly taking care of her!"

Yue's jaw dropped, her body stiffening. Shen had the sense that she wasn't used to being reprimanded or told that she was wrong, especially in a manner such as this. Nevertheless, he pressed ahead:

"Besides, you should have realized long ago that there's no way to cure a panic attack – especially not by putting the person who's having one into a room by themselves. What Lanying really needs is to be comforted, and she hasn't once received that comfort from you. You are her parents, so I'm hoping that you really do care about her and just aren't sure how to show it…" He wrapped his wing around Lanying's shoulders. "But as her future husband, I certainly care about her, and I know what she needs. I know a lot about panic attacks, trust me…I have them, too."

At first, a flat silence was all that greeted his words. The soothsayer had set her mouth into a hard line, glaring at Shen for being so rude, but he was quite frankly too tired to care about whether or not he'd been overly blunt.

"Y-you…" Yue managed to snap her beak shut. "Why would you say such a thing! How dare you imply that we don't know how to take care of our own daughter! Of all the nerve!"

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Xifeng," said Shen. His voice held no anger, only plain resignation. "I didn't mean to upset you, but it's the truth."

Yue's beak seemed to quiver. Then, without a word, she fled from the room.

Jie stared after her in silence. After nearly a full minute, he turned to Shen. "Well, Master Shen…"

Shen winced. He had really shoved his foot down his throat now, hadn't he? All he'd wanted to do was help Lanying, and now her father was probably going to break off the engagement…

"…I have been trying to get up the nerve to tell my wife those very words for twenty years," completed Jie. "I suppose that's one more thing I need to thank you for."

Shen blinked. "Wait…do you mean to tell me that you knew you were hurting your daughter this entire time?"

"To an extent, yes." Jie rubbed his temples wearily. "Lanying may not remember it, but even before she began having her panic attacks, my wife was not a particularly nurturing mother to her. However, the last thing a mother wants to hear is that she has been raising her child incorrectly. I dropped hints now and again, but Yue seemed insistent on never changing her ways. I promised myself that when the time was right, I would apologize to Lanying for what she had to go through…" He looked down at his daughter, who was leaning back in her chair, eyes shut weakly and barely awake. "Which I will do once she's feeling better. For now, I suppose I should go talk to Yue." He bowed slightly and exited.

Dr. Ren cleared his throat and approached the two remaining peafowl with a bit of trepidations. "Chronic panic attacks, eh? It's a nasty little condition. Just another example of one's own body turning against them…"

"What do you mean?" asked Shen.

"Do you know what is meant by the term 'fight or flight?'" responded Ren. Shen shook his head. "Well, it's a sort of trigger in a person's body that helps them survive in critical situations by fighting or fleeing. However, sometimes the fight-or-flight response is…broken, so to speak. It gets triggered at random, usually when there's no cause for it. When that happens, the person has a panic attack."

"And tonight, Lanying's fight-or-flight response got triggered for real," realized Shen. "Ming was chasing her, and she knew that she was in grave danger…that must be why her panic attack was so bad."

Ren nodded sadly. "But, like you said, there's no real cure for a panic attack other than to comfort the person who's having it, so there's not much I can do. I didn't even think to bring my calming herbs with me, so I can't offer you those, either…sorry."

"Now I really wish that Lady Biming was here," Shen muttered to himself.

The antelope's sharp ears caught this, and he looked at the former warlord reproachfully, remembering the panda healer who had once been considered to be the best in Gongmen City. "Well, maybe if you hadn't killed her…"

"Hmm?" Shen seemed genuinely startled by the notion. "What are you talking about? I didn't kill her. She's back at home."

Ren stared. "…are you on any new medications, Master Shen?"

Shen only rolled his eyes.

…

Soon enough, activity around the dormitory settled down completely. Dr. Ren finished packing up his medical supplies and went home, the soothsayer and Master Storming Ox retreated to their respective beds, Jie and Yue presumably continued to discuss things outside of the kitchen and Xun continued to sleep away in his chair (no one succeeded in waking him – the wolf was a notoriously heavy sleeper, especially at times like this, when he was utterly exhausted). Shen was about ready for some rest himself…but first, he had to take care of Lanying.

Lanying was unaware of everything, slipping in and out of a restless doze. She didn't usually get so drained of energy after her panic attacks, but then again, tonight she'd felt an entirely different kind of fear. Normally she felt the sort of creeping, persistent fear that would keep her up all night and leave her disjointed and incoherent the next day, but after two of her worst panic attacks every striking her one after the other, it was clear that she'd experienced the other kind of fear – the kind that struck people suddenly and left them just as quickly, leaving them weak and fatigued when it finally passed. She couldn't have summoned up a clear thought if she'd tried, and she certainly didn't have enough energy to even make an attempt.

Shen knelt down beside her chair, tilting his head with concern. "Are you feeling any better, Lanying?" he asked. "Is there anything I can get for you?"

She opened her eyes the barest sliver, but her view of the world seemed nauseatingly blurry, and she scrunched her eyelids shut again. "I just…want…to lay down," she managed.

"All right," he nodded, and, without really stopping for conscious decision, he helped her up and led her carefully laid her down on his bed mat and pulled the blankets over her. Her hand remained clasped around his for another two or three minutes more; after that, however, she was very solidly asleep.

Shen exhaled as if that would relieve him from the strain of the night, leaning back against the corner nearest the bed. He huddled into the blanket wrapped around him and watched Lanying as she slept, rather peacefully for someone who had been shaking and crying inconsolably just a little while ago. She was, admittedly, a mess. Her sleeping robe was torn raggedly in places and dusted with dirt from the city streets, and her face was crusted slightly with the dry residue of tears. He imagined that, considering he'd been fighting, he probably looked no better.

He felt oddly peaceful now. In those few half-awake moments, he knew exactly what he had to do. He had seen very clearly tonight that Lanying really did need emotional support, and he was fully intending to give it to her. Of course, in his haze he forgot about the fact that the truth of their engagement had come out and that she would most likely be angry with him again when she woke up…but for now, that could wait.

His transition from half-formed thoughts to lilting dreams was so seamless that he didn't even notice it as he sank into slumber.