He had left the bed for two reasons. And none of them had anything to do with him wanting to let go of Kurt. He had left because 1. Burt could not find them curled up together in the morning, without it raising too many questions, not to mention being awkward and 2. He needed time to think and he couldn't do that with Kurt anywhere near him. His ability to think clearly disappeared as soon as Kurt was in his vicinity. It was like being drugged. The sight of Kurt, the smell of Kurt, the sound of Kurt...it clouded his mind and made him unable to make rational decisions. What had just transpired proved that.
Walking away from Kurt had been one of the hardest things he had ever done. It had felt like being trapped a 100 feet under water and then being forced to let go of the oxygen tank. He had turned to look at Kurt one last time and it had been almost impossible to leave. But he'd done it. He had walked to Rachel's cold bed, crawled under the covers and cried. Drowned in his own tears, silently. He hadn't slept, he couldn't. He had just laid there in the soft light of the breaking dawn with a million thoughts running through his head.
What just happened? Why had it happened? What did it mean?
He knew they weren't back together. That had not been make-up sex. He knew what make-up sex with Kurt felt like. After...he almost couldn't think his name...Chandler...and the biggest fight they had ever had, well...up until their break-up...they had had the most mind-blowing sex. Kurt on his back, his legs above his head and Blaine on top (he usually topped)...face to face, locking eyes the entire time, declarations of love being whispered in between the moaning and panting. It had been so passionate and tender at the same time. They had connected on every level and Blaine had felt all lovey dovey for days after.
But the sex he had just had with Kurt had been nothing like that. Kurt hadn't even faced him. He had turned his back to him, only letting Blaine take him from behind so he couldn't see his face. And then he realized why it upset him so much. It had felt a bit like anonymous sex, like...with Eli. Quick, non personal. More like a need that needed to be fulfilled, than love. The way Kurt had jumped his bones did nothing to convince him otherwise. Kurt had felt so desperate in his hands, it had felt so urgent and then it had been over, almost before it had begun. Almost like Kurt had just tried to get off as fast as possible, had he even enjoyed it? Had he even cared who he was doing it with? Or had he just been so sexually frustrated after not getting anything in months, that he'd taken advantage of the situation? Blaine suddenly felt used. And absolutely worthless. He started crying again and buried his head in the pillow.
How could you be so stupid? To think he wanted anything else from you? Didn't he make it perfectly clear how he felt about you the last time he came home?
"Relationships are about trust. And I don't trust you anymore."
Blaine struggled to silence his tears but he was full on sobbing now. Nothing had changed. Kurt didn't want him back. He had just had a moment of weakness and fallen victim to primal urges and Blaine had just happened to be there. They had not been making love. To Kurt, he had probably just been a quick fuck. It had been nothing more than that. Nothing more than what Blaine had done with Eli. A cold sexual act, stripped of emotion. He felt so empty. Like he had this big black hole inside of him where Kurt belonged...that he could never ever fill. He curled himself up like a ball and let the endless void swallow him whole.
Kurt tossed and turned. Despite his body being more relaxed than it had been in months, he felt tense. His mind wouldn't stop racing. He had just had sex with Blaine. With his dad only a few feet away. How did that happen? He had never thought himself capable of something so risky, but the want had overpowered any fear of getting caught in the act. He simply hadn't cared. All he was focused on in that moment was Blaine, the boy he loved so much. This boy who had been inside of him, filling him up, just a short while ago. He missed the sensation. He missed him. More than ever before. Finally getting laid had released a lot of sexual tension, but he still felt trapped inside his own head. It was holding him hostage with thoughts of Blaine. Blaine, Blaine, Blaine. Blaine this and Blaine that. It just wouldn't shut up and it was becoming more than annoying. He edged closer to Blaine's side of the bed.
Blaine's side? Since when did he have a side? Only boyfriends and husbands have sides.
Kurt was confused more than ever. Blaine was in Rachel's bed now, where he belonged in the first place. Somewhere over on the other side of the apartment, in the darkness...shielded from view. But in his heart it didn't feel right. He longed for Blaine's touch. Longed for him to hold him like he had always done, after sex. He realized that this was the first time ever that they hadn't slept together after actually sleeping together. It didn't sit right with him, it felt wrong. Lovers slept together, they cuddled up in each others arms afterwards, like in the movies. They didn't sneak out in the middle of the night. But casual sex partners did. Oh my God. Had he just had a hook-up? The type of sex he hated? Suddenly the moment felt cheap. And then he remembered.
Why did Blaine have a condom?
Kurt didn't carry condoms around like it was no big deal. But apparently Blaine did. Had he planned for this to happen? Did he bring condoms everywhere, did Blaine hook up every chance he got now?
No. Of course not!
Kurt had let his imagination run wild. Blaine wouldn't do that. Deep down Blaine was a romantic like him. Maybe he had just been hopefully prepaired? Kurt couldn't really blame him for that. After all it was he who told him that they needed a "mature heart to heart", which could mean "getting back together", if one took it the hopeful way. Which he was sure Blaine had. The thing is, when he'd said that he didn't really know what he meant by it. What he would actually say or do. He did know though, that this had not been what he meant. He had not planned on ending up in bed with Blaine. But it was too late now to do anything about that. He didn't have a time machine, he couldn't change it. And he wasn't sure he wanted to, even if he could.
What did that mean? Of course he wanted to change it. Sleeping with Blaine was a mistake...wasn't it?
He grabbed the pillow on the side of the bed that was...
Not Blaine's...not Blaine's...totally not Blaine's...nope...
And sniffed it. And there it was, the scent of Blaine. Calvin Klain's Eternity cologne alongside Raspberry hair gel from L'Oreal. The flowery smell of jasmine, lavender and rosewood mixed up with the fruity scent of raspberry thrilled his nose. It smelled like...summer. Which suited Blaine extremely well because whenever he smiled that irresistable smile of his, he was like a ray of sunshine. Kurt buried his face in it and took another whiff.
I am never washing this pillow...
Then he heard something. A very faint sound. What was that? He couldn't identify it at first, it was so low. He closed his eyes and strained his ears, trying to figure it out? He could swear it sounded like...someone crying? But it couldn't be? He sat right up, it had to be something else. He looked over at his dad, who was still snoring soundly. Burt could sleep though World War 3. He had that in common with Blaine. Plus a strange interest in sports, literally any sport that included a ball, that Kurt would never understand.
Then there was the sound again and this time Kurt was able to nail the location down. It was coming from Rachel's side of the apartment. His eyes drifted to Rachel's bed. He could barely make out a figure curled up like a ball. Blaine.
Is he...crying?!
Kurt climbed out of bed and began moving towards him, silently. He had to be sure. When he was about 2 feet away he knew Blaine was crying. His body and his face was under the covers, but his whole body was shaking like he was trying to hold it back.
Why is he crying? Did I cause this?
Something inside of Kurt broke. Something vital. He couldn't take it. He wanted to reach out, to ask him what was wrong, to comfort him. But something stopped him. Fear. Fear of what he wasn't sure.
I shouldn't have done it. I should have gone right to sleep. Then none of this would have happened.
Blaine wouldn't be sad, Kurt wouldn't be so torn, they both would have carried on and ignored the giant elephant in the room. The elephant that was now a whale. Suddenly he regretted everything. Why did his dad have to bring him here? They had only just started communicating again, a face to face confrontation had been too soon, he knew that now.
I should have sent him home.
Even as he thought it, he knew he never could have. There was no way he would have found the strength to return the ray of sunshine beaming at him with such eagerness at that ice skating rink. Just like there was no way he could have refused him when he asked for a song.
White Christmas.
Something had almost happened on the ice. That should have been his first clue that Blaine being there wasn't the best idea. They had been skating, shamelessly flirting with each other. It just came naturally. Like it always had. Before they were together, while they were together, after they were together. The flirting did not end. The chemistry did not vanish. The attraction did not lessen. The love did not die.
Blaine had leaned in. Slowly. And even if Kurt would deny it to the day he died, he would probably had let Blaine kiss him. For a moment there he had been sure Blaine was going to go for it. But he hadn't. He had skated away in the last second. Probably cold feet.
"No matter what, no matter where, even if we're not together. We'll always be there for each other."
Even if. Those were the key words there. Even if. Blaine had definitely had hope. Hope that had now died by the sound of the sniffles coming from the bed. But what could he do? What could he possibly say to make Blaine feel alright again? He couldn't tell him what he wanted to hear. He couldn't get back together with him. For reasons that were obvious. There were trust issues, big honking trust issues, not to mention the distance issue that had been there all along. It was just too much to deal with. Even if they loved each other.
Kurt sent one last look in Blaine's direction, fought the urge to climb in next to him and went back to his own bed where he fell asleep hugging the fruity/flower pillow that was...not Blaine's.
At some point in time he must have drifted off, because when he opened his eyes, it was morning. Blaine sat up and threw his bare feet over the bed. The floor was chilly. He put on some socks and quietly moved towards the bathroom. He passed the couch where Burt hadn't moved an inch since last night. Blaine found it extraordinary. Burt slept even deeper than he did. Then...against any common sense he walked over to Kurt's bed and paused there for a while, looking at his ex. Kurt was sleeping on his stomach, head buried in a pillow. He was flawless. So flawless and completely knocked out by the looks of it. Blaine sat by his side looking at the rise and fall of Kurt's chest, but didn't linger long.
He went to the bathroom and almost had a heart attack when he saw his own reflection. He looked haggered. Eyes red and puffy. Hair a mess. He turned on the cold water and splashed some on his face.
"Morning, Merry Christmas".
Blaine jumped and spun around. Kurt was standing in the doorway wearing jeans but otherwise shirtless and Blaine realized he was only in his boxers and...socks. He felt exposed.
"Kurt...wow, Merry Christmas...you scared me." He turned off the water and grabbed a towel to dry his face and place it inconspicuously in front of his body shielding it from Kurt's view.
"Then we're even." Kurt said with a coy smile.
"Huh?" Blaine didn't get it.
"Our first Christmas at Dalton. You wanted to sing Baby, it's Cold Outside."
Realisation dawned on Blaine.
"Wow, I can't believe you remember that."
"I probably remember more than you think." He smiled knowingly.
Kurt was acting like nothing had happened last night. He was all chipper. It freaked Blaine out quite a lot. But he decided to go along with it, because he really didn't feel like having "the talk" in the bathroom while Burt was in the next room. Maybe Kurt felt the same way. It didn't explain his bizarre behavior though.
"What time is it?" Blaine asked and put on his best fake smile.
"About 7:30 am. You want breakfast?"
"Sure."
"Pancakes?"
"That would be great."
Kurt just smiled at him again and Blaine felt weirded out by it. This wasn't natural. He shouldn't be acting like this. The Kurt he knew would not put on this charade to avoid talking about real issues. He was usually so direct. Like once upon a Valentines Day.
"Okay, can I ask you something? Because we have always been completely honest with each other. You and I. We hang out, we sing flirty duets together, you know my coffee order. Was I supposed to think that that was nothing?"
Blaine preferred the bold straightforwardness to this...act. But it was clear Kurt wasn't ready to talk.
They exited the bathroom together and Blaine went to get dressed while Kurt vanished into the kitchen area. As he was putting on his shirt he heard Burt wake up, he and Kurt were doing their thing. The father/son thing that most sons took for granted, but not Kurt. No. Kurt knew exactly how lucky he was to have Burt. When Blaine smelled the sweet aroma of coffee he decided to join them to get a cup.
"Morning Blaine and Merry Christmas", Burt said. "Get a good nights sleep?"
"Morning. Thank you, Merry Christmas to you too. Um yeah...sure...slept like a baby..." Blaine shot Kurt a knowing look that went completely ignored. Then he sat down at the table to watch him move around. Something about Kurt's movements were wrong. He moved too fast, he talked too fast, ate too fast, drank too fast.
He's nervous!
More nervous than Blaine had ever seen him before. And this cheerful facade was just a cover. Unfortunately for Kurt...Blaine knew him too well. As they ate he tried to make eye contact with Kurt, tried to send him the "we should talk" looks, to get through to him in any way he could but failing miserably. And he was growing really tried of this "game". Then suddenly Burt made a sound like he had just remembered something.
"Crap, I forgot one of your presents Kurt. I'll just go pick it up."
Kurt's expression changed instantly, he looked panicked.
"No!", he yelled a little too loudly and Burt raised an eyebrow. "Um, I mean...no. You don't have to do that. It's not necessary, dad."
"What are you talking about? Of course it is. I'll be half an hour, tops." Burt stood up to leave and Blaine just sat there, shocked.
Is he trying to keep his dad here so he won't have to talk to me?!
"Well dad, why don't you take Blaine with you, then? He can help you carry the present".
"It's not that big of a present, what is up with you today, Kurt?" Burt laughed and Blaine sent Kurt his "Are you fucking kidding me?!" look, that Kurt pretended not to see.
As Burt put on his jacket Kurt looked like he had accepted defeat, then the door slammed and the apartment went too quiet. Suddenly Blaine regretted not going with Burt. From the look on Kurt's face he would bet his right arm, that he too was contemplating running out to catch Burt, before he made it to the street. None of them said anything.