Blaine woke up because something was tickling his nose. Barely at the edge of consciousness his foggy mind registered that something was different. The last thing he remembered was lying on his back reading a book, if you could call it reading. Mostly he had just sat there unable to concentrate about anything but Kurt. Kurt, all composed reading Vogue, him turning the pages while the pages of his own reading material stood still. Once in a while Blaine had turned an unread page just so Kurt wouldn't catch on. They hadn't spoken much since they returned to the apartment. Kurt had seemed distant.

Blaine wanted more than anything to have that "heart to heart" talk that Kurt had mentioned on Thanksgiving. He hoped against hope that Kurt's words had meant he wanted reconciliation. That he would get his second chance. But Kurt hadn't made any attempt of conversation since they left the ice skating rink. Actually, now he thought about it, Kurt hadn't started a conversation at all. He'd answered Blaine when asked something directly, he had skated with him, sung with him, even giving him a hug. But actual words had been sparse. And that was unusual because Kurt had never been a quiet person. Usually you couldn't shut him up.

After he'd left Lima he had even gotten worse in that aspect. He would go on and on about Rachel and her adventures at NYADA, about his job and his boss and New York and "OMG Blaine, you wouldn't believe the fashion in this town!" And Blaine loved him for it. Loved his childlike enthusiasm for all of it. It didn't take much to excite Kurt and his energy when he got going was intoxicating. His flame burned with such passion and it was reflected in everything he did. Kurt never did anything half-heartedly. Blaine found it inspiring.

Even something as simple as a funeral for a tiny bird turned into a big ordeal with Kurt. Where others would have probably flushed the dead bird down the toilet or at best thrown it in a cigar case and dumped it in a random hole in the ground, Kurt had taken the time do actually decorate the casket with jewels, pick out the perfect resting place and performed a real ceremony for Pavarotti, even putting a rose on his grave. It had touched Blaine to the core of his heart. Kurt was the most gentle compassionate soul he had ever met.

But now his energy seemed at an all time low. Kurt was troubled. There was no doubt about it and Blaine didn't know if he was allowed to ask him about personal stuff anymore or if that job was reserved for Rachel now? It just saddened him because Kurt had just gotten into NYADA and this should have been the best time of his life. It was his dream come true and Kurt should be beaming. But he wasn't. And Blaine couldn't say anything about it because he wasn't his boyfriend anymore. He couldn't talk to Kurt about his dads cancer, couldn't put his arms around him and make him feel alright again, even though that was all he could think about doing.

What also worried him was Kurt's reaction to his big reveal about wanting to apply to NYADA. Kurt had said he thought it would be great, but it hadn't sounded exactly like that, there had been an edge to his voice. Like he had struggled to get the words out. Blaine had replayed that conversation over and over, but still wasn't sure how to decipher the true meaning behind it and he had realized then that Kurt had closed himself off to him, that he couldn't read him anymore and that maybe it was on purpose.

Maybe Kurt wanted it that way and that meant that he was either still too hurt, still angry or maybe hiding something he didn't want Blaine to find out. It was very frustrating not to know which one it was, torture actually.

Something tickled his nose again and he smelled the scent of something sweet, flowery. Shampoo maybe. The smell was close by. Too close. He realized he was on his side. With something warm pressed up against him.

That's weird.

He had his arm around whatever it was and he let it explore.

Wait a minute.

His eyes fluttered open, but all he saw was darkness at first. Then the silhouette. It was a person. But not just any person.

KURT!

Kurt was sleeping in his arms. His breathing heavy. He was right there next to him. So close. And Blaine was cuddled up against his back with his mouth nuzzled into his neck, he realized that the tickling must have been Kurt's hair.

He is right there. He is right there. He is right there. It's not a dream!

The feeling of bliss washing over him in that moment was overwhelming. He had never in a million years thought he would wake up this way last night.

Wait. Why is he there?

The question echoed in his mind. Was this just an accident? How could it be? There was plenty of room with Rachel gone for the holidays. They didn't need to share a bed, yet they were? Kurt could have slept somewhere else, but he must have chosen to lie next to him, what did that mean? It was then he realized that it was him who was the big spoon, he was holding Kurt, not the other way around. And suddenly it hit him.

Just because he slept on the same bed doesn't mean he's okay with cuddling! Let go.

But Blaine couldn't bring himself to let go. He'd missed this too much.

Let go. Come on. Just let...oh, forget it.

He knew it wasn't happening. He also knew that he never wanted this moment to end. Kurt moved a little bit and Blaine suddenly became very alert to the fact that he had his whole body flushed up against Kurt's. Every nerve ending in his body became electric. He was also aware that he had his mouth very close to Kurt's neck, that if he just shifted a little bit he would be able to reach the skin with his lips. He shifted, testing the waters. Kurt didn't wake up, he barely moved. Blaine very silently moved his head a little bit further down and pressed his lips lightly to the back of Kurt's neck who in return sighed in his sleep. Blaine froze, but Kurt fell silent again.

This is wrong, this is crossing a line. You need to stop.

He couldn't stop. It was out of his control. He had been starved of this for so long that his whole being reacted to it like it was a primal need. He had to be as close to Kurt as he could possibly get. He had to savour it while it lasted. He had to just hold him. He wouldn't let it go too far.

It's already gone too far. You're not together anymore. You don't know if he wants this!

He ignored the voice, pushing it as far back in his head as he could. It didn't matter. Kurt would never find out about it. It would be his little secret. His own little treasured memory. One he could live of off once he got back to Lima and was all alone again. He decided he wasn't gonna think about home, it filled him with dread. He didn't wanna go back. But in this little piece a heaven he had found only the here and now existed. And right now all he could feel was...happiness.

He kissed Kurt. It was quick, tender, bittersweet. But it was enough that it made Kurt shift in his sleep. He turned all the way over, pushing Blaine onto his back and ended up with his head resting on Blaine's chest. A faint mumble escaped his lips and for a moment Blaine thought he was awake. But Kurt just settled right back down placing his right arm around Blaine's waist like it was second nature. It probably was. It was a natural gesture, they had cuddled like this all the time when they were together. It wouldn't be strange for Kurt to slip back into that familiar pose. Blaine tried to tell himself that there wasn't more to it than that. But still his heart soared at the sight of Kurt clinging to him like he belonged there.

God, I love him. I love him so much. He is everything.

How did he screw up so badly? How!? How was it possible for him to take something so special, so pure and so real and smash it all to pieces? Kurt was his perfect match. He may have been clueless about it, hadn't recognized it for what it was at the beginning. But once it had dawned on him that he had feelings for Kurt, he had made a move right away. Made him his.

He felt bad for admitted it, but a part of him was happy Pavarotti had died back then. It was the death of that little bird, may he rest in peace, that brought them together in the end. Kurt had sung Blackbird in his honor. Voice firm and smooth, but tears streaming down his face and Blaine had been blown away. He had been so moved that he couldn't even sing, he had just sat there with his hands in his lap, completely enthralled by Kurt. It felt silly calling it a "aha" moment, but that was exactly what it was. A moment of pure clarity where everything had become so obvious. In that moment he had seen what his future with Kurt could be like, it had flashed before his eyes and it had been everything he wanted. But that future looked nothing like this. And it was his fault. He was the one to blame for where they were, not Kurt. He cheated. He did this to them.

How could I ever hurt him like that? What is wrong with me?

He didn't know what was wrong. But something was wrong, no doubt about it. Normal people did not just throw away everything they held dear, for a quickie. Not because of a few missed phone dates. Kurt might have been absentminded but that was no excuse for what he had done. He had always known he was flawed even if Kurt never saw him as anything but perfect. But he never knew how flawed until he had found himself sitting on the edge of a strangers bed putting his clothes back on; lost and miserable. He had never felt more ashamed than right in that moment. It was the lowest point of his existence.

I am lucky he forgave me. That he invited me back into his life.

He looked down at Kurt with tenderness and placed a hand on his back. Gently he started rubbing tiny circles up and down which made Kurt hug him even tighter. Then suddenly Kurt moaned. It was a silent moan but it had a very unfortunate effect on Blaine and especially his lower regions.

No...no no no no. This is not happening. Not now, please!

But it was. His teenage hormones were taking over and he felt flushed from head to toe. There was no stopping it either once it had begun. Especially not with Kurt right there. Blaine was so hard that it was painful and he couldn't move without waking Kurt. How was it possible that he had just gone from heaven to hell in seconds? He tensed up, closed his eyes and tried to think of a solution when suddenly he felt something. Kurt moved and then his eyes opened.

Kurt knew exactly where he was as soon as he opened his eyes. And this was bad. This was very very very bad. How did he end up on Blaine's chest? Why was he not at the edge of the bed where he belonged?

Brilliant plan, idiot! You should have made a run for Rachel's bed when you had the chance. Wait...oh God, is he awake?

He stayed still. Too much of a coward to lift his head and look. Instead he just laid there listening to Blaine's heartbeat. It was beating way too fast.

Shit! He's awake!

Kurt had no doubt, the rhythm of Blaine's heart was way too erratic for a sleeping person.

Am I doing that to his heart? Am I the reason it's beating out of his chest?

He already knew the answer to that and it turned his insides to jelly. Then he noticed Blaine's pants. He was lying just above his waist with a clear view and it was impossible not to notice the bump. Blaine was hard. And not just a little hard. It was a first class boner. If anyone knew what a first class boner looked like on Blaine, it was Kurt. And now he was getting hard too, just by the sight of it.

No. Not again!

How did he turn into this sex crazy monster? Unable to control his urges? He had been so innocent until Blaine came along. Back before a certain bushy haired boy with stunning golden eyes came into his life, Kurt hadn't really been in touch with the sexual side of himself. He hadn't watched porn, couldn't stand it actually. Guess he was too much of a romantic to get turned on my emotion-less sex between strangers. So he had closed himself off to all that. But then suddenly the singing wonderboy entered the picture and then it had been one embarrassing sexual fantasy after another. Blaine kissing him on the stairs, Blaine giving him a blowjob in the library, Blaine making love to him in the shower. That was the reason he had been so painfully uncomfortable talking to him about sex. Because when Kurt had thought about sex, he'd thought about Blaine and he couldn't very well tell him that. He couldn't even look at him back then while talking about sex, afraid his desire would show.

"Kurt?" Blaine's voice snapped him out of it. It was low and desperate, Kurt knew the tone and what it meant. Blaine was horny. He lifted himself up and turned his head to face him.

"Sorry", Kurt said and sat up. "I don't know how I ended up here."

"Don't apologize".

They both sat up straight next to each other on the bed, backs against the wall, none of them looking in the others direction, just staring right ahead. It was awkward. How did it become so awkward between them? Kurt knew he should just stand up, say goodnight to Blaine, walk to Rachel's bed and go to sleep, like nothing weird had happened at all and they would probably never talk about it. It wasn't too late. Nothing serious had happened between them yet, nothing that couldn't be ignored and brushed under the carpet.

The problem was, that Kurt didn't want to sleep. Again he felt himself hyper aware of Blaine and he turned to look at him. Blaine did the same. They locked eyes, faces only inches apart. He could see the want in Blaine, could see how his eyes kept drifting to Kurt's mouth. And Kurt was no better, staring at Blaine's lips. So close. So close. It felt like time stood still, like they had been sitting like that for hours, the want becoming unbearable. But he knew Blaine would never force anything to happen. He was too much of a Dalton gentleman. But Kurt wasn't. And then Blaine licked his lips and Kurt was a goner.

Fuck it!

Without warning Kurt lunged at him, he was all over Blaine, lips crushing together, tongues dancing, arms gripping at his clothes, skin, hair. It took a moment for Blaine to react, but then he was responding, taking Kurt's head in his hands, returning his kisses with a passion that took Kurt's breath away. They glided down on the bed, still holding on to each other, kissing, touching, everywhere. Then Blaine pulled away for only a second and looked at him, like he was giving Kurt a chance to back out. Always the gentleman. But Kurt didn't wanna back out, he wanted Blaine all over him. Wanted to get lost in him. He could regret it later and he probably would, but right now all that existed was this craving. This need. For Blaine. For Blaine to touch him. And then he ripped off Blaine's striped shirt in one swift move, thankful that he had decided to ditch the maroon pullover earlier. This was no time for layers.

Blaine's body was perfect; tanned, ripped, smooth. He was just about to dive in when Blaine grabbed him by the scarf and pushed him down on the bed, placing himself above him. Then suddenly the scarf vanished, along with the blue pullover he'd been wearing. Before he knew it the brown shirt was gone too and Blaine had him completely shirtless. And he was looking down at him with an expression of...love. Time once more stood still as they looked at each other. And then they were at it again, pulling off pants, trying to be quiet so they wouldn't wake Burt. Only in their underwear now, they glided under the covers where they continued to get naked. Blaine had his hand on Kurt's cock and he was stroking it gently up and down, which drove Kurt crazy.

"Blaine...fuck!", he moaned.

"You are so fucking hot, Kurt. I just wanna...", the look in Blaine eyes were wild with desire.

"You want to do what?" Kurt asked, teasing. He already knew. It didn't take a genius to figure it out.

"I want to fuck you so hard."

"Then do it." He pulled Blaine down on top of him, chest against chest, skin against skin and whispered: "I want you to fuck me, I want you to fuck me so badly."

In seconds he was on his side with Blaine's hands spreading his cheeks. And then he pushed in, one finger, two fingers, three fingers and it felt so good.

"Oh God, Blaine. Yes, yes!" He mumbled into a pillow, still trying to keep the noise down.

"I've missed this so much, Kurt." Blaine panted in his ear.

And then there were no words, just soft panting and quiet moaning as Blaine worked him open. At the same time Kurt reached behind to grab Blaine's cock and stroke it ready. They didn't spend much time like that, both too eager to get on with it, to become one. Blaine found a condom in his pants and rolled in on and Kurt wondered for a brief moment if Blaine had expected this to happen?

"Lube?" Blaine asked.

"No lube, just do it."

"You sure? I don't wanna hurt you?"

"You won't. I just wanna feel you inside me, please Blaine".

That was all the invitation Blaine needed. He lined up his cock perfectly, pushed in and the burn, though intense, felt amazing. Fireworks went off. He was literally seeing stars as Blaine kept pounding into him, again and again while moaning profanities in his ear.

"Harder, Blaine. Harder". Kurt begged and Blaine did as he was told. He was hitting Kurt's prostate perfectly with each thrust and Kurt felt his orgasm build. He tried to hold on as long as he could, but it had been such a long time and he wanted to come, wanted to give in to it.

"Oh God, Oh God. Bla...ine." Without warning his orgasm shot through him and he muffled a loud moan into the pillow. Blaine wasn't far behind.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" He moaned and then he collapsed all sweaty and hot on the bed next to Kurt, arms around him. They stayed like that for a while. None of them saying anything, none of them knowing what to say.

"I love you", Blaine suddenly whispered.

"I love you too", Kurt whispered back and it was the truth. The painful truth.

Not another word was said. Only the sound of their heavy breathing and Burt's snoring filled the room. It wasn't until the first light of day came in through the windows that Blaine let go of him, climbed out of bed, gathered his clothes and with one last look at Kurt disappeared in the direction of Rachel's bed, giving both of them some privacy to process what had just happened.